Wednesday, October 06, 2010

She's bad!

A German grandmother aged 50 has embarked on a career as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Before fans of the late great Jacko bite their kneecaps in horror, they should note that Großmutter Christine Guntrip is eminently qualified for the role, having shed 32 kg to make herself as svelte as MJ, and studiously avoided sunlight to keep herself as pale. Obviously she will sing the songs in a German accent, with the odd “ich” and “liebe” thrown in, but you can’t have everything. 

Frau Guntrip laughed off suggestions that she would be putting vegetables in her knickers to bridge the gender divide: 

“When you get to my age, there is enough natural stuff down there to fool the casual observer,” she explained. “Maybe I will stick a little zwiebel inside before doing dances where the crotch is making in-out movements.” 

This seems like a sensible approach. I find it hard to believe that Jacko’s fans were remotely interested in the contents of his underpants – indeed, only his detractors seemed preoccupied with such matters. I would advise Frau Guntrip to take her act to Las Vegas, where the celebrity impersonator is a respected pillar of the community. In that golden city, Elvis Presley look-alikes officiate weddings, sell life assurance and give children lessons in road safety. If she can’t make it there, she may as well throw in the towel… and throw out the zwiebel. 

The one big thing in her favour is her age. A 50-year old woman has many natural advantages as an entertainer: her face is more expressive, her voice is more confident and her wobbly bits make her more suited to comedy. It is the perfect time in a woman’s life to throw caution to the wind and let it all hang out. 

Back in my circus days, I was often approached by nubile young women who dreamt of a show business career. If they were hoping for encouragement, they had come to the wrong ape. 

“Don’t do it!” I exclaimed. “You will be deceived and exploited by lecherous impresarios at every turn! Now is the time in your life to find a stable occupation or a rich husband. Don’t even think about entertaining the masses until you have passed your child-bearing years and acquired a solid foundation.” 

More often than not, women who hit the big time at a tender age go off the rails. Consider the case of Marianne Faithful, who became a successful pop singer at the age of 19. Premature stardom went to her pretty little head, causing her to leave her respectable husband for the Rolling Stones. As she later wrote in her autobiography: 

"My first move was to get a Rolling Stone as a boyfriend. I slept with three and decided the lead singer was the best bet." 

Her licentious conniving did her no good. Jagger was obviously a very bad influence, inspiring her to mimic his degenerate lifestyle of drug-taking and debauchery. Among her many notorious deeds was an act of self-penetration with a chocolate bar at a libertine party in Soho. However successful Frau Guntrip is in her new career, I am pretty confident that her coochie will remain a chocolate-free zone.

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The REAL Michael Jackson used to give me nightmares; now the specter of Frau Guntrip is an example of the profane being heaped upon the absurd. My delicate neurons are unable to grapple... Quick, a Vulcan Mind Wipe least I lose it entirely.
I got bit by a girly zwiebel once. Soon afterwards, I bit her knee caps in riotous joy. And then I got a boner. What's a zwiebel, again?

Frau Guntrip will go far in Vegas. I must agree. People praise MJ there like one of Elvis' much treasured peanut butter/banana sandwich. Glory hallah-you-ya!

Your tantalizing story has given me much to ponder and dwell upon. I shall now go forth and fondle myself in pious prayer. Amen.
Oy, I really wish I hadn't read that last bit on chocolate. Let me go back and re-read the part about that 50 year old woman's crotch.
I think the good Frau may be menopausal
This is excellent. People should be encouraged to retrain in later life and Frau Guntrip is an inspiration.

Once she has taken Vagas, complete, no doubt, with as many groupies as her crotch can handle, I am sure that a lucrative living will be hers on the motivational speaking circuit.
i've heard that chocolate bars are a gateway prop leading to the harder stuff such as ping pong balls.

was this the case in the circus?
EXCUSE ME....but chocolate can be enjoyed at any age!
Only dark chocolate in the box please!!!
"a little zwiebel inside"... why, that's enough to bring tears to my eyes.
Robert: Actually, I think she might be different enough from the real MJ not to bring back painful memories. If not, one of your ginger ale cocktails might do the trick.

Kelly: Why are you getting so horny all of a sudden? I didn't mention anything sexy, did I? You must have a high sex drive, I suppose.

Robyn: It's a true story, Robyn, a policeman saw her doing it. She denied it later, but do you believe her?

