Monday, January 31, 2011
Balls of Sheen, Jizz of Becks
A tourist at the safari guesthouse speculates about the size of Charlie Sheen’s testicles.
“I’m guessing they’re bigger than golf balls,” he says.
The evidence he offers for this conjecture is a news report about a weekend the actor spent in Las Vegas, where he allegedly copulated with prostitutes on a revolving-door basis. I tell the tourist that such feats of debauchery, although impressive in their own terms, do not amount to conclusive proof.
“The source you cite mentions that Mr Sheen was ‘coked out of his head’,” I point out. “The aphrodisiac effect of that narcotic might enable a man with gonads the size of grapes to spend a weekend skewering whores.”
“You could be right,” agrees the tourist, “but without big balls he’d be firing blanks pretty soon. I guess you gorillas don’t have to worry about that.”
“We conserve our ammunition and try to make every shot count,” I reply modestly, resisting the temptation to boast or exaggerate. “The animals with the biggest ones in relation to bodyweight are a species of grasshopper. They enable the male to impregnate scores of females in a frenetic spree of hop-on, hop-off action.”
“Grasshoppers!” exclaims the tourist. “Who’d have thunk it? I’ll remember not to keep them as pets so I don’t get an inferiority complex!”
“You could eat them to get a superiority complex,” I suggest.
I later regret having discussed the issue of ball-size with the tourist. Although one should always be civil to guests, there’s no need to feed their delusions about the importance of a well-packed scrotum. For, as we say in the jungle, the proof of the bollock lies in the potency of its seed.
One man who has no deficiency in this regard is Mr Becks, having recently impregnated Victoria Spice for the fourth time. This happy news was greeted with joyous celebrations in the African bush – the elephants blew their trumpets; the rhinos swished their horns; the crocodiles thrashed their tails against the rumps of lounging hippos.
My females did their “squat-and-grunt” dance, offering prayers that the new arrival would emerge from the orifice that Nature intended, rather than being surgically extracted in the manner of its siblings. We gorillas are traditionalists on the question of childbirth, believing that a baby should come out the same way it got in. While it’s true that Victoria’s figure is not ideal for squeezing them through the birth canal, there are ways of preparing her for the required exertions. A tub of Vaseline and a zucchini can achieve great things in the right hands.
What I admire most about Victoria is the way she always manages to get knocked up when some floozy is claiming to have slept with her husband. It’s as if a sixth sense tells her when her marriage is under threat, prompting her to jump on Mr Becks while he’s doing the junior crossword puzzle. I don’t for one minute believe the scurrilous tales of infidelity in the gutter press, but it’s nice to see a wife who knows how to remind her man where his virile juices belong.
Labels: big balls, Charlie Sheen, natural childbirth, Victoria Spice
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Sheen makes more than a million bucks per episode at that (blow) job of his. Apparently, Becks also has a bob or two in the bank.
I don't know how many coffers Charlie is filling (pros don't issue receipts), but at least Beckham knows posh when he sees it.
Now, if we were to Tottenham that all up... I guess, um, balls are as balls do. Or some such shite.
At least Becks ain't in rehab.
I don't know how many coffers Charlie is filling (pros don't issue receipts), but at least Beckham knows posh when he sees it.
Now, if we were to Tottenham that all up... I guess, um, balls are as balls do. Or some such shite.
At least Becks ain't in rehab.
That is the age old question? Does ball size matter? I being a woman that has seen many balls in her line of work...no I'm not a prostitute I'm a nurse although I might have seen more vagina's than the average prostitute....
I believe ball size matters so next time I am out fishing I will be sure to pick up some grasshoppers and investigate for my self...
Now victoria is going to have to eat...I'm just saying
I believe ball size matters so next time I am out fishing I will be sure to pick up some grasshoppers and investigate for my self...
Now victoria is going to have to eat...I'm just saying
Interesting about the grasshopper's balls. Sheen seems to be at his happiest when his balls are in a constant state of being drained. He's got some real issues going on with his lifestyle. It wouldn't surprise me to hear news about him overdosing one of these days while having a threesome.
