Friday, June 10, 2011

Cat noises

An Australian senator has been forced to apologise for meowing at the country’s lesbian finance minister. It’s not clear whether he was mocking her gender or her sexual orientation. Whichever is true, there’s no reason for women to get huffy about being likened to cats, which are rather attractive creatures in spite of their airs and general moodiness. It’s better to be an animal that people stroke than one which they ride or milk. 

I wouldn’t like to be in the minister’s shoes now that she’s revealed the chink in her armour. Australia is a nation renowned for its uncouth and vulgar jesters. If any of these pranksters see her in a restaurant, they won’t hesitate to put a saucer of milk on her table. Whenever she appears in public, she’ll have to listen to larrikins making pussy-pussy noises or telling her to lick her whiskers. She may as well wear a Catwoman costume to pre-empt all the jibes she’s going to face. 

I used to laugh my head off when people tried to make animal noises in the circus. Most humans are only any good at mimicking dogs and pigs. The English aristocracy are not too bad at horses. Only men with very deep voices are capable of sounding like a gorilla. Tom Jones is one, and Davy Attenborough managed to imitate some of our grunts after soaking his scrotum in rum. I remember a pie-faced fellow trying to impress me with “Ook! Ook!” noises after watching me perform in the ring. He was hopeless. 

“You sound like a castrated baboon!” I jeered. “You’d better get some hormones injected if you want to impress a female gorilla!” 

In spite of rubbishing his performance, I didn’t mind the fellow having a go. Humans are perfectly entitled to express their inner ape in front of a real one. They might not get the approval they yearn for, but there’s no harm in trying. 

When all is said and done, I salute Australia for putting a carpet-munching Sheila in charge of its financial affairs. Where are the gay women in high offices of state in America? Conspicuous by their absence if the rumours about Hilldog are false, which I certainly believe them to be. 

The most eminent lesbian in America is Ellen Degeneres, who recently invited a beefy black man onto her show. It seems he became a pin-up for American women after exposing his hunky torso on an aftershave commercial. To please her mainly female audience, Ellen encouraged him to remove his shirt to wild acclaim. 

If President Obama is re-elected next year, he ought to consider appointing Ms Degeneres to his cabinet. A woman of her populist instincts could keep him in touch with the voters and give him sound advice on when to bare his chest. She could also accompany Mrs Clinton on her overseas trips, ironing her panty girdle and licking her into shape before her encounters with foreign statesmen. Any tomcat who dares to meow at Hilldog will be paying a visit to the vet.

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Meowing is so 1998.

Now it's all about mimicking the high-pitched trilling noise of pygmy marmosets.
I hadn't heard about this meowing. But I'd pay a good deal of coin to watch Ellen licking Hilldog into shape before a big conference. And I'll bet I'm not the only one.
you gotta love it....this 're-ow' thing was front page news for days and yet buried deep inside the papers was coverage of the fact that we trying to come up with some workable policies/solutions to our pollution & resources problems.

(by the way, in an another outrageous incident last year, a west australian politician was forced to resign after being caught sniffing the chair of a female colleague.....what a fool, - you have to be very careful when you do that)
if i was a woman i'd be a lesbian too. the thought of sleeping with a man doesn't do much for me.
Meowing is anytime more graceful than mooing, barking or trumpeting. (Unless of course, when a cat is on heat - a throaty meow is funereal and annoying). You have a point there, GB.

Oh, Ms. Degeneres. She'd make me blush, I think.
I agree, Ellen could give some good pointers. I read that Hilldog is thinking of stepping down, though. WTH!? Maybe Obama will consider Ellen. That would do this country some good.
I'd be happy to cover myself in catnip and listen to both of them purr.
I think i can mimic chicken noises and little monkey noises pretty convincingly.

Ellen is awesome.
Bschooled: That's a mating call which could bring a mobile phone into heat.

Tennyson: Maybe we'll be able to see it on a pay-per-view channel when Hilldog retires from public life to make a few bucks.

Dull boy: Doesn't that imply he liked her smell? What is the world coming to when a man can't compliment a woman.

Billy: It's a common male fantasy. What would you do if the butch girls chased you?

Jaya: If Ms Degeneres saw you blush, Jaya, I think she might fall in love. So you'd better hide your face unless you're bi-curious!

Robyn: I'd be very disappointed if Hilldog stepped down. Not even Ellen could fill her panty girdle.

Steve: I assume you're talking about Ellen and Hillary rather than the Aussie duo. I think they would sniff and sneeze rather than purr.

Vice Versa: I won't believe your chicken noises are any good until you've tried them out on a rooster. And the little monkeys you heard were probably trying to mimic humans.
So Mr. GB, how do your females react when you strip down and thump out your chest? I'm sure they're just as loud and randy as Ellen's audience :)
Mrs Pop often says that I do a pretty good impression of an ass.
I agree, Mr. Bananas. I quite enjoy being stoked like a kitten--sometimes I even purr.
I meowed at my cat today. She looked at me like I was an idiot.
It's an endless source of wonder to me how the Australian species evolve in parallel to our own. Lesbians here go into the media and academia, not to mention car maintenance. Down there they run the country in tandem - perhaps literally - with Welshwomen. Marvellous. If we did that we'd have Sue Perkins and Charlotte Church in charge, instead melty-faced poshboys.
Judging by my experiences with the rugby ladies, that finance minister is a poor excuse for a lesbian. She should have tackled the senator to the ground and twisted his testicles until he screamed like a monkey. And perhaps made him impersonate as many animals as he could until he passed out from exhaustion.
Azra: That's nice of you to say, Miss Azra, but female gorillas aren't that easy to impress. They also like their mates to have a thick coat of fur, so stripping down might be counterproductive.

Indie Pop: Is that because of the noises you make or the way you comb your hair?

Emma: That's lovely, Emma. Do you also chase little balls?

Missed Periods: Cats can be very supercilious. Perhaps you should have barked at her instead.

Mr Boyo: It must be the outdoor life they lead. Women who've experienced the bush find it easier to peform in male-dominated arenas.

Number 11: Have you heard of Australian Rules, Anna? It's a less regulated form of rugby they play Down Under. What you propose might be legal if the senator were trying to score a field goal.
When it suits my fancy. Tell me, Mr. Banana's, do gorillas enjoy a good petting?
better yet, ellen for president.

i'm wearing some of her boxer briefs at the moment.
I could watch British lawmakers for hours. I love their back and forth.
Emma: We do indeed Emma, but only from those who have already groomed us. You have to get the first base with gorillas.

Bluntdelivery: I hope they're comfortable. What kind of insignia is on them?

Fred: British lawmakers are tame compared with their Australian counterparts. Insulting your opponents is a blood sport over there.
I've always wanted to wear the Catwoman costume...and I personally like to make a meow sound (not the catty/snarky kind though. ;)
Be careful of the tomcats, Miss Virgin!
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