Friday, November 12, 2010

Sex education

The manager of the safari camp has been giving me dirty looks, and frankly I don’t blame him. A month ago, I gave his wife a book for her birthday called The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex. I like books with hard-hitting titles that don’t beat around the bush. Hopefully, they’ll follow it up with The Horny Book of Horny Horns and The Fruity Book of Fruity Fruits. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t thumb through them if you saw them in a bookshop. 

After his wife tore off the gift wrapping, the manager grinned slyly and gave me the thumbs-up sign. He obviously thought the book was an X-rated sex manual that would encourage his better half to experiment with cutting edge techniques. For the rest of the day, his face had the smirk of a man who expects edible ointments to be licked off his private parts. A grave disappointment awaited him, because that’s not what the book is about. 

It was co-written by a couple who believe that having good sex depends on verbal communication – before, after and during the lunging and writhing. Having found their argument persuasive, the manager’s wife now insists on briefing her husband before letting him off the leash, and giving him instructions while he’s chasing and retrieving the bone (so to speak). Worst of all, as far as the manager is concerned, is a section of the book which emphasizes the importance of laughter during love-making. In the words of co-author Rich Blomquist

“If you’re not laughing when you’re having sex, you’re probably not having sex.” 

The manager’s wife has taken this uncompromising doctrine to heart, afflicting her hapless husband with feelings of utter consternation. I know all of this because he has not shirked from updating me on his bedroom misfortunes. Indeed, he holds me personally responsible for them. 

“What the hell am I supposed to do?” he complained. “Tell her jokes while I’m sucking her tits?” 

“You could always try tickling her,” I suggested. 

“She hates that!” he snapped. “I stroked her foot once and she kicked me in the face. It’s all your fault for giving her that stupid book! I ought to sue you for sabotaging my marriage!” 

“Now, now,” I replied. “I can’t read every book from cover to cover before giving it as a present. I naturally assumed from the title that it would instruct your good lady in some of the manoeuvres you’ve been watching on the satellite porn channel.” 

“Well it hasn’t!” he barked. “She was perfectly happy before she read that crap. Now she thinks our sex life is lousy and I’m no good in bed. What am I supposed to do?” 

I had no good answer to this question, but felt I ought to offer some hope. 

“Women are fickle and prone to fads,” I said. “Eventually, she will tire of these avant-garde ideas and allow the book to gather dust on your bookshelf. She will then rediscover her appetite for the strong-but-silent style of copulation that is your forte.” 

“And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?” he asked. 

“Endeavour to persevere, manager.” I declared solemnly. “Endeavour to persevere.” 

If worst comes to worst, I’ll find him a good divorce lawyer. 

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Anytime men think their significant other is going to get busy with their naughty bits they get all glassy-eyed. Personally, I think that books sounds great. Sadly my DH, probably wouldn't feel the same way. Still, I think I'll just order a copy for myself.
No use to me, I'm afraid. I've reached an age where I can no longer compete with the young males, and the old females are not to my taste. When I get bored with sulking, I meditate. When I get bored with meditating, I sulk. I think I shall forget how to read soon.
Sometimes when a woman laughs at her naked partner, this is not a good thing. Just sayin.' xo
I thought you were making it up til I saw the link, GB :-)
But yes, I'd definitely pick up 'the fruity book of fruity fruit' also. Heheh :-) As for sex requiring laughter, being funny IS a sort of turn on, I think - but being funny doesn't come easily to everyone :-)
Well pardon you for just being a friendly gorilla and trying to help a guy out. The manager should thank his lucky stars that an educated animal, such as yourself, cares enough about his sex life to offer such a fine piece of literature.

Make 'em laugh while giving them the beef? Sound advice. I did that the other day whilst in bed with the missus by telling her this joke:

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

Now tell me that won't cause a woman to have an orgasm. For sure!
You're evil GB
Cool, I shall arm myself with the best jokes Frankie Boyle has to offer and then go out on the pull. I can't possibly fail.
haha, brilliant! I imagine that this manager could also convert to Mormonism and marry multiple women; preferably one that find reading to be too much a chore for the female mind.

I can volunteer a few friends as divorce lawyers!
Hang on a cotton-picking minute GB, I think these authors might be Swedish.

Judging by by the tide of filth that meets one at the airport and follows one around the country, the Swedes know more than a little about tickling the clematis and inserting the salami.

But humour? I don't think so. They might laugh at the odd moose joke, but for the most part Swedes and laughter are strangers to one another.

This is just another attempt to undermine the fabric of societies that have a proper sense of humour. I have investigated this phenomenon before back in 2006 and know whence I speak:

THE SETTING: an office in Stockholm. It is bright, nicely decorated, with a shimmering hardwood floor and high quality furniture. Very high quality. This stuff was never flat-packed. Behind a large desk sits SVEN. He is in his late twenties. SVEN is blond, muscular, with even teeth and can only be described as beautiful. He is busy at a computer. On the wall a sign:

Swedish Foreign Ministry

Interdepartmental Kømittie for Exporting Amusement – I.K.E.A.

