Monday, August 29, 2011

Sleeping arrangements

Apparently, a lot of British people find that listening to jungle noises puts them to sleep. I suppose the chattering of monkeys reminds them of childhood visits to the zoo, rather than annoying creatures who might piss on their heads. When I want to fall asleep quickly, I listen to an audiotape of a woman nagging her husband. It takes me back to my carefree circus days, when I sniggered at humans queuing for tickets in the hot sun. 

Sadly, Britain no longer produces women like Mary Poppins, who could coax people to Noddyland by a singing a soothing lullaby. Cut-glass English accents are out of fashion in the UK, where the current crop of nannies are burly young women with hoarse voices from places like Woking and Slough. Listening to them warble is not conducive to a restful night of slumber. 

Now, the crucial point about sleep is that quality is more important than quantity. The best bit of the nightly snooze is the first part, when the brain is switched off and the spirit resides in a peaceful void on the dark side of the Moon. Things go downhill when the brain wakes up and finds that nothing is happening. In its boredom, it manufactures the mental poo we call “dreams”. 

There are people who claim to have wonderful dreams in which they fly above the Earth like an eagle, laying eggs on top of the Eiffel Tower and getting their feathers stroked by Carla Bruni. You only have dreams like that if your subconscious mind is trying to lift your spirits because your wakeful existence is incredibly shitty. In other circumstances, dreams are weird little pantomimes that signify nothing and foretell less. This doesn’t stop humans from assuming I’m a hairy soothsayer who can interpret their dreams. Last week, a fresh-faced girl on safari took me into her confidence: 

“I keep on having this horrible nightmare!” she mewed. “A giant python wraps his coils around my body and starts squeezing me ever more tightly. And while he’s squeezing me, he lifts his horrible head and looks right into my eyes: 

‘I’ll stop squeezing if you’ll kiss me on the mouth,’ he says. 

‘A French kiss?’ I ask. 

‘Is there any other kind?’ he replies, making his tongue dart in and out. 

‘I won’t do it, you beastly serpent!’ I cry. ‘I’d rather be squeezed like a lemon than kiss you!’ 

But in my heart, I know the real reason I won’t kiss him is because I want him to carry on squeezing me! Oh what does it mean, GB?!” 

The dream was total nonsense, of course. No self-respecting python would give up its supper for a bit of tongue action with a human female. Yet I sensed it would be unkind to denigrate something which she clearly believed was a highly significant piece of theatre. 

“It means you are a virtuous young lady who will not kiss a snake however good it makes her feel.” I declared. 

She thanked me profusely and skipped away contentedly. I just hope my interpretation doesn’t end up ruining someone’s life.

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Snake girl has some issues.... clearly her dreaming of wanting to be squeezed more is her subconscious telling her of her desire to be a juicer! or a zit.... or shes constipated?
I've kissed a lot of snakes and I don't blame her.
I listen to History Channel documentaries on Netflix. The soothing deep man voice puts me to sleep every time. I often wake up feeling smarter. It doesn't last though.
gosh, i really do look cute in that picture. except for the snake, of course.
I'd ask you to interpret my dreams but judging from this you might not be entirely honest with me.
Are dreams really just mental poo? Animals also dream. I've owned dogs and cats that plainly dreamed and they had fantasitc lives. I don't see what their dreams could be compensating for at all.
I dream of being on top of a red double-decker bus with Michelle Ryan. I already have a pretty good idea what this means...
Steve Bailer: A zit? Surely you jest, Sir! They must be treated with ointments rather than squeezed!

Robyn: What bad luck, Robyn. I hope they didn't squeeze you too hard when they were kissing you.

Angie: Keep on doing it, Angie, cat naps are good for you. Don't worry about missing the documentaries, you can keep up by reading Discover magazine.

Kage: You should consider getting a snake as a pet. It would love you for who you are and show you its tongue whenever you wanted.

Dirtycowgirl: I'd still be interested to hear them, Ms Cowgirl. I've always wondered what bad girls dream about.

Steve: You may think they had fantastic lives, but who knows what they were feeling inside. I bet they thought you mocking them with your scrawny beard.

TimeWarden: Would that be cockney Michelle Ryan or posh Michelle Ryan? Or doesn't it matter?
I've had "prophetic" dreams before Mr. GB and then I decided to stop drifting into the Spirit World where "suggestions" creep into your mind to make you believe that there is something relevant to the dream. Not to say that those previous dreams didn't come true. They did.

Anyways, I'm not an animal lover or hater, but I've wanted to take a dagger and slit a snake into two ever since I watched "Prince of Persia".
I'm British and have never heard this statistic.
Lol. GB. Counted sheep again last night. Maybe I should also consider that jungle noises audio!

In most of my dreams, evil things come in the form of my late grandfather. We never got on well when he was alive.
neither mrs cj nor i got to where we are today by trusting snakes!
I really, really hope that my dream tonight is starring naked-snake-lady.
Azra: I'm glad you've stopped dabbling in the occult, Miss Azra. People who dabble in the occult never seem to laugh or have fun. I am no friend of the snake, but I would describe them as shy rather than malevolent.

Tony Van Helsing: I'm glad to have enlightened you. Are you related to the vampire hunter?

Jaya: That's a pity, Jaya. I hope the old fella stops haunting you and tries be more congenial in his afterlife.

Billy: Hah, I don't remember that one! It couldn't have been in the first series.

Dr Ken: Steady on, lad, you're practically engaged!
As you know...the jungle is no soothing place to get good sleep. I feel bad for you apes....having to get sleep amongst the tree tops.
Last night ..(on my Tepurpedic), I dreamed that my true love Mark Wahlberg wanted to to pair skating with me. What does it mean??? I dream about him alot ,but we never kiss. Tell me O Wise one.
A snake. Why does it always have to be a snake. Why not a panda or a ferret? Come on Freud what about that?!

Lucky snake.
Hope it doesn't pee on her head.
Listening to jungle noises should not make any human being comfortable. Just THINK of all the things lurking within a jungle. LIONS, TIGERS, BEARS...and..and..and GORILLAS! OH MY!!

Actually, my snake wouldn't mind a little tongue action right now. It might help calm me down. (arrrgh)
gb i use the same method of getting to sleep as you however, unfortunately, mine is not an audio tape....
Reality Jayne: I've heard that Mark Wahlberg is an uncouth, loutish fellow in real life, so the fellow in your dream was probably a doppelgänger. Just as well you didn't kiss him.

Left Coast guy: Snakes can manoeuvre into far more interesting positions that most other animals. Could you twist your body around a woman while addressing her face-to-face?

Al Penwasser: I could be wrong, but I don't think snakes are into water sports.

Static: It's not the big animals that make most noise in the jungle - we gorillas rarely even snore. I think you should give your snake to a zoo, they'd look after it a lot better than you do.

Dull boy: Hah, you're lucky she puts you to sleep! But Aussie women aren't big on nagging, are they?
Quite frankly i think a lot of nonsense is written about dreams on the basis that none of it can ever be proven to be right or wrong.

It's just the brain filing away the things that have happened and that we are worrying about below the surface - the fact that we dont understand how or why it does that should probably be treasured rather than analysed
I would hope the brain is getting rid of its psychotic delusions rather than filing them away.
Are there any hot female gorillas at the zoo? Cause they can have my snake if they want it.
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