Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Secrets of women

I’m back in the Congo after an unusually pleasant flight. For once, the stewardess didn’t give me a funny look when I used the hot towel to dampen the soles of my feet. The other passengers in first class, who were diplomats and ministers, knew better than to complain about my creative use of the toiletries. An aluminium tube 30,000 feet above sea level is the wrong place for an argument with a gorilla. 

What really made the time fly was the book I was reading, a translation of De Secretis Mulierum, an ancient guidebook on the human female. It was written by Albertus “Catweazle” Magnus, a medieval theologian with unusually progressive views about women for his time, only advocating their torture in extreme cases of witchcraft or hen-pecking. The main thrust of his argument was that women should be shunned, especially when menstruating, when they emitted “evil humours” capable of killing a goat at ten paces. 

The chapter of the book I found most fascinating describes a foolproof test for female virginity, no doubt perfected after months of clinical trials. According to Doctor Magnus, a woman whose purity is in doubt should be forced to sniff a lettuce. If her flesh has been corrupted by man (or some other agent of defilement), she will then pass water. It was state-of-the-art science in its day, although one has to pity the innocent maids who gave false positives because they’d drunk a flagon of prune juice before inhaling the salad fumes. 

The only modern equivalent of this virginity test I’ve heard of is the one proposed by Vladimir Rakovsky, a Russian psychologist who runs a charm school in Moscow. According to Rakovsky, you can find out everything you need to know about a woman by watching her eat a carrot. If she blushes and nibbles, she’s a virgin; if she chews like a horse, she’s a fishwife; if she sucks before biting, she’s slept with every member of the village council. He didn’t say what kind of woman would refuse to eat the carrot. A lesbian or a prick-teaser, perhaps? In all honesty, the test sounds as if was devised by someone who spent his youth peeping at hefty farm girls during their lunch break. 

Fortunately, we now live in an enlightened age when no man of substance cares whether the woman he courts is a virgin. Take Charlie Sheen, for example. I bet he never even bothered to ask Bree Olson whether she was a virgin before inviting her to join the harem in his kingsize bed. Miss Olson, for her part, has not given any indication of feeling ashamed that Charlie was not her first lover. Indeed, her self-esteem was so undiminished that she callously dumped him by text message. 

Good for both of them, is what I say. Charlie deserves credit for believing that a woman with a past is still worthy of his cocaine-snorting lechery. And Bree deserves credit for not clinging to Charlie out of fear that no other man could afford her. I like it when famous humans set a good example for their fans.

Labels: , , , , ,

thanks for the excellent information mr bananas.

i'll be giving my daughter the lettuce test this evening and i use a carrot to verify the results.
The carrot test troubles me greatly.

Does this mean that Bugs Bunny was gay?
now i feel like taking the lettuce test just for the heck of it !
on another note, it's sad to know that people were SO anal about women's virginity that they had to come up with such sad tests.
in some communities, it's still an issue till today i suppose. sad.
Thanks for this. Explains why lettuce and carrot has been banned in Essex for centuries
Well Ann Widdecombe would still pass that lettuce test.
Back in the days before my ancient ovaries gave up on me I could've killed an elephant with a look for a week either side of a period so he might have a point there.

Anyways gotta go I have a carrot stuck in my throat.
I didn't know lettuce has a scent. (Proof of my innocence).

As for Charlie, I heard his Torpedo Tour bombed. But he'll always come out on top (pun intended).

I can think of so many more interesting uses for a carrot.

Also, what of the woman who first dips in a jar of peanut butter and then consumes in great, probably-too-big-for-polite-society, mouthfulls?

Er...just as an example.

You know.


Now, I will be self-conscious when eating vegetables. ;)

Ah, yes, Charlie, who has given all new meaning to the term "goddess." In his world, apparently, you are only a goddess if you're a porn star??
I've gotta ask, what's with dampening the soles of your feet on that flight?
Lettuce? Who knew...

In some communities and societies, Mr GB, it's still necessary to take care of ones virtue - some women don't want to be disrespected or treated like trash and flogged in the streets innit. It's just the way it is I suppose. And maybe there's some method to the madness... after all Oxytycin is like bad Karma, only much much worse.
Billy: Don't be too disappointed if she fails the test, Billy. Modern girls don't respond to vegetables in the same way as medieval wenches.

