Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Blessed are the peacemakers

Earlier this year, I rebuked a chimpanzee for wearing a Manchester United football shirt. 

“You silly chimp!” I exclaimed. “Have you ever been to Manchester? The place is cold and grey and full of sour-faced humans.” 

“But I’ve seen them play on the satellite sports channel!” he protested. “Their best player is the spitting image of our band’s alpha male.” 

“Looks aren’t everything,” I replied. “I assure you he’d be useless in a fight with marauding baboons.” 

I was reminded of this exchange on hearing news of a 19-year-old Mancunian who is patrolling the mean streets of his city in a costume that might have been designed for Spiderman’s bumbling sidekick. His aim is to dissuade rowdy men from brawling and encourage them to settle their differences amicably. 

“All I want to do is try and get people to like each other," he explained to a journalist. 

Remarkably, none of the ruffians he has attempted to mollify has responded to his message of goodwill by using his masked head as a football. Perhaps that’s because he judiciously calls the police if he senses his intervention will provoke antagonism rather than reconciliation. Even Batman and Robin used to bring in the fuzz to sort things out in the final stages. 

Before you get the wrong idea, let me emphasize that I have no scorn for this idealistic young simpleton. When I was a young gorilla, living among humans, I also tried to pacify men engaged in fisticuffs. I then discovered a remarkable paradox – the only effective method of putting an end to their violence was to threaten (and often deliver) more brutal violence. This led me to revise my tactics. When I see men fighting nowadays, I pull up a chair, order a tub of popcorn and watch the action like a film buff at the cinema. If this alone doesn’t bring about a truce, shouting “I’ll fight the winner” usually has a calming effect. 

A very different approach is required when I encounter an affray between women. Obviously I can’t just watch them, which would be the behaviour of a roguish voyeur. Fortunately, my years of experience with female circus acrobats taught me what to do in these situations. Rather than intervening to settle the dispute, one must impose oneself as the referee. 

The main rules to enforce in a catfight are as follows – no scratching, hair-pulling or pinching of the bosom flesh. Blows must be delivered cleanly to the fleshy parts of the body and biting is only acceptable if the face is being pummelled. Wrestling and slapping of the posterior are encouraged as forms of aggression less likely to cause injury or disfigurement. Coarse swearing or mean remarks are strongly censured. 

A danger of refereeing such bouts, of course, is getting caught up in the melee yourself. Enraged women don’t like being chided by a gorilla and are apt to question his neutrality. My immediate response to such an impropriety is to hoist the combatants off the ground, holding one under each arm. I have always found that women are much calmer when their feet are airborne. 

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hey GB. i just wrestled a sad old man with dementia to the ground. he was a slippery bugger, too, banging on about a frenchman who stole his pants in "the great war".

as i stood on his neck i said, "the great war? what the hell are you talking about, old man? they've ALL been great!"

anyway, what this all boils down to is that i won, so YOU'RE NEXT.
Hmm, I just watched that snippet. I'm a bit worried for this kid's life. I think the 'mum' is a bit touched for encouraging him too.
Being a fire sign, I'm partial to Arson and would probably set my opponent on fire. But most of the time fighting bores me and I'd rather ignore him/her and eat a jar of Nutella or go on holiday instead.

I don't actually like or advocate violence Mr GB. But I think if you're going to fight, you have to fight fairly. No hair-pulling and all that other girly stuff. Get some ring-side seats and prepare to battle like pros.
"I have always found that women are much calmer when their feet are airborne..." Then you are quite clearly not doing it right.
Perhaps the Met Officers could be taught this bottom slapping technique, Mr Bananas?
How I wish tasers and pepper-sprays were legal here too ! (well, despite it being illegal many women still carry a pepper spray with them. I did too, but it had expired. A perfume or mosquito spray with a lighter can also work a show - if you have them in times of emergency).
mr bananas, are you related to bollo on the mighty boosh?
Not really sure what the hell I just read, but I'm going to assume you are not a fan of Manchester. Either that or you are a fan of chimps.
Kage: It doesn't sound as if you fought fair, Ms Kage, I think the old fella deserves a re-match. I only fight women with fat asses, so you'll have to get into shape before you take me on.

Robyn: I think his mum is enjoying his celebrity status. Maybe she's hired a bodyguard to follow him when he's working.

Azra: Setting people on fire isn't allowed under the Queensbury rules, Miss Azra, but I'm sure you could win any fight with words alone. Having a holiday is much more fun, as you say.

Steve: I can imagine women would get pretty frustrated if you gave them piggyback rides.

Miss Scarlet: Hello, Miss Scarlet! You know very well that slapping bottoms isn't in the police manual. That's a punishment specifically for naughty girls!

Jaya: I'm glad you consider these precautions, Jaya. Is it particularly dangerous for women in your part of the world?

Billy: Bollo comes from a less cultivated branch of the gorilla family. We might be 70th cousins.

