Friday, September 16, 2011

French divorce settlement

I have a certain amount of sympathy for the Frenchman who had to pay his ex-wife 10,000 euros for not having sex with her during their marriage. A French court ruled that a wife is entitled to a regular rogering from her husband, and must be financially compensated if the said rogering is not delivered with reasonable frequency. Speaking as a gorilla who has been ruthlessly pressed into service by females in season, I would never dispute a woman’s right to have her natural yearnings satisfied. Rather like a postage stamp, the female of the species must be moistened and mounted to fulfil her destiny. 

What I don’t think is fair is putting all the blame on the man for the absence of conjugal deeds. To my way of thinking, a resourceful wife should always be capable of goading her husband into giving her a good seeing to. Did this particular lady just lie on the bed like a sack of potatoes, waiting to be ravished like a sacrificial virgin? If so, she must accept her share of the blame for the lack of bedroom action. Sometimes a woman must take the bull by the horns rather than waiting for the beast to gore her. 

I am reminded of the scene in Midnight Cowboy where young Joe Buck is inexplicably unable to oblige a funky femme fatale who has hired him for that purpose. She then challenges him to a game of Scrabble and puts a suggestive word on the board, provoking him to pounce on her like a tomcat. 

The other puzzling aspect of this case is that the wife supposedly endured 21 years of a sexless marriage before deciding to call it a day. That’s a hell of a long time to realise that something is amiss in your relationship. It makes me wonder whether she was really celibate for all those years. Most wives in her situation would invite their tennis instructor home to practice his serve-and-volley, soon to be followed by the postman, the plumber and the hard-hatted workman with a tool belt. 

Having said all that, the past is past, and there’s point crying over skimmed milk. The woman is 47 years old with money in her purse and plenty of lost time to make up for. Some would say that she should settle down with an honest fellow who will shag her twice a week and go down on her on their wedding anniversary. I would advise her to get sowed with a few wild oats before committing herself to another matrimonial project. 

I don’t know whether you can look up gigolos in the Yellow Pages, but one assumes they have ways of advertising their services. If she doesn’t trust the dandies of her native land to deliver value for money, she could always visit Africa and hire the young bucks who hang out on our beaches. Most of them don’t speak French, but that shouldn’t matter – they are used to giving satisfaction on a pidgin vocabulary. 

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My thoughts on reading that were kinda as you said GB...TWENTY ONE YEARS...and no sex ?
I'd be wondering what was up after 21 hours.

But then I have plenty of tricks as it were and if a man can resist then the only reasonable explanation is he must be gay.

Have you seen the TV advert about impotence where the man is wondering why and say "maybe it's because the dog is watching" ?
Wtf ? Maybe the frenchman had a poodle.
Maybe he was having sex...just not with her....
I would have taken matters into my own hands(or whatever) long before 21 years...
I have needs....geeeesh.
Yes, 21 years? Why would anyone go without sex for 21 years? And what, she got sick of the waiting all of a sudden? 20 years is ok but 21 is just out of the question? She should have been locked away on an insanity plea. I hear that plenty of sex goes on in those places.
very interesting, i'm pretty sure that under australian law, marriage does not 'entitle' one to sex.

(at least that is what my wife has led me to believe)
There's a simple and rational explanation to all this... the reason the poor lady hasn't been able to spread her wings a little is all down to her taste in pyjamas! Where's the blood-red lingerie?!!
maybe he was a closet gay who found the female form repulsive.
21 years. Maybe it was just extended subtle foreplay. The French go overboard on such things apparently.
21 years is a long time... too long. There must have been some infidelity on both their parts. Maybe he bats for the other team... or maybe she was shagging his best friend... either way, no one wakes up after 21 years and suddenly decides they've been short-changed without having hidden a few stolen pennies themselves.
Dirty Cowgirl: Maybe you should offer your services as a fluff girl for husbands who can't deliver the goods. I suspect some couples force the dog to watch because they like to have an audience.

Reality Jayne: You sound like a very practical woman, Jayne. How long would you wait before calling your tennis instructor?

Tennyson: She must have got used to being celibate until something happened to change her outlook. Maybe someone snogged her.

Dull boy: Whether or not your legally entitled is irrelevant. Denying sex is a betrayal of Aussie values.

Time Warden: Do the French actually wear pyjamas? I thought they viewed them as laughably Anglo-Saxon.

