Monday, August 01, 2011

Strip for Putin

It seems the Russians still have a long way to go before they understand how the free market works. A bevy of the nation’s most beautiful women are supporting Mr Putin’s bid to regain the presidency in 2012 by taking off their clothes. I dare say ogling their naked bodies is as good a reason as any to vote for Pootikins, but you don’t bribe the voters by giving them the goodies in advance. They should have offered to strip off after their hero got elected Czar again. 

Putin has been an explosive sex symbol for Russian women ever since he promised to wipe out terrorists when they were sitting on the toilet. It takes a special kind of ruthlessness to blow a man away when he’s taking a dump. Most assassins wait until their victim has emptied his bowels and scoured with paper or douche. We gorillas would never attack an adversary who was answering a call of nature. Shitting animals are civilians in the jungle, and confronting them runs the risk of stepping in their poop. 

Now, Putin has been keeping very quiet about his stripper fan club and I don’t blame him. If he publicly disowns them he’ll look like an ungrateful KGB apparachnik, but if he thanks them too warmly people might think he put them up to it. In the heyday of my circus career, I attracted a large following of nubile young women, who sometimes deigned to show their devotion by disrobing. I never encouraged them. A busty young lady once told me she was going to dance topless through the streets of her home town with “GORILLA” printed on one breast and “BANANAS” printed on the other. Believe me, they were big enough for the words to fit. 

“Your adulation touches me greatly,” I said, “but I cannot publicly acknowledge your gesture or thank you for it.” 

“Don’t you want me to do it?” she asked. 

“It is not for me to forbid you,” I replied. “Do what you must do, but don’t expect me to attend the event or cheer you on. A family entertainer must maintain a discreet silence when a woman jiggles her jahoobies in his honour.” 

As you can see, my answer occupied the narrow middle ground between incitement and disapproval. She nevertheless interpreted it as a green light to proceed. When my circus colleagues rushed excitedly to tell me that she’d exhibited her assets to great hoopla, I maintained a poker face. 

“She was courteous enough to inform me of her plans in advance,” I remarked dryly. “I am glad she found an appreciative audience.” 

Her performance attracted the interest of various media outlets, and the graffiti on her bosom did not go unnoticed. This resulted in excellent publicity for my act, and our shows were sold out for the rest of the summer. As a token of my gratitude, I sent her a gift from the lingerie department of Selfridges, signing the card “Your hairy idol”. There’s no point displaying false modesty to a fan. 

Labels: , , ,

But won't those women be cold ?
Russia isn't exactly known for it's warm climate is it.

Oh wait...yeah I get it.
Nipples for Putin.
I once did something similar in order to get a local mayor elected. While he did not ultimately win the coveted seat, I was finally able to get rid of those pesky tan lines. WIN!
tsch. i've been using my jahoobies as a clever marketing platform for YEARS.

um...what are jahoobies?
I keep looking at that photo, GB. He's not looking at that woman's face. He's trying to subtley catch a glimpse of her jahoobies. Isn't he?
Thank God Anne Widdecombe never considered a similar campaign here in the UK...
i paid $500 for a russian wife but she hasn't arrived yet. apparently her mother is sick and she needs more funds.
I agree that assuming the dump-squat is like crossing your fingers and calling time out. But I have actually watched apes take a dump while beating the shit out of each other. It's some kind of evolutionary time saver, I'm sure.
Dirty Cowgirl: "Hard nipples for a hard man" might be an election-winning slogan.

Angie: If the mayor got elected, he definitely owed you a favour. He should have lined up his policemen and let you pick one.

Kage: Don't play dumb, Ms Kage, I gave you a picture! Is it possible to have too much of a good thing?

Robyn: He's doing it very slyly, Robyn. Maybe he's looking at a hand mirror one of his aides is pointing at her jahoobies.

Steve: Are you saying the sight of Anne Widdicombe's naked body wouldn't change the way you vote? Pull the other one...

Billy: She must like you, Billy, she' giving you the cheap rate.

Fred: They were probably shitting in fear. It can happen to humans too.
Like the way Putin thinks, Guns n' Girls!! though maybe if the young ladies do take their tops off everyone will vote for Gorbachev, what with the birthmark looking like a melted nipple!
Never pegged Putin as that kind of man...

But I suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise because he is a MAN.
Speaking of which, coming from the male species yourself Mr. GB - I have to wonder if you didn't deliberately entice the young jahoobie waver with your remarks. That "narrow middle ground between incitement and disapproval" is quite a manipulative tactic so typical of males...don't you think? Or maybe that was the entire point.. win-win situation I guess.
gb, i applaud your self restraint in the encounter with the busty young lady.....the fact that she wanted to write your name all over her breasts is a true sign of adulation for your work and it may well have compromised a person (ape) of less resilience. Putin my well be facing his biggest test yet.

(top idea on the lingere gift voucher too)
In the Malay and Indonesian languages, Puting means nipple.
Putin is not far from it, GB.
Little wonder so many Russian beauties are leaving the country in droves, if Putin is the best sex symbol they can find to strip for.

Bet he doesn't even offer lingerie vouchers, either.
I'm with Steve on the gratitude for Anne Widdicombe never doing this - but what if someone had Stripped for Tony - could they have used the tagline Stripped B(lai)re?
joebloggs: Gorbachev, alas, is a has-been that makes other has-beens look up-and-coming.

Azra: I wasn't trying to manipulate her, Miss Azra. I kept my hands and eyes a safe distance from her jahoobies.

Dull boy: Thank you for being so understanding. A gorilla must be above suspicion in titty matters.

Jaya: Hah! You must have a great time making jokes about his name in Malaysia!

Shrinky: I think they like him because he's powerful and sober, which makes him as rare as palm trees in Russia.

DFTP: I suspect Cherie is the only woman who would have stripped for Tony. I doubt it would have won him any votes, but it might have won her few cases if she'd appeared in court wearing nothing but a barrister's wig.
This gives a whole new meaning to "stuffing the ballet box!"
Wow. This seems more like something you would see in the L.A. mayor race, not in Russia. I think America can take credit for this awful/awesome trend of stripping campaign workers.
GB, in response to your question, let's find out.
don't worry, i don't really know what that means either.
russia. this country provides me an unusual amount of amusement
Steve Bailey: I doubt Putin will need encouragement from naked women to do that.

Dr Ken: Really? I must have missed that. Did anyone famous strip off?

Kage: I'm open to all suggestions, Ms Kage. We can explore the meaning of words later.

J.Littlejohn: That's rather ironic considering what a grim-faced bunch they are. I assume you laugh at them rather than with them.
Just when I think I've heard it all...

Well, I guess he's thinking "hey, whatever gets me elected!" I'm sure he's not complaining. lol
Having ur name painted across someone's jahoobies is a real honour, Mr. Bananas. You are a real gentleman for acknowledging it.
Frisky Virgin: He isn't complaining, Miss Virgin, but he may be a little embarrassed.

Runaway: Thank you, Miss Runaway, I try to be as chivalrous as circumstances will allow.
GB, you have all the makings of a good politician. Shrewd with words, a calmer of men, a master of all angles.

While I doubt you would want to run for office anyway, it's too bad that the new Planet of the Apes movie would probably create an unnecessary backlash against primates in control of humans.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin