Wednesday, December 01, 2010

A Baleful performance

I‘ve recently discovered that the actor Christian Bale is Welsh. He hides it very well, I must say. Gone are the days when Richard Burton would majestically utter the lines of a Roman nobleman in a rich Port Talbot drawl. Even the great Anthony Hopkins puts on an American accent for most of his screen roles. How much more seductive Hannibal Lecter would have been as a Welshman, beguiling the prissy Agent Starling with his sing-songy vowels and lubricious charm. You wouldn’t have blinked an eye if she’d let him nibble her tender parts. 

Mr Bale’s suppression of his Welshness has not brought him peace of mind. In a recent interview with Esquire magazine, he complained that being a film star was a humiliating job that made him feel like a sissy. 

“I learned there’s a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly,” he explained. 

In a way, that’s quite fitting. A shrewd observer once said that the Welsh were a nation that had nothing to be ashamed of and plenty to be embarrassed about. Yet, anyone who makes millions of dollars from showing off in front of a camera ought to be immune from such concerns. It is true that Bale has a tendency to fly off the handle and make an ass of himself, but people expect that of film stars. The hurdle of absurdity has been set pretty high ever since Mel Gibson starting channelling Mad Max. 

Real embarrassment is what humans suffer when they are caught doing something totally at variance with their public image. Here are two recent examples: 

• Australian rugby player Joel Monaghan is photographed simulating oral sex with a dog. 

• English nurse Jayne Reed confesses to a three-in-a-bed romp with a 46-year-old man and an 18-year-old girl. 

The rugby player is wisely seeking political asylum in Europe. An Australian sportsman who lets a dog sniff his groin is shown no mercy when he appears before thousands of beer-guzzling larrikins. They will bark at him until he feels like a bitch in heat. Making a dignified exit is better than being hounded out of your country. 

The case of the nurse is more complex. The man and the girl were patients, so what she did was arguably a form of post-operative therapy. Even if her intention was purely recreational, one can see a method in her madness. If you’re into heavy petting, four arms are better than two, and two heads are better than one. Not being sure who was doing what might have added to the thrill. 

However, one aspect of the nurse’s conduct will bring her unending lifelong shame. She referred to her bed-mates as “Daddy Bear” and “Baby Bear”, while styling herself as “Mummy Bear”. On hearing this revelation, the panel adjudicating her case groaned loudly and rubbed biscuits into their faces. A woman who seeks to enact the Goldilocks fable in her sexual escapades is sappier than a gum tree – she must be forced to suck lollipops until her tongue turns orange.

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I always preferred Hansel & Gretel and would be happy to let some appropriately dressed witch eat me all up. Was the rugby player reenacting Little Red Riding Hood by any chance... wolves are hard to come by these days whereas dogs are much more commonplace. One can't blame him for being lazy.
I'd prefer reenacting the Three Little Pigs. At least there's the promise of potential home improvement involved.
i once saw dogs in a threesome. dont ask me how it works among dogs, but i seriously thought the one pair was a siamese twin, joined by a third dog.
Tessa and I read that interview, too, and we were confused as hell. I hope they interview him again in five years or so, because Christian himself seemed so confused he didn't know what he thought. I understand that. I really do. But Esquire must have been shitting themselves over the piece. All the readers are saying, "That the fuck is this?" Only a superstar could get away with it.
I meant "What the fuck is this?" Sorry. Sorry I wrote fuck twice in your comments. No. Thrice. And I'm sorry I wrote thrice. There's no excuse for that.
I'm too busy laughing at what Fred said to be embarrassed about my fellow Aussie and his doggone debacle
I will never look at the 3 bears story the same again...horny bears
It is a sick, sick world, GB. Be glad you are of the superior species. xo
I still remember that big news story that Christian Bale got into a fight with his mom and maybe other family members. He has a real problem with anger management, it seems. But that's his problem. Mel Gibson's antics catch the fancy of the public's eye, too, no doubt. Again, it's not really news in the sense that it's important. I would consider my latest dump in the shitter much more significant. Even more so, if it contains corn or incompletely digested kidney beans.

Nurse "Mummy Bear" Reed is a real caregiver that should be admired for her efforts going beyond the call of duty. What a gal! Love the gap between her rotten English teeth. I bet all the patients are lining up for her "special treatments". Good for her.
Nurse in three-in-a-bed romp and rugby player performs oral sex on a dog.

And these thinks are unusal in what way???
Steve: And I though wanting to be eaten was a strictly German perversion. The witch is a new angle, though. What part of you did you want her to eat first, if that isn't an obvious question?

Madame Defarge: There's certainly a lot of blowing, Madame D, but the home improvements come at the expense of making the wolf puffed out.

Jaya: I believe they mate facing in opposite directions rather than "doggie style".

Fred: I guess he was saying the first thing that came into his head. I've got a feeling he was babbling nonsense to avoid talking about those embarrassing incidents.

Nursemyra: Have you seen the photo of him with the dog, Nursie?

BS&BC: Hello twins! At least it ended before Goldilocks jumped into bed with them.

