Friday, April 01, 2011

Arrest of a faecal fiend

The Cornish Tourist Board are celebrating the capture of the cow manure pervert, apprehended in a field wearing nothing but a single sock as he wallowed in bovine excrement. It would be generous to interpret the sock as an ironic gesture, but a more likely explanation is that he forgot to pull it off in his haste to pull himself off. His conviction means that tourists pondering a visit to that scenic part of England will have one less reason to avoid it. I might even go there myself if I can find an interpreter to translate the incomprehensible dialect of the local yokels. 

Before he was sentenced, his defence lawyer tried to confuse the issue by claiming his client was “sad, socially inadequate and vulnerable”. That’s what they always say about dirty buggers who enjoy rolling in shit. Had it been a private fetish he might have deserved leniency, but the facts suggest that he wanted to be watched while he partied with the poo-poo. I agree with his lawyer that he didn’t deserve his two-year prison term, though. As there was clearly no hope of rehabilitation, he should have been banished to Greenland, where the only thing to wallow in is snow. The most effective deterrent to exhibitionism is a frost-bitten penis. 

I’ve never seen humans bathe in manure in the Congo. Even if some of them secretly want to, the locally available dung is too dry to use as a body lotion. In a climate where water is often scarce, animals can’t afford to go around dropping juicy turds for humans to rub themselves with. The nearest thing to the vice I’ve seen is the practice of anointing oneself with ostrich piss before making a voodoo fertility spell. Yet this ritual is only performed by fundamentalist witch doctors if you pay them handsomely. Most humans over here are too preoccupied with making a living to take up hobbies involving grossing each other out. 

I shouldn’t leave you with the impression that I’m a narrow-minded ape who will condemn any sort of unusual pastime as a perversion. In another recent case in England, a young Asian man was fined £50 for stealing a vibrator from an Ann Summers store. Only a bigot would describe this fellow as a sexual deviant, or make the unfair assumption that the item he stole was for personal use. It seems obvious to me that the lad was curious about vibrators but too embarrassed to pay for one at the counter. 

I can’t think of anything more natural and wholesome than being fascinated by vibrators. The amazing variety of colours, shapes and motions of these ingenious devices rivals that of the butterfly family. There is no excuse for stealing them, of course – I would have advised the young man to purchase one by mail order and start his own private collection. "Is that what you did yourself?" I hear you impertinently ask. Yes it was and what of it? I’m too big an ape to be shamed by your childish sniggers. 

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Hahaha...this is not a million miles away from my latest post - dunno if I should be worried about that.
But it also reminded me of this
There are some things to disturbing for words, and his fetish fits that category.
That's a big, unique collection of big, unique vibrators.
My best friend once gave me a vibrator for christmas. I kept it in the kitchen no one knew what it was cuz it looked like a child's toy.
A French Chef with a tall hat. To work it, remove the hat and twist the legs!
If some link could be proven between cow manure and an increase in girth for the male genitalia then I'm sure every man in the country would start keeping cows. The fact there is no obvious benefit shouldn't see this poor misguided fellow condemned as he has been. His life in prison will be intolerable... not least for the other inmates mooing and lowing everytime he passes them on the stairs.
Mr. GB, I've heard of many things in my life, but a cow dung fetish has got to be worst. Even that video on Youtube "2 Girls 1 Cup" (that's been removed) couldn't have been that bad... they were frolicking about naked too, but at least they were munching on their own shit. I guess there are more unemployed people than we anticipated - because clearly someone with a full time job doesn't have time for shit - *ahem* excuse the pun :)
Having spent three of the most boring weeks of my life in rainy Cornwall I can understand this man's reasons for "Entertaining" himself, hats off to his imaginative use of his time. As we all are "feeling the pinch" he probably couldn't afford to travel up to London and use the "clubs" that many of the M.P's frequent.
haha! that last picture looks like my bedside drawer.

i mean YOUR bedside drawer! it looks like YOUR bedside drawer.

ah fuck.
Was he cold. I hear dung is warm. Certainly a plausible excuse in my book.
Dirty Cowgirl: No need to worry, Ms Cowgirl, I must have been channelling you. A man in Tanzania who had relations with a goat was forced to marry it.

Robyn: I wonder if any of them will be worth a lot of money in 50 years time. An antique vibrator could be like a Ming vase.

Jaya: That one definitely sounds like a collector's item, Jaya. In years to come you may need to insure it.

Steve: Are you implying that all men want bigger willies? Surely there must be a few who are happy with what they've got?

Azra: I never saw that You Tube clip, Miss Azra. You'll have to describe it to me. It doesn't sound very appetising, truth be told.

Joebloggs: Yes, there's not much to do there when it rains. Even rolling in cow shit might get boring after a while.

Kage: Don't be ashamed of your devices, Ms Kage. I would be disappointed if a woman like you could get everything she needed from men.

Note Bene: Given that he was naked at the time, he would have needed a dung duvet to keep himself warm.
are there any crop circles nearby?

i suspect he may be a pawn in the intergalaxy dust-ups currently playing out behind the scenes.
I know guys who get slightly aroused by the smell of manure, especially when the cash cattle market goes up a few dollars a hundred-weight. But most Kansas ranchers just tuck their jeans in their boots and maybe splash around in the fresh stuff a little bit.
We dogs love rollin in cow manure. It's nothing to do with sexual deviation. We just like to surprise our pals with a "cop a whiff of this mate".
What an absolute sicko. I could understand it if he was rolling around in Sheep shit but cow shit, that's just wrong.
100% with you on the vibrator thing. they are simply fascinating, - an ode to creative genius.

(ours are proudly on display in the loungeroom on the mantel piece above the open fire.)
Billy: He sounds to dumb to be an alien from another galaxy. I suppose he might be a human slave from a previous abduction.

Fred Miller: It must be an acquired smell for those in the cattle industry. Do they feel like humping a cow when they get aroused?

Figbane: Dogs spend too much time sniffing things. If a dog approaches me I sprinkle pepper on its nose.

Rubbish: Wasn't sheep shit used as body paint by the ancient Britons (today's Welsh)?

Dull boy: They must be a great conversation piece when you have visitors. Do you allow guests to pick them up and examine them?
If that Cornish fellow was is fond of crap, he should simply have applied for a job at my company.
Back in Wales we're fond of our Cornish cousins, but occasionally we're gratefully they opted out of our franchise in the Dark Ages and named themselves after a meat pie.
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