Yeah, I think Victoria feels a little threatened and hops on Mr. Becks' meatpole whenever she feels jealous or whatever. She's quite a gal. lol.
Yeah, I think Victoria feels a little threatened and hops on Mr. Becks' meatpole whenever she feels jealous or whatever. She's quite a gal. lol.
Let's hope your guest doesn't decide to follow your advice to the extreme and tuck into Charlie Sheen. I can't imagine he'd have much nutritional value.
Steve: How you do know it wasn't already bent?
Francis: I've only seen snippets of the show Sheen stars in. It seemed a bit tame, although Charlie made a few good facial expressions. I suppose all the hookers must watch it out of loyalty to their leading patron.
JTILIS: Do big-balled men have different personalities, Miss JTILIS? Are they more bullish than average?
Kelly: I give Sheen credit for not caring what people think about him, but he must be pretty bored with life to party in the way he does. Victoria has the cunning of a vixen.
Robyn: Hah, Robyn, I would have guessed you weren't his fan! Do you think he has issues with his mother?
Kyknoord: Charlie's flesh is so contaminated that he'd be safe on an island full of cannibals.
Francis: I've only seen snippets of the show Sheen stars in. It seemed a bit tame, although Charlie made a few good facial expressions. I suppose all the hookers must watch it out of loyalty to their leading patron.
JTILIS: Do big-balled men have different personalities, Miss JTILIS? Are they more bullish than average?
Kelly: I give Sheen credit for not caring what people think about him, but he must be pretty bored with life to party in the way he does. Victoria has the cunning of a vixen.
Robyn: Hah, Robyn, I would have guessed you weren't his fan! Do you think he has issues with his mother?
Kyknoord: Charlie's flesh is so contaminated that he'd be safe on an island full of cannibals.
Is it the balls which matter or the dick?
Even I don't believe the thing about the Beckhams. I just think theirs is the example of FamilyPlanning gone awry.
Even I don't believe the thing about the Beckhams. I just think theirs is the example of FamilyPlanning gone awry.
You know i never really thought about it but you are soo right, Apeman! She actually does get knocked up whenever some scandal comes up. I swear she should just dump the manwhore!
p/s : Do you eat grasshoppers, GB?
p/s : Do you eat grasshoppers, GB?
I believe there is a direct correlation in the great apes when it comes to the average size of testicles and the promiscuity of females.
Lady chimps, who are not known to be particularly fussy when it comes to gentlemen callers (having more important things on their minds), mean that the chaps must produce quite a lot of baby gravy to compete with other suitors . . . er . . . previous deposits. This means that they have the biggest testicles of the great apes.
Gorillas, the ladies being far more picky over their chaps, usually just sticking to one male per group of females (more power to you, GB) have the smallest nut size as they don't need to produce gallons of the stuff. Quality over quantity you see.
Humans are midway between chimps and gorillas in terms of hackey-sack size. We can draw our own conclusions from this, but arguably, monogamy is seriously called into question.
Also, I haven't eaten grasshoppers, but locusts taste all right.
Lady chimps, who are not known to be particularly fussy when it comes to gentlemen callers (having more important things on their minds), mean that the chaps must produce quite a lot of baby gravy to compete with other suitors . . . er . . . previous deposits. This means that they have the biggest testicles of the great apes.
Gorillas, the ladies being far more picky over their chaps, usually just sticking to one male per group of females (more power to you, GB) have the smallest nut size as they don't need to produce gallons of the stuff. Quality over quantity you see.
Humans are midway between chimps and gorillas in terms of hackey-sack size. We can draw our own conclusions from this, but arguably, monogamy is seriously called into question.
Also, I haven't eaten grasshoppers, but locusts taste all right.
If Victoria jumped Becks every time he cheated she'd have birthed several football teams by now.
"junior crossword".... haha... I love it
"junior crossword".... haha... I love it
Runaway bride: They both matter, Miss Runaway. One is no good without the other. Remember that when you're choosing a husband.
Billy: Is blue balls really a medical condition? It sounds more like a fashion statement.
