Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The frog that won't croak

The manager of the safari camp has bet me 15 coconuts that Robert Mugabe will be ready for embalming before the year is out. He certainly looks overdue if recent photos are anything to go by. Yet Mugabe is telling his followers that he plans to live to 100, by which time he might resemble the skull and crossbones on a pirate flag. Zanu PF could then create a new party emblem called the “Jolly Robert” to terrify their opponents into submission. 

My jungle instincts tell me that a man of Mugabe’s character has too much demonic energy to die of natural causes. He feels the world is against him, which makes him cussed and resilient, capable of puffing out defiant rhetoric until his enemies have run out of steam. 

Enemy Number 1 is the former colonial power, which he refers to as the “Gay United Kingdom”. Relations hit rock bottom during a private visit to London in 1999, when a gay rights campaigner jumped into his limousine and tried to arrest him. Mugabe was badly shaken by the incident, believing, in his vanity, that he was about to be molested. Every since then he has railed against the British government and its “gay gangsters” for orchestrating a queer conspiracy against him. 

Many Zimbabweans, of course, believe that Mugabe himself is a repressed homosexual, like Mr Garrison in South Park. There is certainly something rather camp about him when he pontificates and postures in one of his brightly-coloured shirts. My own theory is that his hatred of gay men originates from his dealings with the late Canaan Banana, his old Zanu PF comrade, who gave him regular prostate examinations. When it was later discovered that Banana was a gay date rapist, Mugabe felt violated and humiliated, even though he’d probably enjoyed the examinations as much as Banana.

Perhaps the manager is hoping that an assassin will finish Mugabe off. The cleanest method of dispatch would be to shock him to death with a devastating insult. African autocrats have incredibly fragile egos which can’t handle disrespect from the common rabble. Mugabe was so upset when a policeman used his private toilet that he sent him to prison, even though the poor fellow was desperate. It would be wrong to single out Mugabe for this peculiarly African vice. In neighbouring South Africa, a man was arrested and roughed up for showing Jacob Zuma his middle finger. 

In an ideal world, an assassin with an exceptionally wobbly behind would moon at Mugabe during his daily breathing exercises, causing him to expire with his tongue hanging out. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that the mooner could get close enough to dominate his field of view. A more feasible plan would be hiring a fearless wag to traumatise the tyrant with vulgar abuse from a megaphone. 

“Hey Mugabe!” he might boom to get his attention. “Your head is so far up your arse that you don’t know whether you’re talking or farting!” 

A scatological barb of that severity should puncture his airbags for good.

Labels: , , ,

i can picture him prancing around his palace with his hoover upright, singing along to queen's 'i want to break free'.
Really mature post, Gorilla Balls.
I like your more feasible plan idea, GB. At 87, he thinks he's young? He's deluded in addition to ruthless.
I learn more about current world events from your blog than all other sources combined.

You're like CNN, only wittier. And more feral.

ps. I believe the correct term is "falking".
I bet a good and hard kick in the ball would send him over the edge. Even if it didn't, I am sure a lot of people would thank you anyway.
Too much demonic energy to die of natural causes? You make him sound like a Viagra erection.
The picture speaks for itself..
P.S. Your surname is also Banana !?! Any connection?
Someone should send just make him an honourary member of a Gay Pride organisation. Imagine him turning up to the meetings in a rainbow shirt all angry and defiant.

And aroused.
dull boy: Is "hoover" Aussie slang for something?

PALGOLAK: I shall assume you're not being sarcastic and thank you for appreciating my treatment of a serious topic.

Robyn: Apparently he makes regular medical visits to Singapore which cost $2 million a piece. I don't know what they do to him there, but he obviously believes in it.

Bschooled: Thank you, Ms Bschooled, maybe I should set up a Jungle news service. "Falking" is the correct term for a prostate examination delivered with intent to gratify?

Miss Sassy Pants: Assuming he still has a natural pair of nuts instead of a couple of marbles in his sack.

Steve: A very apt analogy, given that Mugabe almost certainly takes the blue pills. His wife is much younger than him...she must be counting the days.

Runaway Bride: No relation at all, Miss Runaway, you cheeky girl! My surname has an "s" at the end and isn't technically a surname.

The Jules: You think he might be a gay fantasy? Very much a niche fetish, I would have thought.
I too wanted to know if there was any relation between you and Canaan Mr. GB... I assume that's where the "s" makes all the difference.

Mugabe is what we call a "Doos". A "Doos" in Afrikaans is a box, alluding to female genitalia Mr. GB... y'know colloquialisms and all that.

The only reason he hasn't been assassinated yet is because he was in cahoots with the ANC during the Apartheid era and helped people like Mandela, Zuma, Mbeki etc. during that time - so now they feel that they "owe" him and can't stab him in the back. However, the majority of people just want to stab him in the front.

Our press regularly makes fun of Bob Mugabe, cartoonist and journo Zapiro in paritcular, you can see some of his work here:

Some of my favourites:
That's the thing about Mr Mugabe. Always looks on the positive side. Whilst his economy fails. Whilst his people die
But I'd consider keeping a frog for a pet, GB. And now you've put Mugabe's face on it :)
Great post.
2 million bucks for each trip to singapore!

someone should tell him about priceline. maybe shatner's masculinity frightens him.
He'p me! I'm being educated over here!

Seriously. The U.S. news has never mentioned this Mugabe person...

I'm from the US and I'm well aware of who the murdering scum bag is. I believe you to be absolutely correct when you said that he's too demonic to die of natural causes. While I try not to encourage violence, I would like this man to be visited by every single atrocity carried out by his hand or those who carry them out in his name. Hell would be too good for him.
i think the clue with the word Dictator is in the first half of the word

Anyone who is capable of getting into a position of power is the absolute last person you should allow to be there - truer words were never writ
Azra: Thanks for the cartoons, Miss Azra. The "SADC leaders apply pressure" one is hilarious.

Nota Bene: He used to blame the IMF for Zimbabwe's economic troubles. People then said "IMF stands for It's Mugabe's Fault".

Jaya: Frogs are generally cuter than Mugabe...and they can jump higher too!

Billy: I'd love to know what he gets for 2 million bucks. Maybe it's the price of a virgin's blood.

Pearl: He's a small fry in big power politics, but a shark in the small pond he inhabits. His main beef is with Britain rather than the US.

Angie: Well, unfortunately he has a lot of thuggish supporters who believe they own the country.

DFTP: "Dick-tator" is a rather clever pun. You could call the fat ones "Dick-tatas".
Where can I get that shirt he's wearing? Abercrombie and asshole?
Since, as you said, he is too demonic to die of natural causes, then we need to send Buffy (the Vampire Slayer) to whoop his butt. He'd never be the same...and she'd probably send him to some hell dimension.
With the proud Celts Morgan Tsvangirai and Welshman Ncube ranged against him, Mugabe has another ten years ahead of him at least.
i, too, was set upon by gay gangsters.

they redid my makeup and forced me to change my purse, calling it a crime of fashion.

i still wake up screaming.
His soul died decades ago, 'tis time his body caught up with it. Great post GB.
Maybe if someone kisses the frog he'll turn into a handsome charming prince.
Steve Bailey: I think it's from the Bulawayo Bum Boys' Bazaar.

Frisky Virgin: I wouldn't ask Buffy to do anything to his butt, Miss Virgin. I think it's pretty much desensitized by now.

Mr Boyo: It's about time the Welsh pulled their finger out in dealing with megalomaniac tyrants. The ghost of Longshanks must be extinguished once and for all.

Kage: How very bitchy of them. I hope you told them that a fashionable purse is no substitute for boobs.

Shrinky: Thank you, ma'am. I hope his passing will ease his country's pain.

Static: That would have to be some kiss.
Yet Mugabe is telling his followers that he plans to live to 100, by which time he might resemble the skull and crossbones on a pirate flag - I couldn't help laughing out loud at the image my mind created on that one! Love your blog.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin