Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sex tourism

A pharmaceutical company has published a report indicating that women are far more likely to indulge in reckless fornication when on holiday. I could have told them that for free. In this part of Africa, the unaccompanied female tourist is colloquially referred to as “a chicken in need of stuffing”. Not by me, of course – we gorillas shun coarse metaphors in our descriptions of the human female. The expression is common parlance among gigolos who frequent the beaches in search of clients. 

I recently observed one of these young bucks, flexing his limbs and girding his loins before approaching a mature-looking fowl with plenty of white meat on her. 

“Hello, lady, can you help me unpack my lunchbox?” he asked with a smirk. 

I didn’t catch her reply, but judging from the expression on her face it wasn’t entirely dismissive. 

We uphold a very strong safe-sex ethos at the safari camp. We simply can’t take the risk that a human will infect the wildlife, threatening the survival of a species already teetering on the brink. The rooms at the guesthouse are stocked with condoms, ointments, rubber gloves and stimulators. A party of nuns from Ireland, who stayed with us last year, were perplexed by this cornucopia of sex wares. Too embarrassed to mention it to the manager, they tapped me discreetly on the shoulder. 

“Could I trouble you remove those items, Mr Bananas?” asked Sister Bridget. “I’m sure we won’t be needing them.” 

“I would be most surprised if you did, Sister,” I replied. “Yet rules are rules and the ways of the Lord are mysterious, even for those who have taken the holy vows. Is it not written in the gospels that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak?” 

So the sex goods stayed put, and after the nuns had vacated their rooms we noticed that a few of them were missing. The pious sisters must have appropriated them as more interesting souvenirs than soap or towels. Good thinking on their part. 

But let’s get back to the topic of women who visit Africa for carnal gratification. Why do they come over here to do something they could do at home? Consider the case of Ms Carol Bone, a 62-year-old English grandmother, who suffers from arthritis and back pain. After her 21-year marriage ended two years ago, she embarked on a frenetic bonking spree in which 200 gallants were ridden relentlessly to exhaustion. 

“My age means nothing,” declared Ms Bone. “I have a really high sex drive. Why shouldn’t I enjoy myself?” 

Why not indeed, although one has to wonder how her ex-husband managed to stay the course for 21 years. I’d like to hear his side of the story, assuming he’s not in an intensive care unit with his scrotum attached to a life support machine. 

In truth, I am insulted that women should visit Africa, with its stunning scenery and gorgeous wildlife, merely to behave like cows in search of a bull. The next time I see a European woman consorting with a gigolo, I’m going to give her a piece of my mind. 

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I'd like to think that somewhere there is a convent with condom party balloons and dildo shaped habit holders...
And her name just had to be Mrs. "Bone"! Amazing! Go, grannie, Go!
Carol Bone - nothing else need be said. Crazy name, crazy lady.
I bet the ex is a cold fish and she's making up for lost time. I kinda admire her. She did try knitting jumpers, afterall, but how satisfying could that be? xo
Why is she holding a red teddy bear? Why doesn't she remove her glasses? What is that book really about?
Why does she look so angry?
Why doesn't the doc take her off testosterone?
Why, Why, Why???
*Bursts Out Laughing*
Ok, I didn't expect this one, heheh :-)
Hmmmm... my friend and I were just discussing Africa (as a continent of handsome, musically-gifted, athletic men) - and I guess I can see her point about beer bellies. Having been out with a 50-year-old recently, I can add to her list; no need to carry his reading glasses whenever you want him to look at a picture on your handphone, or have him worrying about his diet for fear of getting diabetes! But I guess there are pros and cons both ways... :-)
Wow. That old lady . . . Jeez. Why?

She could go on many a vacation and not get a taker.
At least she isnt wearing granny panties !
Steve: That's a beautiful thought for the Christmas season, Steve. I'm going order a box of Christmas cards with those words engraved on it.

Robert: Maybe she ought to make you president of her fan club.

Rubbish: Crazy with lust, Rubbish. There must be a few like her in Wales.

Robyn: That's a very interesting theory, Robyn, but I can't believe she would have waited 21 years. Maybe she was cheating on her ex?

Martymom: That's her "come hither" look, Martyrmon. And some girls look cuter with spectacles, especially if they have a red mark on their nose.

Eve: She's not worried about whether they can read, Eve. She treats the men she dates as walking dildos. I'm sure you and your gentleman friend have a more elevated sort of relationship.

Dr Ken: She would only get takers in Africa if she paid for them, whereas in England she knows where to find all the sex-starved men who'll do her for free: in dating sites.

Jaya J: I don't believe I've ever seen such garments. What do they look like?
here you go :)
I'm very disturbed by the red teddy
The wonder of technology-i'm commenting on your blog from my phone!ok,i've decided.... I'm sure there is more to life than sex... Poor old lady...
There's nothing wrong with the crinklies enjoying a bit of Jungle Fever.

