Monday, March 28, 2011

Doctor Booby

The manager of the safari camp tells me the name of the latest celebrity he wants to invite to the Congo for a free holiday. 

“Dr Ted Eisenberg!” he announces grandly. “He’s the plastic surgeon who holds the world record for the number of breast operations. Just think of all the positive publicity he’d get for us. We’d be the destination of choice for women with boob-jobs the world over!” 

“You don’t say?” I reply with a hint of scepticism. “How ill-informed I must be never to have heard of the fellow.” 

After later digging out some information about the doctor, my doubts begin to grow. It seems he has achieved his world record by specialising solely in bosom work. Call me a suspicious ape, but I find something rather obsessive about a man who operates on 3460 pairs of breasts to the exclusion of anything else. When variety is so evidently not the spice of life, one has to suspect a fetish. 

“I love the immediate gratification and happy reaction I get,” explained Dr Eisenberg. 

I bet he does – his words could be the mantra of tit-fiends throughout the ages. 

His bosom fixation is far from being the queerest of his peccadilloes. Apparently, the doctor is an avid amateur knife-thrower, believing his professional activities give him a special aptitude for the pursuit. 

“My work spills into my hobby and my hobby spills into my work,” he boasted. 

As a former circus ape who has hobnobbed with a number of virtuoso knife-throwers, I would venture to opine that the doctor is talking codswallop. There is a world of difference between hurling a projectile with pinpoint accuracy and reshaping a woman’s melons. Anyone who thinks that the skills are interchangeable is suffering from a bizarre delusion – the product, no doubt, of unbridled egomania in the doctor’s case. A man with that kind of overconfidence might be tempted into dangerous stunts on safari. It certainly wouldn’t help our cause if a world-famous cosmetic surgeon got his balls chewed off by a baboon. 

In truth, I don’t approve of giving free holidays to celebrity doctors of any ilk. Eisenberg must have earned ten thousand bucks for every rack he remodelled, making him a multimillionaire. The wealthy are conceited enough without buttering them up with undeserved baksheesh. 

I shall advise the manager to invite an up-and-coming entertainer instead, who might amuse the guests with unusual party tricks. The performer I have in mind is Francisco Domingo Joaquin, the man with the world’s widest mouth. His talent was recognised at an early age by his parents, who made him sleep with a saucer in his mouth to develop his potential. He can now insert a hot dog sideways, without bending or squashing it, and chomp it down in one mouthful. This feat is far more impressive than gobbling it down lengthways like a sword-swallower, which anyone can do with a bit of practice. There’s nothing like good family entertainment to win hearts and minds of the travelling public. 

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a knife thrower in a safari camp seems to be a little dangerous to the inhabitants. on the other hand mr joaquin could open his mouth, wiggle his tongue and lure lots of small animals into his trap.
"There is a world of difference between hurling a projectile with pinpoint accuracy and reshaping a woman’s melons." Good point, GB. That doctor's just a big boob.
As your initial image suggests, it is clear that Eisenberg can't resist anything with a bullseye...
His mouth has more than a passing resemblence to that of Moby Dick. Personally I'm a leg man.
Are you serious about his parents making him sleep with a saucer in his mouth? I'm guessing/hoping that's a joke.
I always have a little titter(sic) when I read of the "British Association of Plastic Surgeons" (B.A.P.S). They are looking for a new board member, sounds like this could be the right man for the job in hand.
As for the chap with the big mouth could he possibly take over from Julian Assange when he's done for rape?
Does the doc throw knives at the boobs before surgeries, for practice??
Other than that I can't figure out an association.
Wow Mr. GB... that's some mouth that young man has on him. Must make for entertaining viewing.

Although, some of us females could stand to benefit from Dr. Eisenberg's visit - especially with that darn thing called gravity.
Billy: Joaquin's mouth would make a pretty good fly trap as long he remembered to close it before any bees came long. Our bees don't take crap from anyone.

Robyn: Well put, Robyn. He's one big boob that couldn't be improved by surgery.

Steve: Are you suggesting that a nipple is some kind of bullseye? I think you should develop that concept in your own blog if you dare...

Nota Bene: Being a leg man is fine, but don't ignore the rump. That would be wasteful.

Rubbish: Pushy parents have done worse things than that, my friend. A saucer in the mouth is better than ballet.

Joebloggs: They should make Eisenberg their Grand Bapster. Joaquin would be more entertaining than Assange and a more considerate lover too, one suspects. But I hope he doesn't get involved in politics, it's always a sign that the career is nosediving.

Runawaybride: What a horrible thought, Miss Runaway! Maybe you should wear metal bosom plates, like Xena the Warrior Princess.

Azra: A visit from Dr Booby should be a last resort, Miss Azra. I have heard there are natural methods for the busty girl to keep in shape.
if you do decide to can mr eisenberg's trip to the congo, maybe you could let him know he would be welcome in the colony.

i could think of nothing better than spending some quality time with a man who has had his hands on 3460 pairs of breasts.

(the word 'idolise' comes to mind)
I'm not sure what I'm more impressed with. The man with the world's widest mouth or the fact that you were able to use the word codswallop in this blog. Well done.


The Un-Family Friendly Slut
I’m pretty sure that you hit the tit on the slightly out of sync nipple with ‘unbridled egomania.’ Still, as someone who has an obsessive/compulsive streak myself, I have to admire dedication like that.

I’m guessing that he wasn’t breastfed.
i wonder how many of eisenberg's boobies francisco could fit in his mouth.
Happy Frankie Hippo face there looks like he’s limbering up for a spell of surgically over enhanced boob slurping, ie – attempting to get the whole damn boob in - in one go…sideways.
Clearly Eisenberg's work spills into his hobby and his hobby spills into his work. He just likes to feel up titties and then mercilessly mutilate them with the tools of his trade (the knives and hatchets) he is so eloquently holding in that photo. I wonder how many tits Francisco can fit in his mouth?...but I gather he prefers phallic objects fitted sideways--which although is a talent of sorts--it's not all that impressive or shocking. Maybe he should try footballs, and work his way up to bowling balls, and then elephants. The possibilities are endless.
Dull boy: He probably waits until the women are unconscious before touching their breasts. Would that make him more or less of a hero Down Under?

Lola: You find my vocabulary as impressive as Joaquin's mouth? I am flattered, Lola, and would thrash anyone who dared to call you a slut.

Scott: I'm guessing he wasn't even milk fed. His mother probably spoiled him with pomegranate juice and stuff.

Kage: Eisenberg looks a bit flat-chested to be sticking his boobies in people's mouths. I think he might need implants himself.

Phil: There's no need to be so disrespectful to an emerging talent in variety entertainment. I'm sure he doesn't go around gobbling boobs willy-nilly.

Static: Joaquin isn't such a fool as to put inedible things in his mouth. He'd just have to spit them out again, which would be a terrible anticlimax. I suggest you try putting a hot dog in your mouth sideways before belittling the feat.
HAHAHA! It's just like saying "being a Gynecologist has really helped me become a better lesbian."

(Not me, of course. Just sayin'.)
Don't gorilla ladies' breasts retract when they're not lactating? You guys have to keep them pregnant to keep them inflated. Maybe the doc could branch out to another species. Get grant or something? It might save the species. Doesn't make any sense, but we've got to try something.
"...his words could be the mantra of tit-fiends throughout the ages..."
I wouldn't just draw the line at tit-fiends. It has a definite "all of the above" feeling to it.
The whole "spilling over" situ makes me slightly nervous.

Also, am I the only one who thinks that mouth photo looks like one of the dead people in Beetlejuice?

Strange and yet somehow alluring.

- B x
Bschooled: A perfect analogy, Ms Bschooled, I wish I'd thought of it myself. Even licking postage stamps would work better than gynecology.

Fred: No female gorilla would let Eisenberg touch her boobies. You've got to look like Tom Jones to win that honour.

Kyknoord: Yes, it could easily be the mantra of gropers of any part of the anatomy.

Barreness: I'm surprised that anything could make you nervous, Ms Barreness. I believe Joaquin's mouth has a hypnotic effect on women. If they stare at it too long they get sucked in.
The mouth looks like it can birth a child !
How about I put several large sausages in his bum and sick a pack of wild dogs upon him instead?
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