Friday, February 18, 2011
Bottom fiend?
It brings a smile to my face when I hear of a woman with the tactile inclinations of a female gorilla. The latest addition to this redoubtable sorority is Bianca Revrenna, a 68-year-old “shop girl” with a penchant for slapping the buttocks of her male co-workers.
“I do that to all the boys,” she explained to a younger colleague who had the nerve to protest about a friendly smack of his undeserving rump.
He then complained to his boss, who wisely told him to be grateful that he possessed a posterior capable of provoking such appreciation. After further bellyaching and whining, he managed to extract an apology from Ms Revrenna; but this wasn’t enough to dissuade him from quitting his job and suing his former employer for “sexual discrimination”.
The case should be dismissed on the grounds that the plaintiff is a spoilsport and a sissy. Why couldn’t he let the old girl have her fun? If he felt his dignity had been compromised, he could have whacked her wobbly arse in return. That’s what a man with meatballs in his nutsack would have done. As any freshman law student knows, he who is groped by a woman has carte blanche to grope her back.
When I was in the circus, I remember a clown telling me that he’d been molested by the big cat trainer, a fine lusty woman who had worked as a lifeguard before joining the circus. He alleged that she had sat on his face when he was relaxing after a show.
“Why don’t you retaliate in kind instead of telling tales?” I said. “She won’t respect you until you do. Don’t forget she’s used to dealing with big pussies.”
So the clown stalked her discreetly for the next few days, and eventually caught her off guard when she was bending over to pick up her lucky alligator’s tooth. He promptly buried his nose between her arse cheeks, causing her to squawk like a parrot and belly-dive onto the ground. Honour was satisfied and they became the best of friends.
Different rules apply to inter-species fraternisation, of course. No woman has ever dared to touch my posterior without my prior consent. Maybe some were tempted, but there’s something about a gorilla’s hairy rump that intimidates the bravest of humans. Had the big cat trainer ever tried it on with me, I would have applied my weight to a fleshy part of her body until she agreed to write me an apology note. I’ve learned enough about humans to know that talk is cheap – you can’t hold them to anything unless you’ve got it in writing.
Humans who want to pet their primate cousins should try their luck with orang-utans rather than gorillas or chimps. Scientists have discovered that they and humans share genetic traits which other primates don’t have. Presumably these include red hair and sexual perversion. Do you remember Clyde, the man-friendly orang-utan who starred alongside Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose? That saucy ape was always sticking his paw in places it didn’t belong. And he lived with Clint’s mother too. There is no way an orang-utan would shack up with an elderly woman unless something devilishly kinky was going on.
Labels: bottom-slapping, Clyde, orang-utans, sexual harassment
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Good point GB. The young gropee should have been grateful for the attention, and milked the old perv for tea and biscuits.
How insightful. I must say, Orangutans do always seem to have that smug look on their face which can only be worn by the truly perverted (and ginger).
And I'm always up for being groped. I pretend that the touch is a hug and that I have friends. It's nice.
And I'm always up for being groped. I pretend that the touch is a hug and that I have friends. It's nice.
those big cat trainers are brave! i wouldn't touch a clown with a ten foot pole.
sadly, i'll never have a ten foot pole.
sadly, i'll never have a ten foot pole.
I serve on the Board of Directors for a civil rights organization. The boss is a civil rights attorney. I was standing in the lobby one day when she came in from a two-martini lunch. She smacked me on the ass so hard, I think she hit bone. Anyway, she's still with us, thank God. Any guy who would complain about being smacked on the ass by a woman should be parachuted onto Mars.
i had an encounter with an orangutan at our local zoo during the time when i had my hair the colour of an orangutan.
the creature identified me from among the gawking crowd.
when people looked at what it was focused on, they saw me.
it was odd and funny at the same time!
the creature identified me from among the gawking crowd.
when people looked at what it was focused on, they saw me.
it was odd and funny at the same time!
Recipricol arse slapping is the only response to this. It restores the status quo and must surely add a much needed zing to the day.
The Jules: Is tea and biscuits a fair reward for a slapped arse? You might also get a slice of cake with a bit of haggling.
Hannah: I wish we were friends, Hannah. I think we'd get on like a house on fire.
Billy: I could have helped you with your phobia, Billy. Clowns are much less frightening when they've been kicked in the seat of the pants.
Fred: The smack she gave you sounds excessive. You should have made her practice until she got it right.
Tongchen: Greetings to you Tongchen@Seattle. Do you work for Boeing?
Jaya: I hope you kept a safe distance, Jaya. Orang-utans have a habit of grabbing without asking.
Nursemyra: I hope you find a man with a nose that's up to the task, Nursie.
