Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The idealism of youth

I’ve just found out about a wonderful charity that campaigns against deforestation. It was set up by young Norwegians and it’s called ‘Fuck for Forest’ (FFF). Their method of raising funds is to have sex in public and collect donations from sponsors and voyeurs. 

These young people are truly the best of their generation. Never before have humans held orgies to ensure that we apes will still have trees to climb. Fans of pornography should also rejoice. They will now be able to watch porn with a clean conscience, knowing that their cash is going to a worthy cause rather than lining the pockets of a dirty old reptile like Hef. They will also have the privilege of seeing fresh-faced amateurs in action, rather than over-milked studs with over-sized meat poles penetrating over-used females with vaginas like buckets. 

It amazes me that not everyone approves of this bold and big-hearted venture. Apparently, the mainstream conservation charities have refused to accept donations from FFF. Mr Horsten Torsten, chairman of the Norwegian chapter of the Rainforest Foundation Fund, made the following statement about them: 

“These silly people just want to have parties and fuck. Those who care about rainforests should contribute directly to us. We will not accept money from the pockets of masturbators and other perverts. Besides, the girls have not shaved their pussies, which doesn’t work in the porn industry except in Japan. Everyone knows that.” 

Mr Torsten should go and shave a reindeer’s pussy. If his stupid organisation doesn’t want to take their money, they should give it directly to field workers like me. I would happily set up a Congo office for FFF, using their cash to protect our beloved forest. Although there aren’t any logging companies in our vicinity, the trees face many threats: termites who chew them; parrots who peck them; monkeys who piss from great heights on them, showing an utter lack of respect. With a moderate amount of funding, I could settle their hash once and for all. 

I shouldn’t leave you with the impression that Norway is the only country where humans agitate for the welfare of their hairy cousins. For many years, we gorillas have had a relationship of mutual empathy with the people of Wales. Their most famous son, Tom Jones, is an honorary gorilla of the highest standing, and a purveyor of music which can bring our females into season. 

I’m glad to say that this tradition of succouring apes is alive and well in Wales. A 21-year-old student of Cardiff University has recently camped in a zoo to raise money for an ape charity. He hung out on Gorilla Island so that visitors would notice the many similarities between humans and us, such as our method of scratching itches. 

My females were so touched to hear of Master Lewis Rowland’s sojourn in Paignton Zoo that they are pestering me to invite him to the Congo. It seems they want to smother him with their own effusive brand of jungle hospitality. I’ll have to make discreet inquiries about his sex life first – it wouldn’t be right for a human lad to lose his virginity to a gang of rampaging female apes.


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Sounds to me like Mr Horsten Torsten needs a damn good birching...
"Save the Trees" has a whole new meaning does "Environmental Safety" and "Recycle."
wow. good times.
I'll always been interested in conservation and ecology, for a long time I have felt that the average human needs to do more then use the recycle bin and buy the big issue.

So where do I sign up ?
*I've....apologies for typo but am a bit distracted - mentally packing my suitcase. Dunno why. All I'm gonna need is a toothbrush and some condoms.
Brings new meaning to the term "tree hugger"
gb, you never cease to come up with truly amazing facts....

the fff look like a bunch of conservationist morons to me.

(in fact, i have campaigned heavily with the wife for bush removal)
It's funny that Mr Torsten should make comments about the unshaven girls. Really out-of-line for a conservationist!
Steve: Do you think he would enjoy it?

Frisky Virgin: They want to save the trees to have sex in them, Miss Virgin! I'm sure you'll be too sensible to attempt crazy stunts like that.

Stacie: They seem to be having fun, but I wonder what's going on behind the bushes.

Dirty Cowgirl: They might ask you to audition first, Ms Cowgirl. Do you thing you could have sex in a tree without falling out of it?

The Wolf: Tree shagger might be a better description of them.

Dull boy: Did you have a look at the website? Their English isn't good, but don't forget they're Norwegian. You may have to offer your wife something in return for depilating her gusset.

Jaya: You're right there, Jaya! He should take remedial classes in bush preservation.
Oh dear god.
Where do you get this stuff from?
So what is this, like organic porn? I'm quite speechless Mr. GB. I like Tom Jones though.
well, it would certainly make the Ramblers Association a more interesting group to join.

