Saturday, May 14, 2011

Literature appreciation

A correspondent draws my attention to a new stage production in which passages from great works of literature are read to the audience. To ensure customers get full value for the 20-dollar admission price, the reading is done by naked women who wouldn’t look out of place in the Playboy mansion. Those who can’t get hold of a ticket can buy a video recording for 19 dollars or an audio recording for 99 cents. 

On watching a trailer for the event, I was shocked to discover that the girls aren’t actually very good at reading. Some of them can barely pant out the words without tripping over their tongues. Heaven knows how they get away with fobbing off the audience with such amateurish performances. I certainly wouldn’t let them read me a bedtime story until they’d been properly trained in oral exposition. 

Perhaps the featured works are too advanced for their reading skills. Had I been directing the show, I would have made them read excerpts from children’s classics such as Puss in Boots, James and the Giant Peach and The Tale of Mrs Tittlemouse. These innocent fables would also avoid straining the brains of the audience, which are presumably more accustomed to processing visual data. The unlettered masses should feel their way into literature rather than jumping off at the deep end. 

The show wouldn’t be my cup of cocoa whatever the nature of the reading material. When I pay 20 dollars for a seat at the theatre, I like to see action as well as dialogue. The only kinetic activity in ‘Naked Girls Reading’ is the flapping of lips, the wagging of tongues and the fingering of pages. The girls should be utilising the rest of their bodies to justify the admission price. 

‘Naked Girls Singing’ would be an improvement, assuming it produced more activity in the chest region. ‘Naked Girls Playing Ping Pong’ would be better still, involving plenty of agitation in all areas of the anatomy. When I asked the manager of the safari camp what he’d like to see, he unfocused his eyes and went into a trance for a minute: 

“Naked girls sucking ice lollies and removing the sticky juices that dribble onto their bodies by licking each other,” he said eventually. 

I told him that a title of that length would never work and I had reservations about the content as well. Women are not cats, and making them lick each other would merely replace one kind of sticky fluid with another. Using moisturising wipes would be a more hygienic option under theatre lights. 

On the subject of health and safety, I have deliberately not opined on whether it’s appropriate for women to perform in the nude. The naturists believe it tones the skin and allows the pores to breathe, but they are not an impartial source. All I will say is that I wouldn’t let them do it in jungle. Not without first rubbing them from head to toe with insect-repellent, anyway.

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I love your references to children's classics, GB. I never thought of James and The Giant Peach so inappropriately. Puss in Boots, sure, but not James.
after seeing the girl with the lolly i wouldn't pay 20 cents to see the group at the top.
The Vagina Monologue read naked would be nice. But not at a playboy mansion by a girl who cant read or appreciate much of what she's reading to an audience that's pretty much like her. Maybe at an artsy local performing arts centre, where there are ppl who'd appreciate both skin and text.
Yes, please, to all four girls in that photo (including the slender one with the awful hair).

The problem with pretty girls (and boys), however, is that most of them are stupid. The gorgeous never have to work hard to build themselves into something formidable, instead relying on other people giving them whatever they need because they have such good lucks. If I was handsome, I would only read my watch.

This reminds me quite a bit of Naked News, a program from Canada which involves anchors and reporters stripping down to the buff while reporting on actual current events and headlines. I was very excited when this first came out, but then I realized it wasn't all that exciting. If they could have sex with each other and still tell me about the declining American dollar, that would be impressive.

This also reminds me of your story about the nude hairdressers. I find it hard to believe that qualified orators, newscasters or barbers would agree to do their job in the nude. It seems to me that kind of naked aspect would only attract the B-list that can't succeed in clothing. I don't need to strip down to do my job. In fact, I think they pay me extra to keep my pants on.
Oops, had I clicked on the embedded link, I would have realized you already know about Naked News!
Naked women tap dancing. Or operating pneumatic drills. Or doing both together. That would work.
"The flapping of lips, the wagging of tongues and the fingering of pages".
You paint such a pretty picture.
I just remembered that I used to watch videos of Eastern European gymnasts doing their activities in the nude. One of them was Corina Ungureanu.

I find it more artistic than titillating. Also a bit fascinating; I thought her type had to be flatchested to succeed.
Don't ya know all you got to be is pretty you don't have to be able to read...The penis never thinks about these things
Robyn: Did I put inappropriate ideas in your head, Robyn? I hope you'll be able to forget them before you read the book to your nephew.

Billy: Do you recognise her, Billy? I think she has her own cult following.

Jaya: There are surely people who can appreciate both skin and text, but can they appreciate them at the same time? It seems to require a kind of multi-tasking.

Chris: You make a powerful case against gratuitous nudity. I'd like to see you debate a leading naturist.