Steve: You talk a good game, but would you have the gumption to put it into practice?
Hannah: I wish we were friends, Hannah. I think we'd get on like a house on fire.
Billy: I could have helped you with your phobia, Billy. Clowns are much less frightening when they've been kicked in the seat of the pants.
Fred: The smack she gave you sounds excessive. You should have made her practice until she got it right.
Tongchen: Greetings to you Tongchen@Seattle. Do you work for Boeing?
Jaya: I hope you kept a safe distance, Jaya. Orang-utans have a habit of grabbing without asking.
Nursemyra: I hope you find a man with a nose that's up to the task, Nursie.
Steve: You talk a good game, but would you have the gumption to put it into practice?
I have to support the young gropee in this case. He would have derived little or no pleasure from a return grope. Money, on the other hand (or cheek), would be a more equitable form of compensation.
I don't recall anyone ever daring to cmack my bum in any public setting, though I do allow it, in very special cricumstances, in private.
Usually those circumstances involve special outfits and safe words.
Wait.
That's not what this post was about, is it?
Oh yea. That guy was a huge puss. I would punish him severaly for his unmanly behaviour.
Shit, there I go again...
- B x
Usually those circumstances involve special outfits and safe words.
Wait.
That's not what this post was about, is it?
Oh yea. That guy was a huge puss. I would punish him severaly for his unmanly behaviour.
Shit, there I go again...
- B x
You’re right, that guy is a walking vagina.
I loved those movies; it’s been decades since I thought of them!
I loved those movies; it’s been decades since I thought of them!
Or as Clint said to Clyde. 'Go ahead, make my day.'
And which point, Clyde proceeded to grab Clint's head and pushed him downward....
And which point, Clyde proceeded to grab Clint's head and pushed him downward....
I can't remember if was Basil Fawlty or one of the Pythons who said something like: 'God, it's all bottoms, isn't it?'
And then there's 'Simon', the Mike Myers character from SNL, who told people (in a lovely English accent, mind) 'Don't look at my bum, bum-looker.'
Crikey. I dunno. But if some old broad wanted to slap my fanny, I think I'd just smile and dream of England.
And then there's 'Simon', the Mike Myers character from SNL, who told people (in a lovely English accent, mind) 'Don't look at my bum, bum-looker.'
Crikey. I dunno. But if some old broad wanted to slap my fanny, I think I'd just smile and dream of England.
Kyknoord: His arse was probably to frigid to enjoy it, but that's his own fault. He should learn to de-clench.
Nota Bene: That's a mighty fine ambition. My females would be more than happy to oblige, if you're ever in the Congo.
Barreness: I don't mind you changing the topic to your own bum, Ms Barreness. I suspect it needs a good pummelling from a big hairy paw.
Robyn: I'm so glad you agree, Robyn. I look to your moral guidance on such issues.
Scott: I'm glad to have rekindled your memories. Those were the days that Clint and Sondra Locke were an item.
BodaciousB: Very true, Ms Boomer, people were too stoned to care about bum-slapping in the 60s.
Klahanie: Hah! I think you're merging scenes from different movies!
Francis: Basil Fawlty said: "Everything's bottoms, isn't it?" to the American man who kept on talking about busting someone's ass.
Nota Bene: That's a mighty fine ambition. My females would be more than happy to oblige, if you're ever in the Congo.
Barreness: I don't mind you changing the topic to your own bum, Ms Barreness. I suspect it needs a good pummelling from a big hairy paw.
Robyn: I'm so glad you agree, Robyn. I look to your moral guidance on such issues.
Scott: I'm glad to have rekindled your memories. Those were the days that Clint and Sondra Locke were an item.
BodaciousB: Very true, Ms Boomer, people were too stoned to care about bum-slapping in the 60s.
Klahanie: Hah! I think you're merging scenes from different movies!
Francis: Basil Fawlty said: "Everything's bottoms, isn't it?" to the American man who kept on talking about busting someone's ass.
I would draw the line at losing my dignity by slapping a young chap on the bottom. Reminds me too much of seeing if their nappies should be changed.
Clyde stuck his nose up Clint's mother's whoopity-doo and got a snout full of cobwebs from that ol' coochie. Poor Clyde. He was just lookin' for peanuts. I bet that one dude secretly enjoyed getting smacked by the boss lady. He should have given her the ol' stink log right in the whoopity-doo. Dude might have gotten a raise.
Oh man... "red hair and sexual perversion" I had to pick myself up from the floor. And now I have bruises. ROTFLMAO isn't has painless as one imagines. Great stuff as always :D
OMG that is what I do now and act like I have a brain injury...did I do that so sorry...I grab them in the front too....I know not what I do...
