Wednesday, April 20, 2011

American Pie

I hear that little Jimmy Oliver has been making waves in the USA. Schools in California have banned him from their kitchens for fear of being shamed into feeding their children his “pukka” recipes. Someone should tell them that celebrity chefs like Jimmy are basically entertainers. You can watch them sprinkle and toss over a hot stove without the slightest intention of attempting to emulate their culinary feats. Jimmy is a sprinkler and a tosser par excellence, but British fans who want to taste his food just go to his restaurant. 

The nature of Jimmy’s true calling should have been obvious when he appeared on the Letterman show and beguiled the audience with his cheeky cockney banter. His most memorable quip was that vanilla ice-cream contains an ingredient found in a beaver’s anal gland. Full marks to Jimmy for doing his homework and knowing that “beaver” is a rude word in America. There are no beavers in England, of course, only otters and ferrets, which are not particularly rude unless you put them down a man’s trousers. 

I’m sure Jimmy means well in promoting healthy eating across the USA, but the premise of his transatlantic odyssey seems flawed to me. The problem with food in America is not its quality but its quantity. On my first visit to the country, I was surprised to discover that the restaurants served portions large enough for my appetite. While this was excellent news for me and other 500-pound gorillas, watching humans gorge themselves on this abundance made me feel queasy. When I noticed the overfed diners trying to squeeze their wobbly behinds into their capacious motor vehicles, my queasiness turned to revulsion. The USA, it seemed, was the Land of the Fat and the Home of the Bulbous. 

Not everyone in America is overweight, of course. President Obama cuts a particularly pantherine figure as he prowls across the prairies, announcing his intention to run for re-election. I can’t help wondering whether the lardish folk of middle America resent being governed by such a svelte figure. Maybe Barry could win them over by promising to give them the secret of his slim waistline, which I suspect has something to do with sleeping with a black woman. His new campaign slogan might be “Vote Obama if you want to see your genitals without the aid of a mirror”. 

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, let me emphasize that I will be strictly neutral in next year’s presidential election. A gorilla does not meddle in human politics or hand-out endorsements willy-nilly. I have no idea who the Republican candidate will be, but I’m sure he’ll measure up to Barry in his vital-statistics – or her vital-statistics, for that matter. Let’s not forget Sarah Palin, still wowing her supporters and keeping in shape with her dumbbell exercises. If she wins the nomination, she’d be a much stronger candidate if she divorced her husband and persuaded Hilldog to be her running mate. The thought of two ladies cohabiting in the White House might be just the kind of gimmick that voters find irresistible.

Labels: , , , ,

Stop nicking my blog titles GB!
American portions are great for sharing between a couple of people :) I'll go with Nigella Lawson anytime, but she's bound to make you fat even with a small portion of her cooking.
Never thought of a Sarah-Hillary ticket. That would be interesting.
Then again, it's almost like a man-woman candidate ticket.
oh those americans are a strange bunch...beaver is a rude word, yet 'rooting' - which means copulating here - is freely spoken.....i learned this the hard way on a recent trip to the usa when my favorite pick-up line was met with a look of incomprehension. to (overfed) girl, 'have you ever tripped over a fallen tree branch? - how bout a root then'

(and i know nothing about sarah palin, but i've now noticed she's got a decent rack, - so i need to find out more about her!!)
I can remember eating in a restaurant in New York and being told my meal came with two side orders of vegetables. I wasn't feeling that hungry to just ordered one - mashed potatoes. The waitress promprly brought me two portions. The meal came with 2 side orders and my God she was determined I should have them. The two portions were about the same size as Sarah Palin's breasts in that picture of her at the bottom of your post. If I'd made the connection at the time I might have managed to eat them.
Oh. My. Shit. I cannot believe someone has photoshopped Sarah Palin's head onto my body AGAIN.

Sigh. Having perfect boobs is such a chore sometimes.
Oh, and I still can't find my url, GB. Can you help me?
I have to reFudiate that statement Mr GB. I think Sarah Palin will be of more use to the USofA if she became a stripper. The woman clearly has no place in politics. But then again, I'm an Anti-Feminist, so that's kinda biased yeah.

