Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A strange affair

A 31-year-old woman in Ohio has pleaded guilty to “sexual imposition” after disguising herself as a man and seducing a 16-year-old girl. I am puzzled by several aspects of this case, and not necessarily because I’m a gorilla. I should imagine that Lieutenant Columbo himself would be scratching his head and asking searching questions if he were trying to get to the bottom of it. 

The first thing to wonder about is the charge. Not abduction or rape, but “sexual imposition”. What exactly does that mean? The manager of the safari camp thought it meant having sex with someone in an unusual position, but his intuitions in such matters are not to be trusted. If it refers to the cajoling and posturing that occurs prior to sexual activity, I don’t see why it’s a crime at all. Such behaviour is surely an integral part of courtship for humans, as it is for gorillas. My females and I are constantly at it – I impose myself on them, they impose themselves on me, and whoever seizes the high ground dictates the terms of surrender. Without this preliminary sparring, mating would be a namby-pamby affair lacking vigour or excitement. 

The facts of the case are even more perplexing. It seems that the teenage girl ran away from home to live with her “boyfriend” for an unspecified period of time. One has to wonder how the older woman managed to pull off the hoax. To sustain such a deception while the two were cohabiting as lovers would have required a disguise worthy of the Scarlet Pimpernel. Unable to make head or tail of it, I gave my friend Lady Chuffington a call: 

“It’s all quite plausible,” she said. “The torso of a flat-chested woman is not that different in appearance from a male one, and the girl was obviously brought up to believe that nice girls don’t look at men’s groins. She must come from a traditional American family of pilgrim stock. It’s quite sweet really.” 

“Indeed?” I replied. “And what about the consummation of their intimacy? Pilgrim stock or not, she must have noticed that something was missing from the experience.” 

“Really, Bananas!” exclaimed Her Ladyship. “She was a 16-year-old girl and a virgin I should hope. At that age, I wouldn’t have known the difference between a man’s appendage and a stick of celery! Not with the lights out, at any rate. I refuse to elaborate further – please use your imagination!” 

I paid my respects and terminated the call. 

Whatever happened with the lights out, the girl is now saying that she is afraid to walk her dog. I feel sorry for the dog, who must be wondering why its mistress is so horribly traumatised. If I were the girl’s counsellor, I would attempt to reassure her with the following words. 

“Falling in love with a woman who looks like a man is nothing to be ashamed of. Many notable people have done it, including Ann Heche, Virginia Woolf and King Edward VIII. Although hard to bear, such misfortunes can teach us valuable lessons. In time, you will put this troubling incident behind you.” 

If that doesn’t get her to walk the dog, I don’t know what will.

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I am baffled. I established the difference between little boys and little girls at an early age. Clearly, something was missing from her education. I blame the parents.
so i googled you and all that came up is this friggen blog.

me = not happy.

you = tell me who you are.

yes, that was a declarative sentence, not a question!?
Judging from her/his photo (I clicked on the link), she didn't have to go to great lengths to disguise herself as a man.

If she was a he and "imposed sexually" on the 16 year old, I bet he wouldn't even be prosecuted (the double standard and all.)

My dear Mr. Bananas, if you have any taste for legalese, here is a definition of sexual imposition:

It is, apparently, one of those wonders of the US legal system that we don't enjoy in India--the ability of each state to define a term in whatever way it sees fit and sentence accordingly, within certain very loose parameters. I believe adultery is a first-degree offence in some states still, while not a part of the criminal encyclopaedia at all in others.

The land of the free takes its freedom seriously.

And having befriended veterans of the ailing sex ed system from the midwest and south, I'm not surprised... much. Apparently several blushing young maidens couldn't identify the vital part of the male anatomy on a chart during a test, and a few of these were sexually active at that point. Of course, they might hav thought maidenly virtue would fetch them the passing mark.
i don't recall imposition being one of the seven deadly sins. if it's not a deadly sin, count me in.
I try to look at it the other way around. When I was 16, if a 31 year old woman tried to sleep with me and in the process uncorked six inches of man meat, I would not have been tricked. I just don't know what is wrong with kids these days.

Also, if that happened to me, I wouldn't be afraid of walking the dog, I'd be afraid of transvestites and dark alleys.
After reading the statute, the crime sounds very similar to what the Jehovah's Witnesses commit when they come to my door unannounced and attempt to force their religious pamphlets down my throat. It is most certainly an "imposition" which could easily turn sexual should they not make haste in departing.

