Monday, November 08, 2010

The ringtone revolution

My afternoon nap is disturbed by the noise of ululating women. They are celebrating the news that Mrs Cherry-Blair and Hilldog are planning to give them cheap mobile phones. This noble act of philanthropy will transform the lives of millions of African women. Instead of walking to the bazaar to gossip about the president’s latest mistress, they will soon be able to do so while feeding the hens or stroking the rooster. (But not while milking the goat, which requires two hands.) 

It may surprise you to learn that I do not, myself, own one of these devices. I do have a mobile number, but anyone who dials it is directed to the phone of a chimpanzee. This chimp screens my calls to save me the bother of telling salesmen and other hucksters to piss off. If I get a legitimate caller, the chimp arranges a time for a return call and lends me his phone for this purpose. 

Before you accuse me of exploiting the chimp, please be informed that he receives a generous stipend for his pains. He is ungrateful in spite of it, continually whining about the inconvenience of being my receptionist and so forth. His latest complaint is that women have been sending revealing photos of themselves to my number. 

“I didn’t realise I had to be your pimp as well as your secretary!” he bleated. “I want extra money for dealing with those messages. All that naked flesh is ruining my appetite. It looks unnaturally bare, even for humans!” 

He was obviously exaggerating his distaste to better his bargaining position. The chimpanzee who can hustle Gorilla Bananas has not been born. 

“You accursed fool!” I barked. “Do you think I have any idea who those women are? Some practical joker must have given my number to a swingers’ chat room. You have my permission to delete such messages immediately. And I’m not paying you extra because you can’t stop yourself from ogling!” 

“All right,” he agreed meekly. “But don’t you want to look at the pictures yourself? They are still on my phone and there might be someone you know there.” 

He had a point. This business of “sexting” has become such a craze that there’s no telling who might be dabbling in it. The practice is highly disreputable, of course, and videos have been made warning against it. But for some women, this might simply increase the thrill. 

“Very well,” I said. “Bring me your phone and I will scrutinise the photos before deleting them myself. Most of the women will certainly be strangers to me, but I cannot rule out the possibility that someone I know has suffered a lapse in standards. If so, I will punish her accordingly and instruct her to desist.” 

I am currently waiting for the chimp to give me his phone. I sincerely hope that no woman in my acquaintance has sent me an indecent photo of herself. Because if she has, Doctor Spank will be paying a visit to Bottomland.

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Actually they can still milk goats if they get the used blue tooth attachmnts as well. Or just simply tie some wire or rope around their head to at.tach the cell too. Of course they'll probably be too busy texting and get hit by a runnaway donkey cart.
It always takes me two hands to milk my goat, GB. I've been told I've got quite the meat log.

There's something wrong with that chimp. He should be thankful he gets paid to look at weird porn all day for money. Any chimp worth his weight in salt and garlic would be pleased as punch to getta job like that.

I'm furious, I tell ya. Just furious. Time to go milk my goat.
can you outsource the answering service to india? it would be an act of great kindness to hire a rag picker.
OMG, how in the world did you get that picture of me being spanked??
No wonder you've never returned any of my calls.
It's very kind of that Mrs Blair with her strange smile to be giving these ladies telephones, but I understand that she is also a lawyer, so presumably this is some sort of wheeze to get a foot in the door as the first ambulance chasher in the Congo.

Perhaps she should be spanked.
I know people who would pay good money to see Mrs Blair get a spanking
The Wolf: Thanks for the suggestions, Mr Wolf. I've heard about this "blue tooth" but never actually seen it. It wouldn't be taken seriously in Africa unless it were bigger than a crocodile's.

Kelly: I knew I should hired someone like you instead of the chimp. Pity you're too far away to lend me your phone. What makes you think the photos are weird? I resent your suggestion that women would only send me weird nekkid pictures of themselves.

Billy: The Indians have the expertise, but photos of naked women are illegal over there. Billboard posters of women eating ice-cream have been banned in India.

Robyn: I got it from one of your ex's Robyn. I had to pay him a month's salary for it.

