Friday, July 08, 2011

Rap queens

An academic from Texas, by the name of Dr Mia Moody, is claiming that female rappers often write lyrics boasting about their sexual prowess. Before giving credence to this shocking allegation, it would be prudent to review the evidence thoroughly. Such a precaution would be particularly apt in this case, as “Dr Mia Moody” sounds suspiciously like the pseudonym of a mischievous hoaxer. However, given that I can’t be bothered to carry out the necessary investigations, I will assume, for the sake of argument, that there are sufficient particles of truth in Dr Moody’s findings to make them worthy of comment. 

What can one say about women who tell people they are fantastic in bed? As well as being extremely unladylike, I would consider their bragging to be devoid of substance. Men are simply too varied in their coital preferences to give such boasts any clear meaning: some of them want a dominatrix who will tie them to the bed-posts before straddling them; others desire a dainty wood nymph who will whimper submissively during copulation. Admittedly, a high-class harlot might be versatile enough to satisfy the diverse and peculiar whims of her clientele, but this is clearly not what the conceited rappess has in mind when she tells her listeners she’s the hottest snake-handler on the planet. 

My ape intuition tells me that what these lyrics mean is that the performer has an insatiable sexual appetite, capable of draining the virile energy of the baddest mofo in town, leaving him lying on her rug with his paws in the air like a desiccated lizard. In other words, that she is good at enjoying herself in bed, rather than good at pleasing her partner. While it’s true that most men would prefer a woman who derives pleasure from their virile exertions, not many would wish to tangle with a voracious meat-grinder capable of turning the mightiest sausage into mince. A wise rooster avoids the hen who needs to get laid more frequently than her eggs do. 

Rap, it must be said, is a lowbrow art form. Aggressive chanting is what one expects to hear from a mob of garrulous football supporters rather than a performing artist. Women who aspire to excel in such a macho and misogynistic pastime must be suffering from some kind of hormonal imbalance, which might explain why they boast about their sexual abilities. The queen bee has to buzz loudly if she wants to be serviced by an unending procession of drones.

The only rap song I ever enjoyed was an ironic sporting ditty called Come on, Aussie, come on!, sung by a man who was obviously an outlandish humbug. I defy you to listen to it three times without joining in at the chorus. It now has an exalted place in my pantheon of favourite Australian hits, a coterie which includes Tie me kangaroo down! and Bite me arse, yer drongo! You can always trust the Australians to turn something vulgar and inane into a humorous classic. 

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I'm not much of a rap music listener. Some of it can be pretty smooth, but it's not really my thing. I always liked the song Nelly and Tim McGraw collaborated on. Stuff like that.

Oh, Aussie music is brilliant. I remember a tape (yeah, before CDs) my parents had--I love the lyrics of some of the classics. Clever.
I can see why women's excessive sexual prowess boosts album sales, but I can't see why it works with male rappers. Probably because it's funny.
oh they were the days, hearing that again had me involuntarily straightening my back with pride.

it still gets a guernsey every summer over here to greet whichever hapless cricket team visits our shores to take on the mighty aussie cricketers....

(maybe warnie & liz could make it in to a rappers duet)

speaking of aussie pride, this is a classic aussie ditty (language warning, but very funny)

this is another one not so much of a ditty, but a work of art just the same.
"Rap, it must be said, is a lowbrow art form" - I must concur. Thought the occasional golden nugget glimmers forth most of it is testosterone heavy and swollen with its own self importance (rather like a certain appendage of the male). Why women would want to emulate that is beyond me. Can't they stick to needlepoint and the pianoforte?
i disagree that rap is necessarily "low brow" - at least in its origins. It started out as the music of the streets sung by people just trying to express themselves with few other avenues.

The pre-packaged rap of the charts now - that IS full of sexism and violence on both the male and female side of things and has been so watered down in many ways that it no longer reflects those lost souls.

Still, having said which the line from Beastie Boys "Intergalactic" makes me laugh every time:

Your fingers pop/like a pinch from Mr Spock

Either genius or very, very wrong
As im writing to you, I am at a club where the only music they know is rap and it's annoying alright. One or two is fine. Sigh.

Men who brag about their bedroom ventures deserve to be kicked in the ass too.
there's a cure for women with voracious sexual appetites; marriage.
Frisky Virgin: It's all attitude and no melody, Miss Virgin. Definitely not something to play at your wedding.

Fred: The man who boasts about his sexual prowess is not exactly funny, but certainly a figure of fun. Women who do it make me curious.

Dull Boy: I'm glad it's still being played Down Under - some golden oldies are too good to be forgotten. I like the TISM number, but it would have been better in a 100% Australian accent.

Steve: I believe that women with high levels of testosterone have abnormally high sex drives, which could account for the female rap phenomenon.

DFTP: Couldn't they have expressed themselves by learning to play the harmonica? I can't tell whether the Mr Spock line is an insult or a compliment.

Jaya: Oh dear, Jaya, I hope you had ear plugs! Men who brag about their bedroom ventures are swinish creatures.

Billy: Speaking from experience, Billy? Your wife must be a luckier woman than we thought!
I really enjoyed her. A real shame.
And then there are the female rappers like Eve, who show rather than tell:

Do you recognize those paws, by chance?
A lesbian acquaintance of mine also loves to brag of her sexual prowess, maybe I should send her on a link to Lil' Kim, and see how attractive she actually finds this self promotion?

I don't mind rap, but yeah, some of the content I can happily pass on.
"A wise rooster avoids the hen who needs to get laid more frequently than her eggs do." - Nice choice of words Mr. GB.
I frown at anyone who boasts about those characteristics or activities that involve or depend upon a second or third party. It's akin to having a trial without having the other person there to defend themselves. For eg. its one thing to say "I'm good at making decisions" because it only affects you... but it's quite another to claim you make the best cupcakes in the world because it begs the question: according to whose standards? Like you said, people have different tastes and preferences :)
While I'm completely impressed with your analysis of female rapping and female "snake handling," I'm not sure that you're right about that song in the link being rap music. It's garbage, yes, but not garbage of the rap variety.

Good stuff here, and I'd just like to add that I don't support that doctor's research on the subject. I'm a doctor, damn it.
I find all the claims of incredible sexual prowess to be completely disgusting and not properly thought out.

Let's say you're a whore, right? Now we all know that whoring is something that people do when they are seeking something to fill an emotional void. One would expect a whore to be good at what they do. So what happens if you are sub par? Maybe you're having a bad rapper/slut day? Well then you just look like not a very good whore. WHAT I DO is downplay my talents. This way if I am just mediocre, maybe they think "Well she doesn't get sex often so I bet she will improve with practice. At least she's not a whore." If I am really GOOD at it then maybe they think, "Damn she's really good at this. It's like natural talent!"

I'm only partially kidding. You decide about which part. Regardless, most rap (male and female) is the same.
Braumaman: I never realised you were that close. Who are you talking about BTW?

Bschooled: They're much too small for a gorilla's paws, Ms Bschooled. Does she have a pet raccoon?

Shrinky: Does she brag to you about her sexual prowess? I suspect she might be making a pass at you.

Azra: Quite right, Miss Azra, the proof of the cupcakes is in the eating. And enjoying the taste of your own ones doesn't count.

Dr Ken: I was worried someone was going to say it wasn't rap! Is there actually a definition of rap? I just assume any song which is chanted rather than sung is rap.

Angie: I would guess you are serious about downplaying your talents rather than tooting your own horn. Horn-tooters usually end up in a bad way.
I think it is no coincidence that the decline in rap began with the disappearance of the human beat box.
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