Friday, November 26, 2010

Gay strife

Gay activists are protesting about a German zoo’s decision to split up a pair of male vultures. The zoo says they were being harassed by other vultures who took exception to their unconventional lifestyle. On balance, I think the zoo acted correctly. There is no defence against queer-bashing vultures – once those rowdy birds gang up with malign intent, the victims may as well fly to New Zealand. The heartbreak suffered by the separated couple could be eased by giving them an extra helping of offal for breakfast. Anyone who’s studied vultures knows that food comes before romance in their list of priorities. 

Humans occasionally ask me whether gay gorillas exist. I tell them the percentages are similar to the human population. The main difference is that no male gorilla, to my knowledge, has ever willingly taken it up the butt. Gorillas in all-male pairings always play the active role in relationships with smaller apes. A gorilla of this disposition lives in our neighbourhood – his name is Passion Fruit and he’s involved with a male chimpanzee. The two are pretty much inseparable, so it was quite a surprise when Passion Fruit turned up unaccompanied to the Annual Simian Convention. 

“Hey, Passion Fruit, where’s your bitch?” cried a cheeky monkey from the tree tops. 

“How dare you call him a bitch?!” shouted Passion Fruit furiously. “You’d better stay where you are, because if I catch you on the ground I’m going to tie a knot in your tail!” 

I later told the monkey that “catamite” was a more polite word than “bitch”, but either word was less prudent than keeping his mouth shut. The monkey who casts aspersions on a gorilla’s private life does so at his own peril. 

Baboons are the most homophobic of all the hairy primates – it’s because of the complex they have about their behinds. Heterosexual male baboons are tormented by the fear that people will think their exposed rump is a sign of gayness. That’s why they are so hard on baboons who are genuinely gay, driving them mercilessly into exile. I took pity on one such refugee as he sat forlornly on a tree stump: 

“You may stay with my females and groom them until you find a permanent home,” I said. 

The baboon accepted my offer with pathetic gratitude. My females were pleased as well – a gay hairdresser is a major status symbol in the jungle. 

The biggest gay-bashers in Africa are neither vultures nor baboons, however. That dubious honour belongs to various outspoken clergymen who accuse homosexuals of improbable practices such as eating each other’s poo poo. I remember the embarrassment caused by Bishop Badongo of Burkina Faso when he stayed at the safari guesthouse: 

“Who is that poofter?” he asked in a loud voice, pointing at a nattily dressed Austrian man. 

“Please sheath your finger and moderate your tone of voice!” I demanded in a firm whisper. 

I later told the bishop that we would be forced to ask him to leave if he assailed us with another of his boorish ejaculations.

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I had no idea that baboons were self conscious of their behinds I mean I have always tried not to look but it is like trying to not look at a train wreck...
Happy Thanksgiving...thankful for your support..Just so you know I'm not being soft...I'm just saying
I don't know if this is topical or not, dude, but I once knew a dude who liked wearing a gorilla costume and he most certainly enjoyed taking it up the butt. He even had a special hole in the suit and everything. Was that TMI? I'm thinking yes but at the same time the world kinda has to know. You might wonder how an impossibly straight dude like my good self even knows this and well, that's a story for another night. Suffice to say, alcohol has great potential for evil.
having just had a prostate exam i find this a rather touchy subject. i suspect many bishops rather enjoy getting their bi-weekly prostate exam.
I am pleased to hear you were so amiable as to accommodate the poor, exiled baboon. Those other baboons could definitely learn a page or two from your book!
Fortunately the Pope has recently approved the use of condoms between gay Homo sapien males (still not approved for Catholic married couples). Perhaps as he ages, the Pontiff will extend the papal finger to include animals of closer DNA relation. What a guy, that Pope.
May I ask what is the name of Passion Fruit's male companion ?
Everyone needs a gay male hairdresser in their life
It is OK to be metrosexual?
JTILIS: I don't blame them for being self-conscious about their bottoms, Miss. We gorillas are proud of ours, as I'm sure you are of yours.

Tony Spunk: Why did he dress up in a gorilla suit? Was he ashamed, or just hoping to get boinked by a gorilla? No gorilla would have touched him, of course.

Billy: As long as you don't enjoy it you're still playing for the same team, Billy.

Ivana: Thanks, Ivana. It's easy for us gorillas to be magnanimous because we're proud of our magnificent rumps.

Robert: Yes, I heard about that ruling of Pope Benny. Is it technically a Papal Bull?

Jaya: He used to be called Sylvester when he lived with the chimps, but changed him name to Tweety Pie after moving in with Passion Fruit.