Nursemyra: Is there anything she should be taking, Nursie?

John: I'm racking my brains to imagine the kind of groupies that Frau Gunslip would attract. It's hard enough to imagine the real MJ having them.

Billy: Those kind of activities went on in the trailers rather than in the ring. Gusset ping pong would be a difficult one for parents to explain to the kiddies.

Martyrmom: I am shocked that a respectable wife and mother could be on such intimate terms with chocolate. What else do you get up to, my good woman?

Ms Toast Burner: Quite right, Ms TB, that's exactly what an onion does. Don't you have to cut it first, though?
I applaud Christine Guntrip's new career as a Michael Jackson impersonator. The resemblance is absolutely uncanny ;) I am polishing up my bible and getting ready for a career as a Sarah Palin impersonator and am having my hymen specially sealed for my debut at the local evangelical church.
I heard a report on NPR today that people were working well past retirement age. They didn't mention that they were doing it by Moonwalking.
I totally agree. There should be no-one under the age of forty represented at all in any media.

Porn in particular will be revolutionised.
That is sure one hard core fan I'd say.
Her coochie will remain a chocolate free zone! I am in a public place, how do I control my spasms of laughter?
Dude, I've always had a high sex drive. If someone blows out a birthday candle 50 miles away from me, I get a good, right stiffy.

Well, I used to. Problem is... My dick don't work no mo. Please, no tears, Mr. Gorilla. But, at least I still have my fantasies. Oh good lordy, don't take them away from me. I'm barely holding on now. Not holding onto my dick, mind you.

Good day.
It'll never work out for her. She's not white enough to be Michael.
well that renders the old chocolate/sex dilemma superfluous.. it appears that women don't need to choose between the two.. according to Marianne you can enjoy both at the same time :s
As bizarre as Michael Jackson was, I think a 50 year old German woman would be great.

By the way, is this a friend of yours -
Emma: I would definitely be a fan of yours, Emma. You'd be the perfect born-again virgin.

Missed Periods: I wonder if Frau Guntrip has mastered the moonwalk. I'll have to search You Tube.

The Jules: I believe there's already a niche market for porn featuring older ladies. There's something more honest about them.

David Miller: Well, let's hope she doesn't get too hard core.

Sandra: Biting hard on something usually helps, Sandra.

Kelly: I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. I could send you some of our natural jungle aphrodisiacs. In the meantime, you could try using a butt-plug to inject some life in the old dawg.

Heff: Yeah, but a lot of people might enjoy seeing a black version of Michael Jackson.

Ivana: Good point, although it's a pity there are no taste buds in the vagina.

Chris: An obvious mountebank, my dear fellow.
Just a Zwiebel? Surely two Zwiebels and a Bratwurst.
haha, I can't wait to see the youtube videos on this one.

Susan Boyle certainly makes your point for you.

Great post man!
Well, good for her for living her dream. But really...she should just hang it up.

Btw, I responded to your comments. =)
Japan vs India's Space Program
She sort of looks like Weird Al mixed with MJ.
She is the same age as MJ - were he still with us. I never thought I'd say this, but seeing her makes you realize he kept himself in relatively good shape.
i miss MJ.

he died on my birthday.

i'm pretty sure this means something.

no, it definitely does.

it means, you need to tell me who you freaking are.
It is a sad reminder of the times that Mars Bars have shrunk in size. They can't give no satisfaction to anyone these days.
Indie Pop: Perhaps you flatter the late maestro.

Alpha Za: The first one is already up! I may have been misinformed about her being German.

Static: You should see her in action before writing her off.

Ms Vodka: I shall study his photograph and report back.

Lady Daphne: Well she's in pretty good shape herself, milady, if you look at the latest video.

Ms Bluntdelivery: Your compassion does you credit, Miss BD. But I'm beginning to wonder whether you have a fear of intimacy.

Madame D: Haha, Madame D, you knew it was a Mars Bar! I never mentioned that myself!
She is obviously a women of talent.
@ Mr. Bananas: I don't need to see her act to know she sucks. =D

And touche!...but I have my own witty retorts as well (Japan vs. India's Space Program). =P
oh you all really suck don't you,I ahve MJ's voice and wear sunglasses.The only people who are weird are you.Get that,leave my idol alone you stupid wimps.
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