V&GB: The chimp never told me about your call, Ms Vodka. You must have talked dirty to him.

Jon: The courts would never award damages high enough to cover her fees, Jon. She would make a lot more money by letting people spank her.

Nursemyra: I think she could charge her usual rate for that privilege, Nursie.
what a marvelous priorirty. A mobile phone. Don't bother with basic needs like shelter or food. I suggest Ms B visits the real world occasionally instead of finding ways to foist more western waste on the third world....
Sexting? That's a new one on me. Alas.

If the chimp is disturbed by these pictures of naked apes then there are 2 solutions: (a) pray that some hairier ladies join the sexting party or (b) get a new telephone receptionist. I am available Mon to Fri and some Saturdays.
I'm NOT the one with the sunglasses and floppy hat >:)
The last time I ululated in public in Houston I was arrested. I guess I'll have to move to the Congo where I can do it in public unashamedly.
I'm too old to visit Bottomland myself. But if you're ever in the neighbourhood, send me some pictures.
Wow. Didn't know gorillas could get into "kink" like that. Well, they say that apes are not that far of from us perverted humans, so it adds up.
Princess: Fair point, ma'am, but don't even poor ladies like to have a natter?

Steve: You need to keep up with the times, mate. Do you ever talk to young people? Check out the second link in the post. The problem with hairy women is that their hairiness is spread rather unevenly.

Martyr Mom: Are you the butt naked lady wearing a Monica Lewinsky face mask?

Bodaciousboomer: They arrested you for ululating? Have they repealed the first amendment in Texas?

Doctor B: Don't write yourself off, Doctor, there are surely many bottoms which prefer the crusty hand.

Doctor Ken: Spanking is not kinky for us gorillas, Dr Ken. It's just one of the everyday uses for a big butt.
Your prose was as hilarious as always, especially for a gorilla. So how do you get all these relatively hairless women sending revealing photos anyway?

And what the hell does and ululating woman sound like?

Sorry that I have more questions than answers but my special ed teacher always said that I had the mind of a scientist! And I do.
*slow grin*
that punchline sounds more like an invitation than a threat ;-)
Odd, the only cell phone calls I seem to receive are "robo calls" from automated solicitors... usually at the very point when I am indisposed on the toilet or have a mouth-full of sandwich. My phone must have a secret camera where these predators can view me at the precise moment when taking a call would be most inconvenient... at which they ring me. Damn them!
Goodness me, Mr Bananas! We do seem to have some common threads in our blogs. *puts tongue firmly in cheek*
How do I get hold of the chimp? I have some photos that might interest him more than naked ladies...
Scott: Checkout this link for ululating women. All I can say about the sexting women is that they received no encouragement from me.

Eve: If spanking is not a sufficient threat, I'll try something else. It's not the only weapon in my armoury, Eve!

Robert: I wonder what solicitors are after? Apart from your money, that is.

Tiny Temper: Hello, Ms Temper, it's nice to see you here!
The chimp would definitely go on strike if you made him look at your willy pics. And if that happened, I might have to spank you.
*grins* LOL! Thank you for your book, btw. I treasure it :-) May you never stop writing :-)
While you chortle, Moslem women have solved the problem themselves. A mobile phone fits neatly over the ear tucked inside a tight hijab, leaving both hands free. I am sure Congolese ladies have already worked out how to milk goats while catching up on EastEnders, without the use of rope or wires.

If your chimp has received any naughty pictures of me, they were probably sent by my chimp who's very good with Photoshop.
Tessa wants to adopt a chimp as a son, but I keep telling her they are ungrateful little bastards. And racist as hell. I'm going to have her read this.
Eve: Thank you, my dear, I'll keep going for as long as I can.

Lady Daphne: Are Muslim women allowed to milk goats, milady? It seems a rather libertine activity. I shall handle any photos of your good self with discretion.

Fred: Hah, you're very knowledgeable about your simian cousins! I will link you as an honorary gorilla.
Who is that woman being spanked in the picture? And why is she being spanked?
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