Monday, July 18, 2011

The Atkins diet

Silly scientists are claiming that we gorillas invented the Atkins diet. On behalf of the gorilla nation, I issue an official denial. The scientists who came up with the idea are a bevy of boobies and a caboodle of clowns. Pour scorn on this nonsense if anyone asks you about it. You can tell them you heard it from the horse’s mouth. 

The Atkins diet was actually invented by lions, who eat nothing but fresh meat garnished with tufts of grass for seasoning and decoration. Actresses copied the diet after noticing that lions never seem to get fat, even after gorging themselves on the equivalent of 67 wildebeest burgers. This may be true, but another consequence of their meat-addiction is chronic halitosis, making it impossible for them to kiss during mating. 

Thus, actresses who followed the Atkins diet maintained slim figures at the expense of getting lion breath. A good many subsequently got divorced because their husbands refused to kiss them and insisted on having sex in the “rodeo” position. Female performers are far too vain to be humped like lionesses, however how bad their breath is. 

My advice to actresses is to forget about dieting. You can’t develop your range if you keep on playing skinny women trying to catch the eye of the leading man. There were times in human history when it was fashionable for women to have some meat on them – consequently, the period drama is a bonanza for chubby actresses. Queen Victoria is the classic role for the small plump woman with a round bottom. Ann of Cleves, affectionately known as “The Mare of Flanders”, is suitable for the more heifer-like figure. In years to come, casting directors will be looking for someone to play Oprah in a biopic. Black women with the bodies of cheerleaders need not apply. 

I shouldn’t leave you with the impression that I have a particular animus against actresses. Male thespians are just as insecure, although less often about their weight. Take George Clooney, for example. He was so worried about what people would think, following his recent break-up with the gorgeous Elisabetta Canalis, that he got one of his flunkies to make a statement on his behalf: 

“I saw them together and I can say their love story was very intense,” said Manuele Malenotti. “You never know in life, and men are having an identity crisis, but I can tell you George is not gay.” 

I find this rather pathetic. Surely no one even imagined Clooney was gay before he started getting paranoid about it. Not being willing or able to settle down with a woman doesn’t necessarily mean you’re hungry for cock. Having said all that, one can’t help wondering about him now that he’s made such a big issue of it. And his use of interlocutors is cowardly and unconvincing. If George Clooney isn’t gay, he should say so himself instead of getting one of his boyfriends to deny it. (For the record, I think that he and Richard Gere would make an attractive couple.) 

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He doth protest too much. And so what if the world thought he was gay? Celebrities with a gay following do very well for themselves. Look at Bette Midler.

And being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. While I prefer the curves of a nice female, if handsome George Clooney wanted to take me to his villa in Italy, I wouldn't object. Maybe there's a little bisexuality in all of us. If Clooney wants to experiment with me, so be it.
It's decided then, I'm off to Hollywood to become an actress. The size of my arse I could probably play two roles at once.

And yeah, you're right GB, this is the first I've heard about George being 'gay' - perhaps he's trying to start a rumour himself. Personally I think he should get it together with LLCoolJ (yup ! gay) in the interests of diversity.

And my filthy mind.
my uncle told me that everyone in hollywood is either gay or jewish. so unless clooney is a jew, he's gay.
i think that photo of george clooney confirms he is gay.
I agree, defensiveness is a sign of culpability. I don't think George is all that, but maybe Gere does - not that there's anything wrong with that.
PS Missed ya and it's good to be back.
Atkins Diet! I know someone who is on it, and she sees carbs as poison. Did tell her about the side effects but she doesnt seem to care. Oh well.
George Clooney and Richard Gere? Well, I guess that's a balanced diet for someone: a slice of beefcake and a side order of cheese.
Wish I had the discipline for Atkins. But after a day or two I start dreaming of bread... warm buttery loaves straight from the oven. My hips don't lie.

Problem with Clooney is he doesn't realise that he could go through every woman on earth, and it still wouldn't fill his emotional voids. He should try some bread though...
Chris V: If you've never done that sort of thing before I'd advise you take plenty of lube with you. Why do you think Clooney's buddy made the statement?

Dirty Cowgirl: So you'd like to watch two men having sex, Ms Cowgirl? It makes sense to me, but I'm not sure many women share your interest.

Billy: Is that so? He should have converted to Judaism instead of denying everything.

Dull Boy: He's very neatly groomed, isn't he? It may be metrosexual rather than gay.

Robyn: Great to have you back, Robyn. Gere might be gay, you say? I just can't keep up with all this gossip.

Jaya: Maybe she likes it rodeo style, Jaya.