Robyn: I don't think of myself as superior, Robyn. Just a little less excitable.

Kelly: Mel Gibson told his ex-girlfriend that he would burn her house down if she didn't give him a blowjob. Not important news, I agree, but a notable threat to make. I like the nurse too, but how could anyone find bear talk sexy?

Jon: Such incidents are all too common, I agree. But sadly, they still appear to cause embarrassment.
i might stick with the 18 year old and tell the good nurse that her services wouldn't be needed.
Fairy tales have come a long way. There once was a man who dressed as a lady who went down by the docks every night...
Spare a thought for the poor dog. Won't be able to show its face in polite society ever again.
My favourite bit of that interview (full version here: was when it said that Bale ordered a Stella Artois. A Wifebeater for the wife beater. Poetic.
Greetings Gorilla Bananas,
I have noted that famous Welsh folks have a tendency to hide their accent, rather well. Catherine Zeta Jones would be an excellent example of how to acquire a good ol' American accent, in lightning quick time.
I have been to Wales, on numerous occasions. I observed them reverting to the Welsh language whenever an English person visited a local pub. This involved smirking and giving the English person rather strange looks.
And Jayne Reed. Those teeth, oral sex, equals um 'thanks but no thanks'..
Take care and thank you for a highly amusing posting.
In kindness and a Welsh choir, your way, Gary:-)
Billy: I don't think she's the kind of woman who'd take no for an answer. She certainly wouldn't let you keep Baby Bear to yourself.

Bodaciousb: It sounds as if he was following a well-worn path. I hope no harm befell him.

Kyknoord: Yes, he needs to find a quiet kennel in the outback where he can lie low for a while.

Rachel: I'd never heard of that nickname, Rach. I wonder if it really makes men more aggressive than other beers. I suspect Mr Bale would get rowdy if you gave him a glass of shandy.

Klahanie: Ah, you should introduce yourself to No Good Boyo if you haven't already done so. He's a master of the Welsh tongue and might giving you a few tips. I suspect they'd treat you more kindly if you spoke in a French accent.
I'm impressed that you got from Hugh Jackman to nurses and ball gags. This site has no bounds, and that's a good thing.
Frankly, I'd let anyone with a Welsh accent nibble my tender parts.
What's wrong with a therapeutic romp...why I had to do it with Dr. Goldenrod all the the ER
Your insights into matters Cambrian are always astute and well-sourced, GB, although on this occasion I suspect that the Oracle of Metro may have let you down. Bale was born in Wales, which allows him to claim Welshness anytime he likes, but his parents were English uitlanders. He was moreover born in Rhyl, which is a sort of Tangiers Interzone for Scousers too idle to thieve. As far as I know Bale has never sought Cymreictod, and we're in no hurry to thrust on someone who so patently disrespects his mam and failed to become James Bond.

As for Klahanie, I'll happily tutor him in the lore of the Black Book of Carmarthen if he can provide me the names of the pubs in which English-speaking Welshmen suddenly started to speak Welsh. Was it Pentacost, by chance? Hwyl.
I was just about to go into a rant about how Bale was born in Wales but as far as I'm concerned, he's English. No good boyo beat me to it though.
And as far as which pubs revert to Welsh when English people walk in well, any pub in Caernarvon for starters.
I don't understand what the big deal is? According to the article, she was a very attentive mummy bear. She even took baby bear to the cinema!

With so many families splitting up these days, you'd think they'd give her an award for being so dedicated.
Dr Ken: I didn't realise I had done those things, but thanks all the same for appreciating them. I like the name 'Jackman' - it's a classier version of 'Jackass'.

Le Dyke: Hello, Le Dyke! May I call you Miss Dyke? I'm sure you have plenty of parts worth nibbling. Are you talking about a Welsh accent like Richard Burton or a Welsh accent like Glenys Kinnock?

JTILIS: What an exciting life you lead, Miss! I hope the good Doctor Goldenrod measured up in the romping department.

Mr Boyo: Ah, so his Welshness is geographical rather than spiritual. I should have realised it from the lack of irony in his eyebrows.

Rubbish: Is Caernarvon a hotbed of anti-English sentiment then? Must be the bitter memory of Edward Longshanks.

Bschooled: I never realised she did that. I should read the articles I link more carefully. You're right, Ms Bschooled! If you take an 18-year-old girl to the pictures, you've earned the right to snuggle up with her!
I’m so freaking lucky that I’m not famous. I’d give the paparazzi so much to use. Every day. I just pick the most inopportune times to do the most thoughtless shit.

I finally got around to adding your talented yet hairy ass to my roll.
Christian Bale channeling the American Psycho would be the day. Sometimes I accidently call him Patrick Bateman
Scott: Yes, there are few delights to compare with being an anonymous buffoon.

Ms CSR: That's the only role I remember him as! Wait, did he play Batman?
Lots of beneficial reading here, many thanks! I was researching on yahoo when I identified your publish, I’m going to add your feed to Google Reader, I look forward to a lot more from you.
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