Perhaps if I answer the door wearing only a long rain coat and ask them to guess my gender before I reveal the answer. That may indeed meet the letter of the statutes.
The Ohio definition goes a bit further.

I think Miss Dye must have been guilty of either 1 or 3, although I'm not sure that a sixteen year old who has run away to live with a man could be violated under section 3.

All most curious. My appendage doesn't look in the least like a stick of celery. A miscoloured courgette, perhaps, but celery, bo.
Madame Defarge: Perhaps the primary school system is at fault for not allowing children to play Doctors and Nurses.

Ms Bluntdelivery: I am a famous English comedian called Jimmy Tarbuck. The next time you're in Liverpool, I'll take you out for fish and chips.

Robyn: She's not a bad looking boy, is she? I'm sure many teenage girls have lost their innocence to uglier fellows.

Rimi: Thank for you that fascinating and disturbing anecdote, Rimi. I also blame the silly practice of switching out the lights before undressing.

Billy: It's no more deadly than an egg and spoon race.

ChrisV82: It would have been much worse with the sexes reversed. You can't compare the absence of something you were expecting with the presence of something you weren't. One is a disappointment, the other is a huge shock. I wouldn't have blamed you for being scared of walking of the dog after an experience like that.

Robert: Haha, maybe you should give them your own atheist pamphlets in return! Do you have any idea what Jehovah's witnesses are like in bed? Somehow, I can't imagine them really getting into it.

Jobrag: Thanks for that. So the crime is having sexual contact with someone who would find it offensive. I don't see how it's possible to do that without also committing rape.

Jon: If you ever stay at a nudist camp, I would advise you to keep out of the kitchen.
I suppose that fondling secondary sexual organs would fall short of rape, (by the way do lady Gorillas breasts' do anything for male Gorillas?), but it might get mixed up with sexual assault.
In the case of Miss Dye perhaps her victim was happy to consent to whatever a boy/man did to her but when it became clear that her lover was a woman she was less happy.
I clicked the link too. Is it weird that I think she's attractive? I like the androgynous look. If only she wasn't 4'11"
Jobrag--thank you for the link. I see your point vis a vis expectations and impositions, but really, I think it's a rather silly category. Matters such as these should only be pursued legally/criminally if someone forced an unwilling partner to have intercourse, or indulge in lighter monkey business, irrespective of unmet expectations or courtship lies. Those are par for course in all relationships.

After all, native stupidity and ignorance should be no concern of the state's. If one can't tell a man from a women in bed at sixteen, I think one should stop wasting time not walking the dog, and pick up a middle-school biology book.
That's crazy...not looking at the penis...I mean really I got to see all of it...and balls,...there might be shit growing on it...I guess in her inexperience lent in her not knowing what a real penis feels like and a dildo...You learn something new everyday!
I love everything about you. Take me to your jungle and live with me in your tree.
I was thinking of going on Should I throw in "Willing to be sexually imposed upon" in my profile?
Nursemyra: Not weird at all, Nursie, she's a very good-looking boy. Maybe she should think of an acting career.

Rimi: I agree with you, Rimi, with the proviso that there was no unwanted rough stuff with the lights off.

JTLIS: You are very sensible to check out a man's equipment before letting him work on your fixtures and fittings. Maybe you should give classes to teenage girls.

Gucci Mama: You are very sweet, Miss Gucci, but how can I be sure that your love is not a passing fancy? If you feel the same way a year from now, we'll get engaged.

V&GB: I wouldn't advise it, Ms Vodka, you might attract the wrong sorts. A photo of you riding a horse might give a better impression of your qualities.
Hilarious post GB! It does scare the shit out of me though.. This means I might be facing charges when I get back to the states. I can’t even count the times that I’ve passed myself off as Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Larry David, or sometimes as Angelina Jolie or Bea Arthur to secure a lovemaking. Oh god damnit!
It sounds like the making for a beautiful romantic comedy chick flick, Mr. Bananas. Rosie O' Donnell could play woman disguised as the guy (although I'm not entirely sure a disguise would be necessary in her case) and the 16 year old idiot girl would be played by Miley Cyrus.
This lady was clearly wasted on the moony teen. There are mottled youths she could have inducted, thereby saving their female peers the trouble. Suitably tutored, they'd return with a repertoire more extensive than the Trampoline Grunt.
Where do you find these stories?
Great read yet again GB, catch you soon. And Jimmy Tarbuck, really???
Thought he was dead.
Well, truth be told that 'boy' does look a little like a young Jimmy Tarbuck and is not unattractive.

