Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Circus of Horrors

I was very displeased to hear that a snooty Oxford college has banned The Circus of Horrors from its May Ball. Although I never appeared at such minor events in my own career, I resent this disdainful treatment of my fellow circus performers. Furthermore, I coached a few members of this company when they were struggling apprentices, it being my hairy paw that put them on the path to success. Those who insult the gorilla’s protégés insult the gorilla too. 

So what in the Circus of Horrors has upset the weak stomachs of the college authorities? One of the artistes, known as Captain Dan, is a dwarf who pulls household appliances with his private parts. Let me say at once that he is not one of those that I tutored. I never taught trainees to do anything with their todgers other than keep them in their pants. Dwarves being dwarves, however, they often took the expression of their creative impulses into their own hands. 

It’s worth pointing out that there is nothing particularly shocking about a dwarf’s genitals. They are no smaller, on average, than those of a normal-sized man. Yet this very quality makes them appear unnaturally large on their undersized bodies. Women are often caught out by this optical illusion and unduly flustered as a result. 

There was one very bad episode of gnome exposure in the circus I worked in. During a pay dispute with the management, the dwarves decided that withdrawing labour would be a less effective form of industrial action than flashing at female performers shortly before they appeared in the ring. They were right. The acrobat team had a particularly bad time of it, struggling to maintain their composure while executing their gymnastic feats. Those who think that performing artists should not be affected by such things should try it themselves before talking. Forming a human pyramid is no easy task with the image of a dwarf’s dangly bits burned into your mind. The management soon acceded to their pay demand. 

None of the above justifies barring Captain Dan from the Oxford ball. Although some female students might find his act disturbing, they will not be required to perform acrobatics shortly afterwards. If the sight becomes too much for them, they can scream and bury their faces as they might when watching a horror film. I doubt many of them would get a good view of the taut appendage in any case. A dwarf with a vacuum cleaner attached to his knob is only fully exposed when the eye line is perpendicular to the direction of motion. 

The Circus of Horrors should treat this snub with the defiance it deserves. I shall advise them to hold their own unofficial ball on the croquet lawn of a nearby stately home. This will upstage the staid college balls, bereft of penile-towing dwarves and other abominable freaks. As we say in the safari business, the squeamishness of the few should not preclude the titillation of the many.

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Dwarves I guess there not just for tossing anymore.
Oh GB. I've never thought of a dwarf's dangly bits, of its proportion before. Now you make me curious!
Maybe the males in the Oxford college board are insecure about their dangly bits being compared to that of Dan... Proportion wise;-)
I bet the ladies will be more than willing to check out Dan.
It all sounds suspiciously sizist to me. I hope those circus dwarfs have s good union.
Are they worried about the scandal that would ensue should he ever reach the bag?
Perhaps the college would prefer a more traditional circus with gladiators and bitey things?
As a former student in the mental health sciences, I often wonder if squeamishness is at all related to underlying subconsious yearnings... I mean, it would be a conflict of interest (for reasons related to vanity and & the subsequent internal conflict brewing) for said girl to voice her admiration for the dwarf and his genitals.
I don't think I would ever stop laughing at this sight though.
i suspect a few of those dwarfs are really midgets in disguise.

better safe than sorry.
The Wolf: Dwarf-tossing is sadly a dying art. I must be one of the few remaining maestros.

Jaya: You should peek at them in the changing room the next time a circus is in town. I could be your lookout.

Runawaybride: I think you need to do some checking out yourself, Miss Runaway. I assume you never played Doctors and Nurses when you were a child.

Robyn: Maybe you should speak for them, Robyn. I'm sure they'd look up to you.

Steve: Aren't vacuum cleaners bagless these days? I'm not convinced he'd pass through the filter anyway.

Kyknoord: Bitey things? You mean crocodiles? They can't stand the limelight.

Azra: Many girls lack your robust sense of humour, Miss Azra. The slightest little thing seems to frighten them.

Billy: You could be right, Billy. A midget plus padding looks like a dwarf.
it would seem that the northern hemisphere is much more civilised than down here.

such an act in australia would hardly qualify as 'circus of horrors'

in fact the statistics are that most aussie males - dwarf or otherwise - have been acquainted with a vacuum cleaner at some point

(admittedly not in front of an adoring college audience)
How do you know so much about Dwarf genatalia then GB?
upon completion of this post, i am left wondering three important things...

1) are the black arrows drawn on the dwarf's thighs really necessary?
2) did he get his red pleated skirt at the regular gap, or at baby gap?
3) how does one become one of your wide-eyed, wet-lipped, innocent proteges, GB?
That old hoover perve one still doing the rounds of the vertically challenged fraternity then. Thought they’d all been sucked up their own pipes long ago.

