Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dog food

Yesterday, the manager of the safari camp walked up to me with a big grin on his face. 

“I’ve found the perfect woman for your harem,” he declared, handing me a newspaper clipping. “A magnificent specimen with the body and soul of a female gorilla,” he added in a tone of ironic reverence. 

I read the report in his presence. It described the travails of an unfortunate Yorkshireman whose ear was bitten off by a stupendously butch woman. She claimed to be the man’s girlfriend, but such assertions should be taken with a pinch of saltpetre. The marauding she-elephant will often lay claim to stray bucks she has ravished. The slender provocation for her assault was that the man had accepted a drink from a barmaid in celebration of his birthday. 

It goes without saying that a female gorilla would not have behaved in the manner of that appalling ogress. If a generous barmaid bought me a drink, my females would be jealous of the beverage rather than the goodwill or affection it symbolised. I'd have to get some straws so they could share it with me, and then rent a large wheelbarrow to dump them in afterwards. Gorillas have little tolerance for alcohol and get tipsy from the smallest quantities. I was fortunate to acquire some measure of immunity in my circus days. 

The woman’s method of attack also bore scant resemblance to the battlefield tactics of lady gorillas. Although they often use their teeth to pursue their vendettas, they never go for the ear. When our females bite, they like to sink their fangs into something meaty rather than chewing on a meagre sliver of flesh that would barely pass for an hors d’oeuvre in a vulture banquet. Unlike humans, we devise our punishments for the sensual gratification of the avenger rather than the pain of the victim. 

His calumny against the female of my species notwithstanding, I decided to humour the manager after reading the article. 

“You’re right,” I said. “She has great potential as a mate. Why don’t you invite her to the safari guesthouse for a few days? She’ll need time to acclimatise before she’s ready for the jungle. You could lick her into shape for me.” 

The manager guffawed at my suggestion. “I’d rather lick a baboon’s anus,” he replied vulgarly before ambling off sideways like a crab. 

The final point of interest in this sorry saga is the fate of the severed ear, which the woman chose to spit out rather than swallow. As it was nowhere to be found when the medics arrived, it was quickly surmised that the man’s pet dog had made a light snack of it during the fracas. I hope this perfidious act of gastronomy will persuade humans to discard their silly notion that a dog is man’s best friend. Not only did the ungrateful pooch offer no help whatever to its tormented master, it hung around like a scavenger for scraps from the carcass. A better quality of friendship would be obtained from an egocentric hyena. 

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sweet - like Ann Widdecombe on steroids, got her number?
did you pee on the manager's corn flakes? i can't imagine that woman even getting lucky at closing time of the seediest bar in town.
Luckily for the man, the she-elephant bit only his ear. Just imagine the state he would be in if she had bitten off his South Africa! The unfaithful dog would have still swallowed it thinking it to be a hot sausage!
Welocome to the world of the more aware dog-owner, GB.

I have no doubts whatsoever that the hound that makes its home here, were I to have an accident, would no Lassie-like go for help but would, instead, sit around waiting for me to die in order to get first choice of the meaty bits.

Man's best friend? The hand you write with.
What a big fat psychotic bitch.
A barmaid who buys drinks or gives them away free to her patrons....?! Where does this perfect woman live!
Class act!
Given her robust physique, I find it rather unbelievable that she is capable of spitting anything out.
David M : Are you looking for a girlfriend or a bodyguard?

Billy: You might think so, but apparently the woman has four children! At least one man must have seen something in her.

Runaway bride: South Africa, Miss Runaway? I've never heard that one before! Isn't Tamil Nadu a closer geographical approximation?

Jon: Your realism makes your indulgence of the mutt all the more peculiar. Does it scare off marauding Frenchmen?

Gabriel: You summarize her faults very succinctly. (I assume you are referring to the woman rather than the dog.)

Steve: Somewhere in Yorkshire, I believe, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. She may have been moved by pity

Nursemyra: Are you referring to the woman or the dog, Nursie?

Kyknoord: Yes, she does appear to enjoy her meals. Maybe she's a vegetarian.
I have rarely felt the urge to nibble upon any gentleman's ear, much less follow through with my incisors. Biting wit is my preference.
The Yorkshireman should be quite grateful that he was merely at a bar and not elsewhere engaging in the act of Fellatio with this woman when he evoked her ire.
Wow. Just the sight of that she- elephant frightens me. Not because of her obesity, really, but because of the expression on her face. She appears insane. I can't imagine how he was attracted to her in the first place. He must have had quite a few drinks, on another occasion, to have hooked up with this ear-biting psycho.

And for the sake of the baboons, I'd keep a weary eye on the manager when he goes around them. He sounds like he's given the idea of licking their red monkey asses a bit of thought. They might not appreciate having their butt holes violated by vulgar humans.
I'm covering my ears just looking at that photo. It would not be wise to cross a "woman" like that.
The lady in question seems a powerful sort. I wonder if the man in question should perhaps surgically implant one of her ears in place of his bitten on. It may improve her appearance.

I also think she ought to get her own reality show, along the lines of'd be a jolly good show!
Yes, it says it all: spits rather than swallows. Not my kind of girl
Madame Defarge: You have better things to nibble than a man's ear, Madame D. I must send you box of our crunchy Congo cookies.

Robert: It is a foolish man who allows himself to be fellated by a tyrannosaura regina. Being blown by a blowfish would be safer.

Kelly: I have a theory that if you spend most of your life scowling it becomes your natural facial expression. The man must have felt indebted to her because she sat on one of his enemies.

Robyn: Maybe you could house train her, Robyn. I think she'd respect you more than any man.

Alpha Za: Putting her on a Reality TV show is a brilliant idea - you ought to be a TV producer. But removing her ear might put her in an ugly mood.

Nota Bene: I'd never condemn a woman for spitting out something she found unappetizing. If you want a woman to swallow, put something tasty in her mouth.
Ogress. I like that word very much. May I use it sometime?
If I had to pick between her and the gorilla, I'd take the gorilla if she were tied up and couldn't hurt me.
Men need to know their place...if I have to bite an ear to let a man know where he stands then let it be I'm the alpha female..but I can't eat it It is against my religion
Yes, but I have heard that at least a dog will wait 4 or 5 days to eat you if you die and it is starving. A cat, on the other hand, will begin snacking within the hour, and it doesn’t even have to be all that hungry.
Mmm, pints of Guinness with Pernod and black .... classy. She'll have a nice time in prison.
You species-ist bastard! You just can't stand the fact that dogs get more movie roles than gorillas even though gorillas have a much larger cerebral cortex.

Maybe if you guys would walk upright like that gorilla in England is doing. I don't know.

that story grossed me out in so many different ways.

mission accomplished, my twisted cousin.

p.s. i need your name and address for the wedding invite. your REAL ONE
BodaciousB: Be my guest, Ms B, I don't own the copyright.

Dr Ken: A female gorilla wouldn't want to hurt you. Maybe give you a few hickeys, but not seriously hurt you. Tying her up would spoil the fun for both of you.

JTILIS: Do you keep a kosher kitchen? I think you're allowed to chew it as long as you don't swallow.

Scott: Can are very finicky eaters. I don't believe they'd eat human flesh unless you cut it into bite-sized pieces and served it in a meaty gravy.

Lady Daphne: I hope they protect the other inmates from her. She wouldn't be safe without a ball and chain.

Fred: I have been offered film roles which I've turned down. Walking upright is as easy as pie for a gorilla, but I'll never shave my rump to get in the movies.

Bluntdelivery: You can email me the invitation, Miss BD. I believe you've got my address.
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