Friday, March 04, 2011

The Great Condom Robbery

The Japanese are furious about the theft of a shipment of 700,000 condoms from Malaysia. Apparently, they were an extra thin variety, designed for heightened sensitivity in the oriental todger. I don’t blame them for being upset. You can’t deprive Japanese men of their battle helmets without causing them to howl savagely and unsheathe their ceremonial swords. The perpetrators, if caught, should be publicly sat on by sumo wrestlers until their flesh resembles sushi. You’ve got to make an example of such rogues to deter future outrages. 

I wonder what the thieves intend to do with the stolen merchandise. 700,000 seems too many for private use, even if the gang were all Brazilian. But attempting to sell them on the black market would play into the hands of undercover policemen, who spend entire careers waiting for such opportunities. They must have devised a clever use for them that no one has thought of before. Never underestimate the ingenuity of condom bandits. 

The silliest alternative use for condoms was suggested to me by a tourist from Birmingham, a city in England renowned for inhabitants who talk mildly amusing twaddle. He said they’d be a vital accessory in a naturist resort. 

“Let’s say I’m in a nudist colony,” he explained. “It’s only a matter of time before I see an attractive woman who gives me a stiffy, which would be pretty embarrassing when I‘m naked. Putting a rubber on it would protect me from staring eyes.” 

“It’s not exactly an effective disguise, though, is it?” I replied. “Everyone would know what was inside.” 

“That’s beside the point,” he insisted. “When a woman does aerobics you can see the shape of her body inside the leotard, but it’s not the same as watching her doing it with her tits hanging out.” 

“You have a very sharp mind,” I said, ignoring the obvious flaw in his argument. “I hope you’re putting it to good use in Birmingham.” 

I listened politely as he told me about his job as an electronic organ salesman. 

If you don’t want to use them as balloons or face masks, the next best thing to do with surplus condoms is recycle them. My friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, said the rubber in them should be used to make the gloves women wear when washing dishes. (Men wash dishes too, but few of them are gay enough to wear gloves while doing it.) Rather than hiding their origin, he said they should be marketed as ‘made from recycled condoms’. 

“Do you really think that would be an attractive selling point?” I asked. 

“For most women, no,” replied Smacker. “But there’d definitely be a niche market among the sexually-liberated ball-breaker demographic. They’d buy the gloves just to differentiate themselves from prissy women who think it’s dirty to touch anything that’s been in contact with a man’s dick.” 

It’s a pity his idea wouldn’t work for the stolen Japanese condoms, which have never been in contact with a man’s dick. 

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Lol. Mayb the thieves had picked up the wrong shipment n were in for a surprise when they saw the content. They're probably wondering what to with them now.
I'm with Jaya on this one, it was probably a mixed up shipment. I bet some Columbian drug lord is scratching his head right now asking himself what the fuck is he going to do with 700,000 condoms. Meanwhile some Japanese sex shop owner is wondering what he's going to do with the a shipment of cocaine
So I guess Japan is in for something of a population explosion any time now, then?
I swear i had nothing to do with it!

Although the idea of being called a bandit is certainly very appealing to me :)
Such thievery, make no mistake,

Is outrageous, for Heaven's sake!

I'd figure instead

A thief only wants bread!

A rubber-robber takes the cake!

good for the malaysians!

i don't trust those whale slaughtering japs.
Jaya: Any gang of thieves that made such a colossal blunder should find another line of work. Getting lumbered with 700,000 unwanted condoms is a sign from the gods.

Wolf: The Columbian drug lord and his henchmen might make good use of a few thousand, assuming they are strong enough for the Latin style of love-making, which is far from certain.

Steve: The Japanese are too clever for that. If they don't have condoms, they use the method of birth control favoured by porn actors.

Saby: Of course you didn't, Saby! What use would you have for that many condoms? I think you should become a sex bandit rather than a condom bandit.

Joey: A splendid poem, Sir! It reminds me of Muhammad Ali's finest lines before his last fight with Joe Frazier.

Billy: Yes, their taste in seafood is quite peculiar. If they stuck to tuna no one would complain.
They could be used to make animal balloons for kids parties, circus shows, amusement parks and such. I use condoms to put soup in for easy lunch-on-the-go traveling purposes. Sometimes I forget which ones I used for soup and which one I used for fuckin'. In those cases, I let my neighbors figure it out for me by giving them a taste.
Mmmm, if they're for the Japanese market they're mini-rubbers only. I wonder if they're coloured and flavoured ? 700,000 of them could be recyled into 3 or 4 Swiss exercise balls. They're really popular.
Maybe they were shipping it to the Indian Porn Industry
Too funny.