What worries me is when they lose their dentures in the bush. Have you heard the stats on how many poor japing apes have choked to death on a pair of fake gnashers?

Simply has to be reined in for the sake of the wildlife!
I'm just disturbed. I've lived such a sheltered life. I thought people went on holidays to look at ancient ruins and it turns out to be true.
I could totally be her Teddy Bear. She might even have cash.
I wonder if Carol is any relation to Old Mother Hubbard?
Oh I don't need vacation to have sex all the time...although I might give out more BJ's on vacation
the girls all look prettier at closing time.
Sixty-two ans still bonking? There's hope for me yet!
Jaya: Good heavens, they look like nappies!

Nursemyra: I think he might be blushing, Nursie.

Eve: She doesn't seem to want anything more, Eve. According to the linked article, she makes them sleep in the spare room afterwards.

Mermaid: Hello Mermaid, it's nice to see you here! Fortunately, Ms Bone and her dentures have been nowhere near the jungle. She's been getting men to service her for free at her own place. I believe it's called "care in the home".

Jon: She' got to be better to sit on than Stone Henge, though. Mature flesh is better than cold rock.

Fred: Unfortunately, she doesn't pay for it. There are a lot of desperate men in dating sites.

Kyknoord: She might be the reason why Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare.

JTILIS: Ah, that's nice! Going on holiday brings out your generous side.

Billy: That's what they say, although I don't think she's very interested in drunk men.

Tiny Temper: She's a bit less choosy than you, Ms Temper, but you're right not to lose hope.
It's a good thing you guys keep a tight leash on those dam dirty humans. I mean look at what happened on the planet of the apes.....wait a minute......statue of liberty.....THAT WAS EARTH....meh.
Presumably, one can give the dog a bone. Do you think her soft toy is an sex aid?
Ms. Bone is giving me "the frights" just thinking about what she would do with a handsome young lad like myself. The last thing I need is to be laid up in a hospitable bed with my scrotum attached to a life support system so close to the time of Thanksgiving. Talk about awkward!

At the same time, Ms. Bone is also giving me a boner. Mmmm... Extra folds of skin around that old, gray haired coochie pie. Is there anything finer? I'm so conflicted.
My eyes are bleeding!!!

ps. So, um, where exactly is this part of Africa that you're referring to?

Not for me. For a friend.
That picture is hot.

You always know how to put me in a mood GB.
I know that I’ve said this before but, we were doing so well until the picture. Why?

I had no idea that females engaged in sex tourism so regularly. I have some loin girding to do, baby. Daddy needs a new pair of flip flops!
luckily I am one who indulges in reckless fornication under the influence of alcohol thus saving me a lot of air fares!
The Wolf: That was 'Planet of the Ape Masks', not 'Planet of the Apes'. The "gorillas" were extras from Ben Hur and I was rooting for Chuck Heston all the way.

Madame Defarge: I suspect it's either a lucky charm or a voodoo doll, Madame D.

Kelly: I'm not surprised you want her, deep down most men are attracted to what they fear. She would tie you to her bed and straddle you so you didn't have to work too hard.

Bschooled: Is your friend a chicken in need of stuffing, Ms Bschooled? I could send her a sage and onion recipe if you gave me her address.

V&GB: The picture is just to warm you up, Ms Vodka. You're the kind of woman my females would like to rub with coconut oil while listening to me playing the bongo drums.

Scott: Only do it if you really need the money. You could end up feeling like a squeezed out tube of toothpaste.

Emma: Very sensible of you, Emma. Why go on an expensive holiday for something freely available at home?
I spent many a happy hour observing the goings-on around the pool at the Abuja Sheraton. Beauty is in the eye of the potential British passport holder.
Greetings Gorilla Bananas,
I just wanted to take this opportunity to express my admiration and sheer delight in your excellent, witty and articulate postings.
I have noted that a number of my good friends in the great blogging community have been visiting your site. Now, I can most certainly see why.
Excellent and thank you.
With respect and good wishes, your way, Gary.
women are sluts.

and beyotches.

but you ddint' hear that from me.

oh, since we're having a heart to heart... WHO ARE YOU? ;)
Lady Daphne: A British passport has been known to inspire great lust, milady. Just as well your kept your one out of view.

Klahanie: Thank you, Gary, you are welcome here any time.

Ms Blunt Delivery: You know who I am, Ms BD. I've already appeared in one of your dreams.
one has to wonder how her ex-husband managed to stay the course for 21 years. I’d like to hear his side of the story, assuming he’s not in an intensive care unit with his scrotum attached to a life support machine.

excellent question indeed. Perhaps he had a weekly prescription of viagra.
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