Friday, January 21, 2011

Squeezing sex workers

I was surprised to discover, when browsing through my favourite accounting journals, that the Dutch authorities are planning to tax the income of prostitutes. The public finances of the Netherlands must be in a parlous state for its government to resort to such desperate measures. Everyone knows that prostitutes are paid cash for their services, and rarely provide invoices or receipts. Very few clients will inform on them and their evidence never stands up in court. 

Well do I remember the case of Miss Belinda Swallows, the high-class London escort who rented an apartment in Mayfair and owned a Rolls-Royce. When the taxman paid her a visit and asked about the source of her income, she said: 

“Like a Franciscan monk, I subsist on the generosity of my fellow human beings. They take me out for meals, stock my wardrobe with fine clothes and shower me with valuable gifts. If the office in which you toil were a little more benevolent and a little less rapacious, it might be similarly blessed with donations from admirers and well-wishers.” 

The grey-suited minion of Her Majesty was forced to leave empty-handed, to the sullen stares of the maids, valets and nannies employed in that most affluent neighbourhood of London. His experience typifies the fruitless game of hide-and-seek that the British exchequer has been playing with prostitutes for centuries. I doubt the Dutch will be any more successful. 

Of course, there are other ways of making call girls contribute to society. I’m sure these good-hearted ladies would be willing to do some form of community service in lieu of paying taxes. Think of all the college students who need advice on birth control methods; the bored housewives eager for tips on how to spice up their dreary marriages; the impotent old men longing to feel a fresh pair of titties on their faces before the final trip to the nursing home. A nation that demands a share of its prostitutes’ earnings, instead of utilising their unique skills and experience, makes a pimp of all its citizens. 

If the coffers of the Dutch state are truly empty, they should consider something more practical than a tart tax. The Argentine government has recently imposed a creative (and wholly ethical) tax on breast implants. Rather than persecuting people who perform a necessary public service, this sensible method of revenue generation targets cosmetic surgeons and women with fake boobs, groups that might fairly be described as froth on the dipstick of society. 

We gorillas are lucky not to be lumbered with such problems. We have no need of prostitution because our females give it away free when they're in the season and repulse you with savage violence when they're not. We have no need of taxation because (a) we live within our means and (b) our IOU’s are equivalent to hard currency on the rare occasions we need to borrow supplies from baboons and other jungle primates. If you make life too complex, you shouldn’t be surprised to face complications.

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You raise some fine points, Mr B...
I like pictures of doctors playing with hot womens breasts. In Kazakhstan, prostitutes are paid with goats for their services. 1 goat for hand job, 2 goat for blow job, 3 goat for sexy time, 4 goat for surprise bonus! They only responsibles for goat taxes at end of year which pay for STD treatments. High five!!
What Rafael said. ;)
The USA tries to tax prostitutes as well as drug dealers. I think it's "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

the picture reminds me of the doctor getting ready to do a mammogram...
He asks..."do you need something to numb your breast before the procedure?"
She replies "yes"
He grabs both breast, one in each hand and proceeds to num num num them...hahahaha
good points! happy new year.
If they want to save some cash why don't those politicians take a pay cut. Besides there getting free "sexy time" with prostitutes anyway
Tiny Temper: Thank, you, Ms Temper, I'm glad you appreciate the way I marshal my arguments.

Rafael: Your anecdote about Kazakhstan appears somewhat apocryphal. The last thing a prostitute needs is a herd of goats following her around.

Static: Is he a relative of yours or merely a sidekick?

Martyrmom: Do men really say "num, num, num" when they're feeling a woman's boobs? It sounds like baby-talk to me.

Jaya: Thank you, Jaya, have a happy one yourself!

The Wolf: The hookers are giving it to them free? How did they manage to pull off that trick?
And if they did bring in a tart tax would the MP's who use their services claim the outlay was tax deductable or would they merely claim it as expenses?
"Froth on the dipstick of society" Wonderful phrase GB
it seems to be the perfect service to slap the old VAT on. i get excited thinking of how these girls could add value to my old body.

i read the dutch are bringing in close to half a billion euros with the value added tax on cannabis.
So, yeah, that kind of makes their government one big pimp. Hmmmmm.

Maybe the country could have a cane and a fun green hat on it when you see it on the globe.
Well that is preposterous I wish I could live off the well wishers in the united states ...oh but no I have to make a living sticking my finger in their butt...Sheesh is there no luck for me?
His experience typifies the fruitless game of hide-and-seek that the British exchequer has been playing with prostitutes for centuries. I doubt the Dutch will be any more successful.

Ah, but if I'm not mistaken, prostitution in Britain is illegal, which makes it inherently difficult to track. The English-speaking world is an outlier among Western nations in this respect. In countries where prostitution is legal, such as the Netherlands, it's hard to see why the income from it shouldn't be taxed like that from any other legal occupation.

The idea of making them pay in services rather than cash has possibilities, but there'd be the problem of deciding who would be the recipients of those services. In the US, since Congress makes those decisions, I suspect they'd finagle some way of favoring themselves, and they're getting more than enough on the side as it is.

Your anecdote about Kazakhstan appears somewhat apocryphal. The last thing a prostitute needs is a herd of goats following her around.

This is Central Asia we're talking about. The goats wouldn't be meat or pets, they'd be sub-contractors. What man in that part of the world would settle for a woman when he could have a young, nubile, willing goat?
Prostitution is not illegal, but soliciting and running a bawdy house (two or more girls working in the same house) are. So the Taxman could collect from prostitutes, it would of course require some brave soul to go undercover (pun intended) to establish how much is being charged, I'll take up the job for expenses only.
"...the impotent old men longing to feel a fresh pair of titties on their faces before the final trip to the nursing home."

