Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Motherhood and velcro

Another evening tending bar at the safari guesthouse, and I witness our guests discussing the thorny topic of how lesbians should procreate. The women favour the use of sperm banks and mechanical squirting devices, but the men reject this method as unreliable and mean-spirited. The broody lesbian, they argue, should interview potential fathers face-to-face and allow the successful candidate to impregnate her, not necessarily face-to-face. 

“Having sex with a man is the only sure way of knowing who the father is,” says one of the men. “You can’t trust a sperm bank. They may say the donor is a Nobel laureate, but he might be some snotty-nosed teenager who walks around with his butt cleavage showing. Letting a man do the business is safer and more natural.” 

“You just like the idea of sleeping with a woman who won’t expect anything from you afterwards,” declares one of the women in a somewhat accusatory tone. “What you don’t understand is that being penetrated by a man is unnatural for lesbians. Why would they willingly go through such an ordeal?” 

The men seem offended by this question. “If lesbians hate penises so much how come they use strap-ons?” asks one of them. 

“Because they’re permanently hard and easier to clean,” replies one of the women tartly. “Lesbians don’t hate penises anyway. They just don’t find them exciting when they’re attached to the body of a man.” 

The debate fizzles out without consensus or conclusion. I breathe a sigh of relief that I have avoided involvement, either as mediator, adjudicator or advocate. I know little about lesbians and their mysterious ways and might have exposed myself to derision by making a schoolboy howler. On the reproductive question, I would say that a woman is entitled to put whatever she wants up her cha-cha (within reason). How lesbians reproduce is nobody’s business. 

Yet like most things which are nobody’s business, one is very curious to know. 

My readers will have heard of Jodie Foster, the Oscar-winning actress. I always thought she had a singularly pretty face for a woman who found the male of her species unappealing. I believe she has given birth to several babies of indeterminate male parentage. The manner of their conception was kept a closely guarded secret. 

Now suppose we bribed some random fellow to publicly claim fatherhood of Ms Foster’s children. She would only issue an immediate denial if she were certain of the real father’s identity, and had presumably allowed him to mount her, which is something even a lesbian might endure in a good cause. But a delayed response would imply that she was making frantic enquiries with her sperm bank, which would have to check that our stooge wasn’t a disgruntled former employee who substituted his own man-goo for that of Ms Foster’s preferred donor. These things can happen in the best of sperm banks. 

I admit such a ruse would be roguish and unethical, but can anyone think of a better way of winkling it out of her? 

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I like Jody Foster. She's pretty hot. Don't you think, GB? I thought she's been out for years or decades, so I'm confused. Is that not the case? Interesting mystery regarding the father of her boys. (I'd go with the turkey baster theory.)
I have to be honest I'd like to spend an inordinate amount of time winkling all kinds of stuff out of Jodie Foster.
Lesbians confuse me too. As for the theory that lesbians hate men but love penis's(peni?) ergo strap on's and dildos then I just don't get it. I love breasts but would be horrified if a man were to rub his large boobies in my face also if a woman with small breasts "strapped on" a pair of large plastic breasts and told me to "milk these bad boys" then I would not find this attractive in the least. However if they were surgically implanted then no problems (as long as they weren't like a couple of jelly moulds). Confused? me too!
Most lesbians may just need a damn good seeing to to "sort them out" but I fear that after expressing that opinion I may have ruled myself out of the job.
Never liked Jodie Foster... there's something very iffy about her. It's like she wears her issues on her face. Who knows, maybe she couldn't find anyone who could do the job and was forced to go to the SB, hence the hesitation to reveal who the Daddy is. Or maybe it's Michael Douglas. Or Kevin Costner. Or Harrison Ford... and she doesn't want to break up their happy homes.
I suspect Ms Foster ate the various fathers immediately after coitus.
sometimes i wish i was a lesbian. i'm tired of doing all the cleaning myself around this house.
Robyn: She's a pretty woman alright, but I can't get those unnaturally precocious characters she played as a child out of my head. There was something world-weary about her at the age of 17.

Steve: I'm sure you would, mate, but is your winkler up to the challenge?

JoeBloggs: There's no point trying to compare yourself to a lesbian, they exist on an entirely different plane to a beer-drinking, arse-scratching fellow like yourself. They only sleep with men who know how to make love like lesbians. Is that something you'd be willing to learn?

Azra: Do you really think she slept with any of her co-stars? She once implied fancying Mel Gibson, but that might have been hype to promote the movie they were in. The link suggests she allowed a gay movie director to impregnate her. I hope they had sex rather than using a turkey baster.

Kyknoord: I doubt she was ever hungry enough to do that. A mere slip of a girl can't behave like a female spider.