And how would Ordinance Survey mark it on the maps?

Think i might give direct to the main charities though.
i never met a forest i didn't like.

bring on the sirens to titan!
Why not? It's all in fun and in the name of charity. Not that I would watch. I'd rather participate to help a good cause. Not really, but there are worse ways to raise money.
Maybe Mr. Torsten is upset that he wasn't invited to the orgy--that's something that would disgruntle me and is just bad manners.
Vice Versa: I didn't have to delve too deeply, Miss VV. Many remarkable things go on under our noses.

Azra: They call it "eco-porn", Miss Azra. It means they do it outdoors and use biodegradable condoms.

DFTP: I don't believe they use fixed locations. You never know where they might pop up during a ramble.

Billy: I'm a fan of the forest myself, Billy, although I'm not that keen on the ones with prickly bushes.

Robyn: Maybe you could help them with their website, Robyn. Their English isn't great and their description lack poetry.

Emma: I'll make sure you're on the guest list if I ever throw an orgy, Emma. You will remain gruntled for as long as I can manage.
You've quickly become my favorite gorilla, Mr. Bananas.
Yes I've read that it's called eco-porn, I was just wondering how "organic" it may be for visual consumption... judging from your first pic, it kinda looks like it's akin to watching Rhinos hump each other in the Wild. There's a reason I don't like the Kruger National Park Mr. GB.
GB I'm sure our zoo can offer the Welsh boy some bananas as well should his journey require it.
Eye-openning first look for me at your blog, GB. I did not expect to see a naked woman being taken from behind. Glad my boss isn't in yet!

Refreshingly odd news item here. Intriguing enough to make me read a few of the others on the page. Suspiciously dextrous with human verbage for a Silverback (I'm guessing) must be good with the opposables. Could you be the missing link Darwin was going on about? Wish I dropped by before now.
I think this could catch on across all areas of fund-raising. Who wouldn't pay to watch the vicar siring his wife or his mistress across the altar in the name of the church roof repair fund? The tombola has had a good run, but now it's time to think inside the box, so to speak. Instead of running 10k for cancer research, you could shag for marathon periods of time - the longer you hold on to your load, the more your sponsors pay. The more I think about it, the more amazed I am that no one's thought of ethical porn before.
Emma: Thank you, dear Emma, I am touched to be closer to your heart than any of my hairy rivals.

Azra: Nothing humans do is organic in a gorilla's eyes, Miss Azra, but I'd rather watch them copulate than rhinos. The coupling of heavy beasts with horns is an accident waiting to happen.

Bananasfk: That's good to hear, Ms Bfk. I'm sure he'd be safer in your hands than with my females.

IIWG: Hello and welcome, my hairless friend. We gorillas revere Mr Darwin as the great father of primate brotherhood. This missing links are all extinct, alas.

Indie Pop: It's a good idea, but don't get carried away. Watching the vicar and his wife do it might scare people more than the green vomit scene in The Exorcist.
Who would pay to watch a group of vegans fucking?

Subjecting the forest to that kind of monstrosity is probably what contributed to the problem in the first place.

The trees were begging urban planners to put them out of their misery.
I don't know about ya'll but I think the poor girl is almost extinct.
Save the Fuckers...Forget the Forest...I've missed you!
Bschooled: You might be on to something. Trees can be pretty ungrateful, as we gorillas know. I've never been thanked for watering their roots.

Martyrmon: Welcome back, Martyrmon! Maybe what that girl needs is some of your home cooking!
We modern-day Norwegians are eager to make sacrifices for a good cause. We are trying to make amends for all that raping and pillaging back in the good old days. Although, I must say that the female in your photo looks like she is sacrificing more than the male.
Maybe she is, Madam Z, but neither of them seem to be enjoying it much. Sex is no fun when you have to concentrate on getting everything in the right place.
My kinda Scandinavians! Do they do it IN trees as well.
P.S. What do I have to do to become an honorary Silverback?
You've got to discover your inner ape, m'lud. Tom Jones is a great example of one who has.
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