Steve: Balanced but not very palatable. How about chewy meatballs and soggy spaghetti?

Azra: I'm glad you gave it up, Miss Azra, it's very unnatural. Maybe George has had too much of a good thing. His latest slogan is "I drank the bong water." I don't think he's into women emotionally.
I'm worried. I like George Clooney films. I may have to tell my girlfriend
I can honestly say that the thought of GC being gay has never crossed my mind.
Until now. :D

Following and supporting, mate! :)
Scientists were also saying today that apes don't go after the females with the largest boobs.

it was a news piece on why we have become so obsessed with boob size.

I'm not really sure wtf apes have to do with the fact that there are too many stay at home millionaire housewives who like to enhance their breasts. but whatevs.
After years of obsessing about how I looked when I smiled I spent a bit of money and got my teeth bonded. When I stopped obsessing about that I found something else to obsess about. Then I got the hell over it.

As to actresses... I preferred Angelina Jolie before she began to look like skeletor. I think Kate Winslet is freaking hot. Katt Dennings is sexy as hell.

I saw a picture of Gerard Butler (me betrothed) coming out of the surf on some beach last year. He was sporting a pretty hefty gut and I still would have offered him my virginity... or at least the box it came in.

George Clooney, is he still around?
Asserting your non-gayness is right up there with firmly stating, unasked, that you have no idea what happened to those cookies...

Usually, your photographs make me aroused, but that meat-eater up there makes me want to *arf*!

Not because I'm gay. Because I'm not. Not that being gay is offensive. I'm just not. Today. I think Angie Uncovered is HAWT! See?
Nota Bene: Don't tell your girlfriend - she might ask you to invite Clooney for a threesome.

MDIAS: Hello and welcome, Mr Sentence. I suppose you'll never see George in the same light now.

Bluntdelivery: Apes are always relevant, Ms BD. Every human has an inner ape. I hope to see yours one day.

Angie: You're dead right about Kate Winslet. If you search this blog you'll find posts lauding her as a prime example of fertile womanhood. If Gerard Butler were a gentleman, he would pay to have your virginity restored.

Pearl: There's actually a blog called 'I'm not gay' written by an Englishman called 'Louche'. I think he's telling the truth, although he's certainly metrosexual.

Fred: Your reaction to the picture is appropriate. Humans don't have the enzymes to digest raw meat, so it would indeed make them sick. We gorillas do have the enzymes, but abstain for ethical reasons.
Are you sure it was a scientist and not a scientologist that made those erroneous claims? Those people will believe ANYTHING.

If I Were God...
an interesting read you have here

eclectic and amusing....I almost forgot to lock my chickens up.....
I've never understood the Atkins diet, and now that I know it gives one lion breath, I will certainly never understand it. GB, don't worry, we'll be sure to blame the lions. ;)

I don't think George Clooney is gay--just a forever bachelor. I'm running into that type more often these days. It's rather discouraging.
You know why they have chronic halitosis although I haven't been really that close to a lion to know if they indeed have bad breath or not...because of Ketosis..they are throwing out ketones...what can kill you if you don't eat that darn brown rice...I'm a nerd what can I say/
none of these diets work - mostly because they are only done and designed to be done for a short period of time and dont do anything to change your long term attitude to food and eating. So great you lose a lot of weight, but at the end of it you come off the diet shakes and still dont know how to cook properly for yourself

As for Clooney - who knows. Just because he's well groomed doesn't prove a thing
is the atkins diet still around? i thought it's popularity rather dwindled after it's creator suffered a massive heart attack...
I am so glad you didn't invent the Atkins diet - wasn't this the same guy who wound up murdered by his mistress? She obviously must've took umbrage to the bad breath thingy.

I'm with Pearl on the "not gay" statement, like as if our curious minds could give a flying banana on either front, eh?
Notgod: I doubt it - Scientologists would have said some alien invented the Atkins diet.

John Gray: Thank you, Mr Gray. Are you a famous philosopher?

Frisky Virgin: You're too sensible to follow the Atkins diet, Miss Virgin. And much too sensible to be Clooney's next woman.

JTILIS: Thanks for the chemistry lesson, Miss. I've heard of ketones, but they always remind me of the Keystone Cops.

DFTP: I agree, there's no substitute for a balanced diet including plenty of fruit, vegetables and insects. Eat like a gorilla and you'll always be in good shape.

Kage: Did he really, Miss Kage? I hope you weren't in his bed at the time.

Shrinky Murdered by his mistress? Miss Kage (above) said he suffered a heart attack. There seems to be an unsolved mystery here, and I'm not talking about Clooney's sexual preferences.
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