Monday, October 11, 2010

A piglet squeals

I’m going to nominate Britney Spears’ former bodyguard for the ‘Sissy of the Year’ award. He has recently been telling tales about Britney in court, claiming that she pranced around naked and made him watch her play with herself. He believes this entitles him to sue her for “sexual harassment” and obtain ridiculous damages. If I were Britney’s lawyer, I would ask the jury one simple question: How could a man who protects people for a living behave like such a snivelling wuss? 

Now I don’t dispute that Britney did behave like a sex-crazed vixen in need of a good seeing to. One wouldn’t expect anything different from the woman. Nor am I saying that the fellow should have jumped on top of her the minute she wiggled her naked butt-cheeks – that sort of behaviour is for the goats and baboons. But a man who expects to be financially compensated for being propositioned by a nubile woman has forfeited the right to own a pair of testicles. 

There is always a polite way of declining a woman’s favours without making her feel like a heifer whose udders are unfit for milking. When holidaying in England, a few years ago, I had the privilege of reading the memoirs of Lieutenant Cornelius Wagstaff of the Royal Navy, whose journal was an heirloom in a stately home I visited. In its pages, there is a description of an incident that occurred during shore leave in Naples, when the Contessa di Napoli invited Wagstaff to her palace to examine some artefacts of the late Lady Hamilton. 

When Wagstaff arrived, he found a home empty of servants apart from a maid, who gave him directions to the Contessa’s bedchamber before leaving herself. On arriving, he found that both the door and the Contessa were wide open. As the latter sprawled naked on her bed, arching her back like a pussycat about to be stroked, she addressed her guest as follows: 

“Here I am and this is what I offer you.” 

Like a true officer of the King’s Navy, Wagstaff composed himself before responding to the challenge of an enemy vessel. Taking a deep breath, he said: 

“My lady! Your body is an exquisite temptation which causes my sturdy loins to surge with manly desire. Yet I cannot succumb, for I am betrothed to a woman who at this very moment clasps my portrait to her tender, yearning bosom!” 

“I see,” said the Contessa. “Shall I dress and show you the palace?” 

Wagstaff chewed his lip and frowned before replying to this question: 

“Rather than dressing, my lady, let me join you in your unveiled simplicity as we tour this majestic domicile, that you may witness your effect on my manhood. You have shown me yours, so I must show you mine.” 

So the Lieutenant and the Contessa walked around the palace as innocently and as nakedly as Adam and Eve on their first day in Paradise. The Contessa was satisfied that her physical charms had not been scorned, and Wagstaff had turned what might have been an untoward incident into a triumph for British diplomacy. 

Is there a man alive today with the manners and discretion of Lieutenant Cornelius Wagstaff?

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It is a reminder of how fine and upstanding our Naval chaps are, when faced with such challenges in foreign parts.
She pranced around naked and played with herself. Isn't that what she does in her videos in front of the entire world?
I agree that Spears' former bodyguard forfeited his right to a pair of testicles, and I like the way you phrased that.
As far as the other story, he sure did rise to the occasion.
"Your body is an exquisite temptation which causes my sturdy loins to surge with manly desire." ... let me write that one down; I am CERTAIN I will soon be in need of such turn of phrase.
While Robert is writing that down, I'm going to make note of "a man who expects to be financially compensated for being propositioned by a nubile woman has forfeited the right to own a pair of testicles."

All I can say is, if I had a nickel...
Fantastic response by wily Wagstaff
wow, that is a really good idea :-) Have done something similar though - and afterward wondered at myself (because after all, just because one has been obliged to view something personal should not mean that one is obliged to reveal the same... life is not always a game of show and tell ;-))
Yes, he did well. But surely any port in a storm?
What an upstanding gentleman Mons. Wagstaff is.

He acquitted himself admirably.
how did the sun ever set on the british empire with resourceful and diplomatic officers like wagstaff at the helm?
Madam Defarge: They used to be, Madam D, but I'm not sure the current generation have the Nelson touch.

