Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Carla and the mullahs

I wonder if the Iranian regime regrets calling Carla Bruni a prostitute. I doubt it upset her very much. France is one of those great nations where being a courtesan does not prevent a woman from becoming a national icon. The beautiful Madame de Pompadour serviced King Louis XV with great distinction until her untimely death at the age of 42. She was given a state funeral and her mourners included Voltaire, who bemoaned the fact that her life had been cut short when so many decrepit old farts were still living. I remember saying something similar when Princess Diana died, although grief may have disordered my wits. 

Perhaps Carla should have responded to the Iranians as follows:

“I am a prostitute who chooses her own clients and sets her own fees. For some men I charge a palace in the sky; for others just a wink of the eye.”

It’s the kind of stylish remark the French love to hear from their public figures. I bet it would have dumbfounded her detractors in the Bearded Republic, who also alleged that Carla’s husband would be happy if she died, an insult which deserves high marks for ingenuity and low marks for plausibility. It is possible, of course, that Sarko mumbled something to that effect in his sleep, but how would the Iranians know? They certainly aren’t savvy enough to plant a bugging device in his bedroom. 

The only vulnerable point in Sarko’s palace security is the midgets he has hired as his bodyguards. The problem with midgets is that: (a) they are very easy to bribe, and (b) they are small enough to hide under a bed. The Iranian regime might well have recruited one of them as an informant by offering him a regular supply of pistachio nuts, a snack which they possess in ample supply. If so, Sarko’s fear of being dwarfed in public may have exposed his darkest secrets to the Big Turbans in Teheran. Vanity is downfall of all great Frenchmen. 

As a former circus ape, I have fielded my fair share of insults from humans resentful of my fame and rugged good looks. A fat-bellied oaf once called me “a big hairy cunt” when I was having an evening stroll after a show in Chelmsford. As there were no women or children in the vicinity to overhear his coarse remark, I decided to treat him leniently. 

“There is no such thing as a hairy cunt, you fat-bellied oaf,” I said. “The hair which decorates the female pudenda is always located on the perimeter of the sexual organ rather than actually on it. This is true for female gorillas as well as women.” 

His only retort to my anatomical treatise was to make a noise like a braying jackass. I decided to let this utterance pass without comment. A dignified silence is usually appropriate when an effective riposte has already been delivered. So, after turning my back on the fat-bellied oaf, I ambled away leisurely while thrusting my rump from side to side.

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Well, midgets are best prepared to protect his manlyness. That's probably all that was about. And that fat-bellied oaf is not attractive.
wow, he really is obsessed over his height. maybe a visit with kim jong il would make him feel better about himself.
Aside from quite literally laughing out loud at your encounter with hairy-comment man, I must say Princess Diana's death was devastating for me. I always loved and respected her for who she was, for what she had to endure, for what she did for others--I truly believe she was one of the world's kindest souls. There hasn't been anyone quite like her. :(
Does Bruni know that the midgets are actually midgets? Doesn't it depend on your perspective?
Everybody always talks of hating the French. I, for one, absolutely adore them. They are a good looking people with fine women, great culture and amazing cuisine.

And he was right to hire midgets. They freaking terrify me, personally.
Midgets always have the advantage when it comes to a dirty fight.
Ouch! That swollen belly looks ready to burst
I've seen a lot of apes strolling around Chelmsford, but few, if any, have enjoyed rugged good looks. I deduce from this that we have never met.
Like Nota, I've been to Chelmsford a time r two and have yet to see a rugged ape - good looking or otherwise, strolling in the evening.

I should think, if a rugged, good looking ape such as yourself, were to chance an evening stroll, I may have been alerted.

That said, I'm happy to come and verify your self assessment if you let me know when you're next feeling th eurge for a wee leg stretch.

This. Is my new favourite blog.

- B x
That picture just begs me to run my thumb nail down the length of his would need a shovel and a wheelbarrow to clean up those entrails!
As for "The Frenchman" very wise in surrounding himself with ninja midgets..very handy in a fight and it would make you laugh too.
Excellent, not only well written, but the extra bonus of an anatomy lesson.
There are a few folks in the little old town I live in, who should read this post. Maybe then, they might not refer to me in such an incorrect way.
All the best and have a most pleasant week.
Robyn: You mean Sarko's groin would be eye-level for the midgets, Robyn? I'm not sure midgets that short exist.

Billy: Kim Jong Il could teach Sarko a thing or two about how to punch above his height. No badass dude worries about people being taller than him.

Frisky Virgin: I share your feelings about Princess Diana, Miss Virgin. She was a fragrant rose who made the world smell sweeter.

Steve: Carla identifies midgets by inviting them to kiss her navel. Those that can reach aren't real midgets.

Scott: I'm glad to hear you're a francophile, but you need to overcome your fear of midgets. Maybe you should try tossing a few.

