Friday, July 22, 2011


I’m coming to the conclusion that surveys of human mating practices are worthless. The participants simply say what they think the interviewer wants to hear rather than confessing their deepest desires (to say nothing of their kinkiest fetishes). 

I base my opinion on the results of a recent survey of human couples in long-term relationships. It appears that the women said regular sex was essential, whereas the men said they needed to be kissed and cuddled. After pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t in a parallel universe, I realised what must have happened. The women were so worried about appearing needy and emotional that they pretended to be men, while the men were so fearful of looking like heartless lechers that they pretended to be women. The result of all this disinformation was a report with findings that would make a baboon chortle. 

The ability of humans to lie convincingly is a big problem for us anthropological apes. Mother Nature has designed the face of homo sapiens to be the perfect lying machine. Those devious inscrutable eyes; that prominent nose (which unlike Pinocchio’s remains the same length unless you pull it); that weaselly mouth, capable of beguiling the naïve listener with its forked-tongued phrases. Many an honest gorilla has been hoodwinked by deceitful humans. 

Fortunately, my time in the circus enabled me to hone my human-face-reading skills. I remember a clown once asking me not to kick his arse during our act, because his pelvis had been replaced by a metal plate after a riding accident. 

“You would break your foot,” he warned, apparently concerned for my welfare. 

I sensed he was lying from the way his eyebrows twitched as he spoke. After some diligent detective work, I discovered that the only metal plates in his backside were those he stuffed into his underpants before putting on his costume. To teach him a lesson, I entered the ring with a large mallet in hand and smashed his buttocks like a pair of cymbals. The audience loved it. 

Another devilish trick humans employ is to tell you something that sounds like a tall story which turns out to be true. A few days ago, the manager of the safari camp asked me if I’d been invited to the “monkey wedding” in India. 

“A simian of your stature ought to be present at this ground-breaking event,” he said. “If I were a monkey I’d want you to be my best man.” 

“You don’t say,” I replied. “Well, unfortunately I’ve got a prior engagement to attend a chimpanzee christening before going to the barber to get my arse-hairs trimmed.” 

“Look it up if you don’t believe me,” he said sniggering.

I did and was amazed to find a corroborating news item. It seems that an Indian villager brought up a monkey as his son and found a bride for him in a neighbouring village. Their betrothal was celebrated with a traditional Indian jamboree involving saffron and plenty of coconuts. I don’t see it lasting unless their tails are tied together.

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I concur, GB. I have a friend that will tell men when she's out that she is all about the sex, no strings, she's too busy, etc. Later when it's just the girls, she will talk about how she wishes she could find Mr. Right.

I cannot speak for the male species of my people, but I am inclined to believe it's the same. Men pretending to be more emotionally "in touch" to appear to not be a whore when courting a potential mating partner.
The bride was another monkey, right? Not a villager? Or should I be admitting to some ropey fantasies the next time I'm asked to complete a sex survey (which I can usually knock off in about 3 minutes)?
are you sure this survey wasn't the result of phone hacking. it seems to me that information like this is only meant to be talked about privately - i mean if me mate nugget and i are talking about laydees, sure i'll tell him i love the occasional shag, but kissing & cuddling is where it's at - but that sort of talk is just between us.

(ps: i did chortle when i read the results of the survey so i know what that makes me)
what?! i'm spluttering! men and women LIE to each other??? now i'm not only spluttering, but wandering around my office, howling and walking into the walls.

such blasphemy from a mere ape?!?!?! it shall not stand! IT SHALL NOT STAND!!!!!!

haha! just kidding.
Hope those little monkeys signed a pre-nup - given all the swinging they do. That man could use some psychiatric help. Wouldn't you say, GB? Your species is much more evolved than us humans.
i'm wondering about the monkeys' wedding night. it's another ritual altogether among indians.
I find that lying has become a staple amongst the younger generations Mr GB. For instance, in my experience, 98% of the people I've met under the age of 30 are Pathological Liars. The other 2% is debatable.