Squeezed my fat old python down one of those silly things once during a moment of extreme boredom. Lord knows why. Must have had some dodgy tequila for breakfast. Took an age too, trying to work it all the way in without tearing its cling film wrap. Remember finally getting it all tucked in, way down inside, orange KY jelly splurging out all over the carpet, then plonking down on the sofa to watch the Queens speech with the hoover on my lap.

That’s about the time my wife came in dragging next doors dog behind her. Funny thing is, she didn’t even notice me wearing her new hoover. Just walked on through to the kitchen, made herself a mug of tea, pulled on her new wet suit, threw next doors dog in the spin dryer and hopped up on top. Never even thought to offer me a cuppa. Women divers. So inconsiderate.

Then…just as Liz the second one was getting into her festive banter, she sets it on full spin. Christ almighty what a bloody racket. Couldn’t hear a damn thing on the telly for all the screaming, yellin, rumbling and banging coming from the kitchen, with that bloody deranged dog yelping and barking away inside her knackered old dryer as it juddered and bonked its way across the cracked tiled floor till it got all jammed up in the door frame to the lounge.

Well that did it for me. Anything to drown out that racket. Turned on her hoover in protest and…Jeeezus!, that woke the python up. What a noise. Sounded more like a jet turbine at prelaunch. Felt like it too. Didn’t know those flexi pipes could bulge as big as that. Poor old python was getting himself quite a neck stretching down in there. Just like ‘back in the day’. Even made the lights flicker. I went a bit all gormless, tongue out and stars before my eyes for a moment too.

Funny the things you notice in moments like this. There’s my cross eyed wife, with a snorkel in her mouth, wailing and hollering in her wetsuit, shower cap and goggles. Legs astride her spin dryer that’s now shaking itself to bits in the door frame, gaily slopping the remains of her tea all over my sheepskin rug, and all I could see was next doors pop eyed dog doing a perfect 300rpm Garfield up against the spin dryers door.

And then my wife starts giving me this slow, sloppy wrist wave with her spare hand while staring bemused and somewhat disapprovingly at the alarming bulge in the hoover pipe that’s sticking out of my exposed pinky red crotch. She’d finally noticed me then. “And yes dear…a jolly merry Christmas to you too”.

I eventually won the tug of war contest that ensued between us with the hoover pipe round the lounge floor after the spin dryer finally blew itself apart. Bit of a no brainer really. Didn’t want to become permanently separated from Percy the python now did I.

Had to wait till she fell asleep under the table before I cut the last twelve inches off the end of it though, and an extra inch for luck and safe keeping.

P.S. If there are any serious dog lovers out there reading this…we’re trying to quietly give one away. Not sure what breed it is anymore. It’s kind of longish, greyish and flattish with a distinct curve in its back. Mostly quiet and dopey. Only walks in tight circles though.

Oddities: Tends to hurl itself repeatedly at windows to the sound of spin dryers.

Growls to the name of ‘Bosche’.

Will consider a straight exchange for an out of balance working spin dryer. Buyer collects.

P.P.S. Maybe we ought to contact old Ewok and Gary Stretch here Bananas. Offer to take em both out for a few beers on May 7th instead. Ewok Dan can bring his hoover along as well if he wants. As long s he brings his own cling film though. I’ll do the jelly part. Got tons of the stuff. Long as no one has a problem with orange.
When I was in college, a group of students turned their dormitory basement into a haunted house and gave the profits to charity. In all my years of visiting haunted houses and farms, it was the most creative and clever one I had ever experienced. In fact, it was startling at many points.

Suspenseful surprises would be welcome in a haunted house, you would think, but people began complaining that the haunted basement was too much to handle and the school made them shut down.

There are murderers, thieves and rapists out there, and those are the worst type of people, but the folks that ruin a good time for everyone else are truly the world's biggest dicks.
Dull Boy: I assume Aussie males prefer doing it with the vacuum cleaner switched on, which would diminish its entertainment value for the audience. No one wants to hear the drone of a vacuum cleaner motor during a live show.

Rubbish: You can't avoid learning things about dwarf genitalia if you've worked in a circus. I still get flashbacks.

Kage: No to question (1), they aren't even pointing at the object in question. I don't know enough about the retailing industry to answer question (2). If you want to be my protege you'll have to come to the Congo and dry your lips. Wet lips provoke snake attacks.

Phil: Stretch and Dan like to perform for bigger audiences than you and your wife, and don't like being upstaged by enthusiastic amateurs. Your act lacks cohesion for a husband and wife partnership - you need to bring everything together in one place instead of doing your own things with different machines. I've just realised that 'Liz' rhymes with 'Jizz'.

Chris: It sounds as if a promising act was strangled at birth. Amazing how easily spooked some humans are. Did they really think the basement was haunted?
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