Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hello Goodbye

I am delighted to hear that Paul McCartney is getting married for the third time. As a friend of the gorilla nation, he is entitled to the warmest of good wishes from me and my females. The omens for this union are good. Paul has wisely gone through a five-year courtship rather than rushing, lemming-like, into wedlock with a woman of avaricious and cantankerous disposition. His fiancé’s first name is Nancy, one of the select few that Macca has used in one of his own compositions. Admittedly, the woman in the song was a saloon bar dancer of easy virtue, but one is entitled to poetic license in making such artistic analogies.

It reflects well on Paul that he is still willing to get hitched after the ignominy of his second marriage. Let us never forget the calumnies that emerged from the poisonous tongue of Ms Heather Mills, who accused her husband, among other things, of being obsessed about her breasts. The woman was clearly unfit for matrimony – an honest wife would have thanked her lucky stars that he wasn’t obsessed about another woman’s breasts. Yet in spite of the humiliations and pecuniary losses he suffered at the hands of his ex-wife, Paul is now taking the plunge with another woman (albeit of very different temperament, one hopes). All those sappy romantic lyrics he wrote must have genuinely come from the heart. 

As one musical man marries, another brawny one divorces. It gives me no pleasure whatever to hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife has given the old beef steer his marching orders, even though he has no one to blame but himself. I don’t know what possessed him to declare that mulatto women have the best behinds. His wife, who is not a mulatto, must have burned with indignation as she strained her neck to inspect her own tush in the bedroom mirror. As a woman from the Kennedy family, she might have forgiven Arnie the odd affair, but she could never tolerate him publicly scorning her charms. Apparently his remark was made on the spur of the moment, after a Brazilian samba dancer nudged him with her buttocks, but there are times when a husband should salivate in silence. A wise man never comments about the first thing that rubs against his thigh. 

Arnie’s troubles remind me of the advice I gave Smacker Ramrod before he popped the question to his current lady wife. My devoted circus buddy had asked me whether he ought to inform his intended of his past dalliances and debaucheries, of which there had been many. 

“Don’t do it, Smacker!” I exclaimed. “However much she says it doesn’t matter, it will always prey on her mind! Just smile enigmatically if she asks. Let sleeping cats lie!” 

I am pleased to say that Smacker followed my advice and has remained happily married for almost a decade. As we say in the jungle, the truth is like a hornet sting – only give it to creatures with a thick hide. 

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that's sad news about arnie.
The governor does make an excellent point in his compliments to the mulatto women dairy aire's. While it is opinion that they are the best to look at, there is no doubt they are worthy of admiration.
I'm happy to hear Paul is in a happy, healthy relationship. Beatlemania is still alive and well in our house. :)
i remember when paul and heather came to cananda to protest the seal hunt and they were being interviewed. i turned to my son and said he might be a multi millionaire rock star but look at the shrew he's married to, i'll give it 6 more months.

it didn't take a genius to see sir paul was not happy.
Good for Sir Paul :)
Paul McCartney's still alive? I forgot about him. I'm glad he moved on, though, to a woman whose breasts he won't obsess about.

As for Arnold, it'd be nice if the terminator took care of him once and for all.

If that is Arnie's soon-to-be ex in the picture with him then I'd posit that her behind is thick enough.
Dull boy: It is indeed. If only there were a shoulder big enough for him to cry on.

Emma: You speak like a connoisseur, Emma. Have you been to Brazil?

Thomas: Beatlemania is alive in the jungle as well, although most gorillas prefer Tom Jones.

Billy: I remember her giving Larry King a hard time in an interview. She was a bride fit for a snake charmer.

Jaya: Let's hope it's good for his new missus too!

Robyn: Well it looks like his political career has terminated, Robyn. Wouldn't you rather see him in the movies than in the governor's mansion?

Steve: Either you've got X-ray vision or that's a very subtle double entendre.
At least with this one Sir Paul wont have to buy her a plane.....she should be able to use a ladyshave like everyone else.
Maybe Macca and Arnie ought to get it together.

That'd spawn a song or two, I reckon.
Good for Paul, I hope this one works out better than the last. Hopefully he has hammered out some type of prenuptial agreement on the breasts.
Never did I imagine I would come across a gorilla with such an incisive mind. Not to insult your species as a whole, it is just in my limited experience they tend to dabble in writing after the style of Mills and Boon rather than Louis Theroux. I think as a society we could learn a lot from the laws of the jungle. Would you, GB, be similarly treated if you passed comment after the buttocks of an unattached female rubbed against your thigh?
You are an optimistic ape. Sir Paul (as all his friends call him) is marrying a New York Business Woman, and in my books that means we should put a divorce date in the diary right now. Heather Mills runs a cafe down the road from me now. I'm boycotting it. As for Arnie....
Haha Mr. GB. You are so funny. Are all the male Gorillas in your Jungle as funny as you are? And more importantly, is there any chocolate on your side of the world?

Incidentally, I had a friend come to me for advice before getting married. He wanted to know if he should divulge the contents of his past to his new amor. I told him that if she was a pragmatic and sensible woman, the type of woman that didn't bring up the past in an argument, then he could. But then he told me that they were already fighting and arguing over silly things that happened two weeks ago. And I have since advised against telling her. After all, some people handle things differently to others no?
Joebloggs: Are you saying he bought the last one a plane so she could shave her legs? She must have had him by the balls.

The Jules: I'm not sure about Arnie's singing voice, but Paul might be able to teach him to play the glockenspiel.

Greg: The trauma of his last marriage may have changed Paul into a leg man. Don't women prefer leg men?

Foshizzle: If Louis Theroux is superior to Mills and Boon, I thank you for the compliment. If a female buttock rubbed against my thigh, I would thank it politely without passing judgment.

Note Bene: You are correct, Sir, it is in my nature to be optimistic. I believe this woman will be too besotted to attempt a snatch-and-grab raid like the last one.

Azra: I have plenty of chocolate, Miss Azra, which I would happily feed you by hand.
The advice you gave your friend was exemplary. Never give ammunition to a quarrelsome women.
A divorce seems rather an over-reaction to an inane comment about buttocks. Could you cite arse-neglect in judicial proceedings l wonder? And who would be at fault? Arnold for his lack of rear end tolerance, or the missus for not plumping for implants to keep him focussed on HER behind?
Brazil? No. Though, I will deny no claims of my connoisseurage, Mr. Bananas.
And nearly 15 years ago, Arnie baby successfully seeds his wife Maria and his live in housemaid Mildred both in the same week. Well in fairness to Arnie, their address, initials and natural hair colour ‘were’ exactly the same at the time. Maybe Arnie just has a chronically bad sense of direction even when inside his own home…in the dark. In fact maybe that’s the real reason and origin of his phrase “I’ll be back” every time he sets off from the bedroom to the bathroom each night. It’s a kind of necessary reassurance thing as much to himself as to whoever’s actually in the bedroom he’s in at the time. It’s just a bit sad that now and gain he doesn’t quite get ‘back’ so to speak – to the same bedroom on exactly the same night. So for Arnie, “Hello” & “Goodbye” just doesn’t have the same resonance as “I’ll be back…honest”. Except this time he won’t will he. Cos this time he’s finally been ‘terminated’ hasn’t he.
"an honest wife would have thanked her lucky stars that he wasn’t obsessed about another woman’s breasts." Amen!
Yup, you are right. A woman could never tolerate her lover publicly or otherwise scorning her charms. I don't know why still some guys end up being dumbasses..
I believe this story calls for a song:

"Now somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota
There lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon
And one day his woman ran off with another guy
Hit young Rocky in the eye Rocky didn't like that
He said I'm gonna get that boy
So one day he walked into town
Booked himself a room in the local saloon.

Rocky Raccoon checked into his room
Only to find Gideon's bible
Rocky had come equipped with a gun
To shoot off the legs of his rival
His rival it seems had broken his dreams
By stealing the girl of his fancy.
Her name was Magil and she called herself Lil
But everyone knew her as Nancy.
Now she and her man who called himself Dan
Were in the next room at the hoedown
Rocky burst in and grinning a grin
He said Danny boy this is a showdown
But Daniel was hot-he drew first and shot
And Rocky collapsed in the corner.

The doctor came in stinking of gin
And proceeded to lie on the table
He said Rocky you met your match
And Rocky said, Doc it's only a scratch
And I'll be better I'll be better doc as soon as I am able.

Now Rocky Raccoon he fell back in his room
Only to find Gideon's bible
Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt
To help with good Rocky's revival."
Number 11: He did more than neglect his wife's bottom, though. He publicly expressed a preference for other bottoms. That's a humiliation too far for a faithful spouse.

Emma: I hope you'll get a chance to visit, Emma. I think you'd enjoy doing the samba.

Phil: Did he really do that? He must have been feeling frisky in that eventful week. Maybe the maid was a rehearsal for his wife. I believe Arnie wasn't that keen on penetration before he married.

Dr Cynicism: You may use that line yourself to justify your own predilections.

Runaway: They do it because they lack self-control, Miss Runaway.

Static: Here is a musical version.
Thank you, Mr. Bananas. I look forward to future hip swiveling.
I am ruminating on a similar subject, why Arnie's mistress is so plain and why so many men seem to sleep with 'any portal in a storm' alas there are more questions than answers where the male libido is concerned eh?
GB, I'd rather not see him at all. He does not deserve to be alive.

PS Good point about my former prospective career in men's fashion. I knew I took the wrong route.

I feel terrible for his wife and his children--all of them. The child he had with his mistress is likely to face resentment and rejection from the Schwarzeneggers for the mere fact of his birth.

I really hope that they can work something out and that this son or daughter won't have to live a life hidden in the shadows, the unwanted offspring of the household help.
I am sorely disappointed in you, Mr. Gorilla, for not including this one: or this one:
Emma C: Remember to take pictures.

Emma K: She may have been "plain-sexy". Attitude and pheromones can compensate for average looks.

BrightenedBoy: Yes, indeed, the child has done no wrong. I hope his half-siblings treat him magnanimously.

Static: I'm sorely disappointed it hasn't been covered by someone capable of doing it justice.
wouldn't it be weird if a guy WASNT obsessed with his wife's breast?

i swear, there's no pleasing these females.

i mean, poor paul, she had one leg, i mean, he had to look at something.
Bluntdelivery: You're right. Her breasts were lemon-shaped, but much less sour than her face.
I feel awful for Maria, yet I'm not terribly surprised by Arnie's extra marital activities. Sad to say. I hope I don't secretly think all men cheat.

I hope Paul has a happy marriage this go around.
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