Sunday, December 19, 2010

Scrabble subterfuge

Humans often remark upon my extraordinary vocabulary. “What’s your secret?” they ask. The answer is that I used to play Scrabble in my circus days. Initially with the clowns, who taught me only dirty words, but later with my mentor Dr Whipsnade, who exposed me to a broader lexicon. I do not play much in the jungles of the Congo, where word games are viewed as a sissy pastime, but in a few days time I shall be visiting London for the holiday season. It is there that I am scheduled to play a friendly game with the world champion. 

Some of you may not be aware that Scrabble has a world champion. The current holder of the title is a transvestite called Mikki Nicholson, who wears a pink wig. I do not expect to win, even though I am an accomplished player who could beat the pants off most humans. A gorilla’s pride can bear defeat to a world champion. 

I asked Dr Whipsnade to arrange the game as a means of enlisting Mikki in a noble cause. I hope to persuade her to apply for a job as a Playboy Bunny at the club that will open in London next year. My sources tell me that Mikki has all the required skills for the job, being attractive, polite, friendly and able to balance drinks on a tray. If they turn her down for the position (as we expect), we will sue Hef for unlawful discrimination. Our intention is to win punitive damages that will substantially lighten the silk-lined elephant scrotum that Hef uses for a money pouch. 

Please don’t think that I’ve hatched this plot because I’ve got it in for Hef. On the contrary, I have his best interests at heart. Hef, you see, is a man who has grown accustomed to making a gigantic anus of himself. The older he gets, the more anus-like he becomes. If he continues on his current path, he will be all anus and no cheeks. This will make him the terrestrial equivalent of a black hole, sucking passing bodies into his vortex and transporting them to the parallel universe inside The Playboy Mansion. Only by draining the anus of its cash supply will it be sapped of its lethal power, allowing Hef to live out his final years in dignity and peace. 

To prove that I’m not motivated by malice, I am sending Hef a Christmas present he will surely appreciate. It is a new version of the Kama Sutra without the famous drawings of sex positions. As Hef is only capable of getting into those positions with the aid of a harness, it should not diminish the practical value of the gift. He will be able to absorb its timeless wisdom without constantly revisiting the dirty pictures like a randy old goat. 

Let us never forget that the Kama Sutra was originally intended to provide “advice for a courtly gentleman on how to live a well-rounded life”. As Hef will shortly learn, there’s more to being well-rounded than imitating an anus. 

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Being Welsh means always winning at Scrabble, as long as you're able to cheat. How much does Gwynhwysig score? Still, we have the handicap of no "z"s, unless you read the novels of Daniel Owen.
This was an incredibly awesome blog to read whilst drunk. Good job.

And yes, while Heff is in fact an anus, he is an anus that brings us very pretty girls.

I think we need to balance the pros and cons here.
All anus and no cheeks. Now that's something you don't see everyday.
Right now I'm in dubio whether I should send dear old Hef some luxury toilet paper or an inflatable butt plug as a Christmas present.
Hmm... decisions, decisions.

I know one thing, though. I’d rather have a scandalous, pornographic sex book than a text-only, life handbook.
Do you think it is the Tranny that gave Scrabble the sissy reputation among Gorillas and other gamers?

What more manly game do Gorillas play? PLEASE tell me it's Cage Fighting. I would kill to see a gorilla execute a triangle choke.
A Playboy Club in THIS day and age?? You are kidding me! Who are they going cajole into wearing a bunny costume, Sheila Vogel?

I blogged about Hefner being a cliché over a year ago. He seems too senile to recognize what a joke he has become.
Wow, this was a good story! Am glad for equal rights - and she only learnt to play 5 years ago! Shows how one shouldn't discriminate; being unemployed doesn't necessarily reflect one's lack of talents, perhaps.
Hef is merely a pathetic example of how to score bimbos with a really big wallet.

I hope you get a triple word score or two, in your scrabble game (or other setting), GB. xo
Go Mikki!!!
Indeed. Without bum cheeks it is impossible to be rounded at all.
mikki needs a stylist!
Mr Boyo: That's why the Welsh aren't welcome in English Scrabble societies. Some forms of apartheid are necessary to maintain good order.

Hannah: Thanks, Hannah! My posts are carefully crafted to earn the appreciation of the inebriated. I wish those pretty girls would put their arms around you instead of Hef.

Donut girl: Either gift would be perfect, Ms Donut. And I would certainly give you the uncensored version of the Kama Sutra. I've never doubted that you were a woman of healthy appetites.