Kyknoord: That's true. They can bite a man's shins before he knows what's hit him.

Nursemyra: Do you think he looks pregnant, Nursie?

Nota Bene: Yes, you would certainly have remembered me if we had met. As for the other apes you saw, I'm sure they were impostors. Many humans try to imitate us, but few achieve verisimilitude.

Barreness: Hello and welcome, Ms Barreness. Chelmsford and I have been strangers since the last century, so it's not surprising that our paths never crossed. I currently reside in the Congo, but we could meet the next time I visit England, if it's not a prospect that fills you trepidation.

JoeBloggs: Hello, Mr Blogs. I recall another blogger with your name who has possibly moved on to nobler pursuits. If that fat-belly were cooked whole, his belly would make a fine a haggis.

Klahanie: Thank you, kind Sir, it is my pleasure to educate as well as entertain. The folks in your town should be gagged until they learn to address you with the reverence you deserve.
Maybe the Iranians didn't know how to approach her? No other way to show their interest. No scare of being rebuffed too.

Hairy Cunt! You? And I thought you were a male gorilla
Everything sounds so much more romantic in French... even "big hairy cunt" :D
and and most women shave these days even female gorillas don't like to look unkempt...I didn't know bellies could get that big without having triplets in them
The Iranian regime is just jealous she didn't sleep with them. They are also jealous that she got to sleep with Eric Clapton. After midnight, it's all gonna be peaches and cream. All hail, the mighty Slowhand!
that picture of bruni reminds me of

and therefor - i cannot approve of her for any reason.
There is no way that guy's gut is real. That has to be photo shop. If it was real, he's dead now. That looks so painful.
Runaway bride: The English tongue has a peculiar relationship with "cunt", Miss Runaway. It seems to lose its gender when it's used as an insult.

Azra: Hello and welcome, Miss Azra. I wouldn't be surprised if "big hairy cunt" was some kind of backhanded compliment in French.

JTILIS: I assume you keep a tidy garden, Miss. He does indeed look heavily pregnant.

Static: Yes, it must be particularly galling for them that she gave it away free to an undeserving vagabond like Clapton.

Kara: You are losing your appreciation of beauty, Missy. Men have written bad poetry for a caress of that face.

Dr Ken: Don't underestimate what the body is capable of. Maybe he spent years swallowing pumpkins
and stuff.
Of coarse isn't that the norm?
Sweet Jesus. Now I need to drink heavily in hopes of erasing that image from my brain.

Thanks for the excuse.
Hang on a minute.....why are midgets easy o bribe??

And i know she gets such a bad rep everywhere but i just can get over how beautiful the woman is!!!
Fat bellied oaf looks quite smug.
Perhaps he has recently consumed for himself a little french midget with a side order of big hairy cunt?...
I could probably come up with a lot of interesting things to say about this post if that man had a belly button, but THAT MAN DOESN'T HAVE A BELLY BUTTON!!!
Yeah, maybe pumpkin swallowing. It just seems to be so heavily concentrated on his gut. Maybe he's pretty thin but just had the worst gas ever right then.
Midgets do look taller once Sarko's is passed out on the floor. Different perspective is needed here.

Ankle bitting and knee capping are all in vogue now a days.
I reckon the earlier comment about the mullahs just being pissed that Carla won't shag them is about right.

She is a national treasure.
I would have been completely wowed by your correction about the hair decorating the female pudenda. And then I would have stood and looked at a tree.
Sarkosy looks like he should be Stallone's brother.
I suppose Sarkosy has to put up with her guitar playing. It would be enough to drive me under a bed. And midgets could kick attackers in their shins, a well-known stealth method of foiling would-be assassins.
JTILIS: It's not the norm in my neck of the woods, Miss, but I'm sure it suits you perfectly.

Bodaciousb: I believe Zen Buddhism is a cheap alternative to alcohol.

Sabrina: Midgets are very greedy, Saby, and I agree with you about Carla. You two should go out on a date.

Princess: French midget is certainly a high-calorie dish, but big hairy cunt is like lettuce if you eat it in the right way.

Tattytiara: He does have one, Ms Tattytiara, it's just very stretched.

Dr Ken: That reminds me of how Kananga met his end in Live and Let Die.

Tarf: Hello Mr Tarf! I'm sure that midgets are highly effective bodyguards, but can their loyalty be trusted? In my experience, they sell to the highest bidder.

Jon: I hope she does become a national treasure. I'd hate to see her leave just because Sarko is kicked out of office.

Kelly: I'm sure you would. You've got more class than that fat-bellied oaf and a greater interest in dendrology.

Rachel: Did Sly work with short actors, Rach? I know that Joe Bugner was too tall for his movies.

Madame Defarge: Wearing earplugs might be a more presidential solution, Madame D. A head of state who consorts with midgets under the bed has surrendered the dignity of his office.
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