Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hello Dolly!

My females have been shaking their hairy haunches to the music of Dolly Parton and I’m not ashamed to admit I joined them. The feisty diva’s latest CD is a must buy for anyone with an ear for cheerful ditties, sung in the chirpy-yet-defiant voice of a busty-yet-diminutive southern belle. 

Miss Parton is now wealthy enough to produce her own albums, having previously been frustrated by shallow and avaricious record companies that will shun a female artist whose nipples are lower than her rib-cage. In a recent interview, she was quick to point out that being her own boss had its advantages: 

“I don’t have to listen to anybody,” she explained. “I’m the only person that I have to tell to kiss my ass.” 

She was speaking figuratively, of course. There are very few humans whose spines are flexible enough to kiss their own behinds, and I’d be very surprised if Dolly could get within 12 inches at her age. Thankfully, a singer of her rare and extraordinary genius will never have to attempt this inelegant feat to entertain her adoring fans. 

“It ain’t really about the money, it’s about the art.” she declared when pressed on the matter. 

I couldn’t agree more. There’s nothing remotely artistic about smooching your own rear end, even if the perverts and ghouls would pay top-dollar to witness it. A lady of style does not sully her image by performing unnatural stunts. 

On the subject of ladies’ bottoms, a woman of infinitely lower pedigree than Dolly Parton has displayed a photo of her naked posterior in an English law court. Accused of the heinous crime of punching a lesbian, she claimed the rainbow-coloured flower tattooed on her backside proved she harboured no prejudice against the Sapphic sisterhood. This dubious “evidence” immediately sowed seeds of dissension among the jury, who were subsequently unable to agree a verdict. The authorities decided against a retrial, so the woman walked free with a triumphant smirk on her face. 

It disappoints me that 12 honest citizens could so easily be distracted by a wholly irrelevant arse snap. How could they be sure it belonged to the defendant in any case? There was no question of exposing her rump in open court, which might have given the judge a stroke, and you can’t accept the word of a queer-basher. As a result of their pusillanimity, a truculent hussy will be free to inflict further aggravations on innocent lesbians and their collaborators. 

Had I been a member of the jury, I would have pointed out that law-abiding women do not deface their buttocks with rainbow-coloured tattoos. The fact that she shamelessly displayed a photo of the alleged tattoo was proof enough of her brazen and disruptive character. And if the derriere in question did not belong to the accused, she was guilty of perjury to boot. 

There are times when it doesn’t need much deliberation to determine a person’s guilt – you could say it was written on their butt cheeks. 

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I would want proof that her tattoo predated the crime for which she was being tried. I would also insist on giving it a good rub to ensure it wasn't one of those cheap transfer things.
Dolly Parton is a legend with one heck of a personality.

Agree with you and Steve--they would need to know the date of the tattoo, determine whether it was real or fake, and they would have to see proof that the picture was of her bottom. However, the actions required to prove these facts would effectively turn the court into an X-rated circus.
Human females who bare their breasts or buttocks are forgiven a multitude of sins, our justice system is just one facet of a male dominated society that crumbles hopelessly when females expose themselves. I mean if Dolly Parton offered to show me her arse I'd let her punch a lesbian.
Do you know what the John and Caroline Kennedy kids could do that other US kids couldn't? Kiss their Onassis. :)

By the same token of the ass-tat bearing Miss in your post... I don't feel so bad about eating tuna now since I have a tat of a dolphin on my ankle which obviously states that I am against the horror inflicted on them by being ensnared in tuna fishermen's nets...
i guess an old broad with an older audience can still sell cd's.

i wonder what dolly looks like without the makeup and wig? i don't think i want to find out.
Dolly must have a strong back to carry all that massive front. Wonder if she ever regrets it. She has good music though.
I dont care what anyone says about Dolly...She"countrys?"

i'm thinking of getting 'i love the tax office' tattooed on my arse, that way i should be safe from being found guilty of cheating on my tax return.
Steve: I think you'd need to lick it to make absolutely sure it was a real tattoo. There are probably quite a few in the legal profession who are qualified to do it.

Frisky Virgin: Would you say she's the premier lady of the South, Miss Virgin?

SoupWaiter: One good turn deserves another, I suppose, but I don't approve of victimising lesbians. What harm have they ever done?

Angie: The ankle is a far more civilised place for a tattoo, Angie. Showing us a picture of it would not be unladylike.

Billy: You might be surprised. Singin' and lovin' can keep a woman young. As Dolly would say.

Jaya: They did give her back problems, Jaya. I believe she had them reduced in size some years ago.

Left Coast Guy: I think the word you're looking for is "yodels".

Dull boy: If you attached a photo of it to your tax return it might save you an investigation.
I really like Dolly too, but it must be easy for a millionairess to say it ain't about the money.
Wonder if she has any tatoos. She's got plenty of room for them.
In my younger days, when I worked in a record/CD store and was more easily amused, I sometimes found it a little difficult keeping a straight face when selling copies of Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits! I think it was a double album too!!
Dolly is a goddess in the mould of Mae West. She once said "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap". She has a beautiful voice, and writes a lot of her songs. Her bluegrass album is sublime, and her wigs are legendary. As for the fighting lesbians, why didn't they do the perpetrator for common assault? There must have been plenty of witnesses. Then again, if you will read the Daily Mail ....
But yet.......................
That twit does have a good ass to show.....just sayin
I read all that and got stuck on the word "pusillanimity". I initially thought it was a dirty word. You're one intelligent ape Mr. GB because even with my degree, I've never come across a word like that.

Anyway, Dolly reminds me of Pammy Anderson... I can picture here 20 - 30 years from now trying to yodel like Heidi.
I think she was just trying to save the town by putting her finger in the dyke.
Nice pictures, though.
Hubba, hubba.
Robyn: If she has one, I hope it's not on a stretchable part of her body.

Time Warden: I would have kept a straight face unless the album had been called 'Bosom friends'.

Lady Daphne: I quite agree, milady. Dolly's achievements would be enough to make anyone's chest swell with pride. I would never read an anti-lesbian rag like the Daily Mail.

Reality Jayne: It doesn't belong to the queer-basher, Jayne. She doesn't deserve to have a rump that peachy.

Azra: I wanted to use a more common word, but couldn't think of a satisfactory synonym. Pamela Anderson is a friend of the gorilla nation to whom I've dedicated previous posts.

Al: Hah! It was her fist rather than her finger and she put it in the wrong place!
A fan of Zippy, George and Bungle could hit as many lesbians as they liked and show of their Rainbow tattoo to get away with it.

It's a loophole, I tells ya.
I would never hit a lesbian. They punch back. It hurts.
all my tattoos are on my nether regions, to help me get out of speeding tickets and other criminal charges.

t'was an investment, really.
I had no idea this was a legal option. Next time I am fighting a parking ticket I'm gonna ask the judge if I can enter "my junk" into evidence.... just cause!
Interesting...maybe if I get an Inuit tattooed on my ass, people will stop accusing me of being racist against Eskimos...
nice tattoo pic - many years from now it will look very different with a saggy ass under it.
The Jules: Not if the judge has a long memory for children's TV. Was there a lesbian in that show? I can't quite remember...

Fred: A wise policy, Sir. Would you hug a lesbian?

Kage: Have you had any photos taken? Some traffic cops might not realise that showing them your nether regions is a bribe.

Steve: How much junk have you got?

Bschooled: Wouldn't you then have to sit on ice to make your guest feel at home?

lisleman: That's a sad thought. Hopefully advances in butt-firming technology will push that date further into the future.
GB I have a tattoo on my arse - does that mean that I am guilty of something too ?
Of course it does, Ms Cowgirl. You don't even try to hide your sins - I give you credit for that.
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