Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Christmas Goose

I arrive in London in the depth of an icy winter and check into my usual room at Dr Whipnade’s residence. Next morning, I hike across Regent’s Park to the home of Richard E Grant, the actor and substance-sniffer. He arrives at the door in his dressing gown and greets me with a glazed expression on his face. 

“Good morning, Richard,” I say. “I have a particularly aromatic specimen for you. It’s from the land of your birth.” 

“What?” he mumbles. “Oh, yes, come into the lounge. Don’t mind me, GB, I’m always like this in the morning.” 

When we are seated, I hand him an airtight plastic box containing the Purple Pansy of Swaziland. He pulls off the lid, sticks in his nose and takes a deep breath. 

“Exquisite, GB!” he murmurs. “I won’t need to use my Vicks inhaler until tea time.” 

“I thought you’d like it,” I remark. “So what’s the news, Richard?” 

“The news!” he exclaims. “I’ll tell you what the fucking news is! The students have been rioting! Swarms of them took to the streets, defacing monuments and hurling flower pots. Can you imagine wasting good flower pots like that? It’s a good thing it’s not summer, or the streets would be stinking with their horrible fucking body odour!” 

“Couldn’t the police control them?” I ask. 

“Oh, they arrested a few and whacked a few others on the head, but it didn’t deter them one iota. They outwitted the plods by splitting into hunting parties and running amok in different directions. A particularly vile posse rampaged down Regent’s Street and ambushed the limousine of Prince Charles and Camilla. They forced them out of their car, and one of the hooded ruffians pinched Camilla on the arse. I saw the whole thing from outside Banana Republic – you should have seen the look on her face!” 

“Unauthorised contact with Camilla’s posterior is a serious breach of protocol,” I remark. “Even her butler needs a royal warrant to do that. The student who committed the outrage will have to be exiled when Charles becomes the sovereign. You can’t have someone openly boasting that he’s goosed the Queen of England.” 

“Well, they’ve hushed it up pretty well so far,” says Richard. “The unofficial cover story is that someone poked her with a stick. I’m keeping my lips firmly sealed so as not to ruin my chances of a knighthood.” 

“Very wise, Richard.” I remark. “Speaking of knighthoods, how’s the career going? Seen any good scripts lately?” 

“I’ve read a great one for a remake of King Solomon’s Mines that’s true to the original novel. I’ve already turned down the part of Alan Quartermain so I can audition for the role of Gagool the witch-smeller.” 

I stare at Richard for a sign that he’s jesting, but his earnest face indicates otherwise. 

“You are aware that Gagool is a black woman aged somewhere between 120 and 240?” I say. 

“That’s exactly why I should play her!” he insists. “I’ll never broaden my range if my on-screen persona is always some toffee-nosed Englishman who speaks like a 1950s newsreader.” 

Unable to refute his arguments, I wish him good luck and bid him a fond farewell. On the way back, I spot a couple of hungry students foraging in the snow for dead rodents. It being Christmas, I invite them home for a bowl of broth and a shampoo. They accept my offer eagerly and walk behind me as a gesture of respect. I tell them to maintain a distance of ten feet and keep their hands in their pockets.

Gorilla Bananas wishes his readers a Merry Christmas. He will a return in the New Year after a two week holiday break.

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Reminds me of the saying "I wouldn't touch her with a shitty stick." Except that, in this case, Camilla was touched by a shit on a stick.
Oh, is that Camilla? I thought it was Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street.
And Richard E. Grant. I didn't even know he was still alive.
Watch out for hungry students in England. They are particularly miffed at having their tuition fees tripled. They will have to drink a bit less beer, me thinks.
In so far as, 'The Christmas Goose', I do recall the former spouse thought I was referring to a bird and not some deviant sexual act...
May you have a peaceful and pleasant Christmas.
In kindness, Gary:-)
they should have given camilla a good kick up the arse. it would have put on smile on lady diana's beautiful face as she watches from above and prepares for the royal wedding.
White paint, smashed windows. Camilla looked shaken as she emerged from the car. Tee hee... Poor Camilla.

Have yourself a merry little/big Christmas. See you next year.
Wasn't "King Solomon's Mines" the one with Sharon Stone that was like a poor man's "Romancing the Stone?"

You should get her in the movie again. Maybe showing her well-aged beaver.

Happy Holidays!
Camilla looks as though she has already been poked with a stick; quite vigorously about the face and neck, it seems.

May your jungle be draped with mistletoe and holly, GB.
Merry Christmas and Happy new year, friend. Go easy on the spiked egg nog, or not. xo
Happy holidays GB xx
Enjoy your break, GB. Avoid sticky situations wherever possible.
Steve: The government refuses to disclose where and by what she was touched. That's very suspicious, don't you think?

Klahanie: The students are truly being persecuted by a penny-pinching government, but why are they blaming Camilla? Maybe she should sponsor a few scholarships to persuade them to keep their hands off her arse.

Billy: Maybe the students should have shouted "remember Diana" when they attacked the limousine. It might have won them the support of sentimental grannies throughout the nation.

Donut Girl: I would say she looked apprehensive as well as shaken, Ms Donut. It's the face of a woman about to have her arse pinched.

Dr Ken: There were no white women in the the novel and the only attractive African girl was killed before she could put her beaver on display. Never have movie makers taken more liberties with a popular book.

Robert: That's just natural wear and tear, Robert. I believe the picture is pre-goosing. All the post-goosing ones have been suppressed.

Robyn: And to you, Robyn. I shall abstain from all noxious or deviant substances in your honour.

Nursemyra: And to you, Nursie.

Kyknoord: Thank you, I will. They don't call me 'Non-stick' Bananas for nothing.
does that guy talk like Mr. Peabody? He just looks like he might
I think Camilla should sue Facebook for encouraging people to poke others.

If there's a relation between violent computer games and real life aggressive among youths, there surely is one between social networkers poking each other online and students poking Camilla.
Yes, quite. Now couldn't Camilla play Gagool? I mean with enough tincture of iodine or something.
You had me at the very first sentence: it was quite the miracle you made it to icy London
So Camilla, that ol' ugly cunt wannabe Queen, was ram rodded by a protester's dick? Well, now I've heard everything.

Btw, those protesters should set the English government on fire and toast marshmallows over their burning corpses for Christmas for raising their tuition fees that goddamn high.

Of course, I'll be watching the mayhem on TV from the safety of my American home and try not to laugh.

Tee hee. Merrrrrrryyyy Christmas! Ho fuckin' ho!
Did you not fancy a good goosing from a hapless student, Mr Bananas??
Merry Christmas!
Seasons greetings GB, hope you and yours have a great one.
Been a pleasure reading your blog this year, can't wait for 2011's masterpieces.
Wishing you a good holiday, and will look forward to your return :-)
"“The unofficial cover story is that someone poked her with a stick."

Simplistically, you are saying Charles is a stick.

Kind of explains the 'tree-hugging' thing then.
Hope you're having a good break GB.

The gossip from the police networks is that Camilla was poked by a stick with a horse's head handle. And that never leads to a happy ending.
I remember that movie being shite even when I was a kid. "Beaver on display." Love it.
I Goose you! Merry Holidays!!!!
Those weren't students you picked up, those were hipsters.

Enjoy your holidays!
I used to come here for the plausibly deniable fruity pictures.
( "honest Daphne, I wasn't doing porn, I just visited Gorillas blog" )

What's happened to you GB ?

Here's a rundown of the current pages' pictorial delights...

*Old Man
*Old Hag
*Old Man-Hag
*Old Man w\ Two Hags
*Three Fruity Asian Babes (1 point)
*Five Homeless Asylum Seekers
*Old Hag in Drag
*Fruity Old Man ( - 1 point )
*Some Cosplay - you freak
*Hellish Mile-High Club ( - 10 points )
*Fruity Welsh Git ( + 1 points )
*Some Lesbo Bondage ( + 3 points )
*Two Old Birds ( - 2 points )
*Two Old Gay African Gentlemen.

Get your act together, GB, or I'll have to go back to googling for stimuli.
I'm not sure what would be worse, having to pinch Camilla's hindquarters or getting inhaled by Richard Grant.

It seems like the UK should invest in some security for its royalty. They may be more homely than comely, but they're still blue bloods.
I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner, GB. I'm staying at my mom's house and her internet connection is so ancient that it doesn't even acknowledge Blogger sites.

I hope you had a great holiday, GB.

ps. I take it my Purple Pansy of Swaziland was lost in the mail?
Starving hands off YOUR posterior for the price of a hot meal seems like a fair exchange, Mister B. Perhaps you should have shared this model of exchange with Mr. Esterhuysen... although I am not sure there are that many grubby fingers reaching for his bum, poor man. He might want to offer a hot meal FOR a pinch, under the circs.
These ruffians today are apt to get up to all sorts of nonsense. One simply doesn’t feel safe in the streets anymore. Especially not while wearing assless chaps. That’s been my experience anyway.

I hope you have a Happy New Year and an amazing 2011!!
I'm impressed that modern students still sport sticks, no doubt to ward off footpads.

As for Camilla, I can vouch as hereditary cotsengi that she shines in our annals of pocabilità.
REG, my favourite bit of posh. Wearing well, isn't he? He can come and sniff my gardenias any time.

A belated happy New Year to you, GB, and may I express my appreciation for your reduction in smutty pictures of late, to the obvious pique of the kilted troll who got here before me. Keep up the good clean work. Nobody likes a dirty old gorilla.
Bum pinching outside Banana Republic? Sounds like a gorilla's wet dream!

Hope you had a lovely holiday!
First visit--and well worth the time. Now I know where to come for the inside scoop on the Royals.
i went to Regents College, located in Regents Park when I lived in london.

you're about 5 years too late, Ape.
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