Monday, August 15, 2011

Chinese dress code

The Chinese government is cracking down on “vulgarity” in public places. The nation’s biggest on-line gaming fair has been told that the models who appear in the event should not display advertising logos in “sensitive positions”. That sounds like the deliberately vague catch-all prohibition of a Communist regime scared of counter-revolutionary nipple slogans. Some might think Chinese girls were insufficiently endowed to carry seditious material on their bosoms, but apparently much can be said with a couple of well-chosen characters. During the Cultural Revolution, the red guards checked whether suspects had shaved insults to Mao on their pubic hair. 

A more specific restriction on the models’ attire is that no more than two-thirds of their backs should be uncovered. One has to respect the mathematical precision of the ruling. A professor on safari told me that at least six measurements would be required to work out the bare-back ratio. I suppose an eager little fellow with an inch tape will be taking the girls’ dimensions from behind and feeding the data into his programmable calculator. It’s the sort of job any self-respecting geek would pay for the privilege of doing. 

I’ve only ever encountered one man who was besotted with the female back. He was a quarter Chinese but one-half Welsh, so we can’t draw any conclusions from that. The circus I worked for had hired him as a human cannonball, which meant that his own back was subject to considerable compression. Maybe that’s why he yearned to rub his face against the unspoiled vertebrae of a well-postured woman. 

He evaded capture for some time by preying on female spectators, who assumed their molester was another member of the audience. His luck ran out when I caught him sneaking behind a lady in an open-backed frock and licking her between the shoulder blades. He was wearing clown’s make-up as a disguise, but I saw through the subterfuge immediately. 

“Cheong-Jones!” I exclaimed, as he strove to escape my long-armed grip. “There’s no point struggling, my hand is like a vice on your collar! Never again will your lizard-like tongue moisten the innocent flesh of a ticket-paying customer!” 

After realising there was no hope of escape, he tried to mollify his bemused victim, who had turned round to face us. He began with flattery, telling her what an irresistible back she had, which had tasted even better than it looked. He then made the fatal error of offering to cleanse the defiled flesh with a damp sponge, which made the woman shudder and flinch. 

Cheong-Jones was later given his marching orders with a decent severance package. Before he left, I asked him why he was drawn to women’s backs. 

“They remind me of the marble columns in my uncle’s mansion,” he explained. “I used to rub against them when I was a boy. Nothing has ever come close.” 

The ingenuity of humans in finding sexual surrogates has never failed to impress me. I suppose you can’t beat marble if you like it smooth and hard. A bit too cool for my liking, I should fancy. 

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the chinese are always thinking 3 steps ahead. i wish i was smart enough to think that far ahead.
Hmmm. I'm into the Corinthian and Ionic backs personally. I can see where Cheong was coming from!
He licked her back? That's disgusting Mr. GB - I'd cut the tongue of the guy who tried to do that to me... but then again, chances are my back wouldn't be open for licking.
The erotic possibilities of the female back are not lost on me Mr B, but I'm not sure they are powerful enough to cause public indiscretion.

The idea of shaving slogans into pubic hair is a new one on me: clearly some of our more forward thinking politicos should consider this with a view to dropping their keks at party conference. Could make people sit up and take notice, that.
No more than two thirds of their backs? Does the same ruling apply to the front?
There i was still happy with using Micheal Jackson and his 'weird' fans as pervs when you trump me.

Mind you does Mr Jones lick monkeys ?
I've just shaved the letters G and B into my pubes.

How's that for devotion.
Now can I have a banana ?

All joking aside I once had a boyf who had a thing about backs, well that's what he said, might've just been that he didn't like my face. At first I wondered if this was about him but he wasn't Chinese.
this is a perplexing 'chicken or egg' scenario. would one be drawn to the bosom and then the advertising, or would one be drawn to the advertising and then the bosom?.....don't s'pose it really matters

('cheong-jones' is a classic)
Billy: I think you're better off trusting your gut instinct than trying to compete with the Chinese.

Angie: You're very understanding, Angie. Would you mind having your back licked?

Azra: Cutting of tongues is a bit medieval, Miss Azra. Maybe smearing a nasty-tasting gel on your back would teach the perverts a good lesson.

Jon: I don't think the English language is concise enough for an inspiring political slogan to be inscribed in pubic hair. The Chinese can say a lot with a single character.

Steve: The front is forbidden territory in China. Foreign devils have been bamboo-whipped for venturing there.

Bananasfk: Most humans don't like licking hairy things because they might get a hair in the throat. Are you implying that MJ licked Bubbles?

Dirty Cowgirl: That's very flattering, Ms Cowgirl, but I don't believe you. You former paramour sounds like a connoisseur, so it's quite possible that your back is your most attractive feature.

Dull boy: I think the Chinese government is worried about men who want to ogle bosoms pretending they're interested in the advertising slogans. The article implies that a lot of men only go to this fair to look at the pretty girls.
Everybody knows that 1/16 of exposed spine is what distinguishes a respectable Asian from a total slut.
Perhaps the only way to discover the true nature of a lady is to see if she has a tramp stamp tattooed above her bottom.
Now, I know why visiting Gothic cathedrals makes me horny. It's the huge stone columns that are like women's backs. Yeah.
GB, I wonder how the officials define "sensitive positions" of the body.
I like a good back on a woman. Also, I don't like writing on butts and boobs, especially when it's on girls under 18. Does that make me conservative? Shit . . .
Covering backs? What about all those statuesque women who trade upon the length of their beautiful length? Sacrilege!

I'd think a good back is sexy, much more than the front. But you did the right thing by catching Cheong Jones in action !
Their focus on the back is a bit strange. Like Robyn, I'm curious what their definition of "sensitive positions" may be. Arguably, they could say every part of the human body is sensually sensitive. Different people find different areas sexy--what about the mouth? Eyes? Perhaps women should just walk around in a sheet like a ghost...although, upon further reflection, that may defeat the purpose.

The marble column preference was hilariously weird. :)
Bschooled: It's the position as well as the quantity. Showing a man your shoulder blades is equivalent to prostitution in parts of the Far East.

Time Warden: Are all tattoos above the bottom tramp stamps? There must be a hell of a lot of tramps if they are.

Fred: Aren't the columns on Gothic cathedrals a little old and weather-beaten? I suppose it's to your credit that you still find them attractive.

Robyn: They deliberately chose not to, Robyn. Remember when an American court defined "sexual relations" for Bill Clinton? They made complete asses of themselves.

Dr Ken: Writing on a woman's skin is vandalism. Perhaps you should try painting on it instead, quite a few artists do that.

Left Coast Guy: Many women do indeed have beautiful backs, but if they expose them too often they might fall prey to a devilish back-licker.

Jaya: I see you prefer the valleys to the hills, Jaya! It was my duty to apprehend Cheong-Jones and make him account for his sins.

Frisky Virgin: They used that expression because they were too embarrassed to specify what they meant, Miss Virgin. Have you never felt like touching marble column?
Sex is all in the head.
Even when you're getting head.
Although, that's a different head.
Adding you to the blogroll hope that's cool.
Notactuallygod: Really? I thought it was the same head being used in different ways.

Desert demons: Fine by me!
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