Friday, April 15, 2011

Facial cues

Have you noticed that a lot of internet sites are displaying the faces of women supposedly having orgasms? A totally pointless exercise, in my view. You’d find similar expressions on the faces of women suffering from muscle cramps or trapped wind. Some of the more extreme portraits remind me of a slave girl having her toe amputated in the tent of a Mongol warlord. These faces provide no reliable data about a woman’s drives and juices. 

A picture gallery showing the faces of ovulating women would be far more useful. Biologists have recently discovered that female rhesus monkeys have special “ovum faces” which only their steady boyfriends can discern. The same is true of gorillas. The eyes of my females flash like police sirens when they’re ovulating – if I gave them the chance they would handcuff me to a tree and read me my rights. Fortunately, it’s the ape who’s packing the biggest pistol that lays down the law in the jungle, so I generally manage to keep on top of the situation. 

The manager of the safari camp once told me that he knew when his wife was fertile. 

“The point of her nose changes colour and her eyes moisten,” he explained. “We’ve never needed to use contraception since I learned how to read her cycle.” 

“But doesn’t she want you to service her when she’s fertile?” I asked. “I’ve heard that women can be very horny at that time of the month.” 

“Of course she does,” he said. “I get some lube from the drawer and tell her I’m using the tradesman’s entrance this time.” 

“And is she happy to receive you through the back door?” I inquired. 

“Beggars can’t be choosers,” he replied. 

A man who would currently benefit from such perspicacity is David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff, who has been energetically squiring a 31-year-old Welsh nymphette by the name of Hayley Roberts. Rumour has it that The Hoff is considering making an honest floozy of the blond part-time factory worker and aspiring model. Further rumour has it that she is eager to produce a brood of Hofflings for the great man, which might be more than he can handle at the age of 58. If he knew when she was ovulating he could thwart her cunning reproductive schemes. 

Yet there are more important things in life than helping The Hoff with his family planning. Take road safety, for example. It’s an issue we take very seriously in the safari business, even though there are no actual roads to travel on. Our bus drivers always give animals the right of way and never break the speed limit unless being chased by an elephant. I was therefore shocked to hear of a Polish truck-driving instructor who gave his pupils the following advice

“If a car gets in your way, fucking hit it!” 

If the Polish authorities want to send Mr Krzystof Bojemski to the Congo for retraining, there’s a herd of elephants I’d like to introduce him to. If a truck drives into them, they fucking squash it. 

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A better system than the old "rythyme method" system. Calanders are never accurate.
The thought of a whole dynasty of potential Hoffs makes me want to send Mr David H to Poland for a holiday with or without his Kitt car.
i studied the female orgasm faces, and look, i don't want to brag, but many of them looked very familiar....
Just what the world needs more drunken human train wrecks eating burgers off the floor because they host a really bad reality show. Kinda makes me want to go postal
Gotta love the Hoff.
Is it just me, or does The Hoff look a little plastic? Too much Botox there Dave.

I have this fantasy Mr. GB, where I have diplomatic immunity and I own a monster truck - y'know one of those 4x4's with those really huge wheels that can be found at motor rallies? (I'm no expert here so the appropriate terminology eludes me)... anyways, I imagine driving this truck through what can only be described as INFURIATING traffic. And in my fantasy, I drive over every car, bus, truck, person that annoys me and I just carry on driving after I've knocked them senseless, like nothing ever happened :)
I, too, resemble a woman having an orgasm when I have trapped gas. I kind of look like ole Hof leering, there. Only he's better looking.
trapped gas?

where ever you may be
let the wind blow free

best advice my dad ever gave me.
but that photo of a woman gasping for breath in this post screams orgasm. nothing else :)
You make some astute observations, GB. Hasselhoff looks like he's faking it in that picture. I didn't know men could do that.
Marnie: I've never understood the rhythm method. Doing it with rhythm is certainly more enjoyable, but why should it prevent conception?

Steve: The Germans love The Hoff, so you're probably right to assume the Poles hate him.

Dull Boy: Really? Well I don't believe you've been torturing women, so you must be a physiotherapist.

The Wolf: Harsh words indeed! Are you talking about The Hoff or the Polish driving instructor?

Katerina: What I love about The Hoff is that he's not afraid of making an arse of himself.

Azra: It's either botox or a rictus brought on by over-stimulation of the nerve endings. My solution to traffic jams is to get rid of traffic lights and make everyone drive in dodgem cars.

Fred: Do you look at yourself when you're getting off? I've heard some people have mirrors on the bedroom ceiling.

Billy: Fair enough, but remember to open a window if you're indoors.

Jaya: I'll take your word for it, Jaya. She's feeling it down to her toes, whatever it is!

Robyn: Haha, Robyn! I think he may have to fake it with a woman so much younger than himself. He'll probably keep that expression on his face from start to finish.
It’s funny how similar pleasure and pain look etched upon a human face.

A brood of Hofflings in just about the last thing the world needs right now. Although, I suppose it might help Europe’s economy.
Isn't 31 a little old to be an aspiring model? Models are like athletes, at a certain point you're too old to play. Maybe there are weekend modeling leagues at the rec center she could participate in.
Both acutally though I'm not sure if the Polish guy eats burgers off the floor in a drunken stuper and has his daughter record it.
women have orgasms?!?!

tish pashah, what nonsense. next you'll be telling me that men have feelings.

anyway. where's my url?!
What in the hell is that knockout doing with an old Knight Rider like that? Also, the picture at the top of the blog was hot until you told me that she just had bad gas pains. Thanks.
um.i'm just not sure what to think of any of this.

i agree on the orgasm faces, that is totally true.

as far as the ovulating thing? um, i don't know. my nose is legit. no changing colors here
Scott: I think the Marquis de Sade was the first one to realise the link between pain and pleasure. I'm sure he would have plenty of useful advice for Hef and his bride.

Chris: Any girl who dates a celebrity automatically becomes an aspiring model. It's like an honorific title.

The Wolf: The Hoff's daughter recorded him eating hamburgers off the floor? He must be a very noisy eater.

Kage: Your url is right next to your clitoris, Ms Kage. If you touch it right you'll have a squirter.

Dr Ken: Girls like Hayley are powerfully attracted to the smell of cash. The Hoff probably rubs it over his body every morning.

Bluntdelivery: How do you know what the tip of your nose looks like, Missy? I bet it turns deep purple when you're popping out an egg.
I will say, ovulation tends to bring forth vivid dreams, be them at night or the day kind. Of course, I seem to have these more often than not. lol Surprise, right? :/

The Hoff. I have no words.
There, nothing wrong with dreaming, Miss Virgin, and I bet your eggs are fresh enough for choosiest sperm.
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