Monday, July 04, 2011

Reservoir dog

I hear the authorities in Portland have drained an 8-million gallon reservoir because a man was filmed urinating in it. 

“Nobody wants to drink pee,” said the head of the city’s water bureau. 

Who gave him the authority to speak for mankind? I know for a fact that many humans are dedicated piss-drinkers, convinced of the fluid’s therapeutic properties. A celebrated exponent of the practice is the English actress Sarah Miles, whom I met many years ago after a circus show. 

“Miss Miles, how delightful to meet you!” I said. “What a fine performance you gave in Ryan’s Daughter! You must have been pretty uncomfortable when Robert Mitchum slumped on top of you in the wedding night scene.” 

“Thank you, GB,” she said smiling coyly. “Fortunately I emptied my bladder into a thermos flask before we shot that scene. It gave me something to drink during the tea break.” 

“How fascinating!” I exclaimed. “Did it taste good?” 

“It’s a bit like weak beer,” she said. “Would you like to try some? 

“Thank you, Sarah, but we gorillas have no need of beverages. We get all the moisture we need from our lush and fruity diet.” 

It goes without saying that I would have rather sucked a frog dry than sample Sarah’s effluence, but one has to be tactful when refusing a woman’s water. She went on to say that drinking your own pee protects you against allergies and poisons any parasites in your blood. I almost believed her. 

But let’s get back to the Portland piddler. By my calculation, the concentration of urine in the reservoir following the unlawful micturation was one part in 100 million. This is less than the concentration in the sea (where fish relieve themselves continuously) and far less than the concentration in swimming pools, which human infants use as pissoirs. Thus, the decision to drain the reservoir cannot be explained as a public health precaution. 

Perhaps the real reason for pulling the plug on all that water was to protect the honour of the city’s residents. Taking a leak on another person’s property has been an act of ritual humiliation since the Bronze Age, when the Assyrians pissed in the wells of their enemies. Witness the rage of the suburban householder whose flowers beds are watered by a neighbour’s dog, even though the nitrogen-rich dog-pee is a tonic for thirsty plants. 

Another possibility is that the fellow chose to empty his bladder into the reservoir because it was too big a target to miss. As every lavatory attendant knows, the human male is a remarkably inaccurate pisser. My friend Lady Chuffington has a grand home in England which contains several bathrooms and standalone lavatories. In every one of them is a sign with the following instructions on it: 


As no human males reside in the property, the sign is purely for visitors. Shaming men into cleaning up their mess is more tactful than telling them to pee sitting down, which would be an affront to their manhood. 

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jesus christ, GB. you didn't have to go to all this trouble; if you don't want to play golden showers with me anymore, you could have just said.

*sniff*. drama queen.
You can't do anything anymore without the government sticking its nose in!
only in america....

(and i'm astounded they let him live!!)
This man was filmed, on record. Surely there are those who have pissed but have been missed out by the authority. Then again, the concentration thing makes sense. Still yikesssss.
Were the government taking a holistic approach to the urine? I.e. just a single drop in all that water is more powerful than drinking a bucket load? At the end of the day the money they wasted draining the reservoir was the biggest piss take of all. Have they not heard of water treatment facilities?
Hey my water aficionados tell me excellent tap water has a bit of an asparagus nose to it.
ok - i've had the dubious honour of meeting Sarah Miles and can vouch for the fact that she definately takes the piss

surely they have filtration, or are aware of what happens when something gets diluted

And btw folks - just where do you think fish go to take a leak?? they don't climb out and use the banks guys
I'd be comfortable drinking water that came from that reservoir. They do treat it before it goes to homes.
Kage: I'm too big an ape to be embarrassed by your flights of fancy, Miss Kage. I'm more into spanking sports if your tush can cope with the attention.

Jerry: Perhaps they should have stuck their noses in and enjoyed the bouquet. It might have given them second thoughts about wasting it.

Dull boy: Maybe they're still be trying to identify him. The reach of the law is long in America.

Jaya: That's a good point, Jaya. Maybe it was one part per million rather than one part per 100 million. They should have analysed a sample.

Steve: You mean piss is a homeopathic medicine? What does it cure, I wonder? A weak bladder?

Steve Bailey: Is that so? I prefer a little essence of hermit crab in my water.

DFTP: A dubious honour? Sarah Miles is a delightful silly lady and I won't hear a word against her. Do you have her email address?

Rae: Maybe the water had already been treated. The piss might have been the final ingredient to give it a tangy something before sending it to the taps.
What I'd like to know is where all that water went when they pulled the plug ?

And are they going to drain the med ? I've had a few wees in that.
Imagine all the draining of London reservoirs if we did that every time some gentleman relieved himself. Too touchy by far these Oregonians.
we don't piss in your ashtrays so don't throw cigarette butts in our urinals.

i've always adhered to that protocol.
Like Bukowski said. "Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."
I think you've outdone yourself in terms of sarcastic hilarity with this post, GB. I especially like the line questioning his authority to decide what mankind likes to drink.
PS Excuse my being MIA. It will continue for a bit. I've had computer probs and am taking another little trip. No mobile connection. Just wanted to let you know since you're one of my favorites.
Dirty Cowgirl: I suspect it'll end up in the sea, like your own water. I hope you weren't playing with Greek lifeguards when you pissed in the Med. That sort of behaviour gives British tourists a bad name.

Madame Defarge: I'm sure London's tap water would taste rather flat without the piss, Madame D.

Billy: Yes, an ashtray isn't the best receptacle for it.
How about a vase?

Beer for the shower: It's the best place to go in a room without en-suite facilities.

Robyn: Welcome back, Robyn, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Would you have tea with Sarah Miles if she invited you?
You have not lived until you meet a pee collector (an actual job), or member of a special forces unit who is now a tv survival 'expert'.
I don't know how true it is Mr. GB, but I've heard that British tap water goes through at least 7 people before making it's way into your glass. Can't recall where I've heard/read that before - or maybe they were just taking the piss.

To drain the resevoir seems like a drastic thing to do. I'm sure the citizens of Portland consume more pee from their swimming pools. They could have done the philantropic thing and piped it to Mexico because it would still have been better than any of the water they have over there.
I am having a pool party this weekend. If someone pees in it I swear I will kill them...
He was, of course, the first man in the history of the universe to piss somewhere inappropriate...
Pee tastes like sesame seeds. Swear to God. I drank some by mistake once.

Sesame seeds. Seriously.

No big deal.
I had an uncle who used to drink his pee.....we all thought he was crazy. But who knows.....he might have been on to something
Bananasfk: I have more respect for the pee collector than Bear Grilly (or whatever his name is).

Azra: Well, Miss Azra, I suspect most of the drinking water in the world has passed through the bladder of some old codger. It's a good thing water has no memory of where it's been.

SDBS: Do you have a pee detector? Maybe you could train a shark to do the job.

Mrs Table: Where there is beer there is piss, Mrs Table. Would you let a man pee in your flower bed?

Fred: Do you know whose pee it was? Eating hamburger buns might account for the sesame seed flavour.

Sabrina: Are you sure he really drank it, Saby? He may have been taking the piss.
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