Friday, September 02, 2011

Hopping mad

I do hope the Czech authorities are lenient with Benji the kangaroo, who ran amok in Prague, stealing ladies’ knickers as he hopped from garden to garden. A kangaroo doesn’t do such things out of malice or depravity, and he must have learned the behaviour from a human role model. Benji’s owner was quick to deny culpability: 

“He certainly didn’t pick up the habit from me,” said 35-year-old Petr Hlabovic defensively. 

I hope they’ll search Hlabovic’s house for incriminating evidence before accepting his denial. I’ve often heard rumours of knicker-collecting men, who display their stolen artefacts as trophies to their beer-guzzling buddies. The home of such a brigand would be a highly corrupting environment for a kangaroo.

A more innocent explanation is that Benji was influenced by what he saw on TV. Kangaroos are impressionable creatures, and I believe that re-runs of The Benny Hill show are popular in the Czech Republic. Who could blame Benji for mimicking the antics of a pie-faced buffoon who gets cheap laughs by ogling busty women? He simply wouldn’t have known any better. 

The kindest thing to do with Benji now would be to send him back to his native land. Australians are a patriotic bunch, and have a notably relaxed attitude to knicker-theft and other larrikin pranks. I would expect them to welcome Benji home as a returning hero and present him with a harem of females for his (and their) amusement. Bush nookie is a popular pastime in that part of the world. 

One émigré animal who certainly shouldn’t be repatriated is Nico the gorilla, who petulantly tossed away the flowers he was given on his 50th birthday, and greedily wolfed down the fruit cake he later received. A gorilla that spoiled wouldn’t last five minutes in Africa. If I ever dared to pour scorn on a gift from my females I’d be walking with a limp for the next three months. 

It has to be said that humans are not always astute in their choice of presents. Back in my circus days, I remember getting a silk necktie for my birthday from the female acrobats. 

“I’m sure I shall find an excellent use for it,” I said to the girls. 

“You’re supposed to wear it around your neck,” they explained. 

“Yes, I believe that’s what a man would do with it,” I replied. “We gorillas are not so conventional in our use of ornamental textiles.” 

I initially considered wearing around my chest as a nipple protector, but soon realised that such an application would be pointless. A gorilla’s nipples are pretty secure at the worst of times, and I’ve not met the human who would dare to pinch them without prior consent. 

I eventually settled on using it as a line to hang pot plants on. This was a great success, allowing me to cultivate an impressive range of herbs and medicinal narcotics. As we say in the jungle: if it can’t be used in horticulture, you may as well give it to the crocodiles. 

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The poor thing. As someone with a bit of Czech blood, I fully understand the influences he must be under. We're a ribald group.

A perverted pantie raiding kangaroo? I blame all that rap music!!!
Just swinging by to see if you make me giggle as much as you do, when I read your comments over at Bloggertropolis... and you do.
spot on gb, benji would receive a hero's welcome if he ever came back here!!

(is it a common thing for czechoslovakian's to have kangaroo's as pets??)
Is it possible that Benji the kangaroo might have been influenced by the psychedelic '60s Pink Floyd song Arnold Layne?
That kangaroo is ill informed. There is no need to steal panties these days. Phone boxes all over London are full of adverts of industrious young ladies who are willing to sell their panties on to interested consumers for a reasonable renumeration.
Pearl: Are you indeed? I'm beginning to wonder whether Benji was provoked by the fancy knickers on display.

Steve Bailey: I can't imagine a kangaroo would willingly listen to rap music. Stealing knickers would be the least of our worries if it did.

Lady Mondegreen: Hello and welcome, Milady! Glad that everything is to your satisfaction!

Dull boy: I doubt they're a popular pet over there, so he's probably quite lonely. You'd be a good candidate for chairman of the welcoming party.

Time Warden: That would depend on his ability to understand psychedelic lyrics. The music itself might have scrambled his brain, of course.

Steve: You can't trust women in the soiled panties industry. Most of those panties are probably just rubbed with raw fish and Worcester sauce.
"Bush nookie is a popular pastime in that part of the world."

Sounds like you know from experience Mr. GB. I knew gorillas liked jungles, but I never pegged you as one for the bush :D
Poor Elton John.
He probably wished they gave Nico another fruitcake.
and just what sort of herbs and medicinal narcotics were you growing? i can picture you with a lovely illegal smile.
Where did Benji keep the lingeries as he hopped from garden to garden, collecting them ?
Worcester sauce? That would explain the slight burn on the tongue...
That's hilarious. I can't imagine looking out the window and seeing a kangaroo making off with my panties. And the owner says he has no idea what Benji was up to?! A likely story. I bet he's enjoying those panties as I type.
Azra: We prefer the jungle, Miss Azra, but can thrive in other habitats as well. It is not difficult for a gorilla to acquire a taste for the bush.

Al Penwasser: Do you think Elton John has a soft spot for Nico? I'm not convinced, but it's worth looking into.

Billy: I prefer to cultivate plants unknown to humankind. You can't criminalise something you've never heard of.

Jaya: Good question, Jaya. Do male kangaroos have a pouch?

Steve: You're obviously not used to spicy food. Worcester Sauce is a fairly mild condiment in my part of the world.

Robyn: It's a pity no one filmed him bouncing away with the stolen panties. I have a suspicion his owner trained him to do it.
Worcester Sauce is, I assume, not to be confused with Wooster sauce?
Perhaps Benji was channeling whoever was behind this-
Had to come back - missed your unique sense of humour...
No kangaroos in Toronto, but I'll be careful where I put my knickers!
Only the females, GB.
I suppose Benji must have kept them in his mouth.
Hlabovic is so busted. He obviously taught Benji to do that.

"Bad kanga! Bad kanga!"

Yeah, right.
That was me, as anonymous, GB. Sorry. Got a little clicky with my mouse.
Steve: I've never tried eating Wooster Sauce. Isn't it made of paper?

Bodaciousb: Now why would anyone dump 500 pairs of panties? It's a terrible waste and the worst possible example for kangaroos.

Beth: Hello, Beth. I'm sure you'll think of a safe place for them.

Jaya: Maybe he actually wore them. I believe they're quite elastic garments.

Fred: That's what I suspect, but unfortunately it's very difficult to prove. I'd be tempted to beat a confession out of him.
Bush nookie is popular all over the world isn't it? Also, thank you for the wonderful idea for neck tie usage! I've been using them as nipple protectors for years with little success and the pot drying line seems far more productive!
In Califoirnia we have Klepto kitty who specializes in bathing suits. Th eowners do proudly display a large stash of "uncollected" items. This is funny ...
How could this chap have had a pet kangaroo in the first place? You can't exactly mail order them.

It is quite obvious that he trained the beast to aid his wicked perversions - animals that can bound over garden fences being in limited supply - but I would dearly like to know how he did so.
I'm always baffled by people keeping exotic animals as pets. It makes no sense to me. Like, at all.

I feel sorry for that kangaroo. Clearly his panty-stealing antics are a cry for help. Or, the result of careless upbringing.
Angie: Good luck with the pot plants, Angie. If your nipples need protection, a metal bra should be more effective.

Ceodraiocht: What a thieving cat! Someone should attach a bell to its tail.

Jon: He might have trained Benji using his own knicker stash. Maybe he gave him a chocolate for every pair stolen.

Jennifer: I agree that Benji should be treated as a victim rather than a criminal. It's time for him to return to his native land.
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