Monday, June 06, 2011

Italian meatballs

My old circus chum Mario the Bum-pincher sent me a couple of news stories from his native Italy. 

The first one is about a college student whose mother wouldn’t leave him alone. It seems she was ringing him a hundred times a day and visiting his lodgings without warning. He got her off his back by using the anti-stalking laws to persuade the courts to issue an order against her. She can now only phone him once a day and isn’t allowed to visit without permission. 

I must say I don’t have much sympathy for the lad, who seems like a bit of a sissy. Pursuing litigation because your mother is harassing you is like scratching an itch with a pineapple. He could have easily put Mama in her place by letting her catch him in bed with a girl. When a mollycoddling mother finds a naked woman in her son’s bedroom, she knows the game is up. It doesn’t matter how tasty her ravioli is, she can’t compete with poontang. 

The second story is about a crook who begged to be sent back to prison after serving a term for fraud. He told the police he would rather spend the rest of his days in gaol than live with his nagging wife. You don’t have to be a baboon to smell the buffalo crap in that one. No man chooses to stay in prison because his wife is vexatious. Italy is a big country, with many places for the henpecked husband to obtain refuge. My guess is that the fellow was on chummy terms with the prison governor, visiting his mansion every day to help with the household chores, and shagging his trophy wife on the quiet. Men have done stranger things than incarcerate themselves for totty. 

Anyway, the reason Mario sent me these news reports was to demonstrate that Italian men are frequently tormented by the women in their lives, which places them under abnormal stress. They should therefore be viewed sympathetically, he argued, if they let off steam by groping the buttocks of strange women. When I later phoned him to dissent from this squalid suggestion, he forcefully reiterated his point: 

“Supposing your females bugged you every minute of the day?” he asked pointedly. “You wouldn’t go out and squeeze some nice-looking ass?” 

“Mario,” I said gravely, “my females could pester me until the parrots stopped squawking and I still wouldn’t go around pinching bottoms without permission. People do such things because they are dissolute and incorrigible, not because they are driven to it by events in their lives.” 

“Hey, whaddya judging me for?” asked Mario indignantly. “Are you a priest now?” 

I told Mario that although I had not taken the holy orders, many rank-and-file Catholics wished they had a pastor like me. 

"They know a gorilla is supremely qualified to scare off the kiddy-fiddlers and kick the Devil’s arse," I explained.

“Haha!” laughed Mario. “Why doncha pinch the Devil’s ass instead?” 

“Because I’m not Italian, Mario,” I replied. 

That shut him up.

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I don't understand those Italian men, GB. I thought they like to be overly involved with their moms.
How outrageous that a guy would beg to go back to jail. I guess some (other) women can really be annoying to live with.
Sure the crook wasn't on chummy terms with the prison governor period?
Mr. GB, with the number of desperate women around surely Mario can find someone who'd permit him to grab her derrière...

And if he's having such a hard time finding a bonny lass, he should just go to Cape Town. There are some areas where all you need is to drive a BMW & they'll come out of their caves, circling like vultures with their boobs propped and voodoo dolls on hand.
i met mario-the-bum pincher once. but it wasn't my bum he tried to pinch.

silly italians.
There’s something about Italian women that can drive a man to madness though; be it mother or wife. And I’m half Italian so I’m allowed to say that… I think.

Have you heard of the story in Florida where the creepy dad was hard core stalking his daughter? It’s insane.
I think there are many reasons why a gentleman may decide to return to jail—perhaps he left behind a love, or missed the exceptional cuisine. His wife could be a prude and horrid crook. More detail in the article would have been lovely.

As for the young sir who decided his mom too bothersome--I wonder if the overbearing mother would indeed be dissuaded by catching her son in the midst of coital? There is the possibility it would only entice the mothers overprotective ways... She may even decide to ensure he is wearing appropriate protection.

Sometimes I pinch bums as well, Mr. Bananas. Not for the stress relief, just to see what they feel like.
I'm not generalizing but the few Italian men I used to know here were already groping more than just arses of strange women without any at home to bug them.
Here in Minneapolis and without the benefit of travel, I have, so far, been Italian-male free.

I don't think I'd care for having my ass grabbed.

Robyn: I guess it was too much of a good thing, Robyn. And the henpecked husband must have been carrying out some kind of hoax.

Steve: You mean on bum-chummy terms? Anything's possible, I suppose.

Azra: It's not a girlfriend he's after, Miss Azra, but a grope without strings. He wants to get something for nothing.

Kage: Maybe it's time to invest in a metal bra, Ms Kage. Or did he pinch you somewhere else?

Scott: I've heard Italian women are relentless talkers, but they must have compensating qualities. Aren't they good in bed?

Emma: What a liberal view you have about the breadth of maternal care, Emma. I hope no one has taken exception to having his/her bum pinched by you. I'm sure you are worthy of that indulgence.

Jaya: They were pushing their luck doing it in your country, Jaya. Did they escape all retribution?

Pearl: Quite so, Pearl. I should imagine it would be an unsettling experience for the most robust of women.
what sort of a man is that crook? why didn't he just stand up to his wife???

......hang on, i can hear someone yelling....

.....(sorry gb, i have to go, the wife's calling)

....coming dear
Sadly GB, most women who knew the Italians I used to know here fell for their charms. Like 'perhaps i can come over this weekend, cook for you my mama's nasty ravioli' .
he should move to malaysia rather than go back to jail. the obedient wife club should fix his troubles.

of course he'll have to give up pork and pray a lot.
It's a parent's job to be protective. Better to have caring parents than ones who don't give a darn. Always find the bright side, right? ;)

As for the guy who wanted to go back to jail...she should let him go. Clearly, there is something there he, um, misses. Besides, he's a crook, as you say, so some level of nitpicking is probably warranted. It's not like he's been a saint. :/
Although I can't condone domestic violence, I can't help feeling that Ezio Ferri should have smacked his wife in the mouth, if she complained he'd be back in the slammer, or it might have been the impulse she needed to keep her gob shut in future.
Dull boy: It sounds as if you live in a petticoat dictatorship. I hope it's a benign one.

Jaya: Yes, women love a man who will cook for them. Did you get any recipes from you Italian friends, Jaya?

Billy: Maybe he should contact the club and ask them to send him a mail-order bride.

Frisky virgin: I agree the crook should be allowed back to gaol, but you can't trust his motives. He must be up to something.

Gresham: No man should ever smack an Italian woman. Her brother might be in the Mafia. Don't forget what Sonny Corleone did to his brother-in-law.
They never made it to the house, so no recipes :)
That guy in the pic has a firm grip upon a butt steak! Hope he had permission.

I didn't know gorillas were such refined animals! Cheers!
Jaya: I'm sure you were wise to keep them at arm's length.

Dr Ken: We're not exactly refined, but we like to play with a straight bat.
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