Monday, April 25, 2011

Baby Gaga

I arrive in London to discover that a new brand of ice cream is the talk of the town. Its unique selling point is the milk it’s made from, freshly extracted from the udders of lactating women. The principal supplier of this essential ingredient is Victoria Hiley, a 35-year-old mother from Leeds, who has been trumpeting the tastiness of her tata juice. 

“There’s nothing more natural than fresh, free-range mother’s milk in an ice cream,” she declared. “My boobs produce far more than my baby needs and I love having them squeezed. If other mothers realised how delicious their milk was, we’d put the cows out of business!” 

I’m glad to hear that the milk is free range. In my ignorance, I had thought that the breast-feeding mothers of England were cooped up in suburban lounges with barely enough room to wiggle their arses on the settee, mooing peevishly while voracious human babies sucked them dry. It’s good to know that they are allowed to roam freely in patios and conservatories as Nature intended. I’m sure the extra cost of providing such facilities is amply repaid in the quality of the milk. 

Nor can I refute the other assertions made by Ms Hiley. The milk from human females is unquestionably natural, and I dare say many women could feed a crèche full of babies, judging by the size of their jahoobies. As for the taste, I will accept Ms Hiley’s assurance that it is excellent in every way. The suckling woman is not a rare sight in Africa, and I have yet to witness a baby spitting out her secretions in disgust. 

Now let’s move on to the question that’s on all of your minds. Will Gorilla Bananas, a noted aficionado and connoisseur of ice-cream, sample a tub of the much-heralded Baby Gaga and appraise it for the benefit of his curious readers? Let me assure you that I have given this question much thought, examining its merits from every conceivable angle. After carefully weighing the pros and cons, I have decided against. 

My reasons are not what you might suspect. I have no time for silly people who think that consuming a woman’s milk is “yucky” or “sick”. It is certainly no more disgusting than drinking the milk of a cud-chewing herbivore that defaces grassy meadows with its dung and farts like thunder with a stupid expression on its face. Drinking human milk is a perfectly wholesome activity provided that the decencies are observed and one doesn’t attempt to take it from the teat like a greedy piglet. 

The reason I won’t be tasting the product is because of all the hype. Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I don’t like having the delectable qualities of a dessert rammed down my throat. In particular, the self-laudatory chirping of the lactatious Ms Hiley has left a sour taste in my mouth. There are few things less ladylike, in my view, than a woman who boasts about the flavour of her bodily fluids. The negative impact of all this hoopla on my taste buds would make it impossible for me to savour the ice cream with an unbiased tongue.

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I wouldn't mind trying a sample, after I titty bang the host and/or donator.
15 pounds for a serving is a little rich for me. i can pick up a nice little bag of herbal refreshments and have enough left over for a hot fudge sundae.
If I'm allowed to extract the milk myself then I'd definitely be for it.

Other than, I think you summed it up nicely. Humans drinking cow's milk is unnatural. Human's drinking milk from human's is perfectly natural. Not sure whether is ice cream is biologically natural or not but it's damn good on a hot day. Or even on a pair of breasts.
GB have you told your lady apes yet?
My range of sperm yoghurt will be out next week. How many cartons can I put you down for GB?
I have tried human milk in my adult life and it does taste very different to the cow milk we're used to. Still haven't been able to decide if it's better.

But Baby Gaga. LOL
Static: You'd better wash those titties after banging them or you might end-up drinking your own man goo.

Billy: Fair enough, Billy, it is very expensive. Would you have a portion if I treated you?

Steve: Heh, you talk a good game, I must say! I'd like to see you re-post your comment on your own blog. Go on, I dare you!

Bananasfk: I'll tell them when I get home, Ms B. They'll probably try to market their own creamy boob shakes.

Rubbish: If your man goo repels mosquitoes, you can put me down for a pint a week. Have you got that much in you?

Peevie Juice: Hello and Welcome, Mr Juice! Do you know whose milk it was? The taste may depend on the woman's diet.
Personally, l am holding out for the new range of organic placenta steaks.*smacks lips*
I couldn't do it, GB. The name, Baby Gaga, combined with the free range factor - give me milk from a cow's udders anytime.
Yeah, I can't...won't...wouldn't.