Kage: I bet a lot of lesbians wish you were a lesbian too, Ms Kage. Have you never been tempted to tip the velvet?
One of the best lines ever used on Family Guy was when two lesbians went to the sperm bank and asked for an applicator that looked like Jodie Foster’s knuckles. That’s just disgusting enough to be freaking brilliant!
i've considered getting a sex change just to have a shot at bedding jodie foster.
For some reason, i've always been mistaken for a lesbian even from school days. No issues with it though :) but i do fancy Allan Degeneres.
did you know that in the colony there is talk of giving lesbians/gays the same status before the law as normal people?
Isn't a DNA test the answer?

I pity her babies though. Don't they have a right to know who their biological dad is?
I tried my hand at being a lesbian once, but my wigs and my willy kept getting in the way. It was such a pain in the ass for her that we quickly gave up on the whole idea and went straight to the cigarette part instead.
Mr. GB, after learning that Marlon Brando once slept with James Dean... and after reading excerpts from Rupert Everette's autobiography, I believe that ANYTHING is possible in Tinseltown.
I don't believe lesbians should be having kids. But only because I don't think heterosexuals should be having kids either.

You know, that tart woman does have a point about the strap on. The whole "cleaning up part" is why I refused to lose my virginity until I was 13.
Scott: That's not disgusting at all. If I had a photo of Jodie's knuckles, I'd nail it to the tree at the end of my hammock.

Billy: She'd have to be great in the sack to make that worthwhile.

Jaya: Was it because of your clothes, Jaya? There's nothing the least bit butch about your looks.

Dull boy: That must be because of your PM. I bet a lot of lesbians fantasize about her. Do you thing she swings both ways?

Runaway bride: Good point, Miss Runaway. Maybe they'll demand to know the truth when they're older...and then spill the beans.

Phil: You should have stuck at it. Waxing and hormone therapy would have probably nailed it for you.

Azra: A most shocking revelation, Miss Azra. I'm not sure
I want to read Mr Everette's memoirs if he's been throwing his bottom at the A-list fraternity.

Bschooled: Girls don't have to clean up, Ms Bschooled. That's a falsehood peddled by sexist men who want women to do all the cleaning. You've been had, I'm afraid!
I think sometimes lesbians don't have to look butch, GB. Due to rumours that circulated around, a boy I dated even asked me if I was straight. Wasn't offended, just curious as to what made ppl come to the conclusion. These days it doesn't happen much. Doesn't matter :)
"They just don’t find them exciting when they’re attached to the body of a man.”

The opposite is the case for lampreys, who have many erotic applications in the lore of the Isle of Man.
With apologies for my prolonged absence, MrB x

Most lesbian couples of my acquaintance ask a trusted male friend to provide a donation via turkey baster and said male is closely involved as a male father figure in the resulting children's lives.

Why would Jodie Foster be any different? It's not rocket science but, more importantly, why do WE need to know?

I have to admit that, as a woman, I find her pretty but have never wanted to feel her snorks. I guess that means I'm straight :)

Although I should point out that I've always found Jennifer Aniston very appealing ;P

On a different note, perhaps you can help me, MrB - you being a bastion of grammer, punctuation and good spelling. My spellcheck keeps highlighting words like appealling where I double the last letter and add -ing. I am sure this used to be the rule - with the usual exceptions to prove it :) - but, having always come top in spelling bees, I now discover that I cannot spell at all.

Has US English finally infiltrated and overpowered our native British dictionary?
This was great. You got game, Gorilla. You really can think like a lesbian, and that's to your benefit; you may be able to bed a few some day.

Hope we can collaborate on something some day; on a writing project, not lesbian hunting.
Jaya: Maybe it's because you were bold and brassy, Jaya. In some cultures women are expected to be demure.

My Boyo: Can a lamprey be trusted to disgorge what it has swallowed? Even the much derided vacuum cleaner sounds like a safer option.

Joanna: You'll have to switch your spellchecker to UK English if you want your double-consonants to be allowed, Joanna. What would ol' Ruf think of you and another pretty lady hitting the sheets? Would you let him watch?

Dr Ken: Thank you, Dr Ken, I think of myself as a lesbian in a gorilla's body. Maybe we should collaborate on a writing project about lesbians?
Perhaps some of these "penis-hating" women would be more interested if the penis were attached to a large, muscley gorilla. There's only one way to find out, GB...
The higher-end strap-ons are, in fact, NOT easier to clean, due to the leather strappings. The only way to make a strap-on easier to clean is to make it machine washable. Line dry only!
Madam Z: I think I'll wait for an invitation, Madam Z. I'm not the sort of ape to press myself on anyone.

Fred: Machine-washing sounds like overkill to me. How about a damp sponge and a bucket of soap suds?
Are they dishwasher safe?
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