Monday, November 22, 2010

The art of flirting

A professor from the University of Kansas has published a paper about flirting. He identifies five main methods, ranging from “traditional” (man makes first move and behaves with impeccable manners) to “physical” (woman brushes buttocks against man’s thigh, causing him to gnash teeth and grab her jahoobies). 

The learned professor appears not to be aware of the latest on-line techniques. According to my friend Ms Tiny Temper, who is vainly searching for her Prince Charming on dating sites, a good many men have sent her photos of their todger. Fed up with being a magnet for flashers, she has taken measures to dissuade stray cocks from entering her hen house. I believe that most women share her distaste for men who expose themselves. It’s the sort of thing that might give a lady the vapours. 

Every rule has an exception, however. A woman in a position of power is generally perfectly at ease in the company of naked men, confident that no male organ would dare raise its head in the presence of an alpha female. Consider the example of Angela Merkel, chancellor of Germany, who had no qualms about entering the changing room of the German football team after another blitzkrieg performance. Most of the towelling players cheerfully accepted her congratulations, although a few bashful types placed their hands over their nipples. 

Frau Merkel’s political opponents have accused her of flirting for political gain. They claim she was soliciting the votes of Germany’s sportsmen by pretending to be the kind of woman who would jump into a communal bath with them and sing bawdy songs. The obvious question for her accusers is this: How do you know she was pretending? There is nothing wrong with a female politician joining the nation’s finest in their celebrations. I believe Mrs Thatcher did something very similar after the Iranian embassy siege. 

As a gorilla who is instinctively chivalrous to the human female, I have often wrongly been accused of flirting. I recall an incident from my circus days, when we hired a “glamour model” called Tracey to help us with our promotions. The female acrobats were given the job of looking after her, and seemed less than impressed with her airs and poses. Things came to a head when Tracey strutted before me in a pair of shiny hot-pants. 

“Does my bum look big in this, GB?” she asked coyly. 

“Not big enough for a gorilla,” I replied wistfully, “but it does look agreeably firm. A manual examination would allow me to give a more definitive opinion.” 

She giggled delightedly before blowing me a kiss and sauntering off. The acrobats had witnessed this exchange with stony faces. 

“You great big hairy flirt!” snorted one of them when Tracey was out of earshot. 

“Flirt?” I replied in a quizzical tone of voice. “That’s a strange epithet for one who honestly appraises a woman’s hindquarters.” 

My relations with the acrobats were strained for a while, but I eventually managed to sweeten them up with a dollop of jungle honey. 

Labels: , , ,

I dated an acrobat back when I was a young man in college. While in the act of bliss I suggested we try another position. "There are positions" my acrobatic girlfriend asked?

I will spare you any banal puns regarding her "bending over backwards" and such.
A manual examination... that's a good one.
have you ever had relations with a vietnamese gymnast? for some funny reason i'm drawn to them but have never had any success.
Ha. Brilliance.
12 yrs ago, my literature teacher told six of us girls that flirting is good for the soul.
in later years, i realised the truth in the advice :)
That's a funny article about the Chancellor. She's a bold woman. I think, in fairness, she should've taken her shirt off. Then again, they would've resented her visit even more if she had. xo
I guess I want my next job to be chancellor. Seems like fun.
But being of butch German origin wouldn't Angela Merkel have merely been accepted as one of the men?
Robert: Amazing! It never occurred to her that her profession gave her transferable skills. You must have opened up a whole new world for that young lady.

BodaciousB: Especially if you've got supple fingers.

Billy: I haven't, Billy, but I can see the attraction. Maybe you should widen the pool a little to include Chinese gymnasts. I should imagine you're more likely to meet one.

Justin: I'm not sure whether you're referring to the flirting or the writing, Justin, but I'll take it as a compliment either way.

Jaya J: You were lucky to have such a teacher, Jaya, and wise to act on her advice. Am I correct in supposing she was a woman?

Robyn: I think she bonded with the players during the World Cup, so it's not as if they were strangers. Any woman who aspires to be a leader of men should learn from her example.

Missed Periods: I am sure you have all the qualifications for the job, Ma'am. You write like a leader of men (and women).

Steve: That is nationalistic English mockery at its most impudent (but, thankfully, not its most vulgar). You should have read what No Good Boyo wrote about Frau Merkel. Said she was a poor man's Helen Mirren.
she was, indeed, a very inspiring woman, GB.
All political opponents are as full of shit as a Christmas goose. Julius Caesar's political opponents accused him of having sex with the gay king of Bythinia because Caesar convinced him to raise a navy for Rome. The label stuck for two thousand years.

By the way, I find you a perfect gentleman, or whatever gorillas call it. I am trying to be more like you.
Very prudent of those footballers. Frau Merkel's nipple-twists are legendary.
It's true. I have had my fill of todgers. Why can't these man just say 'Hello!' instead of filling my inbox with pictures of their purple peckers. And now I'm even more distressed to discover that I'm not an Alpha Female.
Oh the shame...
"Jungle honey"???? Is that what they call it now?
That comment about Margaret Thatcher is hysterical
Jaya: And good at flirting too, one assumes.

Fred: And I always thought he had fairly earned the title of "Queen of Bithynia". I feel so gullible. I am nevertheless flattered to be your role model.

