Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Daddy Elton

I’ve just mailed a card to Elton John, congratulating him on becoming a father at the age of 62. I won’t be sending one to the surrogate mother who bore the child – the fee she received for her trouble should be sufficient reward. One assumes, of course, that Elton is the natural father of baby Zachary. As we say in the jungle, he who rents the beehive supplies the honey. This entirely plausible supposition didn’t stop the manager of the safari camp from propounding his own silly theory about the baby’s conception. 

“Elton and his boyfriend must have mixed equal amounts of their man juice in a test tube before giving it to the mother,” he declared. “That way they can both claim to be the father.” 

“Balderdash!” I exclaimed on hearing this barmy conjecture. “If you put rival sperm together they fight to the death. Elton’s tired old tadpoles wouldn’t have stood a chance against the younger man’s killer plankton.” 

“Gay planktons don’t fight each other,” said the manager, clutching at straws. 

I dismissed this outlandish assertion with a contemptuous snort. He who speculates about the behaviour of seafood is not worthy of serious debate. 

How the baby was conceived is moot in any case. Now is the time to consider more practical questions, such as who Zachary’s wet nurse should be. I hope Elton doesn’t think that the most nutritious milk comes from the biggest breasts. That would be a fundamental error. I’ve seen African mothers with gigantic hooters whose milk was thinner than rice water. Yet female gorillas, whose udders look like deflated tyres, can squirt out stuff that resembles a McDonald’s shake. Finding a good suckler isn’t a beauty contest. There’s no point hiring a woman with perfect round dumplings whose milk is 90% water and 10% silicone juice. 

What baby Zachary really needs is a “wet nanny” who could combine the roles of milk-cow and governess. Could Elton persuade a talented woman from the world of show business to raise the boy in a manner worthy of his illustrious paternity? I’ve thought of several candidates for the job, whom I shortlist below along with reservations about their suitability. 

* Heather Mills – good milk supply, but possibly a little sour?

* Tilda Swinton – excellent governess, but milk too cold for a baby?

* Madonna – plenty of nannying experience, but udders too dry?

* Lady Gaga – very good at baby talk, but nipples too hard? 

If none of the above is willing and able, Elton should consider the radical option of hiring one of my females. Any of them would do a grand job of nursing baby Zachary into a fine little Tarzan. The only problem I foresee is that never having lived amongst humans they are entirely lacking in social graces. Could the genteel residents of Windsor get used to a female gorilla prowling through their public spaces, groping any taut behinds that took her fancy? For the sake of Elton’s family, I hope they can learn to put up with it. 

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There are hormones both of the men can take to stimulate milk production. Elton and his boyfriend can both nurse the baby.
I didn't know he became a father.
from the looks of the photo baby zach seems to be growing at an accelerated pace.

i hope he remembers that mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. in fact it's cold as hell.
Part of Wales's planned manned mission to Mars involves feeding hormones to Intergalactic Ambassador Shakin' Stevens so that he can live on his own milk on the way there. We're counting on his being able to barter Embassy No1s (or Regal for the ladies) to obtain supplies and fuel from the locals for the return journey. If there's no one there we'll conclude the mission was a waste of time and he can sort himself out.
Wherever he gets the milk - unless it's from Gaga - I'm happy for Elton. He's been trying to adopt for years. Right? That babe is pretty cute.
It appears you chose the silicone implanted breast to feed the babe in the last pic.
I hope that baby is naughty as hell, just so Elton can have some kind of parental experience since he hasn't carried the child for 9 months and can't even breast feed it. I'm sure he's not touching a diaper of doodoo either. He doesn't seem that hands-on. But at least the baby will have some good lullabies to enjoy ... one can only hope.
Rebecca: Milk from a man? That's the damnedest thing I ever heard!

Marnie: Don't feel bad about it. Most people visit here to keep up with the news.

Billy: Yes, Elton prepared himself for fatherhood by amassing useful advice in song lyrics. Best way of remembering it.

Mr Boyo: Living off your own milk is a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps concept. And I don't think Shaky's neck is long enough to reach his udders.

Robyn: That baby isn't Zachary, Robyn, it's a Ukrainian boy that Elton wasn't allowed to adopt. I couldn't find a picture of little Zach.

Martyrmom: Are you sure, Martyrmom? I though it was a big natural one!