Steve: Bugs Bunny was the gayest rabbit in Toonland. Don't you remember the way he kissed Elmer Fudd? They were wet kisses too.

Jaya: I quite agree, Jaya. I suggest you keep a chamber pot near you during the lettuce test. One must be prepared for all outcomes.

Note Bene: Are there any virgins in Essex above the age of 15?

Bananasfk: I very much hope she would, Ms B. The thought of Miss Widdecombe forcing her attentions on a man gives me palpitations.

Dirtycowgirl: I'm glad to hear you are no longer such a danger to wildlife, Ms Cowgirl. Good luck with the carrot - I suggest you chew a little more before swallowing next time.

Robyn: Lettuce fumes are almost odourless, Robyn. I heard that Charlie's stage act was a flop. Like you, I'm confident that he'll bounce back with vigour.

Barreness: Are there really women who do that, Ms Barreness? I would guess they must be raging nymphomaniacs.

Frisky Virgin: I'm sure you will continue to devour them in a ladylike fashion, Miss Virgin. Charlie does call his bedmates "goddesses", but I doubt he actually worships them. It's probably just a courtesy title.

BodaciousB: I like to wet my feet before rubbing my face with them. It's an old gorilla trick.

Azra: I see your point, Miss Azra. For some women, abstaining from sex might be the only way of stopping their hormones from running wild. But flogging a woman in the street without her consent would be a heinous act.
i have often see women sniffing lettuce's in i know why when wife goes to the toilet in a shopping centre she is gone for ages, - the queue must be huge.
I just wonder what the head of lettuce and the carrots that were found in Charlie Sheens hotel room after a night of purported rompus. ..

Perhaps he found another use for them?
Thanks for turning your test in and giving it a try. Your extra credit words are impressive. Of course I didn't cheat. I spent hours conjuring up that test based on my vast array of choco-knowledge inhabiting my brain cells. ;0) xo
You are quite correct regarding Bugs and Elmer. I am now having to re-assess my memories of them. Clearly Elmer was an Uncle Monty character and Bugs was just promiscuous. I seem to recall him wet kissing a lot of characters - Yosemite Sam, Sylvester and that weird alien creature with the Centurian's helmet. I'm trying not to read too much into that the latter.
We Welsh, as worshippers of the Earth goddess Afallon, deem it sacrilegeous to defile Her sanctity by eating such fruits of the soil as lettuce and carrots.

Having said that, virginity isn't something that's been registered in our humming valleys since the Methodists were driven out.
How do you not have your own cable show on the Women's Network?

Or, Animal Planet, at least?
Do you think it was the lettuce that made those women piss themselves or the men standing behind them sharpening their swords and other weapons of torture?
Dull boy: Maybe you should offer to sniff it for her. She must know she isn't a virgin by now.

Greg: Who knows? Maybe Charlie is eating rabbit food in the hope it will boost his rate of copulation.

Robyn: You're welcome, Robyn. I found the questions intriguing in spite of my ignorance.

Steve: To be fair to Bugs, I think he swung both ways. There was definitely a cartoon in which he offered himself to Lauren Bacall on a plate.

Mr Boyo: What about leeks then? I reckon that vegetable has a lot of answer for in relation to the promiscuity of Welsh women. All of it praise.

Bschooled: Maybe because my material requires a new channel to host it. 'Secrets of the Jungle' would be good name.

Rubbish: That's a good point. There are so many reasons for a woman to urinate that you can never be sure of anything.
Hmmmmmmmm.....interesting blog ya have here
I wonder if the carrot test could be used at bars to see what you're getting into.
You would think most men the older they get would prefer a woman who knows a thing or two. You want a girl who knows how to nibble that carrot.
Jayne: Thank ya, Jane!

The Wolf: There's nothing to stop you from offering a carrot to a woman in bar. Why don't you try it and report back?

Chris V: You would think so, but it seems a lot of men don't want their wives to know any bedroom tricks. That's what they go to prostitutes for.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin