Monday, April 11, 2011

Wearing the trousers

My females cackled their heads off on hearing that Elton John described himself as a modern woman in a radio interview. They took this to mean that he was trying to suckle baby Zachary, an idea which they found hilarious. I suppose it might be possible with the aid of a baby-formula breast implant, but I found their banter distasteful. 

“You silly flea-bags!” I exclaimed. “A man can’t allow a baby to suck his nipples! That would be unlawful abuse of a minor!” 

They snorted and broke wind at my assertion. Female gorillas don’t hide their emotions when they’re confounded or disgruntled. 

“How can he be abusing the baby if he’s having his nipples sucked?” they asked. “The passive one can’t be the abuser!” 

“Technicalities like that aren’t important,” I explained. “You can only give a human baby a nipple to suck if it’s attached to a woman or made of an authorised rubbery substance.” 

They grunted irritably before wandering off to look for a baboon to molest. 

Elton’s statement had nothing to do with breast-feeding, of course. When a man in a gay relationship admits to being the woman, it’s pretty obvious what he’s getting at. Frankly, I don’t see why Elton felt the urge to disclose this information on air. Do fans of his music really need to know that he’s the one biting the pillow? And aren’t gay men supposed to take turns in a healthy relationship? Perhaps he made the statement to suck up to his partner David Furnish, who was sitting right next to him in the radio studio. Mr Furnish was quick to back Elton up (so to speak). 

“I am the one who wears the trousers!” he declared, putting the matter beyond all doubt or ambiguity. 

It’s strange that a gay man should take pride in wearing such a conventional garment. Maybe he thinks he has a macho image to protect. I just hope he doesn’t expect Elton to iron and press them, like a good little housewife. There are limits to what a world-famous pop star should do to massage the ego of his other half.

Yet the psychological importance of trousers to the human male should never be underestimated. Long gone are the days of the bare-legged hero, flaunting his waxed limbs in the Roman amphitheatre. There are few places left on Earth where a trouserless man can walk with his head held high. 

This vulnerability was recently exploited by the German police, who frogmarched a suspect to the station with his trousers around his ankles. Having threatened to kill five hostages in a bungled bank robbery, he is now suing the police for humiliating him. The police pointed out that they had pulled his sweater over his head to preserve his anonymity. Few men are recognisable from their bare legs alone. 

Although the man deserves to win his civil suit, I hope he isn’t awarded monetary damages. Were I the presiding judge, I would knock a week off his prison term as compensation. 

“You will now have cause to be grateful to the police for an extra week of liberty,” I would say to him. “I hope you have the good manners to write them a thank-you note.” 

A moderate dose of humiliation can be good for the soul of a scoundrel.

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On the issue of men and breastfeeding ...

That's what I think anyway.
As for the criminal - he should be more embarassed about his disgusting underwear. Oh the shame.
Re: “There are few places left on Earth where a trouserless man can walk with his head held high..”

Utter Twaddle & Tosh Bananas!

I’m not too proud to admit that I only own one kilt, but it certainly doesn’t stop ‘me’ from holding my head up high and proud as I wait patiently at the launderette while its being rinsed. And besides…my sporran is large enough to conceal most of my finest and fondest from idle casual inspection.

In fact I am frequently asked by curious women if there is anything worn under my kilt, and my answer is always emphatically the same – “No Madam…’Everything’ is in perfect working order thank you.”
Elton does resemble a modern woman, much as I love the guy.
I would enjoy hanging out with your female gorillas. We have a lot in common.
oh boy (ape?) you had me laughing with Elton's revelation....

...i agree with you that a little humiliation can go a long way, but it is kinda weird (even for germans) that they did not pull that bloke's pants up (and how did they get to be around his ankles?)
Those are skanky boxers. Nice to see the fashion police pounced on him so fast. As for Elton... I find it bemusing that in a same sex relationship people still have to resort to man / woman stereotypes.
What do you think their Son will grow up like GB?
A man should never attempt to breastfeed a child. It's against the law of nature. It's silly.
Dirty Cowgirl: I went through your links and was fascinated to learn there are recorded instances of men suckling infants. Maybe there's hope for Elton yet.

Phil: What a silly boaster you are. I can't believe any woman would view you with anything but amusement and pity.

Robyn: I don't blame you for loving the guy, Robyn. He has bags of personality.

Madam Z: And I would like having you in my harem, Madam Z. But do you really enjoy molesting baboons? Surely not!

Dull boy: I believe the German police pulled them down after arresting him. I'm pretty sure he didn't try to rob the bank with his pants down - that would have caused an unnecessary distraction.

Steve: Where's the stereotype? A lot of women like being bossed around by a macho man, and Elton is obviously one of them. Perhaps you never got to know such a woman - I can well believe that.

Rubbish: I think he'll be incredibly macho and model himself on Tom Jones. Humans have a tendency to overcompensate.

Jaya: You may say that, Jaya, but apparently a few men have managed to do it! Check it out on wikipedia.
Funny ! A man breast-feeding a child could be a hairrowing experience, damaging the youngster for life if Elton fails to shave his chest...

Its been correlated that baby's that suckle from women with hairy nipples have a greater incidence of colic. So Elton should be quite careful
Totally not kidding here. Elton John looked like my mom thirty years ago, and he still does. She's 78 and still has sandy hair. Incidentally, she was a church organist for 35 years. Weird.
Have to agree with Steve there, amusing to find that same-sex relationships are often defined by the male/female stereotypes.

I'm sure Elton's boobs are big enough to breastfeed and he definitely has the money to see a Doctor to make it happen - if he wanted to.

Find it equally amusing that they still rob banks in the first world. Aren't there public funds for the poor? I know in the UK, all a girl has to do to is get knocked up to get a flat of her own. No need to be robbing banks and all that.
GB, thank you for the rare opportunity to say "Hurrah for the German Police!"
I always kinda figured Elton John would wear the pants in that relationship. I mean he is the famous one and was knighted after all. Either way it makes my brain hurt.
Greg: Not even gorillas have hairy nipples, so I assume you're talking about the surrounding skin. All I can say is that it doesn't seem to bother baby gorillas.

Fred: Do you think she and Elton might be related? They could be 3rd cousins or something. Can your mom play Candle in the Wind?

Azra: Yes, Elton's moobs are probably quite fleshy now, but I'm not convinced his milk has the required qualities. Not enough cream and vitamins to keep young Zachary healthy.

Mr Boyo: Yes, they've come a long way since the dark days of WW2. Maybe watching Allo Allo has given them a sense of humour.

The Wolf: You're confusing career success with dominance in the bedroom. I believe Rock Hudson preferred to be the catcher rather than the pitcher.
have i ever mentioned that i don't like cops?
It has been my (unfortunate) experience that, at times, modern women are expected to "pitch" as well.

It's given me a whole new, and rather less savory, attitude toward strap-ons.


- B x
Billy: They never pulled your trousers down, did they Billy? That doesn't sound Canadian.

Barreness: I suggest you switch from Spaniards to Italians, Ms Barreness. Italian men always prefer pitching.
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