Monday, May 09, 2011

Scarlett's phantom pregnancy

Scarlett Johansson has denied that she’s carrying Sean Penn’s baby and I, for one, believe her. The bulge in her belly could have many innocent explanations, such as a bout of dropsy or too many side orders of potato wedges. She might even be hiding a gopher beneath her sweater like a mommy kangaroo. Most actresses go through a sentimental phase about animals. We gorillas will always remember the visit of Daryl Hannah, who approached our hairy community like a girl in search of a piggy-back ride. A kindly female patted her on the head and gave her some roots to chew. 

There’s another reason why Scarlett is unlikely to be pregnant – I seriously doubt whether The Pennster’s man-seed is up to the job. Actors who’ve led dissolute, drug-taking lives often end up with lackadaisical sperm that chase their own tails rather than making a beeline for the nearest egg. The couple must have had carnal relations, of course. A woman doesn’t shack up with one of Hollywood’s leading men unless she’s ready and willing to spread her legs for him. Refusing to oblige would have certainly provoked a huge tantrum from Penn, possibly culminating in Mel Gibson-like threats to burn the house down. 

One thing that doesn’t surprise me is Scarlett taking to an older man. Those of you who’ve seen the film Lost in Translation will know what I’m talking about. In that movie, she plays a bewildered young woman who wanders around Tokyo looking for someone to talk to. Amid the unsettling hordes of inscrutable Japanese, she finds an American man played by Bill Murray, who soothes her troubled soul with his mellow reflections. It was obvious, even then, that Scarlet hankered after a craggy-faced Daddy figure who would tell her bedtime stories while balancing her on his knee. You may say that she was only acting, but A-list thespians habitually draw on their own emotions to make their performances convincing. 

Speaking of older men, the relentless hounding of Silvio Berlusconi is beginning to get on my nerves. The latest accusation against him is that he encouraged a pair of party girls to make love to a statue of the god Priapus, whose broken todger he had previously repaired. Is this supposed to be a crime? What would be the point of restoring a statue’s manhood if you didn’t intend to help it use its new equipment? If a man is prosecuted for being a pimp to a restored work of art, the emasculated sculptures of the world will remain forever dickless. 

The allegation I utterly refuse to believe is that Berlusconi has had sexual congress with multiple high-class harlots in his “bunga-bunga” parties. Aside from the fact that “bunga-bunga” means “masturbation” in the Congo, the statue incident proves beyond doubt that he prefers watching to participating. A wily old goat like Silvio knows better than to endanger his health by allowing whores to milk his waning gonads. When a man gets to his age, vicarious titillation is a safer option than the real McCoy.

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It never occurred to me that ancient statues were just marble sybians, but that makes sense. Art is designed to titillate and entice, which is why pornography is enjoyed even by the uncouth and unsophisticated.

I do take umbrage that anyone seeing dear Scarlett thinks she is pregnant. Unfortunately, some of these people may be looking at pornography exclusively and turning a blind eye to all of the wonderful women around them, women with shapely features and perhaps a little paunch to show they are healthy.

She just needs to stop it from becoming a beer gut.
Bunga bunga means masturbation? In business dodgy activity is often glossed over by throwing somebody a bung... is there any connection? I bet Berlusconi has been bunged out of many establishments in his time, dodgy business or not.
poor silvio, why is he copping it all the time? what has he ever done wrong?
have you watched aliens recently?

someone should tell sean to run for the hills.
Hollywood such a silly place
I'm sure you are right, GB. However, as a woman with a belly in defense of an undeserving other, it looks like she could have a fanny pack under her shirt. ? No? Just giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Chris: Yes, it must be quite distressing for a woman to be falsely accused of being pregnant. I suppose she could avoid that problem by living with a marble statue instead of Penn.

Steve: You can't assume English and Congolese words have similar meanings just because they look the same. The English tongue can remove the sexiness from most things.

Dull boy: I don't know why he gets such a bad press. Are people jealous of him?

Billy: You think she might have a deadly parasite? What a terrible blow that would be to the entertainment industry.

The Wolf: It is indeed. Do you think Steven Segal is more or less silly than Penn?

Robyn: You could be right, Robyn, although I should point out that "fanny" means "front bottom" in England. Have you heard of Fanny Cradock?
I'm not going near any Henry Moore statues now. Just in case I sit on the wrong bit and have a minor thrill.
How old is Berlusconi anyway?

I'm not a huge Scarlett fan Mr. GB, and she looks like she's been on an all carb diet, but I can relate. As for her fascination with an older man... I can relate too.

There's this slight misconception that an older man knows what he wants Mr. GB. And of course this is not entirely true because most men at any age never know what they want; but for a mature woman who would rather watch paint dry then play insipid competitive gender games, that can be very alluring.

With most older men besides your friend Berlusconi and Jack Nicholson, there's mental stimulation as well as a kind of stability and emotional security that most women crave. And then there is always that age gap which can be very sexy and the dominant / submissive roles that keeps things entertaining.
I love both Penn and Berlusconi just that much more after this titillating post. Penn, because like a good partner, he’s sees a problem and attempts to correct it by making his girl jog with him, and Silvio, because he’s such a God damned Rock Star.
She looks pregnant for sure, but I can't say for sure if it's Sean's Penn did the damage. However, I will say that he looks quite fit for his age, but not nearly good enough to be dating her.

What do you think as a gorilla? Is it fair to be filming these people everywhere they go? Is that kind of like when Wild Kingdom gets all up in your business?
So THAT'S why he started reading my stuff.
I think you're right GB, one too many plates of wedges and sour cream.
oh sweet gorilla... I don't believe Scarlett is with child either. Can't a girl have a tummy? Apparently not in hollywood. Anyway, these bunga parties of yours sound interesting. As the mistress I'm going to have to do some in-depth research sometime soon. xo
Madam Defarge: You should allow yourself the occasional minor thrill, Madame D. Your reputation will not be besmirched if the pleasure doesn't show on your face.

Azra: Silvio is in his 70s, Miss Azra. I agree with you about Jack Nicholson, he's a saucy old devil! The gender games he plays surely wouldn't be insipid!

Scott: You're a very generous man, Scott. I originally thought Penn looked like a doofus, but you've convinced me he has hidden depths.

Dr Ken: I think even actors are entitled to a private life, but they can't expect to be ignored when they're in a public place. As for gorillas, humans have been hung upside down for snapping us without our permission.

Barreness: I keep telling you to try Italian men, Ms Barreness.

Tenneyson: Let's hope she works it off before her next film role.

Auri: Hello, dearest Auri, how lovely to hear from you after all this time! Your diagnosis on Scarlet is the authoritative one given your profession. I haven't been to a bunga party myself - maybe I'd get invited if they needed a chaperone.
Scarlett has always been a curvy girl, hasn't she? It's so sad how someone sees a pic of a celebrity with some curves and automatically goes to the "she must be pregnant" explanation. Dang.

If she is, I hope they are happy, despite it seeming like such an unlikely match.
Gorilla, You're assuming they didn't use artificial means.
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