Eliot: I am a fan of neither chimps nor Manchester. The former are too excitable and the latter is too far north.
It depends which way she has mounted you...
From the Pope to Wonder Woman, via the Salvation Army, I never really trust anyone who feels that they need to dress in a silly costume before they can do well by their fellow man (or gorilla). The Good Samaritan didn't need spandex but will be remembered long after Linda Carter.
Has that shirt wearing chimp got an asbo yet ?
i'll eat for you today, then, GB. BOOYAH.

pissed script: can't give that old man a rematch, i'm afraid. he died of shock when i told him i like to tongue kiss my girlfriends. but there are plenty more where he came from. just down the hall, as it happens.
It's not that bad, GB but there snatch thefts and sorts in some areas. Pepper sprays is just precautionary. Perfumes and lighter- that I picked up from a self defense class for women :)
I'll agree with you. I'm happier when my feet are airborne. :)
Always a party over here, isn't there?

I've nothing to contribute really, so I'll be standing over here, taking notes.

I've got a tenner says the Knight Warrior is a virgin.
And no doubt hiding a ginger barnet under that suit.

Those girls need to learn how to fight, fuck all that hair pulling screechy shit. Punch 'em in the mouth and stamp on their faces.

And yeah, funnily enough the only time any man's ever controlled me I've had my legs in the air.
Well over his shoulders, but that's the same thing aint it ?
Nice post, Mr Gorilla. Your blog confirms what I've long suspected - that there are apes who can do a better job at writing than the majority of men.
Steve: Are you implying you could satisfy a woman while trotting about like a billy goat? I'd like to see the sketches before believing that.

Jobrag: Well, some people would say that Gandhi wore a funny costume, but I take your point. The true do-gooders don't perform for the crowd.

Bananasfk: I think you judge him too harshly. Misplaced admiration doesn't make him a yobbo.

Kage: A man who doesn't appreciate girl-on-girl action should be dumped like a mouldy potato. I want you to savour every mouthful when you're eating. It will be good practice.

Jaya: You sound well prepared, Jaya. Any grasping fellow who messes with your assets should expect to get his fingers burned!

Angie That's good to hear, Angie. I hope that means you're relaxed and don't kick.

Pearl: If it's a party you ought to join in, Pearl. Can you sing or do magical tricks?

Dirty Cowgirl: Henry Higgins would have had his work cut out trying to make a lady of you. I wonder if Mary Read or Anne Bonny was one of your ancestors.

RCB: Thank you, Mr RCB, I'm sure you are one of those men who can do a better job than most apes.
I'm glad I live in Canada.

Not only is pinching of the bosom flesh allowed, it's strongly encouraged.

Or, so I've been told...
glad to hear that mean remarks and course swearing are censured whilst two women are trying to belt the crap out of each other.

....wouldn't want it to transcend into uncivilised behaviour.
Certainly gave me pause for thought. I've always believed that Mr R was more baboon than chimp, but I defer to your expert opinion.
i guess those of us who turn aside and do nothing about crime can hardly criticise someone who is trying to do something - although that then raises the question of what happens when everyone starts taking the law into their own hands.

But at least now i know why Superman was from Metropolis and not Salford - like our kid
Awww, I think it's sweet that he is trying to be a superhero. Reality pretty much sucks, so I don't blame him for creating his own reality from time to time. :)

'tis funny you should say that me hearty.

I do have Irish ancestry so maybe, it might also explain why I happen to own two pirate outfits.

I also have a parrot called 'ole cunty bollocks'.

Shiver me timbers and pieces of eight.
Bschooled: It that because of the cold climate, Ms Bschooled? A good pinch might warm up frigid flesh.

Dull boy: Words can often do more damage that blows, my friend - to humans anyway.

Jon: His temperament is baboonish, certainly, but his face is too round.

DFTP: Well, I think his method is to persuade rather than enforce. Perhaps his costume serves to defuse the tension with humour.

Frisky Virgin: Maybe you should send him a message of encouragement, Miss Virgin. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to win your favour.

Dirty Cowgirl: They saved themselves from the rope by getting pregnant. I get an insight into the minds of such wicked women by reading your musings.
I find that chimpanzees wearing clothing in general is extremely weird. I know others find it cute and fancy the devil out of anthropomorphic activities. Dressing up dogs and cats to look like people to me is just as creepy. You might as well impersonate an ape and write a blog or something...oh, wait. Never mind.

Anyhow, I bet a riot stirred up amongst many ladies could be attributed to a disagreement as to whose dog is cuter in that nondescript spandex superhero costume. Fisticuffs and hair would be flying everywhere. But it'd be more entertaining than this riot in Manchester.
And when does the vat of baby oil get introduced?
Static: Although chimpanzees don't need to wear clothes, I think they have as much right to make a fashion statement as humans. And we gorillas are entitled to criticize silly fashion statements.

The Jules: When the girls are a safe distance from where I am.
@Gorilla B. You're right. Chimps are horrible dressers. They're such chavs.
@Scarlett Hi there girlfriend! Long time no see. Where ya been hidin' out at?

@Billy I think sasquatch is related to bolo. This would explain all the hair, the big feet, and the stench.
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