Kyknoord: She's got the fingers for it, hasn't she? I bet she'd maintain eye contact as well.

Tiny Temper: You're too fond of laughter to be an alpha female, Ms Temper. That's why the peckers aren't scared of you.

Rubbish: It's what I've always called it, Rubbish. Is there another name for it in Cardiff?

Nursemyra: I believe an SAS man accidentally swore at her.
GB, your wisdom in the laws of nature is truly an inspiration direct from the wild kingdom. Have a great week. Will you be partaking in the annual Thanksgiving flirt feast, I mean flirt fest?
That girl with the leather undies is familiar. Hmmmmm.

Flirting is easy when you like the person and the person likes you, otherwise it's just creepy. But, sounds like you kick ass at it.
First off, 2 things: One, I wanna ram my meat kabobber right up that hottie's rooty-toot toot hole. And two... I just looked up the meaning of jahoobies in the Urban Dictionary and I'm astounded.

Those which is most sacred, cherished, and respected on the female body.
They often attract large crowds (see orgy) of male observers (see perverts) or male organs (see wangs). Also oftentimes licked or squeezed.

Hey, you let that lil' bashful flower, Tracy, go like that? You could have had some sweet, sweet jungle love with her, Gorilla? And by 'jungle honey', are you saying what I think you're saying? Hmmm?
I would have loved M. DeFarge to know about flirting. As it was, I relied upon the time honoured tradition of planting a big smacker on his lips. Even then, he thought I was just being friendly. I despaired.
Amongst my friends I was known as the 'fluffer' but after reading what urban dictionary has to say, I now realize I was just the pre-fluffer.
What are these "jahoobies" you speak of? Are they nostrils? They must be because those are perfect for grabbing on homosapiens.

I think flirting is mostly harmless. Women like flirting. It is their way of acquiring attention and reassurance that they are still physically and mentally attractive. If anything it should encourage men to sharpen their wits and engage women in ways that don't include the usual groping, slapping, drooling, and flashing. These are not endearing qualities -- except maybe to Bonobo chimps.

'Jungle honey' is a good expression..I'ma use it in my next lovemaking session which should go over just as well as groping, slapping, drooling, and flashing. . . Oh well, boys will be boys.
The Snee: I give thanks all year round for my feasting and flirting, but I'll peel an extra banana to mark your annual observance.

Dr Ken: If you once knew her, I hope you managed to flirt. She seems like a friendly type.

Kelly: I don't make a habit of chasing women, that's too King Kong. But I usually let them sit in my lap if they want to. Jungle honey is rich in natural sweetness. I'll send you a bottle if you want.

Madame Defarge: I'm glad he eventually had the good sense to make an honest women of you, Madame D. Not that you were ever a dishonest one, of course.

Martyrmom: Isn't pre-fluffing the same as flirting, Martyrmom?

Static: Grabbing human nostrils would difficult even with a pair of pliers. A horse's might be easier to get a grip on. Men who can flirt well are usually the most successful lovers. Women appreciate finesse.
No sir, I do not require any of your jungle honey. No matter how sweet you think it may be. From what I've heard rumored, your jungle honey attracts flies and poisonous lizards.

It's funny just how willing men are to show their willies over the internet. When Chat Roulette was big a few months ago, it lasted all of three seconds before most of it was just guys jerking off.
This was hilarious! Someday, somebody is going to have to explain to me what the vapors are and how to give them to a woman.

I’d show my penis more often but it would only invite ridicule. And possibly vapors.
You have my email. I await flirtatious pictures.
"A manual examination would allow me to give a more definitive opinion..."

That's literary panty-remover right there, GB.

Why, oh why do I live in a country so deficient in sweet-talking primates?
Kelly: Jungle honey attracts just about everything, which is why I keep it in a tightly sealed bottle. I can understand your reluctance to use it. Few men can handle the attention they get after rubbing it on their nipples.

Chris: I suppose the internet is where all the flashers go these days. It's one of the few places they can perform without getting arrested.

Scott: I think you can avoid causing the vapours if you only show it on request. Women don't like to be caught off guard.

Gucci Mama: I don't believe I do, Miss Gucci, but I'm not sure I have any suitable pictures in any case. We gorillas need to feel body heat before we get flirty.

Bschooled: You are too kind, Ms Bschooled. My jungle retreat is at your disposal, although I'd advise you to keep your knickers on as a last line of defence against snakes.
I think so, GB. I think pre-fluffing MUST be flirting....since I KNOW I'm not the real fluffer!
I think that manual examination was extremely kind of you. Such chivalry is one that I myself extol and look to match in my every day encounters with lady folk. One must always strive to helpful in times of need and generous in the allocation of hand placements.
Very interesting.

Manual examination huh?

Martyrmon: Fluffing has been a dying industry since the advent of Viagra, Martyrmon. You are wise not to tie your career to it.

Alpha Za: I'm glad to hear that, AZ. Remember to ask first, though. There is a fine line between a masseur and a groper.

Kittycat: Hello, Ms Kittycat. Do you like being stroked?
I just rubbed some of your patented Jungle Honey™ on my nipples...and I can't seem to get rid of the horseflies! ZOMG!! What do I do now?!!
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin