Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The dangers of bull seed

I hear the authorities in Tennessee closed an interstate highway after several canisters of bull semen fell off a bus. Frustrated motorists accused them of overreacting, but I say it’s better to be safe than sorry. It only takes one mad woman with a bull-impregnation fantasy to create a Minotaur-like monster that would shock the world. Religious fundamentalists would claim a creature like that portended some dire prophecy, and incite their followers to make a hullabaloo. We don’t need a lot of excitable humans tugging their beards in wide-eyed fervour. 

We gorillas are very wary of interspecies mating and the begetting of bizarre crossbreeds. Humans are fascinated by the idea because they’ve been misled by propaganda on popular TV shows. Consider Mr Spock of the Enterprise. He’s supposedly a Vulcan-human hybrid, yet is capable of anything a pure-bred Vulcan can do, while retaining the human ability to raise one eyebrow in ironic disdain. Real-life hybrids are nothing like as stylish or proficient. Mating a horse with a mule produces an ass, and no one in his right mind wants to be an ass. 

Perhaps women who want to breed with a bull-like creature should ask Gerard Depardieu for a test tube of his man goo. He shouldn’t wish to deny them, as jerking off more frequently might alleviate his prostate condition. He claimed to have this infirmity after relieving himself in a plastic bottle on the aisle of a passenger jet. As the bottle wasn’t big enough for the contents of his bladder, the plane had to be evacuated while the carpet was shampooed. 

Depardieu’s fellow passengers were naturally shocked by his exhibition and assumed he’d pissed in front them because he was pissed himself. Although this would be a reasonable presumption to make of a Frenchman, I prefer to put his behaviour down to desperation. The facts indicate that the cabin staff barred him entry to the lavatory because the plane was about to take off, which must have riled the pants off him. One shouldn’t expect a man to observe the normal decencies when his taut bladder is in a state of anticipation. 

An actor whose prostate must be in tip-top condition is George Clooney. I say this because an ex-girlfriend of his has revealed that one of his favourite pastimes was sharing a hot tub with his men friends. Apparently they did it naked, in the style of the ancient Greeks. I don’t believe Clooney’s buddies would have risked such an intimate convocation if there was the slightest chance of underwater leakage from the great man. 

Clooney has brushed off suggestions that there’s anything fishy about enjoying a naked soak with one’s boyfriends. 

“I’ve always had really great friends on both sides of the aisle, so to speak,” he explained. 

I don’t doubt this for a minute, but why does one side of the aisle get special bath-time privileges at the Clooney residence? I’m beginning to suspect he feels awkward in the presence of naked women.

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Holy Bull Custard!
The Greeks had hot tubs?
Women with bull-impregnation fantasies? You are so silly, GB. Why would any woman...What's the locale of the spillage in Tenn?
gb, i'm beginning to feel that mr clooney is taking over the mantel of # 1 celebrity fascination from rolf harris
I believe Mr Clooney is 'playing the field,' as it were. And who could blame him? Years of beautiful women have got to take a toll on a man.
Who needs People Magazine when we have you as a source for celebrity inside information?
That picture - of the bull - is very disconcerting.
katherine the great was ahead of her time.
Yay for minotaurs! And pissing on airplanes lock a rock star, even when you're just an aging, big-nosed, French actor.
Wonder how many bulls were needed to fill up those giant canisters! Also wonder if the Goods were still good after the incident.
Anything can happen in the hills of hillbilly land....
George Cloony is odd...but hot
Al Penwasser: I don't know about tubs, but they certainly had hot and nekkid.

Robyn: Hah, Robyn, a nice Jewish girl would never have such a fantasy! You should have had Yul Brynner's baby.

Dull boy: It would be hard for anyone to kick Rolf off his perch, but George is definitely showing promise.

Tennyson: I think you're on to something. Apparently his latest girlfriend is a bodybuilder, so it seems he's looking for something different.

Beth: Should one feel sorry for the bull, Beth? He probably thinks he's mating with a real cow.

Billy: Although they say that story about her was English propaganda.

Dr Ken: I really wanted to mention his big nose, but couldn't do it without sounding gratuitous.

Jaya: The picture suggests that one bull can produce a fair quantity, Jaya. I don't think falling off a bus would have spoiled it, but it might have gone off in the heat.

Jayne: Would you get into a hot tub with him, Jayne?
Cannisters of bull semen? So it is possible to milk a bull then?
Maybe if Hollywood produces another Short Circuit sequel, Gerard would make the ideal leading man!
Old Plasticine Face pissing in the aisle was big news here: no-one could believe had got kicked off the plane for such a minor matter. It is a right in France for men to piddle wherever and whenever we please.
Oh geez Mr. GB. I like Gerard Depardieu regardless of his antics. He's a good comedic actor and has made some great movies. Did you know he converted to Islam for a few months some time ago? It didn't last though because he missed Alcohol too much, how else would he have pulled off that stint on the plane ;)
Clooney has a new GF? Whatever! As to the peeing in the bottle thing, he should have gone before he got on the plane. What is the deal with people acting like children and being surprised when they are called on their actions?

I think I would rather not drive on the road while the wet spot is sanitized. Just me? I don't want to drive in the wet spot.
Steve: Absolutely, although doing it by hand runs the risk of getting it on your face.

TimeWarden: Isn't that a robot movie? I suppose you could annoy a robot by pissing on it.

Jon: And dogs too, I believe. I don't know why more English people haven't moved to France so their dogs can piss and shit wherever they want.

Azra: Yes, I believe he's a deeply spiritual guy who's experimented with several religions. I think he's now opted for a pagan faith which venerates vineyards and wood nymphs.

Angie: Are you sure semen needs to be sanitized? I thought it was a natural antiseptic. Anyway, bull sperm never attack females, it's against their code of chivalry.
i feel the important question here is why was bull semen travelling on a bus, where was it going from/to and did it have to pay an adult or child fare?
The semen canister was "smoking" when it hit the highway. My semen would "smoke," too, if I stored it in liquid nitrogen. I need to get one of those Halloween fog machines and turn it on while I'm hosing some babe.
mmmmm. you had me at bull humping.
Schooled at an agricultural university in Texas, and married to a man who likes to call himself a cattle baron, I know far too much about the cultivation of bull semen. In the purely academic sense, that is.
DFTP: It's a mystery that would baffle Lt Columbo. I suspect it was travelling incognito.

Fred: Do you think smoking your spooge would improve its taste? It works for salmon, but I think you should get a chef to taste it before serving it to friends.

Kage: I'd be glad to have you any place, Ms Kage.

Yoghurt: I'm sure you could hold an interesting seminar on the topic. Have you seen it being harvested?
Part of the Welsh Mars Space Programme is to have First Astrotaff Shakin' Stevens hormonally altered so he can live off his own breat milk. If we go a step forward he could use this bull jizz to impregnate himself and thus populate a full Welsh colony up there.
After reading your first paragraph, I instantly thought of True Blood--you have so many part-human, part-whatever on that show.

George's naked bath romp with his fellow buddies is...interesting. Makes me wonder about it common for men to have their male-bonding session in a hot while they're nude?
Mr Boyo: I really regret not appreciating Shakey's Welshness when he was at the height of his singing career. It seems like such a waste.

Frisky Virgin: I believe English football players used to do it after a game, but I don't think it's common today. Do you think George might be a little bicurious, Miss Virgin?
Mr. Bananas, you should have consulted Der Ubermensch on Vulcan jizz, since he's the expert. It's purportedly true that they spurt bucket loads just like bulls when you jerk their ears the right way. It's a sad day indeed when human females start copulating with them.
Looking at that photo made my hands tingle!
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