Monday, February 14, 2011

A vulgar performance?

You know what the problem with the human race is? Bad blood caused by cultural misunderstandings. Take the case of Ms Anna Faris, the pretty blond actress who went to New Zealand to star in a biopic about Yogi Bear. During her stay in that serene sheep-sanctuary in the South Pacific, she saw some local men making suggestive body movements, which she interpreted as an invitation to play ewes and rams. Offended by their bawdy presumption, she made a public statement to the effect that Kiwi men were vulgar louts. 

Stung by her harsh words, the New Zealand Tourist Board felt obliged to defend the integrity of its menfolk, denouncing Ms Faris as an “incredible stoned bimbo”. This led to a cycle of recriminations and counter-recriminations in which a large number of stoned bimbos, both credible and incredible, cancelled their holidays to New Zealand. 

The sad thing about this affair is that the men Ms Faris encountered were not making indecent suggestions to her. What they were doing was the haka, a Maori war dance partaken by Kiwi men of all races, involving an extravagant display of arm-bending, groin-cupping and tongue-wiggling manoeuvres. Admittedly, in most human societies this would signify massive sexual incontinence and the propensity to hump anything with a pair of hind legs; but in Polynesian culture, it is merely a way of showing respect to your rivals before clubbing them senseless. Not so different, in fact, from the chest-thumping we gorillas do before having a friendly sumo bout. 

The New Zealand Tourist Board has quite rightly apologised to Ms Faris. Anyone who works in tourism knows that you never retaliate when visitors make a fuss. If a tourist insults us in the Congo, we turn the other arse-cheek. 

A couple of years ago, we responded sensitively to the complaints of a Welshman whose foot had been bitten off by a crocodile. It was entirely his own fault, of course, but we nevertheless made arrangements for his wound to be treated. I even listened sympathetically to his whining as he lay in a hospital bed. 

“What kind of tourist resort allows crocodiles to prowl about in rivers and snap the feet off guests who happen to be using the facilities?” he asked in an aggrieved tone of voice. “I'm not happy about this, Bananas, it's ruined my ruddy holiday, make no mistake!”. 

“You have every right to be disappointed, Mr Fiddler,” I replied soothingly. “Before you leave, we would like to offer you a complimentary tin of crocodile meat so your worthy foot may be avenged. They say it tastes like ostrich.” 

This gesture of goodwill mollified the Welshman to such a degree that he kept in touch with us after returning to Pontypridd. Here is an excerpt from a recent email of his: 

“…It's not too bad, really, my prosthetic foot is made of fibreglass and can kick a rugby ball 100 yards. They call me Footless Fiddler at my local but you get used to the banter. I screw it off before going to bed...” 

Does that sound like a satisfied customer to you? 

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Where do you find such wonderful pictures? Jungle books?
ms faris certainly is photogenic. soon time will have its way with her and the men will pay her no heed.
Maybe the New Zealanders must have watched the Scary Movies and thought she is one among the Maori woman who will understand their dance.
I think I take her side on this one, since they called her an "incredible stoned bimbo." I've never seen the word "incredible" used quite this way before. Nor have I seen those haka maneuvers. At any rate, she's clearly a victim of male something or other.
And was Ms Anna Faris also mollified by an offer of complimentary meat...? Or would that not have been appropriate?
Dear Mr. Gorilla or Mr. Bananas or Mr. GB

I've been LMFAOSHMSFOAIDMT (laughing my fucking ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco).
Whenever I see the Haka being performed I get a warm fuzzy "proud to be a kiwi" feeling
Cultural differences can be so tricky. South Africans get very irritable with foreign tourists who insist on holding on to their valuables during the traditional pocket-emptying greeting.
Figbane: I hire a chimp to take them.

Billy: True enough. I suppose she could save time by wearing a burka.

Runaway bride: So you've seen her act, Miss Runaway? I hope she delivered a few good lines amid all the sexy poses.

Robyn: Did you click on the haka link, Robyn? Women have fainted after seeing it for the first time.