Also, the way people lie on surveys is no different to the way they lie online. Ever browsed through profiles on Facebook, Myspace or Dating Sites? The way people present themselves is astounding. I've noticed that the number of plastic pouty girls with ironed hair and push-up bras are directly proportional to the number of guys clad in Aviator shades and donning spiked hair like Top Gun Tom Cruise wannabees. I guess they're putting their best (deceptive) foot (or in this case, face) forward.
Angie: That's very strange. If you keep pretending to want the opposite of what you want, you're going to end up with the opposite of what you want. I believe a male whore is called a "man-ho", like Deuce Bigalo.

Steve: Yes, it was another monkey, the Indians aren't that progressive. I'm surprised you take as long as 3 minutes to knock one off.

Dull boy: I'm trying to imagine what your wife would say if she overheard that conversation. Would she recognise you as the man she married?

Kage: They don't just lie to each other, Ms Kage, they lie to anonymous strangers who look at survey questionnaires. Which is a spankable offence.

Robyn: I suppose he means well, but look at the scared faces of the monkeys in the picture! Talk about shotgun weddings!

Jaya: I expect one of them was hiding in the wardrobe and the other was hiding under the kingsize bed.

Azra: They must be operating under the theory that first impressions are everything, Miss Azra. The result is that second impressions are a huge disappointment.
the survey must have had a high asian weighting where there are lots of slim attractive women.

i can't imagine cuddling with a 300 pound american woman.
A cuddle and a kiss is very nice. Especially if it's during some really good sex.
"It's illegal to marry a monkey. Anyone found doing that or attending the marriage ceremony will be arrested," said forest range officer Bhavar Singh Kaviya.

That seems unnecessarily oppressive. If people want to marry two monkeys, so what? Do the monkeys care? They're not bound by human religious doctrine.

Besides which, if you can find two monkeys that are willing to settle down and not terrorize their neighbors, the government should encourage that.

In any event, GB, maybe this article will help explain the confusion over that romance survey you read.
Nothing turns me off more than a guy actually saying he wants to be kissed and cuddled. What happened to the good old days when a man's idea of romance was a donkey punch and a bus ticket home?
Well, as long as the new couple don't call their kids "Apple" or after the latest pop starlett

You do have to wonder which official looked at the paperwork and thought "Monkey wedding...yeah whatever"
humans are fat stupid idiots. and the ones that aren't fat are skinny stupid idiots. and the ones that are neither are average stupid idiot.

i've always wanted to work in a circus. it sounds funner than any other job. you iz lucky.

a monkey wedding! why does nothing that awesome ever happen on this side of the border?
Billy: Hah, you've got a nerve saying that here! Are American women any fatter than Canadian ones?

The Jules: I see you're a man who likes to have his cake and eat it.

Chris V: The monkeys might not care about the marriage, but they don't seem to be enjoying the wedding if you examine the lower picture. The article you linked is fascinating, but it doesn't seem to consider the possibility of humans telling baldfaced lies.

Bschooled: Would you feel a man who said that to you had stolen your line? Or would you just be disappointed he didn't give you a donkey punch?

DFTP: They might have sidestepped the red tape by getting a baboon to conduct the ceremony.

Vice Versa: Is there anything to stop you from arranging a marriage for an attractive monkey couple in Karachi?
This is great!
That's it.... Armageddon is officially coming.... men wanting just to cuddle???? Whats next? Women not wanting foreplay? Im gonna go build an end of days shelter!
And the antichrist shall dwell among them, making man behaveth as woman and woman behaveth as man.
well there is the fact that my mother would freak out if i bought a monkey off a street person.
This just goes back to the "tell them what they want to hear" mentality. It's pathetic. Personally, I believe both are necessary--regular sex (but not structured and boring) and cuddling. Perhaps I feel this way because I haven't been around the block.
Actually I read that survey as well and was shocked at the findings , I was going to blame global warming for changing the roles or hegemony or anything else seems strange that suddenly men would want to be touchy feely for the sake of cuddles!
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