Steve: The drills would make a hell of a racket. Could you really appreciate the visual display with that sound ringing in your ears?

Rubbish: I'm glad to have stimulated your imagination. Maybe you ought to go to the show.

JTILIS: If the penis had a brain, Ms JTILIS, it would be thinking about sex.
I will suggest this to my library
I am not sure they should be reading the stories at all, but acting them out. And only the classics. I would be intrigued to know how they would interpret Animal Farm.
i feel kind of guilty toward the news presenters cos i've watched the 'trailer' 17 times and after 15 seconds into it the first time around, i turned the volume off.
If you want to grab the reader's attention offer free drink. Naked ladies won't attract true lit fans, who prefer librarian chic. But everyone likes a pint.
Whatever literary masterpieces they are reading, I can only imagine the authors must be rolling in their graves (God help us all if they are reading Jane Austen).
I think they are still people who can appreciate skin and text at the same time :) Maybe not big a community. The people from the art scene at least methinks. When I was involved with the KL Performing Arts Centre, we were taught on nudity and intimacy, and that kind of opens up the mind in many ways. Then again, nudity as it is, is supposed to tingle the human brains at the very least.
A naked, real woman reading a monologue on vagina, in an art centre is okay, after a while.
On a different note, I had a chance to see a Moulin Rouge cabaret show in Paris recently. Performers were hardly clothed, which leaves something to the imagination, but 10 mins into it, it's the same thing. So the attention shifted, and the focus was on different things.
Bananasfk: They could probably only afford pot-bellied exhibitionists to do the reading. Be careful what you ask for.

Number 11: Getting naked women to represent different animal species would be a challenge. I suppose the bucked-toothed girls could be the horses.

Dull boy: It's difficult to concentrate on more than one thing at the same time, isn't it? There's no need to feel guilty, I'm sure they'd understand.

Mr Boyo: That doesn't surprise me. Booze and books are the refuge of the impotent.

Frisky Virgin: Jane Austen was a romantic who wrote the same great novel six times. Watching a show like this might have given her ideas for another type of story.

Jaya: I am both surprised and pleased to hear of such an institution in KL. Do the words really have a different impact coming from a naked woman? What if the audience were naked too?
it'll be one big literary orgy !
Naked girls teaching Algebra II. Has that been tried? I think not.

We would pay tuition instead of admission. And when we all flunk we would have to re-enroll.
I think I'll just stick with naked girls mud wresting.
The only downfall of this...production is the unfortunate casting. Better cast member's and ensuring said cast's literacy should make for a huge success.
I resent looking at yet one more nude female Mr. GB. It's revolting and an affront to ALL my senses, even those I don't possess. In fact, I would rather dig my fecking eyes out then look at another porn-star wannabe. And it's for this reason (the proliferation of nude females in media) that I have rebelled and started my Male Appreciation Society. It's humble beginnings was met with both scorn and disdain from many people, particularly males, accusing me of "objectifying" them. And I was like "How do you like that?! A taste of your own medicine, bitches"...
I’m of the opinion that every stage production should be done in the nude. There probably wouldn’t be nearly as many poorly made pornos about West Side Story if they just went for it themselves.
Jaya: Hah! In that case they should read The Kama Sutra!

Fred: Naked girls could teach algebra by saying 'let X be the size of my bust'. There would be no excuse for flunking.

Banacek: You'll stick with it? Does that mean you'd be in the mud too?

Emma: They ought to hire you as their literary consultant, Emma. Did you have any cast members in mind?

Azra: Men who complain about being "objectified" are not real men, Miss Azra. Go right ahead and ogle any fellow who takes your fancy.

Scott: Now that's a radical idea. I'm trying to imagine what The Sound of Music would be like in the nude. How would you know who the nuns were?
I think putting casting calls in university libraries would make for a nice turnout, Mr. Bananas. The intellectual chicks will provide a surprising and fine show with their naughty bits.
Ha ha, a most amusing post.
Emma: To say nothing of their reading skills. You might have to train them to make the most of their naughty bits, Emma. It shouldn't take long to lick them into shape.

Jack: Hello and welcome, Mr Point. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
If we had more events like this I'd never pick up another book.
Superb! Though I feel that 20 dollars isn't exactly an unfair price...btw what books were they reading, exactly?
Today only a girl that has pictures with dogs next to her naked body are safe naked girls as they enforce the current work of art. All the rest are likely prostitutes sparing any judgement but they could also be slots and as such there is risk of poligamy. This is a wave: pictures with dogs and sticking with the fashion of the moment underline order. If you do not see this yet just wait a while and you will see it coming.
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