Beneath the sign, an inscription that can only be a mission statement:

“Combating stereotypes and putting a smile on people’s faces. One day.”

It is Monday morning. Another man enters the room. He is tall, about 45, also blond, rugged in the Clint Eastwood mould with a neatly trimmed beard. This is LARS, SVEN’s boss.]

LARS: “Hey Sven! You’re in early! What’s going on?”

SVEN: “Just came in early to have a look at the reports from the French field office following our changes to the Välke range of kitchen units. How was your weekend?

LARS: “Oh Ingrid and I went up to the cottage. Did a bit of fishing, watched some elk, we made love in a glacial stream, the icy water boiling off our heaving oiled bodies with the heat of our passion…”

SVEN: “Same old, same old then?”

LARS: “Pretty much. You?”

SVEN: “Oh I sat around the apartment with the lights off, listened to some old “Joy Division” stuff, drank a few bottles of vodka, ate raw fish and thought about Death.”

LARS: “Hey! Rip it up!” [They “high five”] “You single guys have all the fun! So what did the French office have to say?”

SVEN: “Well, you remember that we changed the spec of Välke so that it was only possible to drive in the screws that hold the enormously hard rubberwood worktop in place using the pointless little 5cm screwdriver we included in the pack?”

LARS: “I think so – the screws in question actually require a power screwdriver, but we changed the spec so that only a 3 foot tall circus contortionist with no head, titanium knuckles and dislocated knees could ever hope to get into the position required to use one?”

SVEN: “That’s it yes. The results were…mixed. The test subject, male in his mid thirties with considerable DIY experience worked on the screws for over an hour, but…”

LARS: “He didn’t laugh, did he? He didn’t see the funny side at all.”

SVEN: “No. He yelled at his children, kicked the cat and went down his local bar for ‘a swift one’. He spent the next three hours drinking beer and talking morosely to a disinterested French barman about What Is Wrong With The English Football Team; it would seem that they haven’t seen the funny side of that project either.”

LARS: “We have to continue! We must work harder! I cannot rest until the names of Lars Svenssen and Sven Larssen are revered with those of the comedy giants – Jasper Carrott, Bernard Manning, the little bald man in the ‘Benny Hill Show’!

[There is a brief, reverential, silence]

SVEN: “Eh…Lars, this idea of getting people to pay good money for ingeniously designed but difficult to assemble furniture… it IS funny, isn’t it?”

LARS: “Of course it is! It is in the best traditions of slapstick comedy and bottom jokes! It MUST be funny! Come on, let’s take a look at Välke again. Perhaps if we make some changes that involve killing the person building it… Mark my words – the days of the World thinking the Swedes are dull are numbered. Oh when they realise, how they will laugh….”
BodaciousB: You must write a review, Ms BB. I will be fascinated to hear whether you can put their ideas into practice. Do you laugh a lot?

JJ Beazely: That's a rather defeatist attitude to adopt in the age of Viagra, Mr Beazely. Perhaps you should work on modifying your sulk into a sullen glare. I believe some women find that attractive.

Robyn: Quite right, Robyn. Laughing at a man's equipment can be very deflating for him. But nice Jewish girls don't look, do they?

Eve: In the words of the Beatles, Eve, "I'd love to turn you on".

Kelly: That joke is actually better than sex. I'm going to tell it to my females the next time they're in season. Maybe they'll forget to sit on my face for once.

Nursmyra: Call me "Count Bananas", Nursie.

Steve: It would certainly improve your chances, but don't get too cocksure. Girls don't like being taken for granted by nerdy writer types.

Alpha Za: I bet he wishes he'd married an illiterate woman. It's so difficult to plan for everything when you're choosing a spouse, isn't it?

Jon: Hah, you should have made that a blog post! Those wacky Swedes! I remember Bjorn and Benny of ABBA complaining about Bjorn Again speaking in exaggerated Swedish accents. The little bald guy was called Jacky something, wasn't he?
*smiles* Thank you, GB :-) Coming from you, I value that compliment :-)
It is indeed a pity that mankind sees fit to educate our women.
My missus has been laughing durind sex for the last fifteen years.Please tell me the book has been out that long?
All the other primates have managed to succeed as species without sex manuals. Most of mammalian family can't even read. How did the entire animal kingdom ever figure out sex without books? Hm.

My favorite sex manual is whoever I'm fucking.
luckily after several years of marriage my sweetheart gave up on verbal communication.

so i got that going for me too, which is nice.
I actually prefer the silent type. There was this time, though, in the back of the mini-van...when we had a run in with a plate of chocolate chip cookies!

With 4 kids in the house the quieter the better!! Or go to the mini-van!!
Hmmmm. I was always told that if you're not crying during sex, you're probably not having sex. I am so confused.
I'm not going to lie, I am looking forward to reading this book myself.

I always thought that laughing during sex would just hurt his ego?
True story: A few years back a local school was petitioned by irate mothers to "ban" certain books from the school library. Among the salacious titles invoking prurient interest was one titled: "Making It with Mademoiselle".

The it was a book of dress patterns one can sew ones self of dresses from Mademoiselle Magazine.
Hi kiddo. Just wanted to let you know that I gave you a Stylish Blogger award. If you pop by my place you can see how to pay it forward.
I adore Kristen her blustery cheeks, sunburst locks, crazy ass voice and gigantic grandma underwear conspire to make me laugh. Being that she is a daily show correspondent though, I assumed that it would be all comedy; I had no idea that she’s attempt to dispense real advice.

She must be stopped.
Eve: You're welcome, Eve, you deserve it.

Alpha Za: Careful now! People might think you're a Taliban!

Rubbish: The book is new, but women have found sex funny since the days of Ethelred the Unready. I wouldn't worry about it, mate.

Fred: Non-human primates don't need manuals because they've got strong instincts telling then what to do. Humans lost their instincts when they started wearing underwear.

Billy: Didn't she even give you post-coital feedback? You can't improve without feedback.

Martyrmon: Did your husband ever put his hand over your mouth? That's a damn nosy question, but I can't help asking it.

Ms Bschooled: It all depends what you're looking at when you laugh, Ms B. His ego won't be damaged if you maintain eye contact.

Robert: Hah! I hope they were ridiculed for their meddling. It will be a sad day when children cannot read about dress-making in their school library.

BodaciousB: I thank you profusely, ma'am. I humbly accept your award with introspection and genuflection.

Scott: I don't see how you can stop people reading the book. The best tactic would be character assassination, to discourage them from taking it seriously. You've made a good start.
Hey GB, the book of which you speak is an excellent choice, GB. Ms Kristen Schaal grew up on a farm so she indeed knows much in the way of sexy sex.

But in any case, I can't help thinking that the wife is at least in part to blame for the sorry state of their marital affairs. "Letting her husband off the leash", indeed? Whoever heard of such a preposterous notion?
I think that if you're having a laugh or two during sex, then you probably have a good connection with your partner, which means you probably have a level of comfort with one another, which probably means you have some good fuckin'. This is just in my limited "research." Good gift!
Hi Gorilla Bananas,
Are you branching out into sex therapy now? I think, who better than you would understand that when it comes to sex, "it's a real jungle out there." LOL.
How come you never sent me a sex book...
I've given this more thought. I think women read sex manuals looking for one thing: How to tell us they want something kinky. That's pretty much it. And we are looking for ways to tell them we want someone else for just one night. I guess this sounds bitter. I don't mean it that way.
Miss J: Is that so, Miss J? I never realised that farm boys were good in the haystack. Or do you mean the animals? As far as letting husbands off the leash is concerned, I believe that some women like to ensure the race doesn't start until they're ready for action. While others just want the man to go hammer and tongs without waiting for OK.

Doctor Ken: You could be right, but isn't it important to laugh at the right time? A mistimed laugh could throw someone of his stroke.

The Snee: I've always been a researcher in this field, Sir. The jungle is just one of my laboratories.

JTILIS: You should be writing the book, Miss, not reading it. If you tell me when your birthday is, I'll think of something suitable.

Fred: Shouldn't you try the kinky option first before looking for someone else? The grass always looks greener from the other side.
Haha! Thanks, Tips!

I'll put your theory to the test next weekend...;)
I hope this book has plenty of pictures, as M. DeFarge struggles with big words and complicated sentence structure. I often laugh at his attempts at conjugation.
Jokes while getting you're freak on dosen't sounds like a bad idea. However the only jokes I know are dead baby jokes.......wait were supposed to make them cry right?
I'm 25b and that is all I can admit...I'm more talk than action...okay that might be a lie but you still love me right?
This is hilarious. I'll stay away from that book thank you. lol
GB, nah, we close our eyes and hope for the best. xo
Bschooled: Best of luck, Miss B. Don't let your eyes wander.

Madame D: I'm sure your husband prefers to get his tuition directly from you, Madame D. Books are often less useful than a hands-on approach.

The Wolf: You sound like the kind of lover a Klingon female would appreciate.

JTILIS: I still love you, Miss, but is that really your bra size?

Tee: Aren't you even a little bit curious? Reading a book doesn't mean you have to follow its recommendations.

Robyn:Yes, I believe that's what Joan Rivers did on her wedding night.
que bonitas fotos!
me encanta este blog!
pasas por el mio?
te espero..
Might wanna think about this before thou shalt croak. It seems everyone's on the 'sex bandwagon' now with no thot of how sleepin' around (being a whore - both of 'em) will effect their ETERNAL afterlife --- I have provided a 'semi-colon', soda speek, to help U.S. halt this madness. Here's EIGHT blogs YOU may steal/plagiarize to thy heart's content (don't find that very off'n, doya? Just like to give my piece of cranium to the world); be warned, however: Upstairs in Heaven Above, all of my EIGHT blogs of wisdom and avant-garde-efficaciousness will be attributed to moi, aussi. Though, I don't think you'll care one-way-or-the-other in the Great Beyond. God bless.
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