Missed Periods: She's certainly flirted with the idea, Ms MP, but we've been spared the full monty thus far.

Robyn: If he had any shame he'd donate his testicles to a pet food factory.

Robert: You may utter the phrase at your discretion, Sir. But please cite Lt Wagstaff if you intend to use it print.

Bschooled: Engrave the words on a plaque if you wish. It would be the perfect motto for visitors to see hanging on your wall.

Nursemyra: They don't make them like him any more, Nursie.

Eve: Maybe not, Eve, but I'm sure what you did was greatly appreciated. As, indeed, it should have been.

Note Bene: I believe that storms are rare in the Bay of Naples.

Alpha Za: Indeed. He is one of the great unsung heroes of the British Empire.

Billy: Men of his calibre had died out by the start of the 20th century. Can you imagine any modern naval officer doing as he did?
I see that some of the other commentors also appreciated this line: "But a man who expects to be financially compensated for being propositioned by a nubile woman has forfeited the right to own a pair of testicles." I think you should receive a prestigious literary award for that sentence!

And, oh my, the description of Lt. Wagstaff's "sturdy loins surging with manly desire" made my sturdy loins surge too.
Britney's body guard should have boned her so hard that her ovaries popped.

Then he could have cooked them in a non-stick frying pan and made a tasty breakfast. woo hoo.

And that there Col. Wagstiff fella is a damn polite, upright officer. I tell you what. So when Wagstiff says his manly loins are gettin' surged with sturdy desires, do you mean to say he's pitchin' a sizable tent in his pants?

Just want to be clear on this.
Well, this is just downright shameful. How dare a man get squirmish when a lady wants to fiddle her bean?? What's happening to our world. Thanks for having the courage to report on this touching story.
Good Lord, is that fair dinkum or did you just make that up? It's brilliant though. Bold lassy.
As for Britney. Pah. Whatever. DO you think she sits around wondering what new act of vulgarity will earn her a headline. Anyhoot, speaking of bare... my cupboards were groaning in winter but now that the warmer weather has rolled down its time to take off the pounds, er, I mean clear out the extra pounds.
Madam Z: Why thank you, Madam Z, although I'd prefer to think of your loins as smooth and svelte.

Kelly: Yes, Wagstaff had a raging stiffy, but the tent wasn't pitched for long because he took off his britches. He then walked around naked with the Contessa, exercising the self-control of an officer and a gentleman. Could you have done that?

Ms Vodka: He ought to be ashamed, Ms Vodka. When you become famous, you'd better hire a bodyguard made of sterner stuff.

Katie: Hello and welcome, Katie. I'm a fair dinkum ape, so you can trust me 100%! I totally forgot that Spring is just beginning in your hemisphere. Good luck with the cleaning!
The Contessa must have been quite the heifer for him to reject her advances...tee hee

And as for britney...i dunno Apeman...i think it's about time someone took her to task for over exposure of her cha cha
I'm sorry, sir, but I must cry foul. You see, I once had the opportunity to read the memoirs of the Contessa de Napoli. According to her writings, upon entering her bedchamber and viewing her silken nudity, Cornelius immediately dropped trou (er..breeches) and boned her silly.

She even devoted several pages to describing his slightly crooked (it pointed to the left) manroot and his odd habit of rubbing lime juice on his testicles after the act (apparently he believed it the best way to prevent scurvy and sexual diseases).

I do agree with your take on the Britney/bodyguard situation, though. That guy is a wuss and no gentleman!
Sabrina: She exposed her cha-cha a long time ago, Saby. We can't keep on punishing her for that indiscretion.

Prunella: Hello and welcome, Prunella. You'll have to send me a copy of the Contessa's memoirs, because I can't believe a man like Wagstaff would apply citrus fruit to his gonads. I suspect she was describing an erotic dream which was mistranslated as a real event.
"But a man who expects to be financially compensated for being propositioned by a nubile woman has forfeited the right to own a pair of testicles."

They should teach that at university.
Why not before university? I think it probably belongs in a sex education class.
Hear, hear!
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