..water balloons ?
or blowing up and tying to old peoples gate posts ? worked for me and my mates when we were 13 - shame we never had that many for the silver jubilee
Sent you an award. mwah!
Is that the latest ad for Ikea kitchens?
Kelly: Well, I'm sure both type of fluid are good for their health. Have you ever tried making a frozen condom dessert? It could be the perfect shape for a popsicle.

Ayrdale: Swiss exercise balls could be used as a substitute for sex, making them another type of contraceptive. One could market them as a rich man's condom.

Runaway bride: India has a porn Industry, Ms Runaway? I am shocked to hear of its existence and even more shocked that you know about it!

Dirtycowgirl: Haha, did the old people know what they were? What a hoot, Ms Cowgirl!

Duchess: A hundred thanks, Madame Duchess, I accept your award with humble appreciation.

Babs: I believe it's a trailer for Jamie Oliver's 10-minute desserts.
Hmm... this explains much. My bubblegum has a decidedly unpleasant flavour, but the bubbles are astonishing.
LOL at kyknoord's comment and this post. It could be a really good year for the Brazilian and 1000 of his closest friends.
Bwahahahaha. Even if Julio Iglesias decided to lend a helping *ahem* hand, there's no way all 700 000 condoms would be put to good use. But there's always event management, I've been to many parties where there were balloons on display and the market's always open for all those demanding kids.
If those jonnies are going cheap on Ebay, One has a wedding in a few weeks that they would cum(sorry) in handy for!
Queen Elisabeth II.
MI6 hijacked them on behalf of the British Government. They'll turn up again at the Olympics next summer, all inflated with helium. Cameron wants to promote birth control on the cheap.

Needs to make room for more immigrants and asylum seekers, after the games.

The water balloon gag is a good one. Remember in a previous existence dumping a great big swollen one on my boss’s desk while he was on the phone dealing with an angry client.

Watching him go catatonic while it rolled and jinked around his desk as he tried to catch it, sent everyone in the office into seizures. Especially when he finally managed to pick it up…and it exploded.

I’ll never forget the expression on his face as long as I live.
That is just way too many condoms. You mind if I tell a funny story?

I was over at a lady's house on Friday, and we watched "Their Will Be Blood." Right after he (spoiler alert) beats the crap out of that poor guy with the bowling pin, I leaned in there and started vigorously making out with her. She then asked if we should go to the bedroom, and I stood up and announced, "There will be sex." We had a good laugh, did it, and then I noticed that I had broken the condom. I then said, "There will be babies." A million laughs . . .

I guess I could have said, "There will be V.D., but it's not nice to joke about that sort of thing.
Kyknoord: The unpleasant taste may have been a fishy flavour for the Japanese market.

Robyn: 1000 Brazilians might get through the lot of them during the Rio carnival.

Azra: Kiddies playing with inflated condoms would be a charming sight! A good theme for a classic oil painting, perhaps?

Joebloggs: I'm sure Prince William wouldn't use them, royalty prefer the withdrawal method.

Phil: Hah, what a fool your boss was! He should have gently corralled it like a wild horse instead of grabbing it with his hands.

Kenneth: You did well, Dr Ken, making a lady laugh before coitus exercises all the right muscles. Did she then say "There will be a morning after pill!"? I hope she was thinking it, unless you're planning to get married.
Wouldn't take the Tories long to go through 700,000 seeing as they are fucking the entire British population.
Gorilla: She's on the pill, but actually, I kind of want to marry her, if I wasn't deathly afraid of marriage.
You seriously make me laugh. :)

As for the missing condoms: Maybe some virgin has finally found the one and now needs to make up for lost time, but, alas, every drugstore and grocery within a 100 mile radius doesn't have enough on stock for all the time she needs to make up?? Just a thought. ;)
What do you call a rubber johnny with a whip?

A condominatrix.

Rubbish: I never realised members of a political party had that much stamina...or were so careful about using protection.

Dr Ken: She sounds like some girl, Dr Ken! Maybe you should discuss your fears with her.

Frisky Virgin: That's quite a scary thought, Miss Virgin! Could an pure-bodied maiden really turn into a nymphomaniac overnight?

Indie Pop: Condominatrix, eh? I have a vision of Miss Whiplash wearing a rubber mask.
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