Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Belgian sex strike

I don’t normally pay much attention to human politicians, but occasionally one of them says something that makes me scratch my chin with my toenails. The latest to accomplish this feat was Senator Marleen Temmerman, a Belgian parliamentarian who has urged the wives of her male colleagues to deny them conjugal privileges until they approve a new government.

The first thing about her suggestion that surprised me was its implication that Belgian politicians sleep with their wives, rather than inflicting their sweaty flesh on call girls or rent boys. Yet another thing for Belgium to be proud of, along with Tin Tin, Poirot and Van Dammed. 

Having said all that, I don’t see the logic of her proposal. Why would an assembly of sexually frustrated men be any more likely to patch up their differences in the national interest? If you tried it with male chimpanzees, they would run around screeching their heads off before buggering each other senseless. 

One has to suspect that Ms Temmerman has an ulterior motive. It would be quite natural for a woman in a predominantly male institution to have yearnings and fantasies about some of her colleagues. If the men she fancied weren’t getting any back home, they might overlook the fact that she is no spring chicken and invite her to a clucking party with the rooster. How this would affect the political impasse is not entirely clear, but it’s possible that men who’ve enjoyed the same woman might adopt a common position. 

The problem with the idea of wives punishing their husbands by refusing them sex is the unspoken assumption that men always want it more than women. For teenagers and newlyweds this may well be true, but I question whether it applies to Mr and Mrs Fuddlebutt who’ve been married for 20 years. Middle-aged men fall into two categories – those who dream of food and those who dream of sex. The gluttons outnumber the lechers by at least two-to-one, and even the lechers would rather pester college girls than ravish the missus on the kitchen table. 

Last year, the bridal suite of the safari guesthouse was occupied by the Mellonbergs, an American socialite couple much feted in the high society of Rhode Island. A few days into their stay, Mrs Mellonberg approached me for a confidential chat: 

“All he does at night is lie on his back and snore like that hippo we saw in the swamp!” she exclaimed. “Could you put something in his coffee, GB? This is supposed to be our second honeymoon!” 

“Doping a man without his knowledge would violate our sacred code of jungle hospitality,” I replied. “I suggest you adopt the tactic of the female gorilla and take the initiative. A bit of groping might goad the old bull into action.” 

When the couple came down for breakfast next morning, I knew at once that Mrs Mellonberg had acted on my advice. There was a prodigious hickey on her husband’s face and triumphant smile on her one. The manager later said that she looked like a woman who had recently straddled a man and fucked his brains out. 

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Yup, good advice. Women should take the initiative more often.

Van Dammed? Are you talking about Jean Claude van Damme?
Because he used to make me salivate.
Whatever happened to him?
No disrespect to Ms Temmermann, but it would take a prodigious dose of Chimay Triple before even the most conjugally deprived Belgian member might venture in the direction of her Merkelian form.

Women should always take the initiative, given that the default position of the male is that yes, we're up for it. I thought that was a universal truth.
i suspect most of the wives were already withholding sex for one reason or another.

for the first year of marriage a man puts a penny in a jar each time he and the wife have sex. in the second year he takes a penny out each time he and the wife have sex.

after 2 years he has a jar full of pennies.
judging by the look on mr mellonberg's face i'd say the manager is on the money...
Poor Mr. Mellonberg. Clearly, he was taken advantage and robbed of both his seminal fluid and a substantial amount of neurons. Isn't there some way we can donate towards Mr. Mellonberg's welfare in this incident?
sex and politics are entwined together. deprivation at home means nothing really.
"The first thing about her suggestion that surprised me was its implication that Belgian politicians sleep with their wives..." <-You've made me laugh on many occasions, GB, but I think this is one of your best lines ever.
Those poor Parliamentary wives - why should they deny themselves because Senator Temmermann isn't getting any... in fact, I don't see why women withold sex in the first place. It doesn't accomplish anything. All they do is punish themselves. Any woman with half a brain will tell you that there are worse ways to punish a man, *after* getting what you want :D I wonder what stance do female Gorillas take...
To be honest, if I was married to Marleen Temmerman I would refuse to approve a new government until she granted me a divorce.
Donut girl: Jean Claude was known as "The muscles from Brussels", Ms Donut. I don't know what's become of him, but he might not make you salivate as much as he used to.

Indie Pop: The default position isn't always the actual position, though, is it? That's why the world is full of desperate housewives and men who take blue pills.

Billy: The novelty always wears off, I suppose. It might be a good way of saving in a piggy bank, though.

Dull boy: Yes, the fear on his face is probably just for show.

Kelly: Never pity a man who's been pinned to the bed by his wife. It only makes him feel worse about it.

Jaya: I agree, Jaya, but obviously Ms Temmerman believes it would be an effective sanction.

Robyn: Thanks, Robyn, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope I haven't peaked so it's all downhill from now!

Azra: My females never use sex as a weapon, Miss Azra. If they want to punish me, they just sit on me for half an hour.

Steve: Would you dare to ask for a divorce? I bet you'd be under her thumb.
Better under her thumb than under the rest of her.
For efficiency they really should have got someone better looking to say that.

Just saying.

Yay feminism!
good heavens, GB! what's all this balderdash about 'women taking the initiative'?!

the filth that comes from your bestial mouth sometimes. i don't know.
Goddamn, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
There are just SO many reasons not to get married.

When/if one of my, um... companions?...yea, companions... slows down in that department,I simply move on to another.

No legal fees involved.


- B x
I find that most people who try to discourage sex are mostly sexually frustrated themselves. It's that whole, "if I can't have it, no one else should, either." On the other hand, if someone tells you sex is morally wrong, then you know that person is engaging in some kind of taboo behavior on the side, usually something involving a 19 year old and a rubber hose.

It's a fine distinction, but important.
In politics, the carrot usually works better than the stick. If the parliamentarians were threatened with more carrots in their food, they would crack like caramelised sugar.
Steve: You might not be able to tell the difference with the lights out.

Rachel: Are good-looking people better at persuading people NOT to have sex, Rach?

Kage: Who are you trying to kid, Kage? You love it when I taught dirty.

Static: You sound like a fan of his.

The Barreness: And when the men give up in exhaustion, you can move on to your toys.

Chris: A nuance worthy of a private investigator who spies on cheating spouses in divorce cases.

Kyknoord: And their eyesight would improve as well.
More laughing here.

Um, yeah, her suggestion wouldn't go over very well with me. I've waited this long to hold-out on hypothetical hubby? I think not!

Hmm, either she wants all women to be as miserable as she is...or she hates men?? Something to ponder.
I'm sure your future husband will be satisfied in every way, Miss Virgin.
I am no more a fan of Jean Claude's than am I a fan of Charlie Sheen's. I much more a fan of gorillas of the Congo.
That's good to hear. I'll send you our t-shirt.
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