Thinking back to when I was 16, I didn't like looking at groins much. I can remember several heavy petting sessions through opened fastenings where I kept my head turned resolutely away so I wouldn't have to look at it. I suspect that, whilst most teenage girls these days are fully versed in the differences between the sexes and have grown up on a diet of Hugh Jackman buffness, there may well still be a few who don't have a clue of what a man is supposed to look like in that area. So I can see how it could happen but not necessarily the motivation, although the woman could be sexually confused both mentally, physically and gynaecologically...?
I think you'll agree that the one suffering most from this tragedy is the dog.

Now that she can't go for walks anymore, her chances of tapping that young bitch from the dog park are pretty much non-existent.
Scott: Just make sure the woman sees you naked first, so she can't later claim you hid anything from her. Any fair-minded jury would then acquit.

Kelly: I've just looked up Rosie O'Donnell and found her picture. There's a Welsh sport called 'ladies rugby' that was designed for women of her build. You'd be a great casting director.

Mr Boyo: I'm not sure she's as versatile as you suggest. But if she is, they should release her from prison and treat it as a form of community service.

Rubbish: Tarby dead? Can't be! An event like that would make news headlines all over the world!

Joanna: I think we can safely infer that the older woman is a lesbian. Did willies grow on you as you got older, Joanna?

Bschooled: I certainly do agree, Ms Bschooled! We don't know the sex of the dog, but whatever it was there was no reason to make it the scapegoat (scapemutt?).
I bet celery has never tasted so good...
MrB, It's tough but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ;P
“Falling in love with a woman who looks like a man is nothing to be ashamed of. Many notable people have done it, including Ann Heche, Virginia Woolf and King Edward VIII.

Mrs. Simpson wore the pants in that family, to be sure.

Great piece. (I mean your post. Not -- the vapors take us -- Mrs. Simpson.)
Lieutenant Columbo looks rather embarrassed. Maybe he too was impositioned by the man-lady?
Steve: I'm actually rather fond of celery, being a vegetarian. Do you like greens, Steve, or are you more of a meat man?

Joanna: I'm sure their heartfelt gratitude brought a lump to your throat, Joanna.

Doctor B: Thanks, Boogs! I wonder what Mr Simpson saw in her?

Karen: Hello and welcome, Karen! I think Colombus asked too many annoying questions to get impositioned. Heaven knows how Mrs Columbus put up with him.
I've read the comments and I wonder if anyone thought that maybe, just maybe.....the woman/man never exposed her/his could have all been preformed orally.and the gal could have just been "packing" and not really allowed much touching in that area...couldn't that be true Mr. Columbo???
Me, I like meat and veg. But that is in no way meant as a euphemism.
Martyrmom: I don't know what "packing" means, but yes it could be true. However...wouldn't a virgin want to lose her virginity to the man she loves? And give him pleasure too?

Steve: Meat and two veg, one assumes. But you didn't order meat at the kebab shop, so you must be quite picky.
I challenge the contention of her virginity.

The poor Dog should never have to suffer.
Education 101

no telling what the woman/man may have been saying. A lady teacher here gave B.J.s all day long to a select few on the HS football team. She was arrested for this molestation but the boys never gave anything in return..well, I should say they never penetrated her or gave her oral pleasure...I don't understand it but it happens...weirder things have happened......
Alpha Za: You think she wasn't a virgin? That's interesting. She must have been playing a very deep game if she wasn't.

Martyr Mom: I think it's more understandable when a teacher is rewarding her students. Why the hell did they arrest her?
All I know is that I plan to toss "sexual imposition" into conversation pretty regularly from now on.

E.G. " that a sexual imposition in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"I just flew in...and boy is my sexual imposition tired."

"I had the weirdest sexual imposition at the office today..."

People will want to talk to me a lot more.
And talk about you as well. I'm sure you'll be the talk of the town.
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