Ladytruth: I quite agree, Ladytruth. These millionaire pop stars want all the pleasure and none of the pain. I hope little Zachary gives Elton a few sleepless nights.
Ummm. Is the baby on the right or the left of the top picture?
GB, we'll be sending Shaky up with the infernal milking device constructed by Col Deakin of the 5th Baluchi Lancers (disbanded). The one that got attached to the wife of the Governor of Hong Kong at a New Year's ball in Kowloon some time in the '20s. Still works perfectly after eighty years in a Shropshire oubliette. Just like Deakin himself.
Zach, that's a good name. Tits out for the boys again, GB? You cannot help yourself, you incorrigible ape.

Do you set the word verification too? "handplums"
When I was breastfeeding I could shoot milk from one end of the dining table into a coffee cup at the other end.

Obviously I was also slightly bored and with a lot of time on my hands
A word of caution: the best time to wean the baby from nursing is when you see teeth marks.
Steve: Everyone is someone's baby, even Mick Jagger.

Mr Boyo: Let's hope Shaky doesn't get too fond of having his nipples squeezed. Refrigeration space is tight on a spaceship.

Lady Daphne: Breastfeeding is a wholesome natural activity, milady. It's tits without titillation.

Nursemyra: That's amazing, Nursie, you must have had a great supply. Did you have strict rules about who could drink it?

Static: I'm not taking your word for that unless you can produce a quote from a wet nurse. I suspect the lactating boob is more robust than you think.
Oh yes, I remember that story. I was shocked they wouldn't allow him to adopt that baby. Well, I'm sure his babe is just as cute - so long as he's not trying to drink from Gaga's breasts.
I could see Elton having one of his female friends "pump and dump" some milk, and then him rigging up some strap-on titties and milking his son with the borrowed milk.

I think it would make a good music video. I volunteer to direct it. And taste the milk.
I suggest he consider asking Parliament to help. Plenty of tits there.
@ Señor Bananas - A very naughty Wet Nurse: "The lactating boob is more robust than you think. But it generally makes a difference when: a) the offender is over the age of 18 and, b) few, if any, teeth are involved."

There. Happy now?
That nipple appears to be dark brown in color. The boob itself seems too large. I fear that the baby will be crushed by this brown nippled boob. Should I be concerned?

How about Snooki as a candidate to breast feed the little rugrat? Of course, you may be risking the mental capacity of the baby's brain by allowing it to suckle "retarded milk" from Snooki.

What about Elton's saggy old breasts?
I don't know man, I haven't seen Elton in public much this past year till the baby thing, so maybe he did carry it for nine months and birth it through his mangina. Heh I wonder who'll have the bigger tantrums, Elton or the kid?
Thanks a lot!!!!
For me is always been a challenge to test the website on different browsers with different platforms, but this list of links made it all easy….
NIce post
What a funky blog! I love it! Allow me to offer you my felicitations. =)
Mr Bananas, thought provoking as always :)
Oh and just caught up on your previous posts, hope you had a lovely trip and a great time in London!

Robyn: You're talking as if you have inside knowledge of Gaga's boobies, Robyn. Her milk isn't poisonous, is it?

Dr Ken: You want to taste the milk too? Well, well, aren't you the adventurous type. How about having it with breakfast cereal?

Kyknoord: But possibly too big ones for a baby.

Static: Interesting quote, but it seems to lack bite. Does she only suckle the toothless or not?

Kelly: I didn't know who Snooki was, so thanks for alerting me to her existence. Judging from her pictures, I would guess that her titty juice is marginally more appetizing that anything Elton could produce.

Tony: Elton stopped having tantrums at the age of 44 and his mangina leads to a dark, infertile place.

Arse Poetica: Thank you, Ms Poetica, I hope you are truly funked out!

CSR: Thank you, Val, I enjoyed my holiday immensely.
Ok, so you’re saying that sperm are like Chinese fighting fish? I’d love to see that, if we could magnify the whole epic battle to 10K times by watching it on a microscope/HDTV. It would be just like the battle of Normandy only spermier.

I’m pretty sure that cartilage is what would come out of Madonna’s breast.
I tried to locate a sperm war video on You Tube, but all I found was a stupid pop video. If you get a microscope you can set up a battle for yourself. All you need is a couple of donors.
Good grief! That boob is enormous! How on earth does that baby breathe?!

I once went to an Ann Summers party with a friend. She picked out a bra in her size and I could fit the damned thing on my head!

Life is so unfair...
More than a handful is a waste, Ms Temper.
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