Sabrina: Yes, Saby, I do eat grasshoppers. And pussy too, when I'm in the mood. How have you been keeping, you sexy minx?
The Jules: That's what the biologists say, but I find that ball size depends on the type of nuts you eat.
BodaciousB: Thank you, Ms BB. I'm amassing a lexicon of reproductive metaphors.
Nursemyra: Everyone assumes he's cheating, Nursie, but somehow I don't quite believe it. I don't think he's capable of lying convincingly.
Billy: Is blue balls really a medical condition? It sounds more like a fashion statement.
Sabrina: Yes, Saby, I do eat grasshoppers. And pussy too, when I'm in the mood. How have you been keeping, you sexy minx?
The Jules: That's what the biologists say, but I find that ball size depends on the type of nuts you eat.
BodaciousB: Thank you, Ms BB. I'm amassing a lexicon of reproductive metaphors.
Nursemyra: Everyone assumes he's cheating, Nursie, but somehow I don't quite believe it. I don't think he's capable of lying convincingly.
It doesn't matter how big your cajones are, but how fast and how many times they can reload.
What's he got to pay hookers for if he's making all that money, and is that famous?
What's he got to pay hookers for if he's making all that money, and is that famous?
I reckon he does, GB - the ex wives, mother, sister, aunts and female gender in general. He probably has issues with his father too, but that's not nearly as relevant.
xoRobyn
xoRobyn
I'm really glad you found my blog, so I could come over here and read yours! Love it! Must follow! :)
P.S. LOVED the frustrated monster comment you left on my blog...got me to thinking twice about that monster, actually. ;)
P.S. LOVED the frustrated monster comment you left on my blog...got me to thinking twice about that monster, actually. ;)
I reckon it doesn't matter how large the size of one's seed sack is, because one good ejaculation is all you need to empty the canister. I'd wager smaller balls may be a better thing to have, as their refill time is lessened because there is less volume to replenish. It's basic geometry, really. School age kids can replicate it with a bowl and some vanilla pudding.
Skewering!! Hahahahhaa.
You got a way with words, Gorilla. I'm quite sure your balls put Charlie's to shame. Then again, he is shaming himself in most every way with or without your balls
You got a way with words, Gorilla. I'm quite sure your balls put Charlie's to shame. Then again, he is shaming himself in most every way with or without your balls
Greg: That's a very good question. Maybe he wants women who'll only visit him when he's horny.
Robyn: Maybe his aunts pinched his cheek too hard when he was a boy.
Frisky Virgin: Hello and welcome, Miss Virgin! I hope we'll have many more interesting discussions about your monster.
ChrisV: Yeah, what good is having big balls if takes a week to fill them up? You need a full semen tank to really be raring to go.
Dr Ken: Thank you, Dr Ken, I'll pass on your compliment to my balls, although I doubt they'd want to meet Charlie. They don't like men with crazy eyes.
Kara: London's public transport system has never been so flattered, Missy. You must have visited in a good week.
Robyn: Maybe his aunts pinched his cheek too hard when he was a boy.
Frisky Virgin: Hello and welcome, Miss Virgin! I hope we'll have many more interesting discussions about your monster.
ChrisV: Yeah, what good is having big balls if takes a week to fill them up? You need a full semen tank to really be raring to go.
Dr Ken: Thank you, Dr Ken, I'll pass on your compliment to my balls, although I doubt they'd want to meet Charlie. They don't like men with crazy eyes.
Kara: London's public transport system has never been so flattered, Missy. You must have visited in a good week.
I just noticed that you managed to find a pic of Charlie icing down his overworked balls with a can of beer.
Isn't it the case that balls produce the swimmers, but the prostate gland produces the liquid?
So for effect, I guess a bigger prostate would be more relevant than big cojones.
So for effect, I guess a bigger prostate would be more relevant than big cojones.
Dr Ken: Either that or he's trying to hide something.
Monoi: But doesn't the prostate swell with age? If big ones produce more, old men must be more frequent ejaculators than commonly believed.
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Monoi: But doesn't the prostate swell with age? If big ones produce more, old men must be more frequent ejaculators than commonly believed.
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