That was my Christmas wish just past. You, sir, are a mind-reader.
Steve: They should charge it as an expense. Legislators ought to have an inside knowledge of the sex industry.

Nursemyra: Thank you, Nursie.

Billy: That's an interesting way of thinking about their service. One could also argue that it's a medical expense that ought to be paid by the public health service.

Ken: Do pimps really dress like that? I don't remember Huggy Bear wearing a fur green hat.

JTILIS: Be patient, Miss, I'm sure there are plenty of well-wishers out there for you.

Infidel: I don't see anything wrong with prostitutes showing tourists around the Capitol building. They'd have many useful anecdotes from their own line of work to explain what goes on there.

Jobrag: Taxing prostitutes is a job for androids or asexual women. You've got to be impartial and stick to the job in hand.

Francis: Hello and welcome, Mr Armadale. I'm sure your wish was shared by many. Perhaps you should petition Santa for next Christmas. It's the sort of gift that might need some time to arrange.
I suspect the tax on prostitutes is mainly because the goverment hates competition. They probably feel they should be the only ones screwing the population.
That's a taste sound Gorilla..not a touch
"to feel a fresh pair of titties on their faces"

Titties? Really? Either your admittedly expansive vocabulary has finally failed you, or you're being ironic.

And I noticed you failed to mention male prostitutes? Why not tax penis enlargements? Pec implants? Glittery banana-hammock sales?
Ummm. I knew nothing about prostitutes OR taxes before I found your blog, but now I know about both, so good for us!

Hot damn! Now I have another source to view free porn. The Japing Ape! Thank you, Gorilla Bananas. Thanks to this fine photo you so generously provided, I was able to polish the ol' knob and spooge until I passed out, causing my head to crash upon the keyboard.

Those poor prostitutes could come over to my place and do some "community service" for me. I would gladly give them a meaty frankfurter to nibble on if they're hungry, as long as they pass a rigorous health exam.
Ha! I’m going to Amsterdam in a week and a half and I can tell you that the government isn’t getting any of my money. I’m still pissed off that there really isn’t any opiate soup like I was led to believe. They can just suck it.
Kyknoord: Does that mean the hookers are getting screwed twice? Doesn't seem fair to me.

Martyrmum: Ah, of course! But isn't talking with your mouth full bad manners?

Hannah: "Titties" seemed to go well with "fresh", Hannah. Do you have a better suggestion? Your idea about taxing male cosmetic enlargements is excellent - the Argentine government should give you a job their finance ministry.

Whitney: Hello and welcome, Whitney. I'm hoping your last name isn't Houston, because I may have insulted her in a previous post.

Kelly: I'm glad you found that picture useful - I like to have something for everyone in my posts. Make sure your cat doesn't watch you with the hookers - that would be pet abuse.

Scott: Get plenty of Euros from an ATM so you don't need to use your credit card. Cash tells no tales to the taxman.
my suggestion to assure that all taxes are collected is to have some sort of metering system, such as the city uses for parking cars. This would also help pimps in their protective services. When the meter stops the ride over, and by metering prostitutes are charged by time ridden, not necessarily money collected. Sort of like a usage tax...
This is disturbing. If only all prostitutes/sex workers actually drove rolls royces, or owned any form of transportation whatsoever, this might have some merit. Tax those bleepin pimps. They keep all the money. People are ignorant, GB. You're of the better species.
This comment probably won´t go through seeing as none of my others have. I think Nicaragua has something against well-read apes who have no need for prostitutes.
Static is possibly 5th cousin. And my comment not anecdote. The most important thing prostitute in Kazakhstan need is herd of goat following her around. This how everyone know she prostitute. Isn't this how they do things in your country, Mr. Ape-hole Gaper?
Many industries have pro bono requirements, to show that they contribute back to the community that keeps them thriving. I'm not saying prostitutes need to give away their top of the line services for free, but there's nothing to say they can't go to a soup kitchen and give a few handjobs while blokes are waiting in line for pot pie.
I thoroughly approve of taxing the Escort industry through a tart tax, if I had a choice in the matter, I'd much rather offer up my financial analyst skills in lieu of taxation amount. then the govt. would really go broke!
Greg: I wonder how clients would react to seeing the meter running when they're going at it. Would they cut short the ride to keep the fare down?

Robyn: Pimps should simply be stripped of their assets and sent to work in the quarry mines. Maybe a few could retrain as actors for Tarentino movies.

Bschooled: Hello, Ms Bschooled, I hope you're enjoying your stay in Central America! Beware of the snakes!

Rafael: We have very different customs in the Congo, Mr Clarkstain. Our prostitutes carry machetes so only honest men dare to hire them.

ChrisV82: Good idea, but I don't think prostitutes should be working in soup kitchens. Goodness knows what might get into the food.

Alpha Za: You're probably too honest to give financial advice to governments. Why not volunteer yourself as a gigolo for a few hours a week?
Probably true, I'd be a stellar gigolo though.
Funnily enough, the Swallows Defence is currently being considered by my lodger who - hilariously - received a request for a tax return from the Belgian authorities. Like a gorilla, he lives within his means. And some of mine.
I'm sure he will handle them as adroitly as Miss Swallows, milady. If they persist in their folly you should claim him as a tax-deductible expense.
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