Jaya: Not even gays find the female form repulsive, Jaya. They don't come poofier Elton John, but he still married a woman (and had sex with her).

Steve: Not like English men, who do it with their trousers round their ankles in their haste.

Azra: Maybe she was secretly using sex toys and didn't want to admit it. If I were the judge I would have cross-examined her in private.
i would have bent her over the jury box railing and gotten my $10,000 worth in front of everyone.

but then, i think that's a pretty standard answer for a feminist such as myself.
i've heard that some french women don't bathe on a regular basis. without alcohol, good hygiene is essential.
This case certainly raised a few eyebrows here in France.

Clearly the judge had a point in saying that the contract of marriage implied the provision of a good shafting on a reasonably regular basis, but there is reason to believe that there were mitigating circumstances. Viz: the lady concerned insisted on saying during the act of coitus "Give it all to Mama."

For her husband, brought up in a matriarchy, the mental image that arose from this was just too much to bear and he lost wood.

A sorry tale indeed.
It seems likely that she was getting it elsewhere most of the time and when he decided to move on with his life she had to say something to get some sympathy and some cash.

It may be crude, but I don't know a single woman who couldn't get her needs met if she wanted to.
If our court system was like that, so many of us would be happy vs miserable with their/our divorce settlements. It's not unheard of to co-exist for years in a sexless marriage. At least not here. (I went for just 1 year, but know of plenty of women whose stints lasted much longer.)

21 years!!?? I didn't even go 21 years and I made the Elephant Man look like Tom Jones.
Makes me wonder about the 10,000 euros figure, though. How much per boink do you figure that works out to be?
The best way to advertise a a gigolo business is to wear a cowboy hat and a fringe buckskin shirt. That even works in weird places like Japan. It also works better if you epilate your pubes in Japan. I don't know why. It just does.
Kage: It that your way of telling us you use strap-ons, Ms Kage?

Billy: I'm glad the husband didn't use that as an excuse in court. There's nothing to stop a man from dragging his wife into a communal bath.

Jon: I would have charged him 20,000 euros if he lost wood to that. Just think of all the men who have to put up with a stony silence.

Angie: The problem some women have is having to find a man attractive before they'll sleep with him. If they're not attractive themselves, it can make things difficult.

Robyn: I can well believe it, Robyn, I've even heard of celibate marriages. I think P G Wodehouse had one.

Al Penwasser: It can't be more than 10 euros per missed coupling. It doesn't seem a lot, but maybe the man was lousy in bed.

Fred: I don't believe your statement about Japan, but I'm too intrigued about the word "epilate" to make an issue of it. Apparently it means the same thing as "depilate".
"Did this particular lady just lie on the bed like a sack of potatoes, waiting to be ravished like a sacrificial virgin? If so, she must accept her share of the blame for the lack of bedroom action. Sometimes a woman must take the bull by the horns rather than waiting for the beast to gore her."

Best argument ever. :)
I expect that you'll have picked this up but in case you missed it,
I'm having a private bet with myself as to whether you'll be amused or enraged.
What next? Suing your spouse (or ex) for lousy performance? The courts will be packed!
What I don't understand is just why anyone would stay in a sexless marriage. I know people do it; but I don't understand it.

Life is too short not to have fun.
"Rather like a postage stamp, the female of the species must be moistened and mounted to fulfil her destiny."

Dear Mr. Bananas: How are you? I am fine. Now I will address my envelope and mail it to you, as soon as I can find someone to apply the postage.

Love, Madam Z
Static: Yes, but I'm not sure it would stand up in court. Not unless someone was mad enough to make you a judge, anyway.

Jobrag: I've been aware of Koko's antics for many years, so I'm neither amused nor enraged. Like all pets, she has been kept in a permanent state of childhood, which explains her babyish conversation. It's about time she grew up.

Beth: It's quite difficult to get an unbiased opinion of sexual performance. There's really nothing to go on unless the couple made home videos.

Bodaciousb: Maybe he made her laugh. They say it exercises the same muscles.

Madam Z: Dear Madam Z, I am much better for having received your comment. Perhaps we should adopt a method of communication where no stamp is necessary. I believe the bongo drums deliver good vibrations.
guess what....i have been waiting for a new post from you...and when i start doing that ...i add you to my blog i did
Much obliged, ma'am. I have a regular schedule which I hope you'll get used to.
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