I have to agree with you--all the self-boasting left me a little sour.
I'd never Mr GB... wouldn't it border on Cannabilism for females?
It was my aunt's. She had set some aside for her kid when we were travelling.

She was a little disturbed when she saw me drinking her milk.

And that's putting it mildly.
And, of course, white women give the highest protein. Hispanics are highest in butter fat. Asians produce soy milk, obviously. The German milk tastes like hops.

Should I stop, now?

African women are most drought-resistant. I'm sorry. I was raised on a dairy farm. Was a member of Future Farmers of America. So many bad ideas, here.
this can't be true.

and if it is i'm utterly disgusted.

pun intended.

i don't even like actual milk, so i'm pretty sure there will be no boobie milk drinking over here.
Number 11: Expect to pay a small fortune if you want to eat another woman's placenta. Most new mothers like to keep that delicacy for themselves.

Robyn: Not even a spoonful, Robyn? I'd be happy to treat you.

Frisky Virgin: Boasting is very unladylike, isn't it Miss Virgin? I'm sure you won't boast when you're nursing your babies.

Azra: Vegetarians drink milk, Miss Azra, so I don't think it would be cannibalism. Maybe it's a kind of nutritional lesbianism.

Peevie Juice: I'm not surprised she was upset. Stealing your auntie's breast milk was an act of impudent banditry.

Fred: You think race might be the key parameter? I thought it would be diet, but who knows, you might be right. These things need to be tested scientifically.

Bluntdelivery: Check out the link if you don't believe me, Ms BD. You don't like cow milk, but Peevie Juice (above) says human milk tastes different. Don't talk until you've tried it.
Why not celebrity breast milk ice cream for charity? My perverted ass would eat a whole pint of Katy Perry Rocky Road Mountains in one sitting.
if this takes off it will have to be produced in bulk quantities.....i wonder if there could be a future career for some lucky chaps with skills in 'milking'....
I'm thinking it might be better off going to a milk bank for neonates at hospital.

The milk, not the ice-cream, cos premature babies are notoriously rubbish at holding cones.
How. Have I missed this?

And just...why?


- B x
Mr. Bananas: Hey, if it's good enough for the ladies...

I think Rubbish has the right idea. I'm creating my own line of spunk yogurt, aptly named Cum Dumpster.
Does drinking tata juice by a woman make her produce tata juice herself even if she be not pregnant??.
Yes Vegetarians drink milk Mr. GB, but it's cow milk. We don't see them cows sucking the udders off each other. And if we're doing the whole mammal-breast-milk-thing, why stop there? I'm sure some monkey milk will go down nicely with my coco-pops.
I wouldn't too. The notion itself is weird methinks, you're right GB. Unladylike.
But I dont drink cow's milk either.
btw GB. where do you subscribe your pics from ?
Dr Ken: You seem think that the bodily fluids of a pretty woman must taste good. I'm not convinced this is necessarily so.

Dull boy: Unfortunately they have mechanical milking devices, as shown in the top picture. There's no harm in offering though, some women might like the look of your fingers.

The Jules: I had no idea there were milk banks at hospitals. Are women paid for their donations?

Barreness: It's a whole different world from your one, Ms B. Have you ever held a baby?

Static: If you can't find any buyers, consider re-marketing it as a household cleaner. It might be good for fruit stains.

Runawaybride: I very much doubt it, Miss Runaway, women don't start lactating because of their diet. Do you intend to breast feed your future children?

Azra: Drinking monkey milk would be humiliating for a gorilla, but elephant milk would definitely be worth a try. Would you join me for a banana milkshake, Miss Azra?

Jaya: I don't like cow's milk either, Jaya, but Peevie Juice (above) says human milk tastes different. Wouldn't you be tempted to have a sip? You'd better email me for information about the pictures!
Sure Mr. GB, anytime :)
ah, is that what it is...i had thought it was the smoking implement she had been using when she came up with the idea....
Lactivists are weird people. I think some women become obsessed with their breasts the same way teenage boys do.
I wonder what a teenage boy would if he had his own boobs. Surely the novelty would wear off eventually.
Actually, Mr. Bananas, marketing my spunk as a cleanser is a great idea. I think it might be quite good for stripping floors.
Hah. A post about breasts and it gets a lot of response...
Oh snap, that wasn't meant to be a pun.
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