Yes, that Clyde was something else, wasn't he? That might not have been Clint's finest hour and a half, but whatever.
You think Clyde's still alive? If he is, he's probably eating someone's face now because they go bonkers when they get old.
You think Clyde's still alive? If he is, he's probably eating someone's face now because they go bonkers when they get old.
Hi Kongy – My My…what a big, overgrown, cheeky ‘Bounder’ we are - and a bit of a secret ‘Bush Muncher’ on the prowl as well, by the grope of it.
I can just picture you on a Friday night ‘Bush Patrol’ - - ‘Brazilian’ Gorillachicks don’t get your banana growing then?
Oh…What a bummer. All that ‘bush dandruff’ up your nostrils too…Eeeeeeuww!!
I can just picture you on a Friday night ‘Bush Patrol’ - - ‘Brazilian’ Gorillachicks don’t get your banana growing then?
Oh…What a bummer. All that ‘bush dandruff’ up your nostrils too…Eeeeeeuww!!
One day I had female co-worker slap my ass. I turn around, unzip my pants and slapped her in face with dick. She like it very much.
Madame Defarge: I see your point, Madame D. Your maternal aura is so strong that they would expect you to feed them as well.
Kelly: He was too much of a sissy to do anything but complain. If she'd slapped Clyde's butt he would have eaten her peanuts.
Azra: Thank you, Miss Azra, I'm glad to see you don't have the red-haired gene yourself.
JTILIS: Hah, I bet you do! You'd better not grab too hard if you want them to perform later!
Dr Ken: I don't blame Clint for trying a lighthearted role after Dirty Harry. I wonder if he stayed in touch with Clyde afterwards.
Phil: You babble like a chimpanzee, Sir. I shall call you 'Phil the Pill'.
Bluntdelivery: I hope I'll get the chance to show you.
Rafael: I hope your aim was good. Making an air-shot would have been a big embarrassment.
Kelly: He was too much of a sissy to do anything but complain. If she'd slapped Clyde's butt he would have eaten her peanuts.
Azra: Thank you, Miss Azra, I'm glad to see you don't have the red-haired gene yourself.
JTILIS: Hah, I bet you do! You'd better not grab too hard if you want them to perform later!
Dr Ken: I don't blame Clint for trying a lighthearted role after Dirty Harry. I wonder if he stayed in touch with Clyde afterwards.
Phil: You babble like a chimpanzee, Sir. I shall call you 'Phil the Pill'.
Bluntdelivery: I hope I'll get the chance to show you.
Rafael: I hope your aim was good. Making an air-shot would have been a big embarrassment.
'Phil the Pill?' (!) Is that the worst you can do Kongy??
How about something like...'Phillis' - or - even betterer...'Phillis the Phallus!' or just 'Phallus' or just....hmmm, what's short for 'Phallus' Kongy?
P.S. here's a banana link from me to you, and something to make you snigger and smirk - and explain where i get some of my 'bush' gibberish from:
http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=cCVnlIUTpg4C&pg=PA107&lpg=PA107&dq=slang+terms+for+pubic+hair+shaving&source=bl&ots=cQTyOWLWeo&sig=I-XsdksUZs-rx9P2CtaAAdKUz-o&hl=en&ei=osFiTZqjEofHswbu3_S1CA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9&sqi=2&ved=0CE0Q6AEwCA#v=onepage&q=slang%20terms%20for%20pubic%20hair%20shaving&f=false
How about something like...'Phillis' - or - even betterer...'Phillis the Phallus!' or just 'Phallus' or just....hmmm, what's short for 'Phallus' Kongy?
P.S. here's a banana link from me to you, and something to make you snigger and smirk - and explain where i get some of my 'bush' gibberish from:
http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=cCVnlIUTpg4C&pg=PA107&lpg=PA107&dq=slang+terms+for+pubic+hair+shaving&source=bl&ots=cQTyOWLWeo&sig=I-XsdksUZs-rx9P2CtaAAdKUz-o&hl=en&ei=osFiTZqjEofHswbu3_S1CA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9&sqi=2&ved=0CE0Q6AEwCA#v=onepage&q=slang%20terms%20for%20pubic%20hair%20shaving&f=false
Gorilla, my penis is too big for air-shot. Any time I pull out and swing, it hit something. HIGH FIVE!!
Phil: That's a very long web address for a very short dictionary. You'll need a new supply of words after that one runs out.
Rafael: If you ever lose your eyesight you could use it like a blind man's cane.
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Rafael: If you ever lose your eyesight you could use it like a blind man's cane.
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