Friday, August 19, 2011

Serbian love supper

A Serbian mayor has invited single women from across the country to a love supper with the town’s resident bachelors. In his eagerness to nurture romance, he has offered budding couples free holidays in Greece, there being no better place to excite the amorous passions. Let’s hope the girls won’t dump their new boyfriends for the first bushy-eyebrowed Stavros who ogles them on the beach. 

Much as I approve of a mayor playing the pander, I can’t think of a species less suitable for group pair-bonding exercises than homo sapiens. Everyone knows that humans vary enormously in their attractiveness to the opposite sex, often for utterly trivial reasons such as the shape of the chin or the size of the nose. If you put single humans together in groups, the ugly ones get shunned because they’re ugly and the beautiful ones get shunned because no one will risk getting rejected by them. 

My preferred method of pairing humans off would be to draw lots. That way everyone has an equal chance of getting a sugarplum or a lemon. The unlucky ones would obviously be disappointed, but at least they’d begin their married life with low expectations. Humans are mysterious creatures, and what initially appears to be the booby prize may turn out to be a serviceable household appliance. There might also be fewer recriminations about adultery, given that cheaters could use the line “I didn’t ask to be married to you” to mitigate their infidelities. 

When I mentioned this item of news to the manager of the safari camp, he grinned like an alligator:

“That mayor is a crafty old vulture!” he chortled. “I bet he’ll be offering consolation prizes to the girls who don’t find their dream-boy at the love supper!” 

Much as I abhor his cynicism, it’s possible that he’s right. The mayor looks like a burly ex-wrestler who could knock out a grizzly bear’s teeth with his bald head. Men like that are renowned for their prodigious sexual appetites. Maybe he'll go to the love supper himself, making toasts and acting like the star of the show, while his aides invite the best-looking fillies to a slumber party at the mayoral mansion. There’s no shortage of women who’d rather be the concubine of the bulldog than the wife of the poodle. 

Even if the mayor is entirely on the level, there’s something not quite right about bribing nubile women to come to a dinner party. Men who want to get hitched should do the chasing themselves rather than being spoon-fed with bussed-in totty. If I saw one of those lovelorn bachelors moping around, I would give him a stern lecture: 

“Young man,” I would say, “if you want to find a bride, saddle up your horse and ride out of town with a lasso in hand. A worthy suitor takes what he wants rather than waiting for the world to come to him.” 

As a fan of the western, I’m assuming that being carried off on horseback would quicken the pulse of any eligible spinster. Am I wrong?

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your advice to the lovelorn moping bachelor touches on a wider problem in have become pussies.
At first, I read this all wide-eyed thinking, "what a nice thing to do." Then, my rational/skeptical side took over and saw it as something perhaps a little less genuine. I'd like to think he means to bring people looking for love together. :)

John Wayne was quite dreamy on the back of a horse. :)
You are right, GB. That would quicken this spinster's pulse. Sadly, dull boy is right too. Upon seeing a woman on horseback, those pansies would cling more tightly to their mommies.

I was upset I didn't get an invitation to that dinner but read that they are also expected to procreate. That would be fun too, just not after conception.

If his intentions are good, then it's a noble gesture to want to get everyone married Mr. GB. But if he's got sinister intentions and wants to run a brothel then I hope he doesn't succeed.

"A worthy suitor takes what he wants"...that is some sound advice. Men should do the chasing. I certainly wouldn't mind being carried off on horseback. Or have a man hung like one.
A serbiab love supper? I can only respond with a quote from a classic Western - hell's come to breakfast.
i've experienced that the less attractive women are more successful attracting men when large amounts of alcohol are involved. an open bar featuring a good single malt scotch would be a great equalizer.
the love suppers sounds like speed-dating events, with government money.

i wonder if the mayor is single.
I love reading a blog post that has at least one line in it that causes me to laugh out loud. This piece not only did that to me but so did several of the comments!
"Sugarplum or lemon" huh? Well in my own personal experience, I seemed to have always attracted -or been attracted to for some reason or other -the lemony side of life. I agree too though with the evaluation of the mayor -looks like he has done a couple battles with a grizzly bear and it has definitely rubbed off on him with that surly expression. Other than that, I'm just going to chuckle over the observations made here -probably at least for the rest of the day!
Dull boy: I've heard that there are chemicals in tap water which mimic female sex hormones. Maybe that's what pussifying the men.

Frisky Virgin: It seems his prime aim is procreation rather than love, Miss Virgin. He is worried about the falling population of his town. Did you ever fantasize about being the girl in True Grit?

Robyn: Haha, Robyn, maybe Yul Brynner in one of his horseman roles would have been the perfect man for you! Wasn't he of Jewish ancestry too?

Azra: Hung like a horse, Miss Azra? The proverb "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach" comes to mind, although 'stomach' isn't quite the right word here.

Steve: Ah, you're too judgemental, they don't all eat babies y'know.

Billy: You must be the 6th man I've heard say that, so I'm going to assume it must be true.

Jaya: That's a very good question, Jaya. He surely must be married, otherwise people would be mocking him mercilessly.

Jeni: Hello and welcome, Jeni, I'm glad the guests have entertained you. Someone has to take care of the lemons, so think of what you've done as necessary social work.
dammit....I wanna be carried off on horseback
"There’s no shortage of women who’d rather be the concubine of the bulldog than the wife of the poodle."

Which, if we are talking about looks alone here, rather explains Liam Gallagher.
The mayor's not the only one at it, either. Charlotte Church's ex, Gavin Henson, is also having a bus load of totty rounded up for his delectation! And, the rugby player is doing it on TV, too. If you ask me though, he should've clung on to what he already had!!
I hope someone brings the lube and a covered dish to share to the love supper.
I like this notion of the "love supper." I'm inviting Mrs. Noisewater to one very soon. It will be immediately followed by an invite to an exclusive no-pants-bed-dance.
Reality Jayne: I hope your wish comes true, Ma'am. Put an ad in the personal columns and don't forget to mention your weight.

Jon: Does he still have concubines? I thought he had lost most of his mojo.

Time Warden: I totally agree. Charlotte Church is an alpha female with plenty for a mate to hang on to. And she's Welsh.

Al Penwasser: A covered dish? Would that be to keep the food warm while they're socialising?

Dr Ken: The no-pants dance was invented by us jungle apes. Let me know if you need any lessons.
I don't think I'd like the lot drawing method. I'm pretty happy with who I have. :P
I'm off to Greece soon, sounds nice
Tessa says Clint's wife WAS a household appliance. She's just jealous.
Dwei: Well, quite. A bird in hand is a bird indeed.

SoupWaiter: Does that mean you like bushy eyebrows?

Fred: Which wife is she talking about? I don't think he ever married Sondra Locke, even though he made her expose her tush in The Outlaw Josie Wales.
Oh, I thought they were married. But that's who she meant.
Tattoo people are odd - Steven Smith the Microsoft zune tattoo person come to mind, why have one where no one can see it.
Fred Miller: She sued Clint for "palimony" and told everyone his bedroom secrets.

Bananasfk: I've got a feeling you meant this comment to go on the next post.
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