Nursemyra: I'm sure women appreciate their sensitive touch, Nursie.

Steve: Metrosexual = Very Gay. So yes, it's fine.
Damned clergymen. They're the biggest shit-stirrers.
Good one
So much info. Who knew? In the future I'll try to keep my staring at a baboon's ass to a minimum.
Wow. I learned about gay primates today, and I feel like I'm part of the gay primate community now.
The video of that gay bashing preacher idiot was funny. Personally, I'm prejudiced against gay bashing idiots. I think they secretly dig dudes and show their hypocrisy saying how much they're against sexual preference choices.

Btw, that was mighty generous of you to share your jungle abode with the verbally abused refugee. Does he work for his keep by doing the dishes or taking out the trash? Sometimes baboons can take advantage of you.
This also explains why babboons are so angry. And ministers too. It's all the ejaculating they do. That would get to anybody.
I guess clergymen never really evolved with the rest of the species. I'm not surprised.

I love gay vultures. Please tell them that.
I don't know, GB. I think those vultures should've been allowed to prey upon each other publicly. The others were just jealous. It's all part of the hypocrisy your other readers are referencing.
This post should really be used by zoology majors.. what insights ..especially about the baboon complex, it all makes sense now haha

Hope you're well Mr Bananas
Kyknoord: That's because their minds are like sewers.

Jaya: Thank you, Ma'am! Are you a fan of the cartoon?

Bodaciousb: Staring at their bottoms is OK because they can't see you. Just don't titter.

Dr Ken: I'll send you a "gay primate" t-shirt.

Kelly: The video was funny and depressing at the same time. That pastor was having the time of his life telling people about anal-licking and poo-poo eating. I would have asked him whether he'd rather do it with a man or a female baboon.

Fred: For most people, ejaculating lets off steam rather than building it up. Maybe clergymen are different. Hope it works OK for you.

V&GB: Gay vultures would love you too, Miss Vodka. If you adopted a pair, they'd go shopping with you and give you a makeover.

Robyn: You could be right, Robyn. The zoo could have hired an eagle to be their bodyguard.

CSR: Hello, dear Miss, I'm glad you found the post informative. I am very well indeed and I hope you are the same.
Gorilla: Can I get a key chain instead? I collect them.
I figure if you're a bird who belongs to a species that eats week-old roadkill, you're entitled to boink your best mate... just to get the taste out of your mouth.
Interesting. I thought all baboons were gay and they just shaved their butts to "show off the goods".
Are they sure the other vultures are picking on them because they're gay? Maybe they're just assholes.
Today I’m flying my rainbow flag, which is now stained with thrown feces, at half mast in honor of Passion Fruit and the two vultures. If we can stop discrimination in the animal kingdom we can throw our shit, literally, at the assholes that discriminate in human society.
haha, I loved the bit about the baboons, their behinds and the gay hair dresser. Bravo.

Incidentally, what is the gorilla view on Transexuals? Do they appear in the Gorilla race as well?
Yes I am...bootie Delicious
I've never got my head around why so many people are so hung up on animals or people being gay.
i really don't know where to start with this.

first of all, they split them up so they could mate them. not because they disagree with their life choice.

do people realize there are like tons of children in the world starving right now? i mean, where along the line has it come more important to waste time protesting a bird situation than, say, genocide?

just a thought WORLD!

p.s. who are you?
Dr Ken: A gay primate key chain? How to make it gay enough? I'd have to find skilled craftsman to design a butt-sex motif.

Dr Boogaloo: I've not seem them use their beaks in sex acts, Doctor, but that's probably because they haven't thought of it. Just one dirty beak picture and they'd all be doing it.

Ms Bschooled: That's just the attitude that has given male baboons a complex, Ms B. I hope you'll make amends the next time you see them.

Tattytiara: Are you suggesting they provoked the attacks? That would be pure speculation. I don't blame the victim without solid evidence.

Scott: Your commitment to the cause is admirable, but you shouldn't throw shit around needlessly. Did you see the video? The clergymen are accusing the gays of being poo-poo fiends, so let's not add grist to their mill.

Alpha Za: I don't know of any transgendered gorillas, but I'm on good terms with the humans of that configuration.

JTILIS: That's good to hear, Miss. I hope it stays as firm as a peach.

Mark Sanderson: Could it be an irrational fear of having their bottoms pinched?

Ms Bluntdelivery: True, but small injustices can lead to bigger ones. And what about the other vultures beating up on them? Doesn't that stir your righteous passion?
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