Steve: Hah! You're just as vulgar as the Kiwi men in your own sly way!

Azra: Hello Azra. You may call me "Mr Bananas" or "GB" on its own. I'm sorry you dropped your taco - I would buy you another one if we were dining together.

Nursemyra: I don't blame you, Nursie, it's really put New Zealand on the map.

Kyknoord: That's why I always carry a bazooka when I'm in South Africa.
Oh Ms Farris clearly got it all wrong. The men were making the suggestive sexual gestures to the sheep, not her!!! It's New Zealand for god's sake!
You know the old saying goes when in Rome, do as the Romans, and when in New Zealand do the Haka, and grab your ballsas...
My Mum went to New Zealand a couple of years ago, and experienced no such roister-joistery. Mind, she's in her 70s - obviously they have more respect for the elderly.
I don't know why Faris is griping so much about those Kiwi dudes. All they said was, "Show me your tits." Maybe they were doctors and they wanted to give her a mammogram or check for lumps because they were concerned for her health.

Hey, is that crocodile going to take that guy back to the swamp for a little Valentine's Day lovin'? I see real chemistry between them.
haha, Tourists, gotta love them.

Culturing misunderstandings are sooo uncool.
A prosthetic can be a true comfort at a time of loss.

A hunting friend of mine and Gyppo Byard was so fond of her husband that she had his cremated ashes fused into a glass ball that she wore in her empty eye socket ever after.

Some low types in Ludlow suggested that she should have waited until he'd died but a friendly magistrate ruled otherwise under Lex Despenser.

Here's how!
I heard that ostrich tastes like wallaby, which tastes like...well, crocodile.
gotta love how those kiwi's have a way with words 'incredible stoned bimbo' is genius...possibly could only have been improved by adding 'bro' on the end....
Oh, GB, I am laughing so hard right now. I love your blog.
Sabrina: Men who like sheep don't usually bother with gestures, Saby. Why should they waste time flirting when they can lunge at them without warning?

Greg: I don't think Kiwi men want tourists doing the haka. It's sacrilege unless you're born into it.

Indie Pop: Are you sure your mum can remember what rude gestures look like? Maybe you need to debrief her more carefully.

Kelly: Shouldn't they do a manual check for lumps first? Crocodiles never make love on an empty stomach.

Alpha Za: Does Pakistan still have a tourism industry?

Mr Boyo: Ludlow is in England! Why didn't she just cross into Wales and ask for sanctuary?

Bschooled: You are well connected to the culinary grapevine, Ms Bschooled. I avoid game meat myself.

Dull Boy: Antipodeans are famous for responding to insults with pithy phrases. The proximity of the magnetic pole sharpens their invective.

Frisky Virgin: I wish I could hear you, Miss Virgin. I bet you have a sexy laugh!
He's all mad about losing the foot, but I bet he had some fun too, right? So negative, that guy . . .
I remember the first time I saw the All Black preform the haka....It did take me a while to catch my breath!
I was always told it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it's a sport. I guess it's a foot in this case.
i hate anna ferris.

boo hiss.

she drives me nuts.

she's on point with cameron horse-mouth diaz.
Mr. Bananas, you are the best writer in all of Blogland. You always make me smile. And Haka makes me hot.
Where I live in Florida it’s always the little white dogs whose owners are too old to move quickly and too senseless to not read about the other dozen little dogs that got eaten by the edge of lakes all over Florida that week.

I’d agree with that girl all day, personally.
Dr Ken: The crocodile meat helped him get over it. You can always bribe a Welshman with meat.

Martyrmom: Women have been known to ovulate on seeing the haka for the first time. Did you watch the rugby as well?

The Wolf: For the crocodile it was sport followed by a light snack. For the Welshman it was a surgical procedure.

Bluntdelivery: She drives you nuts? I thought she only had that effect on men. Is she a natural blonde?

Madam Z: A thousand kisses, Madam Z. I'd love to take you to an All Blacks game.

Scott: Well gators have to eat, just like buzzards and coyotes.
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