I think Jimmy's hot though. Never thought so until I heard him say "fuck". It's like looking at this cute little kid that swears.

I've blogged extensively about Nigella Lawson before. The woman intrigues me in a non-lesbo way. Even in her burkini. I'm still convincing myself that I could be her especially with the KK bum and these boobs.
Rubbish: I only nicked a piece of it, Rubbish.

Jaya: Nigella is for cooks who don't mind spending hours in the kitchen, i.e. women. Jimmy tries to get the best results for the least effort, which makes him a man's chef.

Robyn: Hah, I assume Hilldog would be the man in that partnership. She'd also be the brains, of course.

Dull boy: Very few non-Australians are aware of what "root" means Down Under. I only found out after watching Don's Party.

Steve: Your boyish demeanour must have appealed to her mothering instinct. Sarah Palin's boobs could inspire a lot of dishes. Someone should make a jelly mould in their shape.

Kage: Are those really your puppies, Ms Kage? They must make your dog very jealous. And I'd be happy to put my finger right on your url.

Azra: Nigella is frigid, Miss Azra, I can tell that by looking into her eyes. Whatever the anatomical similarities,
I would guess you are quite different in many respects.
you want beavers?

come to canada, we have more beavers than brains!
It's cute that Jamie Oliver thinks he can make America not fat.

And if Sarah Palin's breasts looked like that, she'd be president now. Hands down.
We in the US are all eagerly awaiting a Trump/Palin/Bachmann run-off in the Republican primaries, purely for entertainment purposes and the feeling of intellectual superiority that comes from watching public figures talk unmitigated shite.

Of course we won't find it quite so entertaining when we wake up one morning in 2012 and find that America's largeocracy has voted one of them in as the new President.
Yeah you might be onto something there - if Obama packs on a few rings of lard he might become more popular. I wonder whether Cheney's chain smoking and consequent four heart attacks were carefully orchestrated to gain public sympathy. Or what about when Dubbya choked on a pretzel was that a carefully orchestrated gaffe to make people think he was just a lovable oaf - we will never know.
My mom is totally against the Oliver movement. She says we don't need to be told--that we know full well what's good for us and it's simply a matter of personal discipline. lol That's a southern mama for you. ;)
Obama can beat Sarah Palin's beaver gland anywhere any time.
Billy: Are they a pest in Canada, Billy? Getting overrun with beavers must be a bewildering experience.

ABFTS: You mean they don't really look like that? How disappointing. You can't trust anything in politics these days.

Indie Pop: How could anyone take Trump seriously with that raccoon pelt on his head? My guess is that any man who tried to debate Sarah would be like a rabbit caught in front of a pair of headlights.

Emma: Do you think Bill Clinton let Monica blow him to win sympathy? The scandal backfired on the Republicans and made Bill very popular in Brazil.

Frisky Virgin: I bet your momma would show Jimmy some real southern cooking if he visited her for dinner. Does she have a picture of General Robert E Lee in her dining room?

Fred: Maybe you're right, but I still think the Sarah's beaver gland would win Ohio.
I eat out for lunch about 3 times per week on average, and I am continually amazed at the size of food available for ten bucks. I know about UK Chef, Gordon Ramsey, used to chastise chefs on Kitchen Nightmares about portion control. If they're taking a ton of food home with them, they're basically buying two meals for the price of one.

Of course, that's over in England. In the U.S., people actually eat all that food. That's why I can't sit comfortably in booths anymore, because the tables have been moved too far from the seats to accommodate the hefty and obese.

You're cool. And funny. Why are you so funny?

Peas out. :)
Chris V: I'm glad you've managed to keep your appetite in check amid all the gluttony. Do you take food home with you?

Eeshie: Hello and welcome, Eeshie. Peas to you as well. And broccoli.
I do take food home with me, but many times I throw it out because I don't want to eat leftovers all the time. Truly America is a waste.

Er, truly America likes to waste.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin