Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Lessons from a lady

Although I generally eschew favouritism in my relations with humans, I will admit to having a soft spot for the schoolmistress. My love affair with the breed began at the start of my circus career, when the proprietor, Mr McDougall, summoned me to finalise the details of my contract. 

“You’re a great talent, Bananas,” he said, “but you’ll need to improve your diction so you can mingle at ease with the VIPs who’ll want to meet you. I’ve hired a teacher to give you elocution lessons. She’ll have you speaking the Queen’s English in no time.” 

He wasn’t wrong. As well as showing me how to enunciate my vowels, Miss Emily Honeysuckle instructed me in all the social graces. I don’t just mean kissing ladies’ hands and eating soup without slurping. She also taught me gorilla-specific skills, such as combing my chest hairs and giving women piggy-back rides without making them flustered or over-excited. 

Miss Honeysuckle tutored me for the best part of a year, and would have doubtless continued for the best part of a decade had I not gently prodded her to conclude our business. 

“My dear Emily!” I said (for we had grown rather close). “You have taught me everything I need to know with patience and tenderness and sweet sugar dumplings. Your work here is now complete, and armed with my glowing reference you will surely find a position at a prestigious school. Perhaps you will meet a handsome young geography master, who will beguile you with tales of exotic landscapes bearing luscious fruit and extra firm vegetables.” 

“Oh GB!” she cried, shedding bitter tears. “I knew this day would come, yet now that it has arrived, my heart aches like an abandoned puppy!” 

“There, there, Emily!” I said, pulling her gently to my bosom with a long hairy arm. “You must be brave and fulfill your destiny as a pedagogue and a woman.” 

The reason for sharing this rather touching anecdote with you (apart from enhancing your capacity for empathy) is to explain my concern for a schoolmistress in England, who has been unjustly suspended from her job. Miss Kirsty Cook-Bell was dealt this harsh blow after publishing a few holiday snaps of herself on Facebook. The photos show her baring a little flesh (as ladies are wont to do in sunny climes), and the school is worried about the effect this will have on her pupils. 

I can’t see what the problem is. Boys in her classroom will now pay her more attention, which is precisely what they should be doing. Perhaps the school is worried that some of these boys, in the privacy of their bedrooms, will use the photos as an aid to self-abuse. To address this particular concern, I will pass on some intelligence from my friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet. He once told me that the onanism he practiced as a boy fell into two distinct categories: 

• the Who’s Your Daddy? wank, aided by pictures of unknown women in girlie magazines; 

• the Darling I Love You wank, inspired by fantasies of women he was acquainted with, such as school teachers and mothers of school friends. 

He confided to me that the second variety was (a) superior in the physical elation it produced and (b) more conducive to emotional well-being in the aftermath. 

If Smacker’s experience is typical of schoolboys, Miss Cook-Bell should be reinstated forthwith, with a generous raise in her salary.

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oh dear. hope my employer doesn't read my blog, I'd be fired for sure. ;)
Oh good grief, is this what our school have come to. There was no FB in my day and still us boys would pull ourselves off thinking about our hot chemistry teacher, Miss M, who also taught the girl's netball... she'd run around the court in a skirt too short to be practical as such and was justly paid for it. Better that these boys milk themselves over a tasteful pic of their headmistress rather than a horridly lurid picture of Kerry Katona that they find on the internet.
Nothing wrong with looking at teachers big boobs
A young Dr. Ken started picturing his teachers naked in around the 4th grade, even ones with terrible bodies. You sit in your desk and stare at a woman for 6 hours in any capacity, and your mind is going to consider what she'd look like in the buff. It's only natural.
When I was in high school, my math teacher was in her late 20s. She was a knockout, at least in my eyes. I lean slightly towards the nerdy type, so it's not like she was a super model. Still, great body, good looking, good personality.

I keep hearing stories about children having sex with their teachers and I wonder where that sort of thing was when I was in school.
I enjoyed your anecdote, thoroughly, but pissed about the Christian sponsored school having a fit over the school teacher, talking about suspending her for the pics. I read the story from your link. It's clear they were vacation or just recreational pics. She wasn't trying to lure male students into a teacher/pupil sexathon. What a bunch of dumbasses!

I think all guys, young and old, prefer wanking it to girls/women they know or associated with somehow. In their minds, they know it's more of a possibility that they could have sex with them, therefore, it makes the wanking experience just that much more pleasurable. Trust me. I know about these things. :)
Hello lover- The thought of you as a young school ape has me reeling! I'm sure your mistress was a wonderful one... look how well you've turned out=) I think all this nonsense about political correctness has led to a lot of boring corporate nonsense. There's such a thing as good manners without it. And if that means a teacher wants to post a picture of herself on vacay then good for her! The other losers need your help removing the large pole from their backsides...
Email me Bananas!! Would love to talk=)
Remember, GB, not all boys have the gentle prodding skills that you were blessed with.

That's part of what makes you so appealing to female primates.
I'd like a friend named Smacker Ramrod. He sounds like fun
the pupils will be sad to see her go. lol
Stacie: Hello, Stacie. Hopefully your employer is a little more tolerant.

Steve: Headmistress, you say? That sounds a bit kinky to me. Weren't you in awe of your headmistress? Or was it a "Who's Your Daddy?" thing?

JTILIS: Has a man ever said "Who's Your Daddy?" to you, Miss?

Dr Kenneth: Well, quite. Did you manage to get any physical contact? Some teachers used to hug their pupils.

Chris: These incidents get reported because they're so very rare. I hate it when the school teacher gets into trouble on such occasions.

Kelly: Yeah, man, I bet you've had some great wanks thinking about women you know. Did you go steady with one woman at a time or were you a wank cheat?

Auri: I've got a feeling that what they don't really like is that fact that's she's a single woman having a healthy sex life. I'll be in touch soon!

Bschooled: Thank you, kindly, Ms Bschooled. I would never prod a female harder than she wanted me to!

Nursemyra: He was a great ladies man, Nursie, you would have liked him.

Arts Web Show: They would indeed, but let's hope she keeps her job.
I can't believe they fired her for that! That's absolutely ridiculous.
So GB or should I call you Smacker, I bet there's a few Women playing with themselves now thinking of your hairy loins.
Keep in touch with yourself.
it's nice that the young lady thought enough of her pupils to give them a little eye candy but her lack of foresight and naivety bring her suitability of a teacher of young men into question.

young men must be taught to think several moves ahead in the game or they're destined to be pawns all their life rather than being elevated to kings.
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My niece may be going to HS to teach and this is a worry because she is quiet friendly and a beautiful 21 year old.

What turmoil to put these boys in.

Niece was told if she taught...Keep face book/my space/whatnot private.

You never know who's lurking and who may want you to just....go away.

Hopefully they just reprimand her. Evidently you're not allowed to have a life if you're a teacher. At least not publicly.
Here, here. Reinstate her for the sake of the young men's(and ladies)futures. It is of the utmost necessity.

I also feel that all adult Magazines should make available their models for the purposes of teaching. Let it be done!
Are you serious? This is the picture? Wow, those Brits are much more prudish than I thought. xo
I fell in love with Mrs. Comensky, my high school English teacher. See appeared to be fond of me as well, I am not sure how her husband entered into the equation, but then math was not my strong suit.

I confined my "practicing" for my hopeful eventual marriage looking at pictures from the magazines we lifted from my friend's father's trash can. I would never have "practiced" with a picture of Mrs. Mrs. Comensky, though... for fear such would reawaken my troublesome stutter.
Ah... how times have changed. Many moons ago in my previous career as a teacher, I remember being told not to even smile for the first term. Nowadays teachers have to worry about flashing significantly more than a set of dentures...
Raven: They haven't fired her yet, but yes it's ridiculous.

Rubbish: Hah! I've never published a picture of my loins, so females who fantasized about them would be indulging in pure speculation.

Billy: Guile and foresight are certainly useful skills, but I'm not convinced that young men should learn them from their schoolmistress. She has enough on her hands without teaching boys to be cunning.

Martyrmom: I am sure her pupils will adore her, Martyrmom. I would expect most schools to be more tolerant that the one Miss Cook-Bell works for, but a little discretion on her part would be no bad thing.

Alpha Za: Ah, so you favour the "Who's Your Daddy?" magazine method, do you? Are there no attractive school teachers in Pakistan?

Robyn: That's the only picture I could find of her, Robyn, but she didn't publish any nude ones. My theory is that the school disliked all the hints she was giving about her sexual activity. Yes, they are prudes.

Robert: Did you never think of Mrs Comensky when you were "practising"? Or is it not what one does when one is in love with someone?

J: Hello, Miss J, it's nice to see you here! So you were a schoolmistress! I wonder if any boys had a crush on you!
My emploery insists that I leave my hair long. And about half of my ideas come from her.
Well... I did honestly have one student (not high school, I hasten to add) who felt sufficiently um...moved to get my name TATTOOED on his ring finger. Seriously.

And of course, I was a very strict teacher so....
This is a very short sighted move on the part of the school. Once boys' objects of desire are removed, sure as eggs is eggs, they will turn to brownhatting and spying for the Russians.
You can consider my capacity for empathy successfully enhanced. I might even ask you to teach me a few of your acquired skills. I’ve never quite gotten the hang of giving a female a piggy back without them becoming overly excited. No, the results can, at times, be horrific.

I hate prudish society.
Whoa, they can fire you for that? I remember the days when my teacher locked a girl in the cupboard, or when the teacher whacked a pupil around the head with a keyboard and simply got taken away for 'mental assessment'.

Poor woman.
Fred: Keeping your hair long is the least you could do for a woman who's given you so many ideas.

J: He must have been utterly besotted with you, Miss J! I think we can take it as read that he was imagining your nubile body when spanking the monkey.

Jon: Ah yes, that must have been why Guy Burgess became a traitor. If you deny a boy classroom totty, his only outlet will be espionage.

Scott: It's all in the shoulder action. You've got to keep them relaxed rather than shrugging or flexing.

Rachel: Locking a girl in a cupboard is extreme behaviour for even the school bully, Rach. I hope "mental assessment" meant sending the teacher to the funny farm.
If boys are to learn by sitting still at desks for excruciatingly long periods of time, there must be a bloody good reason for having them do so. A lovely young teacher enveloped by soft light from the window sure as the deuce couldn't hurt.

Oh yeah... when Miss Lake, my teacher in Grade Five, got married, I thought I had been shot in the scrotum by a bazooka.
Hey gorilla, I've got an award over at my blog for ya to take. (The LOL Award). If you want, choose five other worthy recipients of it.

Later, dude.
Smacker's not related to the Ukranian prOn star Slobadownmacockyerbitsch?
Auri, if you want to seduce a gorilla, get a fruity hat like mine. GB loves to nibble on my bananas, don't you Fluffykins?
Doctor B: How right you are, Doctor. It also gives them an incentive to work hard so they can become the teacher's pet. I'm sorry to hear that Miss Lake's nuptials dealt you such an emasculating wound. The correct tactic would have been to ask her questions about her fiancé until she mentioned one of his faults. You could have then said: "He doesn't deserve a woman like you!". Betrothed women love hearing that line.

Kelly: Thank you, Sir! I accept your award with as much humility as a silverback is capable of.

Natalia: He's not a porn star, Natalia, although he trained hard for the job in his younger days. If you search this blog for the name "Smacker Ramrod" you'll find many posts which refer to him. It is not an alias.

Lady Daphne: I could never resist a nibble of your fruit, milady, although your tomatoes were occasionally overripe. I'll give Auri plenty of notice so she can order fresh produce for the occasion.
I'm sorry. The only thing I can think about at this point is how her ponytails look like lower versions of Jim Carrey's in this picture:
This young lady chose the wrong religion to patronise with her person. The pagans that you rightly scorn below now have the right to establish grant-maintained schools, where alongside maths they will instruct youngsters in stripping the willow, chasing the hare and skulling - all wholesome and godly activities if you're a debased heathen Welsh. Get in, Ms Cook-Bell.
Thanks to Kelly's LOL mention at the outrageous, and of course fun-loving blog Psycho Carnival, I'm happy to have found your site. You really keep abreast of the news! I just will never understand why big boobs in power have no tolerance for booby visuals. I have a feeling Gorilla Bananas could go ape over them and still be able to study his lessons. Congrats on your LOL award! I like the concept of the world seen through your simian eyes.
Honeysuckle sounds very classy Mr Bananas. The nerve of this teacher though.. with that lusty, hypersexualised look in her eye ..what a predator.
I rather enjoyed contemplating my gentlemen teachers, especially my music teachers. It must have been their long sensitive fingers.
Kelley: There's no need to apologise, Kelley. I'm sure we've all thought of Jim Carrey's ponytails at one time or another.

The Snee: Hello and welcome, Mr Snee! You are quite correct that the sight of bosom flesh has never impaired my learning faculties.

CSR: Miss Honeysuckle was a true English rose, Ms CSR. It's a pity I had to let her go.

Madame Defarge: You were right to admire their musical fingers, Madame D. Very good for plucking strings and covering holes.
Another travesty, killer of teen dreams:

I've been reading your blog for a few years now. May have had a couple of comments here and there. I've started my own blog recently; you're one of my inspirations.
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