Dr Ken: I think not, Dr Ken, very few apes have even heard of Mikki. We would never describe our games as "manly". "Apely" perhaps. They tend to involve climbing, chasing or spanking.

Robert: It's pathetic, isn't it? There is no reason on Earth to find rabbit ears on a woman sexy. Unless, perhaps, your name is Bugs Bunny.

Jane: Hello and welcome, Jane! I agree entirely that unemployed transsexuals deserve a fair crack of the whip.

Robyn: Thank you kindly, Robyn. I'll think of you when I'm fiddling with my tiles. If only Yiddish words were allowed...

Nursemyra: I hope your encouragement refers to her forthcoming battle against Hef, Nursie.

Steve: Although, sadly, a lot of human cheeks have lost their rotundity.

Jaya: Really? What kind of look do you think would suit her?
The January 2011 issue of Playboy has Pam Anderson on the cover. Again! Hey, I love Pam, but damn.

My W.O.W. button points to your site this week. Thanks for hanging around out here.
make sure you take a picture of the finished board. I LOVE Scrabble or ANY version of word games!

good luck with your game and your endeavor to convince Mikki to apply for a job
Tranvestites do hv an exaggerated style sense but mikki could do without the pink hair. Guess that's just stating the obvious.
i'd pay $25 to switch places with hef for 10 minutes. better make that 15 minutes, i'm getting older.
I have seen some nature shows with apes doing a great deal of "spanking." Like humans, they are blessed with those opposable thumbs. Spank away!

Are there any poo throwing games because I've seen a lot of that going on too
Good luck beating the tranny in the Scrabble Championship Game. I hear the prize this year will be the much treasured "Golden Dildo Award".

I always thought Hugh Heffner resembled one of those droopy faced dogs, Shar Peis, rather than an anus.

I almost feel sorry (but not quite) for the women that Hef fucks nowadays. It can't be all that dandy for them. His body, after all, likely resembles a pale mass of bony prune flesh with a saggy, depleted bundle of man junk for genitalia. I'm sure the girls take comfort in the fact that he takes care of them, monetarily, in turn, for their sexual sacrifices.

But still... yuck.
Fred: Yes, having Pammy on the cover again sounds like too much of a good thing. One could argue that Pammy herself is too much of a good thing.

Martyrmom: Thank you, Martyrmom. I hope we'll have a friendly game ourselves, one day.

Jaya: Ah, so you think her hair is too loud. I'll suggest a jet black wig when I meet her.

Billy: You'd better allow ten more minutes for getting out of Hef's long johns.

Ken: Poo throwing is something chimps do to entertain humans. In the wild, they spend more time piss dodging. Being an ape means getting pissed on by monkeys from a great height.

Kelly: If I ever won a golden dildo, I would melt it down to make golden butt plugs. Maybe Hef rubs cash over his body to make smell more attractive to the playmates. Letting them close their eyes is another tactic that might help.
and a lot of viagra? I can't imagine having sex with his wrinkly butt no matter how much money he has...cause that's how I roll
Heff deserves what’s coming to him. Anybody who does to a perfectly good valor robe deserves some bad Karma.
Before i forget, Merry Christmas to you luv!
Hef may be well on his way to being all anus, but you remain all heart.
So if Hef is an anus, then the two ladies on either side of him must compose the ass halves. Perhaps Hef should play Scrabble on a regular basis, his vocabulary and brain size may increase, thus deflating the size of his anus. However, since Hef seems to have special needs, I'm assuming he would, in fact, be the world's worst Scrabble player, relying on words like "anus" and "tit" to win..the letters which are only worth 1 point each. Teaching Hef big words such as "vagina" or "clitoris" might be a stretch to say the least. Pity.
perhaps that will match her jet black brows.
I too love Scrabble. However, no one I know enjoys it and I've yet to join any kind of group. Although perhaps it would help stave off my mental decay. Fly safe kiddo and have a great holiday.
JTILIS: I suppose he's more like some of the patients you've treated. Would you give him a prostate examination wearing surgical gloves?

Scott:It seems to be his trademark outfit. I think he'd look better in a jumpsuit.

Sabrina: And to you, Saby! I wish I could kiss your juicy cheeks!

Kyknoord: Well, thanks for noticing. I do consider myself to be an affectionate ape.

Static: "Clitoris" would get you a 50 point bonus for using up 7 tiles, but you'd have to find one of the letters on the board. "Vaginae" is a great 7-letter word in its own right.

Jaya: Yes, it would make her look more authentic as a woman.

Bodaciousb: That's a real shame. There ought to be an on-line club for people in your position.
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